by Toni Aleo
I have no clue what she is talking about, but I don’t dare say more. As I watch her struggle with what she wants to say, I can’t help but think we are two fucked-up people just trying to make it. I’ve had time to adjust, to figure myself out, but I feel like Lena is still struggling with that. I can’t handle watching her do so either. I want to fix it all for her. To make it go away. But as much as I want to know everything, she isn’t ready to tell me.
And that’s okay.
When the music I have playing on my phone switches Ed Sheeran’s “Perfect Symphony,” I close my eyes. “Man, I love this song.”
“Oh, me too. It’s so classic.”
“It is,” I agree. I get up, wanting to make all her uneasiness go away. She watches as I move, her eyes full of tears that tug at my heartstrings. When I pull her up and into my arms, she comes willingly, wrapping her arms around my middle as she presses her nose into my chest. I cup her by the back of her neck with one of my hands, and we sway to the music ever so slowly as I trail kisses down her temple to her ear.
“We should be barefoot,” she says softly.
“It’s too fuckin’ cold,” I laugh, and she grins against my cheek as we sway.
“Finally giving in?”
“I don’t have a choice.” Leaning into her, I kiss her ear once more as my heart soars for this girl. “You can tell me anything, Lena. I’ll never judge you. I’ll never think you’re anything but perfect. You do realize that, right?”
She chuckles slightly, though it’s full of pain. “Ah, Jacks, ya don’t know anything about me.”
Holding her tightly, I kiss her ear. “I know I really like who you let me know, and I want to know so much more. Everything, actually.” Moving her head back from my chest, she places her chin there, her eyes burning into mine as her breathing picks up. “I know that when I’m with you, my heart goes wild and I can’t think of anything but holding you, kissing you, and being with you.”
Her lips part a little as her fingers run along the back of my shirt. “All that?”
“And more,” I say, running my lips along her cheek. “I’d never hurt you.”
“Oh, I know that. Yer too good for all that.”
“So, what’s holding you back?”
She blinks then, and I almost think she’s gonna walk away from me. But to my surprise, she doesn’t. Actually, the opposite happens. She wraps her arms around my neck and pulls me down for a long, lusty kiss. One that curls my toes in my boots as I hold her close to me. As we kiss, each one longer and lustier than the last, I wonder why she is holding back. Was I right to assume we were just having fun? That she had no intention of ever caring more for me than a hookup? And what’s wrong with that? I’m leaving, she is the princess of this place, and I know it would never work out. I should be thankful. Glad and relieved.
It’s what I wanted.
But why do I feel like it isn’t?
Before I can dwell on that, though, her fingers capture my chin as my eyes meet hers. “Jacks.”
“Yeah?”
“You have a bed in that tent?”
I smile. “Well, I have sleeping bags.”
Running her fingers down my jaw, she asks, “Can you fuck me on them?”
I hesitate. I don’t want to just fuck her. But then, what do I want? Why is this so confusing? Why do her eyes render me so utterly stupid?
I don’t know, but why am I questioning it?
Unable to answer her with the emotion clogging my throat, I pick her up as our mouths meet. But before she presses her lips to mine, she whispers, “Is that a yes?”
“Yes,” I answer, and then we’re kissing once more. It feels so right, our lips moving and playing with each other’s as the music fills our little space. As I carry her, I pull away a little so I can see where I’m going, but that doesn’t stop her from kissing my jaw, my neck, and licking along my ear. Driving me absolutely insane.
Going toward the tent, I fall to my knees, still holding her as I open it. I carry her in before lying on top of her. I have so many blankets in here, and I made sure to activate the heating pads before I met her at the bridge, so everything is pretty cozy.
“This is awesome,” she gushes as I sit up, closing the tent flap so none of the warm air gets out.
“It’s okay, but you’re amazing,” I say, covering her body with mine once more. When I capture her mouth, she wraps her legs around my waist as I press into her, wanting her so badly, I’m unable to think of anything else. I want to figure her out; I want to know why she is holding back. But when I’m between her legs, all I care about is her.
