by KT Strange
My fingers hovered over the screen of my phone and I finally hit his contact, with a feeling snapping inside of me like a bone being reset. I held my breath, closed my eyes, and waited.
My stomach dropped the call went right to his voicemail, which wasn’t even set up, and I frowned down at the phone in my lap before chewing on my lip. I didn’t leave a message, he wouldn’t have checked them anyway.
There was only one other option.
I dialed Garret.
“This isn’t a good time, Mia,” Garrett sounded harried and tense. I paused, shoveling away the hurt at his immediate dismissal.
“I really need to talk to Shawn, is he okay? He’s not answering,” I pressed, knowing it was with the risk of pissing off Garrett to get an answer to my tumbling emotions. At the very least Shawn would know I’d cared enough to call and find out how he was doing.
Garrett sighed and I could hear the click of a door, muffled noise in the background becoming sharp and clear through the phone. Yelling, multiple voices, one of them distinctly Shawn’s.
“Are you at home?” I asked, sitting up, all my nerves on sudden alert.
“It’s been like this since we got home,” Garrett said, and I could hear the exhaustion coming through his voice, dragging him down. “Like I said, bad time, okay? I’ll let him know to call you when, if, he can.”
“If?” I asked, not able to keep the tremble out of that single word. That wasn’t good. That didn’t sound remotely hopeful. I would’ve thought that Shawn’s parents were glad he’d been brave, and done the right thing to help a friend-
But maybe he hadn’t been honest with them. My stomach sank, down to the depths of my soul and I felt sick.
“My dad’s cutting him off. No phone, no fucking nothing. He doesn’t want him in the house, he says he’s too much goddamn trouble- Mia, I can’t lose my brother,” Garrett sounded pained, like each word was a fight to squeeze out. “I can’t, I need to go, okay? I’ll text you later-” The sound in the background went quiet for a moment, and it was just mine and Garrett’s breathing, his shaky and uneven, mine hesitant.
“I think they’re stopping,” he murmured, his footsteps echoing down the line to me. “I think-”
“The fuck you think you’re doing, under my roof-” The words were shouted closer to the phone, and Garrett exhaled suddenly.
“Dad,” he said, and the line went dead.
Electricity shot right through me and I stood up, my body not able to do anything expect obey some subconscious demand that I do something. I hovered there, trembling, my muscles sparking with need to go somewhere.
My uncle. I needed to call him. He was out running errands, but he would know what to do. It wasn’t the first time he’d defused a tense situation between parents and child, and I’m sure it wasn’t the last. Garrett might or might not thank me for getting Coach involved but… Shawn’s safety and wellbeing trumped all of that shit, right? It was way more important than anyone’s pride. I should’ve gone to my uncle to begin with when I knew that Shawn was being beat on by his dad. Guilt bit at my heart as I called my uncle, and waited for him to pick up. It rang… and rang… I closed my eyes as his voicemail clicked on.
“Coach Quinn, leave a message.”
“Please call me, Uncle Matt,” I said, my throat thick with feeling. “Please, it’s really urgent.” I couldn’t even say that nobody was hurt, because that wasn’t true. And I knew it. Could I walk to Shawn and Garrett’s? The Riordan household was far away, and it might take me close to forty-five minutes before I even got there.
My phone lit up. My uncle. My heart leaped back up from where it had been making friends with my kidneys, right into my throat.
“Kiddo, what’s up?” My uncle sounded relaxed, like he hadn’t even listened to my message. He’d probably just seen my missed called and-
“I,” I choked up, not able to speak properly and coughed. “I’m, I think… Shawn’s not doing so good,” I fumbled to find the right words. I didn’t want to out Shawn’s abuse without telling him, but I had to. Things were coming to a head so fast. “His dad is really mad at him, and I called Garrett, and all I could hear was shouting in the background. Like they were going at each other, screaming,” I blurted it all out, the dam giving way inside of me.
