by Cala Riley
“Now, hush, child. It’s not murder. It’s a hunting accident.”
At this, we all burst out laughing. The funny thing is, my chest feels lighter.
“Now, Jerry, get on out of here while we make a quick dinner. Go watch your evening shows.” Mama swats at him with a towel playfully.
“Don’t you boss me around, woman.” He winks.
“Woman? I’ll show you woman,” Mama says as she starts toward him.
He chuckles, running out of the kitchen, hollering over his shoulder, “Woman? Did I say woman? I meant ‘Yes, darling.’”
“That man is going to get it one of these days,” she says with a smile.
“You love him,” I remind her.
She sighs, her face softening. “I do.”
Laying in my old bedroom that night after a laughter-filled dinner with my parents, I let my mind think about Ryan. For once, they aren’t the sad thoughts, or the demons as Mama called them. For once, I remember all the family dinners we had. All the joy and laughter.
“I love you, Ryan. I hope you’re watching over me.”
I say the words, but I can already feel his answer.
I’ll always be here for you, Cass.
Xavier
Hours later and I’m still thinking about Cassi and what she said to me.
You need to grow the fuck up.
At the time, it made my blood boil. How dare she tell me to grow up when she used sex to deal with her grief?
Then I watched her walk away, resisting the urge to pull her back by holding onto my pride.
Laying here in bed staring at the ceiling, I learn a very important lesson.
Pride doesn’t keep you warm at night. It doesn’t fill the gaping hole in my chest from the woman I have fallen madly in love with.
I’m in love with Cassi.
I sit up straight, finally admitting to myself what I think I’ve known all along.
I pick up my phone immediately and dial her number. It rings before going to voicemail.
I hang up, trying again, but this time it goes straight to voicemail.
Fuck.
She either blocked me or turned her phone off. One quick way to find out which.
I call Jack. He answers on the first ring.
“What’s up, bro?”
“Hey, can you try calling Cassi?”
“You actually want me to call your girl? Is this a test? Bro’s before ho’s, man.”
I would punch him if I could. “Don’t you dare call her a ho. I fucked up, man. I think she might have blocked my number. Just try, okay?”
“Stop fucking up, man. Cassi’s a great girl. You need to get your shit together or let her go.” The stern, lecturing tone catches me by surprise.
“Seriously, man? Like two seconds ago you said you’d pick me over her. Now you’re taking her side?”
“Well, yeah. I meant I wouldn’t sleep with her or encroach on your territory, but she’s a good girl. She’s my friend. I won’t let you break her heart, man.”
I grimace.
Too late.
I’m glad she has Jack in her corner, though. She deserves it, but I can’t lie and say it doesn’t gut me, it’s not me.
“Point made. Now, will you call her?”
“Yeah, man.”
He hangs up. I wait for what seems like forever for him to call back.
“Straight to voicemail, man. I texted her though. I’ll let you know if she texts back.”
“Thanks, man.”
I pace my room, thinking about where she might be. I don’t stay still long though. Before I know it, I have my keys in my hand, heading to the car.
I go to her dorm first. Rebecca lets me have an earful when she sees me. I don’t think she even knows what happened, but she said the fact that I was looking for her and her phone was off meant I must’ve done something fucked up. I let her lecture me for ten minutes before leaving.
I tried the ice cream shop next. She said once that when she’s sad; she likes to come here and have a cone of strawberry ice cream with real strawberries mixed in.
Unfortunately, she must be more pissed than sad because she’s not here.
My chest grows tight as I check the bar, the library, and the park and still no sign of her.
I keep trying to call her too. Leaving her messages, begging her to call me back.
I take one last shot in the dark and try the old lake about thirty minutes outside of town. The same one she and Ryan used to go to.
I feel guilty as I pull up to the parking area. For a moment, I don’t want to walk down to the clearing. I don’t want to taint this place for her. It takes a couple of minutes for me to realize it was pointless, anyway. Her car isn’t here.
I get out anyway and travel down the area, remembering the conversation we had. Remembering her worries about this place being altered by others as the popularity of the little lake grows.
I walk over to the tree they marked and run my fingers over their initials.
I feel my phone ding and my heart skips a beat.
I’m disappointed when I see Rebecca’s name instead of Cassi’s.
She’s at her parents’. Don’t make me regret this.
A moment later another text comes through.
Hurt my girl again and you won’t be procreating buddy.
I smile.
Won’t be an issue.
I reply, adding a thanks at the last minute.
I know where she is, now I’m going to go get my girl.
Ten at night. Not late by college standards, but by proper standards to show up to the girl you love parents’ house.
I pull into the driveway, taking a minute to collect my thoughts before I get out. Before I get to the door it swings open, a furious Jerry standing in the door with a shotgun.
“What are you doing here, son?” he demands.
“I was hoping to talk to Cassi.” I met his eyes, not flinching as he moves the barrel a little lower, almost as if he’s considering pointing it at me.
“I don’t know what you did to her, but I have no problem making your death look like an accident.” His voice is eerily calm.
