by KT Strange
She slapped me, hand catching me across my face and I jerked back, stunned. She gulped down a breath of air, her cheeks burning bright red, and she hissed out a curse at me before spinning on her heel, stalking up.
My face stung and I lifted a finger to rub over my cheekbone.
“Well shit, Paige’s getting kinky,” Reid said, jostling next to me, Cael behind him as always. “The fuck you say to her?”
“Something apparently too close to the mark,” I replied with a snort. “What do you want?”
“Eh, well, I was gonna ask if you wanted to party this weekend, but now I’m just hard as fuck,” Reid said, his eyes following the flutter of Paige’s skirt as she disappeared down the end of the hall.
“That’s what the shower stalls are for, down in the gym,” I said, closing my locker door with a sigh. Reid snickered and elbowed Cael. Cael just stood there, his gaze steady on me. “What?” I snapped, feeling defensive. He had really pitched in. More than I’d ever expected from him. It unnerved me. Why the fuck was he being so helpful?
“Just wondering how you’re doing,” he said, like it was any of his fucking business. Well… it was a little. It was him helming the whole legal thing that had steered me away from hot water. That was still in limbo while the Family Lawyers of our little collective argued with the school about it. At least the cop shit was going away, but the school… I wasn’t sure if they were ever going to forget. They hadn’t kicked me out yet, and everyone was acting like nothing had happened at all.
I wondered how much money Cael had splashed out of his family bank accounts to keep it on lock down, and why. We were friends but we weren’t… close. Not like him and Reid.
But then nobody was close like him and Reid were.
“You know,” I thought as I picked my words carefully, “things are the worst that could be.”
The guys thought that over, and Cale nodded.
“Good,” he said, and then surprising me more than anything, his hand came up and landed on my shoulder, squeezing there. “Because it matters,” he finished, looking at me with that dead-serious gaze of his. For a moment my heart swelled, because something in him had this way of… bolstering me. I’d seen it in other guys too. Cael doing the heavy look with his Most Sincere Ever face on, and you just kinda felt like he gave a shit about you. That you were important.
“Gaaaaaaaaaay,” Reid said, walking away with a snort. “Let’s go find some freshmen to bother.”
Cael glared at his friend’s departing back and gave me a regretful smile.
“Catch you later.” He left too, leaving me to stand there, albeit feeling a little better than I had been.
11
Shawn
Staying with the Quinn's was a welcome break from being at my home. There was no fights, Coach always thought the best of me, and seeing Mia every morning and going to school with her made life a less stressful to deal with. She only had to look at me with those big eyes of hers, and I’d melt, forgetting (most) of my problems.
The next few days were easy, and comfortable. Not like being with my parents. But then I guess nothing would ever compare to being at home with my father, who'd seemed to hate me from the very first minute. I can’t remember a time when he acted like he loved me. Not even when I was just a little snot-nosed kid. Garrett was aways his number one and only. Even my mom, as indifferent as she was to us, preferred Garrett.
I don't know why I never saw it coming. I should have, because if there's one thing I knew about a girl like Paige? They never gave up. Once they decided to get their claws in you, and make your life fucking miserable, they’d do it no matter how many barriers you had between you and them. That bitch was fucking insatiable for drama.
I swear she had her hate on for me because of how much she loved Buck. Hell, she did it to Mia first, right? Paige was obsessed with him. If I thought about it, it wasn’t even love. Nobody acted like that when they loved somebody. That level of cruel, and kinda crazy behavior? That wasn't love.
The text message came in at midnight. I was downstairs in Buck’s old room, having just kissed Mia a good night. The air was warm, and heavy, sleep creeping up on me in that lazy way it does in late fall. My shirt was off, and I kinda thought about shoving my hands down my pants, to release the pressure, you know, the stress of everything. That’s when my phone vibrated. I glanced at the screen, wondering if it was Buck or even Mia (and what I wouldn’t give for her to come downstairs and release the pressure with me, I tell ya).
An unknown number popped up and instantly I remembered all the times that Mia had gotten those kind of text messages. My stomach dropped. I opened it up.
Is she who you really want to be with? Because we all think you're just fooling yourself. It's Buck you want, and it's pretty fucked up about how you're going around it.
I let my phone dropped to the bed, wrestling with feeling like an asshole and the victim of a stupid attempt at cyber-bullying.
The bottom line though about Paige though, was that she was never going to stop until she got what she wanted. Really could I blame her? I had made some really bad decisions and I made an easy target. I treated Shiv like crap. I had played with Mia's feelings, just to get what I wanted too. What kind a fucking person was I anyway? My heart thudded dully in my chest and I sat up. I knew what I needed to do. I wasn't going to repeat the mistakes that I’d made before. I wasn't gonna give Paige and her flock of little soul-sucking minions any ammo to use against me. I was finally going to be free of my parents and all of their expectations that I could never live up to anyway.
What I had with Mia was still confusing, and it was still so new but I wasn't going to risk losing it for anything. I walked up the creaky stairs of Coach’s house, wincing with every single footfall. Light showed under the crack of her door and I tapped on it. I heard a rustling noise and her footsteps. She opened the door. Her lips parted to speak and I pulled a dick move, bending down to kiss her instead of letting her ask what I wanted.