And making her scream my name countless times over.
Sitting up, I pull off my sweatshirt and my shirt, undoing my pants as she does the same. Soon we are fumbling over each other trying to get our clothes off, along with our boots. When she goes to kick her boot off to try to get it out of the way, it hits me square in the face. Her eyes widen, but soon we’re both laughing so hard, we can’t breathe.
“Oh my goodness! I’m so sorry!”
I fall on top of her, our naked bodies becoming one, and her laughter dies off. “I love it when you laugh like that.”
Her eyes fall shut as her lips part. She is so hot between her legs, and her nipples are hard against my chest, making every coherent thought evaporate.
“Hell,” I mutter against her bare breast as I run my tongue along her hardened peak. “You’re magnificent.”
Gently dragging her nails along my back, she arches up into me. “No, you are.”
A grin pulls at my lips as I kiss down her stomach, tonguing her pussy as she cries out, making my dick harder. While I lick her, I am shaking with need. It has been so long since I’ve been inside of her. Days of fighting my need for her, wanting her like mad, but keeping it under wraps because I wanted to make sure she was okay. I still don’t know if she is. But in a way, I think she is when she is with me. As I open her up, taking her clit between my lips, I suck her hard as her moans fill my tent, rocking me to the core. She tastes sweet and like everything I’m craving. When she comes, it’s hard, her whole body shaking as she pinches my head with her delicate thighs.
Laughing, I remove my head as I look down at her. Her body jerks, a little grin at her lips as her eyes squeeze shut, her hands holding her sweet breasts.
She’s outstanding.
“I want it hard, Jackson.”
A grin pulls at my lips. “Hard, you say?”
“So hard.”
Her eyes are so lusty, her body so beautiful that I’m worried I’ll hurt her. But then her lips curve up at me, and I lose all sense of control. Pushing her legs back, I enter her in one thrust. Hard. And with need. She arches up, crying out, my name falling from her lips as I move into her over and over again. My fingers bite into her thighs as she clutches me with her tight center. Each of my thrusts is harder than the last, and her body jerks, her breasts bouncing with the motion as she clutches my wrists, such a blissful look on her face.
I think that’s what does me in because soon I’m coming so hard it rattles me.
Closing my eyes, I dig my fingers into her skin as I ride out my orgasm, shuddering into her as I moan loudly. My whole body seems to be shaking, and my heart feels the same. Falling to her side, I gather her in my arms as our mouths join and her leg comes over my hip. Closing my eyes, I exhale as her fingers move along my jaw, her nose pressed into mine, our mouths joining with small but robust kisses.
We lie there for what seems like hours, but I know it’s only seconds before she whispers, “I don’t want to leave.”
“Don’t, then.”
I feel her lips curve as she presses her nose into mine. “A lady never has a nightcap with a man she isn’t going to marry.”
Don’t read into that, I caution myself. “Well, that’s a problem, then, eh?”
I can feel her smiling against my lips as she runs her fingers through the hair on my chest. Turning my head, I meet her gaze before my hand comes up to hold her
face. “I don’t want you to leave, but I understand if you want to.”
“I don’t want to either,” she says quickly, and I smile. “Fuck it, I’m already breaking all the rules with ya anyway. What’s a few more?”
I hold her gaze, and I don’t know why it bothers me, but it does.
“What?”
Just keep your mouth shut. It’s not a big deal.
“Is that all I am?”
God, I’m an idiot.
Her brows pull together. “How do ya mean?”
Moving my other hand to her face, I brush my thumb along her lips. “Don’t get mad, but is that all I am? Just someone to break the rules with?”
What am I doing? This is what I want! I just want to have fun.
Her lips part. “Have I made ya feel like that?”
I swallow. “I don’t know. I don’t know what the hell I’m feeling, but I don’t want to be someone you’re just using.”
She nods in understanding. “I don’t want ya to feel like that ’cause that’s not how it is.”
“It isn’t?”