I just hoped the truth would set Shawn free, and the pain he was in would finally stop. My uncle could help make it stop.
“Oh Mia,” my uncle sighed. “Shit. Really?”
“It’s bad,” my voice dropped low. “Where are you?”
“In the city,” he said, and I could hear him cringing. “Do you think he’s in physical danger?”
I swallowed. Did I know that he was being hit right then? No. I didn’t. Garrett hadn’t said that, and I’d just heard shouting. If they were shouting at each other, they probably weren’t attacking each other, because a physical fight didn’t leave much breath-space for lobbing insults and curses.
“I don’t know,” I said. Why was he hesitating? My heart squeezed. He should’ve been off the phone from me immediately, telling me he’d take care of it, and call up the Riordan household or just show up there.
But he was in the city. I had to remember that it wasn’t black and white. That was the fucking struggle, wasn’t it? Remembering that not everything was so simple as person makes decision I don’t agree with, so they are bad and stupid and I need to be mad at them. It was more complex than that. He was probably weighing out what it would cost him in terms of difficulty at work, or how much worse things would be for Shawn if some authority figure paid the Riordan’s a visit.
“Do you want me to call them?” He asked with another sigh, sounding resigned. “I don’t normally step in unless I know there’s a danger of physical harm, because that’s when I need to make the call, but- it’s Shawn. He’s been struggling, and I’ve been talking to his parents for a long time, and-” my uncle was rambling, almost like he wasn’t even sure what to do. I felt like it should have been more concrete than that. “I won’t be back for at least another hour and a bit,” he said, “even if I speed the whole way home, which I’m not going to do unless you think there’s something more than just a shouting match happening, in which case, a welfare check with the police needs to happen, and me getting there earlier versus later isn’t going to make a difference.”
I thought about the cops rolling up to the Riordan house, and felt ill about it. That would probably make things worse.
“No,” I said, “no I think it’s not that bad.”
“Okay,” and I hated the way my uncle sounded almost relieved. “But let me know if anything changes.”
I swallowed.
“Okay, I promise,” I said, “bye.” I hung up.
I couldn’t just leave it. There was only one more person to call, really, wasn’t there? A neutral-is party.
“Mia?” Cael’s voice was immediately concerned, and I pushed away the odd little flutter in my belly that I made someone like him worried.
“We need to go to Shawn and Garrett’s,” I said. “Can you pick me up?”
“Be there in ten,” Cael said, without a single question.
7
Mia
The ride over was tense and took too long for my own comfort. I was just glad that Cael was able to drive me, and that I didn't have to walk. I don't think I could've handled it. I would've ended up running and collapsing, my lungs giving out from lack of exercise, and I’ve had died alone on the side of the road while Shawn got the shit beat out of him by his father. That was a bit of an over-dramatic imagining, but my adrenaline was racing and I couldn’t help it.
“So you think at some bad is going down?" Cael asked. I nodded, my neck feeling tense. He sighed, his hand tight on the steering wheel as we took the curving road faster than we should’ve. He’d shown up in a large truck, not the convertible, so no wind whipping my hair at that moment. It made it easier to talk without having to shout at each other over the noise.
“Son
of a bitch,” he said.
“Pretty much," I replied with a grimace. The whole situation was too fucked up. I couldn't believe what we were going through. Shawn didn't deserve any of it. No matter what he’d done to me, he really didn't. Everyone deserved to feel safe with their family. No one deserved to be shit on for who they loved, and I knew a lot of Mr. Riordan’s anger was probably because Shawn was just a ‘dirty faggot’ in his mind, and that was worse than anything else. Garrett probably could've stabbed someone, and their parents wouldn’t have been as angry over it.
That made an unholy rage rise up inside of me. I wanted to fucking slap Mr. Riordan. He didn’t deserve to have kids if he wasn’t able to love them just as they were.
“Shit, shit,” Cael said as we turned a corner, pulling out from the heavy forest and onto a lightly-tree lined boulevard. I followed his gaze. The Riordan house wasn’t quite as big as some of the other’s, and that’s why we could see the commotion as we pulled up.