I could feel her gasp of surprise as I backed her up into the room, closing the door behind me. When I pulled away, her eyes were wide, her pupils flared.
"I love you, and if you just want me to be with you and not with Buck, I'll do that. I don't need him to be happy. I'll do anything to prove to you that it's you I really care about. I will always love him but you were the only reason I'm even here." My stomach was in knots as I watched her process my words. I didn't know what she'd even think of them. But I Had to get it off my chest, I never wanted to hurt her again. I couldn't. I couldn't live with myself if I kept doing that over and over and over.
I owed Colt so bad, because what would've happened if he hadn't been there for her. What would've happened if the universe had just let me keep being an asshole. Having her run away from camp was a big fucking wake-up call. It was one I deserved.
Mia's eyes clouded and I wasn't sure if she was going to cry. She lifted her hand and cupped the side of my face, and I pressed my weight into it, needing that touch so badly. I didn’t deserve her, not after everything I’d put her through, but I needed her. If only the universe would give me the chance to be the guy she needed to.
"I'm not going to ask you to make that kind of choice," she said. "I don't think it would be really fair for me, considering me and Colt…" She looked to the side and I had to smile.
"I'd say I was jealous," I said as I bit my lip, "Colt is pretty hot. But he is a fucking handful." She smacked me lightly in the chest and turned away, and the relief that exploded in side of me at her not rejecting me outright, or demanding that I just love her and only her, made my head feel light and dizzy.
"Oh like you and Buck aren't?" She asked. She was right, pretty much.
I followed her to her bed and we sat on it, the mattress creaking under the weight of both of us. She curled up near the headboard, watching me with a thoughtful expression on her face.
"I'm like the best worst kept secret in the whole damn school," I said. "What do you th
ink I should do about that? My parents, my dad, were always so embarrassed about it, even when I dated Shiv, it wasn’t good enough for them. And I can’t help but feel like… I’m tired of pretending to be something I’m not.“ She thought about it for a few moments.
"What you want to do about it? What would make you happy?”
"I pretty much got everything right now that I need or want," I said, for as long as Coach would have me, I was beginning to think my parents wouldn’t even seek to bring me back home. Coach had said they weren’t planning on pulling me out of HRA, because it would make them look bad. For once, social pressure was working in my favor. "I think the only thing I really want is to take away the ammo that Paige seems to think she has over me. She's got it in her head that she can control me or how I act, like she just wants to manipulate me into doing whatever it is she wants. I know what she’s planning on happening, to split us up so she can get back to Buck.” Mia nodded slowly.
"She is one crazy bitch,” she agreed, her voice soft. “It’s almost sad. She could be so nice. Why waste your life being horrible to people when you could make the world better?”
That was Mia, always being sweet, even to someone who’d made her life hellish.
“You know what, I think I'm just going to be honest about it." I felt an assertive, evil satisfaction growing inside of me. She wanted to play with fire? She thought she could actually fucking hurt me? Hurt me with who I was, using who I loved against me? Nah. I was done being hurt by people who didn't give a fuck about me. I was done with my family, I was done with Paige.
"Hang on." I got off the bed and went back downstairs, that intense feeling growing inside me all the while. She was never going to see me coming. I grabbed my phone and shot off a quick status update, sending it to all my social media. The wild smile spread across my face. Nobody was going to tell me who I could love, and nobody was gonna shame me for it. I heard creaking and footsteps. Mia appeared at the top of my stairs.
"What did you do?" She asked, although there was a smile on her face telling me she wasn’t that worried. She had her phone in her hand, and she held it up, the screen alight. I shrugged and lay back on my bed. I propped my head up on my hands and grins. I was fucking free.
"Just told the whole damn world that I love you and I love Buck and there's nothing anybody can to do about it."
12
Shawn
Coming out to a bunch of people who already kind of know that you're into guys was a weird experience. Everybody at school was super chill with it, and somehow Mia dating me and Buck and Colt was not anything that they were making a big deal about. I’m sure some people were, but it was behind our backs and didn’t get to us. Which was a good thing, because I was in no damn mood and I’d have punched out anybody, guy or girl, who decided that any of us were easy pickings. Who did they think they were compared to us? Buck was pretty much a king at HRH, and I was his second in command. And nobody, nobody ever fucked with Colt.
I knew that Buck had my back, alongside with my brother, so any shit from the football team wasn't gonna fly. It just felt good to be in my own skin, and be honest with myself. Finally, I could face each day knowing I was chasing my own dreams and not trying to live up to my father’s twisted version of who he thought I should be.
The only thing I regret? Was not talking to Shiv. Days later, that caught up with me. She saw me in the hallway between classes, and her face went pale. I hadn’t exactly been avoiding her, but I wasn't looking for her either. If you know what I mean. It was hard enough to face the whole school, but Shiv had been with me for so long, and knew me better than almost anyone, which made talking to her somehow even harder.
Mia stood by my side, and glanced up at me.
"Do you want me to talk to her?" She asked, although from the look on her face she wasn’t looking forward to doing my dirty deeds.