“No, I care for ya, Jacks. I do.”
“You do?”
“I do,” she answers, her eyes sparkling. “I’m sorry if I made it sound like that. I don’t want ya for a mere fuck. I enjoy us, our conversations and hanging out.”
“I do too.”
“I’m sorry if it came off like that.”
“No, it’s fine.”
“Ya sure?”
I’m not, but I nod. “Yeah.”
Her lips curve. “So, can I stay?”
“I wasn’t going to let you leave anyway.”
Her nose presses into mine as our eyes lock, and my heart soars.
I know I’m in so much trouble, but I just can’t bring myself to care about that right now. Which is going to hurt me in the long run.
But I don’t care.
“Ya didn’t have to walk me back.”
Jackson’s eyes are dark as he looks over at me, squeezing my fingers with his. “I wanted to.”
My heart soars a bit as we head past the stables. It’s a cold morning, but I’m still burning hot from our night in the tent. Jackson made love to me like no other. He was careful, he was sweet, but then he was rough when I wanted it. He made me feel so good, and I don’t want to leave him. “What are your plans for today?”
He shrugs. “I have to work at the pub, but other than that, I’m going to explore some more. What are you doing?”
“I have a thing up in Dublin today.”
“Oh, fun.”
“No, actually, it will be unbelievably boring. I just sit there and smile while a bunch of old people talk about scholarships and stuff.”
He scoffs. “I bet ’cause you’re so beautiful, you make the room light up.”
“Ah, almost a smooth talker.”
He laughs at that. “Nowhere near, but I like to try around you.”
We share a smile. “I’ll probably come by tonight.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah, do ya mind?”
He gives me a look. “Never. I enjoy seeing you.”
“Me too,” I agree as we reach the house. “Well, here we are.”
“Here we are,” he repeats, looking up at the castle. I start to do the same, but then he takes me in his arms, kissing me hard and with such need. His fingers bite into my back, holding me so close I feel like I’m being smothered in his arms. I love it.
I do.
When he pulls back, it’s only a mere breath before he whispers, “I can’t wait to see you again.”
I’m breathless. “Soon?”
“Whenever you want me.”
“Which is all the time,” I say, and he grins at me.
“Text me?”
I nod as I press my lips to his. “I will.”
He kisses me once more. “Bye.”
“See ya.”
I watch as he walks away, and when he glances back at me, I wave. His face lights up, and my heart goes wild for him. I don’t know what is happening, but I sure like it a lot. On an exhale, I head up the stairs, a grin on my face as I push the door open.
But I don’t even make it through the front door before her voice stops me.
“I am just disgusted, Lena.”
Well, hell.
“Not now, Ma,” I say. I really can’t. Looking at her, it hurts. She looks worse than she did yesterday, tired and weak. I don’t want to fight with her because when I do, it reminds me that she may be leaving me, and I can’t do that.
I can’t accept it.
It’s easy when I’m gone from home, on my horse or with Jackson. I don’t think of what is happening here. I only complain about how hard she is on me. I don’t acknowledge that she is hard on me because she could be dying. That I am to replace her, and right now, I can’t do it. I’m actually in a grand fucking mood, and I don’t want to think of the things I can’t change at the moment.
“You didn’t come home last night.”
I let my shoulders fall. “How in the hell do you know these things? Surely, it’s not on the blogs already.”
“No, I know because I checked, and I saw you out there with him!”
Of course, she did. “Ma, I’m a grown—”
“Don’t give me this grown woman crap. Yer an O’Callaghan, and you are to follow the rules that have stood for years on end.”
“Ma—”
“You’s went too far. If someone saw ya, or found out, what would have happened?”
“Nothing, ’cause I wouldn’t care.”
“You have to care! It is our name.”
Throwing my hands up, I glare at her. “Aren’t you tired of saying the same shite to me over and over again? ‘Lena, ya do this wrong. Lena, yer doing this wrong. Lena, ya know how to act.’ I’m not listening. Hang it up, Ma!”
