I ignored my father but slid down anyhow, a part of me wanted to say jeez Dad get out of here, can’t you see I’m having a conversation.
“Probably because you’re both hot,” I joked.
Kip didn’t respond right away. Did I say something wrong? Out of the corner of my eye I watched my father’s expression. His eyes darted between us. His expression blank. I wondered if the way I acted told my father, his son might be different.
“Yeah. Hey dude, where’s your bathroom?”
“It’s upstairs, I’ll show you.”
Kip followed me down the hall. He went up the stairs first. I savored his every step. We walked down the hall and I stopped in front of my bedroom door.
“It’s the door at the end of the hall.”
“Thanks.”
“No problem,” I said, walking into my room.
The sound of the bathroom door creaking open cut thick through the dead air. It always sent chills down my back hearing its eerie groan. I stared at my ajar bedroom door, hoping, wishing Kip would walk in. Flush filled my cheeks once more and a tingly energy rippled throughout my body at the sight of him standing at the threshold.
Why do I have a crush on you? I thought.
“Mind if I come in?” Kip asked.
Yes please!
“Of course.”
Oh my God, he’s in my room this can’t be happening.
Kip walked in and sat down next to me, he looked relieved to be away from the racket downstairs. Now that he sat closer to me, I felt sweat build on my forehead and started to taste a harsh, nervous dryness.
“The most popular kid is out of the room and no one notices.” I playfully punched his shoulder then asked, “How does it feel?”
Kyle, stop flirting.
“Pretty amazing actually. I hate how everyone notices my every move, like they idolize me. It’s good to escape reality for a minute.”
Kip seemed down to earth, he was so easy to talk to, and I liked this.
I followed Kip’s gaze as his eyes shifted from one side of the room to the other until they rested on all the past mementos from the sports my father insisted, I join. Insisted was putting it mildly. More like he signed both my brother and I up without our agreement. There was a baseball glove resting against my bureau collecting dust from my T-ball phase. A basketball, football, soccer ball, and track shoes. All of them half hidden and forgotten about in the far corner of the room.
I shifted focus to my perfectly organized side of the closet and saw the tennis bag and skateboard leaning against the wall. Above them hung my snowboard. These things didn’t collect dust. Kip’s eyes met my computer desk which was strewn with sketch paper. On the wall behind was a cork board with various drawings pinned to it. He kept a lingering eye on the semi-nude portraits of men I did last summer in an art class at the College of the Atlantic. My drawings took up most of the wall behind my desk. Next to it was my art stand, strewn with more supplies.
“You’re very talented.” Kip said.
“Thank you.”
“You still own a stereo?”
I was still staring at Kip when he looked at me.
“Huh? Oh, yeah. My brother hates the thing. He keeps trying to get me to use his old iPod.” I shrugged. “I’ve sort of collected CDs over the years.”
“It’s twenty-eleven, you can always download them to your computer.”
I smirked. “That’s what my brother tells me. One day I’ll be persuaded.”
“I heard that’s a good book,” Kip said picking up my copy of Will Grayson, Will Grayson.
“Oh, my brother gave that to me for my birthday last year.”
“I loved Paper Towns, I heard John Greene has a novel coming out early next year.”
“Yeah, The Fault in our Stars, I haven’t decided if I’m going to read it yet.”
He set the book back down and looked around my room some more.
“You’re not much of a sports player, are you?” he asked, resting on his elbow so that he leaned toward me.
“Why do you ask?”
“Because all your sports equipment is either on your impeccably organized side of the closet or it’s in the corner collecting dust.”
“Who says I’m the clean one.”
Kip laughed. “Your brother and I played football last year, don’t get me wrong I love him and he’s a great guy, but he was a bit of a slob.”
I mirrored Kips position, leaning on my elbows, and resting my hand a few inches from his.
“Try living with him. To answer your question, the things collecting dust are things my father pushed me into doing. Things I didn’t want to do but I did to appease him. The things in the closet are things I love to do, but he doesn’t seem to like me doing them.”
“Why not?” Kip asked.
“I don’t know. I guess he wants me to do a manly sport and to him tennis, skateboarding, and snowboarding aren’t very manly.”
“He should meet Andy Roddick, Tony Hawk, or Jamie Anderson.”
“Isn’t Jamie Anderson a female?”
He chuckled. “Yes. Our fathers sound a lot alike.”
“Really?” I asked. “How so?”
