by Dara Kent
“You don’t get to make decisions for me,” Jensen rumbled, his face still pressed into the pillow, although his eyes were slitted open, locked onto me.
I scrunched up my nose. “I didn’t say anything.”
“You didn’t have to. It’s written all over your face. Plus, I knew last night you were going to do this as soon as our sweat cooled. It’s the same thing you’ve been trying to do for months.” He flopped over, running his hands through his hair in frustration. “You think you’re doing what’s best for me—for us. But you don’t get to make that decision for me.”
Slumping back against my pillow, I eyed him warily. “It’s not as simple as that.”
He pushed up onto his elbows, his hair an adorable mess. “Isn’t it though?”
Maybe it was the familiarity of being in his bed again. Or possibly because I was emotionally exhausted. Whatever it was, I was horrified when the words, “I’m scared,” slipped from my mouth.
Jensen sat up, and slid in beside me, pulling me against his chest. He stroked my hair gently as his breath fanned along the top of my head. “It’s okay to be scared. But we can get through this together.”
“And what if we can’t?” I inhaled his inviting spicy scent, letting it comfort me, and yet hating how it did.
“We’ll never know until we try.”
Jensen’s heart thrummed a steady rhythm under my ear, the sound another comfort I detested. “If I get used to having you there, and then one day you’re not, then what?” Just the mere mention of it caused my heart to twist with fear and set off at a gallop.
“Let me get this straight … you’re afraid of losing me, so you’ve decided to push me away using any means necessary?” He snorted.
“You knew I was a bit neurotic when you met me.” I traced a circular pattern on his chest, goosebumps rising along his skin.
He snorted again. “A bit?”
I smacked his chest lightly. “Hey.”
He kissed the top of my head and squeezed me to him. “But you’re my neurotic Valkyrie.”
“It’s just … I don’t know if I can do it. This. Us. I never wanted a relationship. My focus needs to be on hunting demons. My life will never be normal.”
“Come on, be realistic. My Val would never be in a relationship unless she wanted to be. She doesn’t do things she doesn’t want.”
I nipped at his nipple, causing it to pebble. “I do lots of things I don’t want to.”
“Not when it comes to men. You are the most stubborn woman I’ve ever come across.”
He had no idea how much power he truly wielded with me, but I suppose it’s like that when you love someone—they hold your heart in the palm of their hand. He was partially correct though. If I didn’t want to be with him on some level, there would be nothing he could do to coerce me, no matter how sexy he was.
“We’ve been apart two months.”
He trailed his hand down to palm my ass. “Yeah. I’m aware.”
“Two whole months.”
“So you’ve said.”
“You didn’t hook up with anyone while we were apart? You know, pull a Ross Geller on me?”
His fingers dug into my flesh, his pulse picking up speed. “Is there something you want to tell me?”
“No,” I squeaked. “This isn’t about me.”
Suddenly, I found myself on my back, his expression thunderous. “Were you with someone else while we were apart?”
I bucked against his hold on me, jutting my chin out. “I asked you first. Answer the damn question.”
He leaned into me, his eyes wild. “Did you fuck someone else? Tell me.”
“Did you?”
His nostrils flared. “You should know better. There are no other women for me.”
I turned my face to the side, idly tracing my gaze over the random items on the nightstand. “I tried.”
“What does that mean, you tried?” His voice broke low, a guttural sound of anger and hurt intermingled.
“Just what it sounds like. I picked out a hot guy at Wilde Stallions when I was there one night and decided I was going to force myself to get over you by getting under someone new.”
His grip on my wrists tightened, but he remained silent, waiting for me to continue.
“We made out. He groped me a bit.” I sighed heavily. “But it didn’t do anything for me.” I swung my gaze back to meet his. “He wasn’t you.” Jensen stared at me, chest heaving. “In fact, it made me want to get away from you even more.”