"No, this is my fuck up," I said. "It should be me who talks to her, and I need to be the one to apologize to her." Mia slipped her hands along my forearm, the touch making my skin tingle. Would that always be like that? I didn’t want to lose out on these new, precious first moments of our relationship.
“We all make mistakes," she said, her voice soft. "Just don't beat yourself up for it. I know you've always meant well, you've always tried to do what was right, even when you are being selfish. Remember we are all a little selfish inside." She leaned up and kissed my cheek. I smiled at her.
"You're too good to me, I said". She laughed.
"Yeah, I am."
"Hey fuckers,” Colt said as he walked up to us, throwing a look at Shiv, who was still standing there. Waiting. She knew this was going to happen, and it looked like she wanted to have it right there, in the hallway. "Let me take our girl to lunch. Looks like you have shit to handle." He grabbed Mia by the hand and she laughed as he tugged her along. They left us in the rapidly clearing hallway, Shiv just staring at me.
"I am over you Shawn Riordan. You don't need to say a fucking thing to me. Message received loud and clear. I’m over this, whatever we had, it meant nothing, got it?" The hurt on her face said otherwise, but I wasn't about to call her out. If she wanted to pretend that we were done and she was fine with how things had gone down, then I was gonna let her. Who the fuck was I to tell her how to grieve. There was only one thing that bothered me.
"I want you to forgive Mia. Fully. This was my fault. My fuck up, not hers." I swallowed, trying to relieve the tension in my body any way I could. I didn't want to repeat the reason that their friendship was completely screwed up.
I know Mia had made mistakes and how she acted too, we all had. Even Shiv. Nobody knew how much pressure she put on me behind the scenes, when we were alone. When I had been uncomfortable kissing her, or touching her, she’d always pushed me. Not that I think she was some kind of sexual predator; it was just hard for her. It was hard to have a boyfriend who didn't want to have sex with you. And I don't think she knew how to deal with that. It's not exactly in all the manuals right? All teen guys are horn dogs. All we think about is sex, or whatever.
Well we do, except some of us think about sex with our best friends. And then some of us think about sex with our best friend’s girlfriends at the same time. I'm not saying I'm insane, because I'm not. But I can't help who I love. I could never help who I loved.
“Well, what do you want me to say?“ Shiv asked. She blinked rapidly, and I felt so fucking bad. I didn’t want her to cry. I didn’t ever want to hurt her. It’d just happened. It was one of those fucking things. In seeking the completion of my own heart, I’d broken hers.
“I just don’t want things to be shitty. I want it to be better.”
She huffed.
“Tell your fucking brother to return my texts,” she said, and then bit her lip. “Sorry. Things are weird between us, me and him I mean. I should’ve never… I guess I’m not exactly the only one who’s done stupid things with the wrong people.” She sighed. “I have mostly forgiven Mia. We haven’t really talked it out as much as I’d have liked, but I think I don’t really need the closure. Are you guys… the three of you? She’s dating Colt too, though. How are you okay with that, even a little bit?”
“It doesn’t make any sense, and it shouldn’t work, but it does,” I said. “You’d think Buck at least would be flipping shit but…”
Buck seemed happy. Like, he felt better when it wasn’t just him and Mia. I had to figure that one out. I’d never seen him like that with a girl before. In fact, in the past, he’d been jealous if someone flirted with one of his girlfriends. It didn’t make any fucking sense.
“Well whatever makes you happy,” she said, her tone wistful. “Did I ever do that for you? Make you happy?”
I walked up to her and took her hands in mine, squeezing them gently and giving her the most honest, sincere look.
“You made me as happy as I could be. The problem was never you, Shiv, it was always me. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for using you to hide my real self.” I meant eve
ry word of it too. I was sorry.
“Apology accepted,” she said, her voice thick with emotion. “It still hurts but… I don’t hate you. And I don’t hate Mia, or even Buck. Maybe Colt a little. He stole my granola bar this morning. Can you tell him to cut that shit out?”
I laughed and pulled away.
“Yeah, I’ll talk to him. Not like he’s going to fucking listen to me, though, right?”
13
Mia
Days past and Shawn stayed with us. I didn't ask a lot of questions, because I knew all the legal stuff was out of my hands. And I was almost afraid to ask. It's like I didn't really want to know, because if I knew then it could be the worst kind of update.
A little bit of ignorance is bliss, and a whole lot of no news is good news, that was the mental strategy I was employing anyway. Just to kind of get through things, and on top of that we had our prep tests for our final exams of the term.
“Fuck this shit.” Shawn threw his binder across the room. We were at Buck's house, up in his apartment. It was the best place to relax and study, since there were no adults around, and things could get as quiet or as loud as we wanted. It was also good for me, because I could sit in Buck's lap, or Shawn’s, or Colt’s and not get any weird looks from my uncle.
I was curled up against Buck's shoulder, my English lit textbook open in my lap, enjoying the closeness and being out of the pressure cooker that was HRA and all the stares I was still getting. At least people weren’t bullying me to my face. Apparently having three boyfriends made people leave you the fuck alone, since they were afraid of inviting a holy hell being brought down on them.