I was out of the truck, my feet stumbling across the lush green grass before Cael had fully thrown it into park.
Shawn’s dad had him by the throat, both of them red in the face, standing out on the front lawn like he didn’t even care who saw him assaulting his kid.
Without a thought I ran, bodychecking the older man in the side, the hit stunning me it was so hard. I bounced off of him as he turned, shock on his face at the surprise hit. His hand dropped from around Shawn’s throat, who stumbled back, coughing.
For a moment I just stood there, black spots at the edge of my vision, as the shock on Mr. Riordan’s face turned to anger.
A shriek interrupted him as he took a step toward me, his wife, behind him. She streaked across the grass, not at all dressed for the occasion, like she’d been interrupted getting ready for some sort of fancy luncheon. She wore a silk dress that fluttered to the ground, getting ruined by the wet grass.
Good, the evil feeling of pleasure curdled inside of me.
Maybe if a few of the things she cared about got hurt, like her expensive clothes, she’d start paying attention and caring about how her husband treated his sons.
Cael caught up to me a half-second later, shoving himself in front of me in case Mr. Riordan gave into that baser instinct and came at me like he’d seemed to want to. Garrett spilled out of the house, going to Shawn. Shawn leaned on him hard, not able to meet my gaze when I looked at him to see if he was okay. His cheeks were pink, and streaked with tears. He’d been crying.
That sight made the anger flare inside of me.
Mr. Riordan opened his mouth to speak, but I darted out from behind Cael’s broad shoulders and stalked toward the older man.
“This is your fucking son,” I yelled, my voice cracking with hoarse emotion. Tears, angry and hot, welled up in my eyes. No matter how bad things had gotten, my mother had never laid a hand on me. Our world had come crashing down around us so many times, and yet she’d never, ever, hurt me like that.
Mr. Riordan said nothing, just stared at me like I’d slapped him. I walked to Shawn, giving the old man a look of disgust, and wrapped my arms around Shawn tight. He tensed for a moment, then melted, his arms coming around me. I felt the shake of unreleased sobs in his chest, right under my cheek as I pressed my face against him. His arms were cold from the morning air, and the thin cotton was damp with sweat.
It wasn’t fair. He didn’t deserve to hurt that bad.
“I’m fine, Mia,” he mumbled, his voice shuddery and broken. “You shouldn’t have come.” Behind us, I could hear Cael talking to Mr. Riordan, his tone low, and almost on the edge of threatening. Mrs. Riordan was silent, standing there in her thousand dollar dress, watching the tableau of her family falling apart.
I wanted to yell at her that it had been falling apart for years, but she’d been too blinded by dinner parties and socializing with her peers to notice.
Garrett put an arm around Shawn’s shoulders, bracing his twin, his warmth welcome in the cool air. Shawn wasn’t even dressed to be outside, still in his pajama pants with bare feet. It seemed like the fight had stated at breakfast, and not stopped until we’d gotten there.
There was a noise of movement and I looked up. Mr. Riordan was glaring at Cael, even as he turned away from the younger man, and walked to his wife.
“Let’s go inside, dear,” he spat the endearment out, his spine stiff as he walked. I glanced at Cael, who’d didn’t return my look. His face was serious as he watched Shawn’s father go, leading his wife along behind him. The front door closed, and we all heard the sound of the lock bolting. Shawn stiffened, like he’d been punched.
“They’ll cool off,” Garrett said. “It’ll be okay.” I caught his eye and he gave me a completely unconvincing smile that was more a grimace than anything.
“None of this is okay,” I replied. “You know that.”
“Let’s get in the truck.” Cael walked over to us. Shawn was still shaking, his skin pale other than his reddened cheeks and the fading marks of his father’s hand around his throat. I tangled my fingers with his and tugged.