Kip cleared his throat. “He’s the one who pushes me into doing football, basketball, and baseball every year. I hate doing it, but he says, ‘if you want to go anywhere with your life, you’ll play, win, and get a scholarship.’ It’s as though he has no faith in my academic life, and ability to get into a competitive university. Funny, considering I get straight As. Winning is everything to the man, it’s so damn pathetic. Because he’s the basketball coach, I became captain instantly. It sucked. He gave no one else a chance.
“When we lose, he makes us run suicides after the game. It’s supposed to teach us to fight harder and win next time, but all it achieves is the urge to puke. If anyone stops before we finish, we must start over again,” he recalled. He shook his head as though bringing himself back to the present. “Sorry, that came out of nowhere.”
“No, it’s okay! Gotta talk shit out sometimes,” I said.
His eyes looked glazed, as though he was about to cry. I wanted to hold and comfort him. Tell him everything would be okay. Yet, how could I help someone else when I couldn’t help myself? Instead I got lost in his cocoa brown eyes and then quickly looked down at the closeness of our hands.
My inner conscience was divided. One half yelled at me, told me to reach out and take his hand, tempting me down the path I was too dumb and naïve to realize was the correct one. The other half was telling me to run. Flee the situation like I always did before I said or did something I’d regret. I listened to neither and got as far as lifting a hand toward his, only to put it back in its place.
“Are you okay?” Kip asked.
Those words echoed between my ears. Am I okay? I laughed on the inside. Of course, I am. Aren’t I? I didn’t know the answer, although lately all signposts pointed to me at least being bisexual, if not gay. I just didn’t have the courage to experiment, kiss a guy and see if I liked it. I found it easy to talk to Kip, too easy. I was scared I’d admit my feelings. Although it shouldn’t matter, I’d be moving soon. I may never see him again, and just like with Taylor. I was ready to cast him aside if it meant avoiding the subject which bothered me most.
However, maybe he could help me, even if he wasn’t going through the same thing I was. Maybe.
How would I tell you? I’ve been crushing on you for the last two years… For some reason I want to kiss you right now… nah…
A kiss would solve everything. I sighed and gathered my thoughts. There’s no way I could tell him while both men and women made my heart pitter, the sight of him also made it patter. Moving or not, if I told him I liked him, he could possibly get offended and hit me. Or out me. Then again, he was sitting on my bed and having a genuine heart to heart.
“Yeah I’m cool, just thinking.”
“About what?”
“Things,” I mumbled.
“What kind of things?”
“Personal things.”
“Want to talk about it?”
Those were the words I’d been waiting to hear for months. Yes, I wanted to talk about it, and here was my opportunity. With my brother it was too awkward. Kip wasn’t related to me, so it was easier. Kip adjusted and moved closer and I noticed his hand rest near mine. Then he leaned ever so slightly toward me. Ever closer to our lips touching, I thought, as my heartbeat so hard, I could hear it. It was so close, just a simple kiss and the mystery would be solved. I anticipated the moment. Darting my eyes from his lips to eyes and back to his mouth. Even momentarily fantasized about what it would be like to kiss this guy in front of me.
I hated being a teen who existed in a world ruled by hormones and emotions.
We smiled at each other and out of the corner of my eye I noticed his hand slide toward mine. I double checked the door was closed and subtly returned the favor. When our hands met, it sent chills up my arm and throughout my body. My breathing became uneven. In this intimate environment I wanted to solve the mystery plaguing me so.
“Nah, it’s cool.” I decided against it. “Let’s go back downstairs, I should be helping my dad with the grill. He recruited me,” I said. I could see the disappointment in Kip’s eyes.
§ § § §
“Where have you been?” my father asked when I was at his side.
“Talking with Kip. He’s cool. It’s too bad we’re moving. I think we’d be pretty good friends had we talked sooner.”
My dad looked at me, surprised. “What’s he like?”
“A lot like me actually,” I said.
“Really? But he plays sports, and you’re into art and theatre,” he said matter of fact.
I watched him swig a sip of beer.
“There’s more to have in common with someone other than sports and girls,” I retorted.
“Touché.”
“How is the food coming along?” I asked.
“Just placed everything down, it’s now your baby.”
Dad handed me the spatula and tongs, draping his apron around my neck and patted me on the shoulder. I noticed a kind of grin I hadn’t seen for a while. It was a mild mix of intoxication and the precise moment he’d let his guard down. He turned from the grill and started to walk inside. I felt nauseous at what I was about to say, but it had to be said.
“Hey Dad? Are you proud of me?”
He stopped just shy of the door and turned back to me.
“What kind of question is that?” he asked, returning to my side. I watched him take a swig from his beer before I spoke again.