“Daddy, put the gun down.” I let out a breath as I see her.
Cassi. My Cassi.
She’s gorgeous as ever in a pair of pajama pants and a tank top. Her eyes look red from crying, if I had to guess. My heart aches at the thought of her crying, but even more so at the thought of me causing those tears.
“Cassi, honey. This is not the time for a young man to show up at your door.”
“Daddy, I turned off my phone. He was probably worried about me and wants to make sure I’m okay. You’re getting all bent out of shape for nothing.”
Jerry relaxes at that, looking back to me. “The threat still stands.”
“Heard loud and clear, sir.”
Cassi grabs a jacket, before slipping by her dad, closing the door behind her. She doesn’t speak right away, stepping off the porch, walking toward my car.
I follow her, almost running into her when she abruptly turns to face me. My hands reach up to grab her arms, steadying her, but she immediately pulls back.
I frown. “Cass, I…” I start, but she interrupts me.
“No. You don’t get to do this. You don’t get to come here and act all concerned now, when hours ago you were willing to walk away from this. It’s obvious to me you don’t feel the way I do. If you did, you could’ve never said what you said.”
“Cassi, please,” I try again, but stop when she holds up her hand.
“I don’t want to hear it.” She stops, her voice cracking. “Please, Xavier. Save it. We aren’t in a good place. Either of us. I fell for you hard and I’m kicking myself for it. Not because the way I feel for you is wrong, but because I wasn’t ready for it. You’re not ready for me either. I think we each need to take a breather. Work on ourselves and see where we are after that.”
I step forward, cupping her cheek to catch her falling te
ars. “Babe, please. I don’t want that.”
She hiccups through a sob. “I don’t either, but what we want and what we need aren’t always the same thing. I care about you deeply, but we have shit we need to sort, otherwise we are going to keep reliving this cycle or not being able to trust each other’s feelings for one another.”
I press my forehead to hers as I feel moisture building behind my own eyes. “We can work through this.”
“If you ever cared about me at all, Avi, I need you to do this for me. Take time and figure out what you want and what you need. Work through your issues with Tinsley that caused these insecurities. Let me work through my leftover issues from Ryan and Jared. Do this for me.”
I whisper, “I know what I need. It’s you.”
Her tears fall harder. “Please.”
“I’d give you anything just to see you smile, babe. Anything.”
Even if it means ripping my heart out.
She leans in, pressing her lips to mine once.
“Goodbye.”
And fuck if I don’t feel like the last nail in my coffin has been placed.
16
Cassi
“How are you doing?”
I didn’t expect to see Jack here. My eyes immediately search the library, begging for a glimpse of Xavier.
“He’s not with me.”
I sigh, but answer his first question. “I’m okay. Really. You don’t need to worry,”
“Good. I’m glad one of you is.” He runs his hand through his hair.
A pang hits my heart. “He’s not well?”
He gives me a sad smile. “He’s going through the motions. Studying and going to class, but he doesn’t really talk to anyone anymore. I even got a call from Tinsley saying that he’s been ignoring her texts.”
I sigh. “I can’t be responsible for his feelings, Jack.”
He nods, a grim look on his face. “You’re right. Sorry. I just hate seeing him like this. Changing the subject, how are your classes going?”
I give him a grateful smile. “Good. I’m getting ready for finals next week. What about you?”
He groans. “Don’t remind me. I should be studying way more than I am. I think I may fail humanities.”
“I could help you study if you want. I have a humanities class too. I’m sure it can’t be too different.”
“I’ve got Owen’s, who do you have?”
“Owen’s. See, we could totally study together. Then maybe you might not fail.”
He chuckles. “You’re too good to me. Fine, we can study together.”
Rolling my eyes, I smile wider. I missed hanging out with the guys.
I miss Xavier.
I push that thought away.
“When are you available to study?” I ask.
“How about tonight? We can meet at the union.”
“Wow, I’ll be honest, I didn’t think you were being serious.”
“I really need the help. Besides, I have a feeling you will keep me focused and make me actually study.”
“Bet your ass I will. Can’t have you failing a class. I can’t be friends with a flunk.” I wink, letting him know I’m teasing.
His hand slaps his heart. “We can’t have that. How would I ever survive without your sunny disposition and smart-ass comments?”
I shrug. “Hey, with me gone, you might actually win a game of darts.”
He gives me a mock glare. “How dare you? You know, back home, I’m the reigning champ at darts.”
“Oh, how cute. You know it doesn’t count if no one else competes, right?”
He reaches out and pinches me. “You’re not being very nice, missy.”
“But you still love me.” I beam up at him.
He pulls me into a side hug. “I do.” Then quieter, he murmurs, “He does too.”
I pretend I don’t hear, but we both know I did.
I pull back, giving him a smile. “So six?”
He sighs, nodding. “Six.”
Xavier
“I saw her today.” I glance up at Jack as he comes back into the room.
“Yeah? How was she?” I don’t bother hiding my desperation.