“I can’t, because I love you, and I want you to be the woman ya was raised to be.”
“But I’m not.”
“You are!”
She isn’t listening to me, not even in the slightest, but can I blame her? I don’t listen to her; this is probably payback. Either way, I’m done arguing about the same thing.
“Fine, Ma, I’ll try harder.”
As I turn to walk away, she grabs me, squeezing my arm tightly. “You know damn well ya won’t! You know how to act, what is expected of you. Why do you keep fighting me on this now? You’ve never done that before.”
Looking her square in her eyes, I want to cry. This woman isn’t my ma, the same way I’m not the Lena she raised. “Because I don’t want to be that person, Ma. I don’t.”
“But, Lena, this is how it is. Ya know this. We carry ourselves in the highest manner so that people look up to ya, people want to be ya. How do you forget that?”
“I forget because I don’t care!” I yell, my eyes clouding with tears, and soon it’s all too much. “And if you don’t like it, don’t die!” Her eyes widen, almost as if I’ve hit her. “I don’t want to be you. I can’t be you. I don’t know how you can’t see that. I’m not the girl ya raised anymore, Ma. She was gone the moment I got to Dublin. The moment I tasted freedom and didn’t give two shites about what anyone thought of me. I can’t do this. So ya can’t die, it’s that simple.”
“Ah, like I have any control over that.”
“Ya do! Don’t you dare die! You’s got to do this because I can’t. Do you hear me? Don’t you dare leave me on this earth without you. I need you.”
A sob leaves my lips, and I cover my mouth, holding my stomach at the same time. I hadn’t meant to say that, I know it’s out of her control, but I can’t. I don’t want to. I don’t want to accept this. I can’t accept this. How in the world am I supposed to be her when no one can be her? I am nowhere near honorable enough. Hell, I can’t even follow rules that have been instilled in me since birth. I want to blame Jackson and the pull he has on me, but it’s all me.
I don’t want this life.
But I want me m
a.
When her arms come around me, I fall into her, clinging to her as she kisses my temples. “Ah, my love. My sweet, beautiful Lena. Lassie, I don’t want to leave you either, I don’t, and I won’t for as long as I can. Ya hear me?”
“I don’t want you to leave me,” I sob, clinging to her. “I don’t want to accept it.”
“Don’t. I haven’t.”
My lips wobble. “I can’t.”
“Grand, my love, but ya gotta remember, no matter what, I’ll be inside of you. You are me, my love, you are.”
“I’m not. I’m a broken-down version of you.”
“One that is ready to be whole,” she whispers, taking my face in her hands. “You are Lena O’Callaghan, princess of Mayo. You speak, they listen. You hear me?”
I shake my head. “No, Ma, they laugh at me.”
“And that’s where yer not caring comes in, my love.” Her eyes burn into mine. “I’m being hard on ya, I know I am, but it’s because I know what you are capable of.”
I can only shake my head. I don’t want to think I’m capable of nothing, but I do. I want to believe I am who she says I am. The woman Jackson urges me to believe in, but he took that from me.
Shattering inside, I whisper, “I’m scared, Ma.”
“No, you can’t be ’cause nothing can touch you.”
But I know it can. Or better yet, he can.
“You are strong, Lena. Yer brave and yer beautiful—”
“I’m not, Ma. I’m a fake now.”
“No, my love, you are.”
I take a shaky breath, holding her tightly. “I want to be.”
“Then be it.”
Squeezing my eyes shut, I cling to her as she kisses my temple. “It’s not that easy, Ma. I have all this bullshite inside of me, holding me back—”
“Ah, Lena, ya know I know.”
I pull back, looking at her. “Know?”
“I put two and two together. He was released, and ya went wild, Lena.” I look away, biting my lip so hard, I taste blood as I try to determine how she figured it out. But then, that’s my ma. She knows everything before everyone else. “He can’t touch you, my love. He’ll die before that happens. Don’t ya know that?”
My lips wobble even more. “I’m scared.”
“Why? He is nothing. You are everything.”