“Not a chance,” he rasped. “I’m never letting you go.” He shook his head. “I can’t believe you were going to fuck some random guy.”
“You were some random guy once upon a time.”
He pressed himself into me. “I was never some random guy.”
I snickered. “Ah, but you were.”
“No, I wasn’t.” He ground against me.
I grinned. “Are you going to fuck me so hard I won’t be able to think of another guy ever again?” I wiggled in offering. “Because, if so, I’m totally okay with that. In fact, I read this romance novel a few weeks ago where the—”
He stole my words as he flipped me over and drove into me.
Yep, I definitely wasn’t going to tell Jensen about my little fib until after he was done erasing the memory of the fictitious guy from my flesh. We still had some issues to work out, the tracking spell for one, but sex had never been our problem, and for the moment I was going to revel in our strengths.
I strolled into my condo a few hours later, sore and satiated. Slumped on our couch, Lily peered at me over her Flower Power mug.
“Where’s Monica?”
“Home,” she grunted, taking a long sip from her mug. “But she’ll be in touch.”
Swiping Lily’s mug, I took a swig of the sugary concoction. “Blak! How about some coffee with your sugar?”
She took it back, scowling at me. “Nobody offered you any. Plus, you know how I take my brew.”
“Brew?” I flopped down beside her. “Okay, if that’s what you want to call it.”
Nudging me with her foot, Lily grinned. “You and Jensen back together now?”
“Maybe.”
She kicked me. “Well, that’s a yes coming from you.” Imbibed with a burst of energy, she pushed up to her knees. “Tell me what happened. Was he all romantic? Did he profess his dying love for you, and then you fell into his arms after confessing you felt the same?”
I rolled my eyes. “Here we go again. Enough with all your Hollywood romance crap. Jensen and I made up, yes. But we aren’t exactly the mushy kind of couple.”
She nodded, her curls bouncing around her face. “Oooh, right. You guys are more the dominant couple trope like from a shifter romance. Was he all growly then? Like ‘you belong to me.’ And you were like, ‘I belong to no one.’ Then he was like—”
I whipped a flowered accent pillow at her head.
“Hey! You almost made me spill.”
“What?” I tapped my chin in feigned confusion. “Isn’t that what those are for?” Lily was always adding flower touches around our condo. A pillow here, a picture there, until I felt like I was living in a botanical garden gift shop.
“Well, it doesn’t matter how as long as the two of you are back together. And don’t try to lie to me, I know you have romance novels hidden in the back of your closet.”
I have no privacy with her. Seriously. And just because I read romance doesn’t mean I think it’s reality. At least not for me. Which is something she’ll never understand, hence why my stash is hidden.
Shifting, I sighed heavily and stared out the window. Jensen and I were back together, but we hadn’t made any real progress in our relationship. Although, it wasn’t exactly what I’d been after to begin with. Yes, I still wanted the tracking spell removed, which was bound to start another fight, but my goal had been to end things with Jensen permanently. Not fall back into bed with him. When I looked at it that way, I’d completely failed.
“What’s that dramatic sigh about?” Lily groaned. “Are you going to break it off with him again? Why, Riss, why?” She slammed her fist against her thigh.
“No.” I pulled my lower lip between my teeth. “I mean, I don’t think so.” But nothing had changed. I’d merely given in to the pull between us, tired of fighting it.
Lily slammed her mug onto the coffee table, glaring at me. “You’re lucky to have a guy like him, and you take him for granted. If you’re not careful, someone will come along and steal him right out from under you.”
My chest tightened. “No one is going to take him from me.”
“Ah, so maybe deep down you never thought you were going to lose him. This was all another one of your twisted games.”
“Twisted games?”
“Mmmhmm … you heard me, twisted games. I don’t know why you do them. Is it a test? Are you testing him?” She snagged her mug and shuffled off to the kitchen, calling over her shoulder, “But you need to stop. One day he won’t be there when you expect him to be if you keep pushing him away.”