“C’mon,” I urged gently. He looked… like shit. Like his heart had been ripped out of his chest. I ached to put it back together for him.
Shawn followed me on shaky legs, and I crawled in the back seat with him, my knees bumping his in the close quarters. Cael hadn’t even turned off the truck’s engine, the heat blasting us as soon as we got settled. I had no idea where we were headed as he started driving, but I focused on just getting Shawn buckled up, because his fingers didn’t seem to work properly right then.
He mumbled something and I jerked, because it almost didn’t seem real, what he was saying.
“What?”
His eyes rose to meet mine, the ache in them ripping my heart right in half.
“I don’t wanna be here,” he said, the weight on here making me know exactly what he meant. He didn’t want to be on this planet, in this existence. My mouth went dry and I swallowed reflexively, trying to reach out to him, in any way I knew how, to make it better.
All our choices had lead us down this dark path. My arms wrapped around him, and I held him tight to me as he shuddered, his head dropping to my shoulder. He cried, quietly wept, into the neckline of my hoodie as I clung onto him, willing him in my mind to stay right next to me and not go where I couldn’t follow.
He couldn’t go there. This couldn’t end like that. His story had a lot more chapters in it, and I wasn’t going to watch him slip away from me, or from us. I caught Cael looking at me in the rear-view, his face drawn and furious, his eyes sparking with rage I knew was directed at Shawn’s parents and not either one of us.
Garrett murmured quietly to him, and Cael answered, but their words were blurry over the soft hitches of Shawn’s breath. This was too much for any of us to handle. I snuck my fingers up through Shawn’s hair, trying to soothe him. We needed to fix this for him, but how do you put someone back together when their whole world has evaporated around them?
I knew what it was like to lose your footing like that. I’d stared out at the abyss with my mother for so long, wondering when I’d slip and she wouldn’t be there to catch me. It dawned on me that Shawn had been living in the same place, even if the walls of his home had been richly decorated, and not a poorly insulated trailer that shook every time a heavy storm blew through.
He’d been waiting for the carpet to be yanked out from under him, for him to go tumbling into the black with no one waiting to catch him. How he felt about Buck had left him off-kilter and with no way of saving himself if his parents finally decided to give up on him and his ‘perverted’ desires.
There was a crushing sensation in my chest that wouldn’t go away no matter how slow and even I tried to make my breaths. I closed my eyes and held him tighter.
“I got you,” I whispered into the shell of his ear. He tensed, his fingers trembling on my skin. His lips moved, no sound emerging for a moment, except for a dry cough.
A water bottle
dropped in my lap, from Garrett in the front passenger seat, and he quickly turned back to look straight ahead, giving us privacy. I shifted, getting space between us so I could crack it open.
“Here,” I shoved it into Shawn’s hand and he took a swig. His eyes were bloodshot and he looked like he hadn’t slept despite being in his pj’s.
“Do you?” he asked me, and my brain skittered back a few seconds in rewind.
“Yeah,” I said gently, “I got you.”
“But do I?” His head tilted the side, and he looked like he was going to vomit, or cry again.
“Got me?” I asked, feeling the tension wrap around my chest, tightening like a wire. “Yeah,” I whispered, not in a place where I could deny him any ounce of love. We’d fix the past in the future. In the present, my anger and hurt needed to be put aside, at least for awhile. “Yeah you do.”
I leaned in, pressing my lips to his, watching as his eyes slid shut. The future would keep. Shawn had to come first.
8
Mia
We drove for an hour, until Shawn stopped shivering and was able to string more than a few words together at a time. Garrett’s phone kept ringing, the quiet vibrations sounding off in the quiet of the truck cab, but he didn’t answer any of the calls. We all knew who it was.
Their father, trying to claw Garrett back, or pretend things weren’t as bad as they were. None of us were in the mood to give him that kind of absolution. He’d tried to choke his son. That weighed heavily in the air. I wasn’t forgiving that, not ever.
We slowed and I lifted my head as the area became familiar.