At first, I tried to hide it, but Jack wouldn’t have it.
He came into the room one day, talking about how my feelings for Cassi must have been fake seeing as I’m was so calm about everything. Then he suggested I go out and find a new booty call.
I had him up against the wall before he could finish his sentence.
Then he laughed.
“There you are. I thought Xavier, the friend I know and love, had been replaced by unfeeling aliens. Now, what are we going to do to get her back?”
That was when I realized not only did I not deserve Cassi, but I don’t deserve Jack either.
He’s a one-of-a-kind friend. He might be the fun of the party, but he would have your back in a heartbeat.
“She’s good, man. She misses you, I think. She didn’t want to talk about you, but she’s good. I’m going to see her tonight.”
I tense up. “What do you mean?”
He shrugs. “She’s going to help me study for humanities. I figured I could find out what she’s been up to while I’m at it.”
I let out the breath I was holding. I shouldn’t have doubted him for even a half a second. He’s a genuine friend.
“Thanks. Keep your hands to yourself,” I add in on a tease.
“It will be hard, but I will. The question is, who is going to keep her hands off of me?”
I jump up to hit him, but he takes off out the door.
“Asshole,” I holler at his retreating form.
“You love me.” His words flow back to me.
I give a small smile to the other two guys in the hallway, ignoring their questioning looks. Fuck them. They don’t get to judge.
I close myself back into my room and return to my spot on my bed to go back to studying.
Hey. The woodshop is going to be open tonight.
I smile at the text from my classmate, Grant. I didn’t really know him until two weeks ago, but with enough money, he was willing to help me out on a special project.
What time? I’ll be there.
A couple hours later, I meet Grant at the woodshop.
“You sure about this man?” he asks, counting the money I slipped into his hand.
One thousand dollars. The best money I have ever spent.
“Yeah. I took a woodshop class at the academy, but I don’t know how to use all the stuff. I want this to look perfect. It’s really important.”
He nods. “Let’s get to work then.”
I hand him the haphazardly cut pieces of wood. It’s going to be hard, but I’m not willing to give up on this.
17
Cassi
AirPods in, I jam out to some nineties rap trying to study. I found a corner tucked back into the library and haven’t seen a person since I sat down. I put my phone on, do not disturb, blocking out the world.
You’ve been doing that a lot lately, a little voice in my head says.
It’s been two weeks since I officially broke it off with Xavier. To say it’s been difficult would be an understatement. I still see him occasionally on campus. With Jack deciding to hang around, I sure get enough updates on him.
Truth is, I miss him.
From what Jack says, I know he would take me back in a heartbeat if I just picked up the phone and called him. I can’t do that though.
Even though I denied it, I have some messed-up shit to deal with. I thought I was coping with the death of Ryan, but I wasn’t. I was hiding from it. Xavier helped me take the first steps toward confronting my overwhelming grief, but I’m not there yet.
If I called him now, I would only be using our relationship as a way to avoid those feelings again. That wouldn’t be fair to him or me.
While I hope when I’m ready he is still there, waiting for me, I also know that asking him to do so would be selfish. That’s why I had to let h
im go.
But you love him.
Shaking the thought away, I fall into nineteenth-century America for my history class. I don’t know how long I throw myself into it, but I startle when a hand touches my knee.
I let out a gasp, pulling my earbuds out.
“What’s up?” I ask a frazzled-looking Rebecca.
“I’ve been looking for you,” she says harshly as she pulls my books out of my lap and jamming them into my bag.
“What the hell are you doing? I’m studying,” I hiss, trying to keep my voice down.
“We need to leave,” she says, standing with my bag in hand.
“No, we don’t, I need to study.” I pull on my bag, not moving. “What’s gotten into you?”
“I swear to God, Cassandra, I’m sick of your shit. If you want to stay here? Fine, but I’m going to the hospital,” she spews, dropping my bag at my feet.
“Hospital? Why are you going to the hospital?” I frown, watching her retreat.
“Because that’s where Xavier is and someone needs to sit with Jack,” she says over her shoulder.
I scramble, grabbing my bag and chasing after her. “What happened?”
“I don’t know. Jack left me a message when I was in class. I didn’t get it until I got out. All he said was Xavier was in an accident and he was on his way to Memorial. I got it about forty minutes after he left it, then spent the last hour trying to find you.”
“Is he okay?” I ask as we rush down the stairs.
“I don’t know. I don’t know if Jack knows. I tried to call him back, but it went to voicemail.” She shrugs as we make it outside. “Hopefully we know more when we get there.”
I let her lead me to her car. I pull up my phone and type out a quick text to Xavier, asking if he’s okay and to please call me. I’m praying he responds, but the longer he goes without answering, the more my heart drops.
If he’s not answering, it means he can’t answer.
A small part is still hoping he’s ignoring me, but I know in my heart that he wouldn’t.
By the time we make it to the hospital, my anxiety is through the roof. I barely wait for the car to stop before I’m out the door. Rebecca is hot on my trail, following behind me.