“I’m going to hop in the shower.”
Heading upstairs, Lily’s words followed me, swirling around in my brain for consideration. She was my baby sister, but sometimes she made a bit of sense. At any point during our breakup period had I even considered the option that Jensen wouldn’t be waiting with open arms? No, I hadn’t. Maybe I did take him for granted, just a little. Quite possibly, Monica, Lily, and hell, even my mom, were right, and I needed to enjoy what time I had with Jensen. To stop pushing him away because I was afraid of what could happen if I lost him.
And yet, I was terrified of grabbing onto even the little piece of true happiness Jensen offered, because I was sure it would be ripped away. It’s easier to live in the dark when that’s all you know, but turn on the light for even a few minutes, and you’ll always remember what things looked like. Jensen had turned on my light, and I didn’t want to be plunged back into darkness.
Lily scrambled past me in the hallway and slammed the bathroom door shut. “You snooze you lose!” she hollered, followed by an evil laugh.
“You’re an asshole, you know that?” I kicked the door.
“You love me!”
“Whatever.” If she wanted to play that game, I’d have to eat all of her double chocolate chip cookies she thought were hidden but weren’t. “Enjoy your shower,” I singsonged, a malicious grin pulling my lips up.
Yep, I traded my soul to save her life, but let her steal my shower time without any repercussion? Definitely not.
13
“I don’t want to be at your crappy eighties bar,” Lily whined, swinging her legs on the barstool. “I have a shoot tomorrow.”
“You’re the one who said our next hunt should be proactive because you didn’t want to play bait again.” I motioned at the crowd packed into the small bar. “There’s bound to be a demon here somewhere. You know this place is like a magnet to them.”
“All bars are magnets for demons. Pretty much this entire city is a magnet for them. We could have gone somewhere else, anywhere else. Like that nice wine bar in The Gulch.”
“We get to drink for free here.” I took a long pull of my beer to emphasize my point. “And I’m always the one paying no matter where we go.”
“Because you make more money than me.”
“You mean this crappy bar makes more money than you.”
She fluffed her curls, gaze darting over the crowd. “So far no one is looking like anything more than the run-of-the-mill douche or asshat.” Nudging me, she took a dainty sip from her Kahlua and cream. “Why tonight though?”
“Because I’m getting antsy waiting on information about Pestilence.” I couldn’t shake the feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop. First, there was the demon who’d been searching for something in my head, then Tomas, then the demon attacks. Add in the Hell marked offering up an alliance, and a pattern was beginning to form. But until we had the one vital piece of intel, whether or not Pestilence had been killed, we couldn’t form a viable plan.
“You could have spent some quality time with Jensen.” Lily waggled her eyebrows.
“He has a job he has to do sometimes, too, you know.”
“He runs a private security firm. How much work does that really involve?”
“Dunno.” I took another sip of my beer. “His involvement seems sporadic. I think since he runs and owns the company he just does troubleshooting and whatnot.”
“Sounds boring.”
I nodded. “Yep, which is why I don’t know a whole lot about it. My eyes glaze over every time he talks about work-related stuff.”
Lily shoved at my shoulder. “That’s shitty. You’re a shitty girlfriend. Seriously. How do you have someone like Jensen all starry-eyed about you when I can’t get any more single if I tried?”
“I can’t help it. I try to pay attention, but then I usually—” I clamped my mouth shut, cutting off the rest of my sentence. No way was I going to admit to my baby sister that I got distracted by Jensen’s sensual lips, and then the next thing I knew I would be kissing them, that leading to … other stuff. The tips of my ears heated; luckily my hair was covering them. “Never mind. Let’s just say Jensen doesn’t mind.”
Lily smirked. “Freaks.”
Ignoring her, I finished my beer and motioned to Benny to grab me another.
“You want a Yazoo hefe again?” Benny yelled across the bar.
I quirked an eyebrow. “Duh. Support local.” Plus, it was a damn good beer.
He set the fresh bottle on the bar, his gaze lingering on an oblivious Lily. He reluctantly heeded the call of another customer when she didn’t so much as notice him.
I elbowed her. “You’re too hung up on this true love, soul mate thing. Now, I’m not going to say that I agree that Jensen and I are fated or any other bullshit like that, but you do. You want what we have, and I can tell you that the only thing I was after when we first met was getting him naked. I had no idea how things would turn out.”
She sipped on her drink, staring at me.
“Don’t give me that look. I did not know on any level, even deep down in my subconscious.”
She raised her eyebrows, continuing to primly pull liquor through the tiny red straw.
“It wasn’t fate that he moved in near us either. All of it was chance.”
Her lips curled up around the edges of the straw.
“Oh, whatever.” I picked up my beer. “You’re insane.”
She slurped the end of her drink and set the empty glass on the bar. Benny was already making her a new one without a word from her. “Speaking of insane … It’s sixty-five degrees outside, why are you wearing knee-high, leather boots?”
“You know why.” I preferred boots as a method of weapon concealment to all others. I had several pairs altered to fit my needs. I would wear them as long as I could get away with it weather-wise. After all, we did live in the south, and the humidity in the summer did not mix with my leather footwear.
“I thought you were working on a bra holster or something?”
“I still am. It’s not as easy as I thought though. Not with the blades I like to carry.”
Lily grunted as she scanned the crowd. “You know, no matter what you say, I’m still bait. I’m always the bait.”
Benny chose that moment to set her refill on the bar.
Glaring, I waved him off.
Frowning, he retracted the drink.
“That was your last one.”
She crossed her arms over her chest. “I was done anyways. I’m not a complete lush like my sister.”
“I’m not a lush.” Sure, I’d been hitting the bottle a bit hard during my time apart from Jensen, but as a girl in her twenties, I was permitted a bit of normalcy … or a bit of recklessness, depending on perspective.
Monica slid onto the barstool next to me, having appeared from seemingly nowhere. She never outright admitted it, but I was sure Heaven-marked
hunters were gifted with more than superior speed and healing.
“Didn’t see you walk in,” I muttered.
“Your hair!” Lily exclaimed. “I love it! I mean, I loved it before, but I love it natural! Not many people can pull off short hair! And speaking of the eighties, you kind of remind me of a young Grace Jones. Totally fierce. Grrr!”
Of course, I hadn’t noticed the change in style of Monica’s hair until Lily pointed it out. She’d worn dreads since I’d known her, but now her hair was cut short, the natural, curly texture released. I had to admit, with her high cheekbones, and long neck, she was even more stunning than before.
Monica ran her hand over her hair self-consciously. “I’m not used to it yet. But I needed a change.” The rest hung in the air unsaid. She needed a change after Tomas. It didn’t mean she was moving on or pushing him into the past, it was a clear attempt to make peace with her new reality. It was a way to exert power over something when she felt out of control.
“I agree. You look good. And yeah, a ringer for a young Grace Jones. I think there’s a poster of her here somewhere.” I took a swig from my beer. “How’d you know we were here?”
“Had a feeling.” She glanced at the empty stage. “No live music tonight?”
“Only Thursday through Sunday,” Lily responded. “The rest of the time it’s golden oldies from the eighties from the sound system.”
“Hmm …” Monica shifted. Her gaze flitted around as if she didn’t know what to do or say next. It only then occurred to me that we’d never hung out casually before without Tomas. It was either the business of hunting that brought our small group together or if we were socializing, Tomas and Jensen were usually present as well. Now it was just us girls with a pile of subjects none of us wanted to breach.
I waved Benny over again and pointed to Monica. “Get her whatever she wants, on my tab.”
Lily leaned back on the bar with her elbows. “I’ll have another Kahlua and cream, Benny.” She smiled, and the poor boy stared as if dazzled.