“I mean, are you proud of the way I’ve turned out so far, no matter the outcome?”
“Kyle you’re my son. We may have our differences at times, but in the end, I am always going to love you.”
“Promise?”
He chuckled. Clearly the beer had relaxed him. “Yes. Everything okay?”
If I told you, you’d probably never speak to me again. It scares me to admit my true feelings to you. The one man I should be able to say anything to.
Fear combined with pride, and the concoction fused magnificently with admiration for wanting my father’s acceptance. My mind was clouded for a moment. The words were nearly at the tip of my tongue, but before the confession could escape, I swallowed them down. I wasn’t about to let my father know I was questioning my sexuality, and why not? What was wrong with saying, Dad I don’t know if I like girls, or guys, or girls and guys, but right now I just need your advice. Instead I sported a smile and shook my head.
“Times get tough. You live and learn and grow from your experiences. You’ll make it, and I will help however I can.”
“Promise?” I innocently asked.
“Promise,” he replied.
“Yeah I’ll make it,” I said to myself when he walked inside.
I tended the grill and soon found myself thinking about the moment in my room when Kip and I almost held hands. I wanted to do more but was petrified to make the first move. Other guys my age must have shared these same fantasies, right? Was my brother going through the same dilemma only ogling over girls? I heard someone sigh and faced Kip. He sat down and looked at me, smiling.
“Having fun?” I asked.
“Yeah, just needed a break from all the pettiness inside. Saw you out here so figured I’d come hang with you again if that’s okay.”
“Of course, it’s okay.”
“Hey boys.”
We turned at the same time to see my dad at the doorway.
“Hey Mr. McKinley.” Kip stood up and extended his hand to my father. “I’m Kip.”
“I insist you call me Jim. Mr. McKinley is too formal,” my dad said, trying to sound cool.
“Okay, Jim.”
“Nice grip you’ve got there, kid. Kyle, the ribs are almost done. If you guys are planning to use the jacuzzi, you’d better get it ready. It needs some time to warm up. We’ll be back from our camping trip with Amy and her friends in the morning. The house is all yours. The neighbors will complain if you guys make too much noise, be good.”
“Okay,” I said before he walked back in.
“You guys have a jacuzzi?” Kip inquired.
“Yeah, it’s behind you.” I pointed with the spatula before flipping the burgers.
I sat next to Kip and watched his shirt twist to fit his body and found myself jealous of a piece of clothing. My eyes darted up the length of his side, down his shoulders, and to his biceps. I briefly turned my attention to his neck and jawline, soaking in every possible detail.
“Are you going in?” he asked, turning back around.
“Maybe. I haven’t decided yet. I was actually thinking about starting a small bonfire.”
“Heck yeah, I love bonfires!”
I laughed at his enthusiasm. “Don’t get too excited, it won’t be a big one.”
“I don’t care, fires are so peaceful at any size. Would you like some help? I was a whiz at starting fires in Boy Scouts. It’s been a few years but as they say, it’s like riding a bike,” Kip bragged.
“I was head fire starter in my troop, but by all means if you think you can do better than me, I’m not going to stop you,” I retorted with a wink.
“I’m sensing a competition,” Kip said.
“What’s the prize?” I asked, leaning toward him.
I watched Kip lean toward me.
“I think we can negotiate something.”
I hadn’t noticed how close we gravitated toward each other until I heard the patio door open and my brother walked out. I realized our knees were almost touching when I sat back.
“Oh sorry,” Stephen said.
I felt my cheeks warm and wondered if they turned an embarrassing shade of red. Stupidly, I looked from Kip to my brother and back to Kip and said something completely unrelated to our conversation.
“Roger, rabbit.” I grinned.
Kip stood and started toward the door. “Let me know when you plan to start the fire.”
“Will do.” I gulped.
“You’re starting a fire?” Stephen asked when Kip closed the door.
Now I Am. “Yeah.”
“Damn, you can cut the sexual tension in the air with a knife!” Stephen joked. I eyed him and nudged him in the ribs.
“Shut it,” I said, jabbing my fists into his side again, he faked being in pain.
“Purely observational bro,” he continued. “Any who, people are begging for food.”
“Well bring these in,” I said handing him the burgers and chicken. “I’ll have the kabobs in shortly.”
“Alright. Nice job at the grill.”
“Thanks.”
I got the jacuzzi going and brought the food inside. I managed to snatch a half rack of ribs for myself and a few vegetable kabobs for Kip before they disappeared. I ventured into the living room and handed Kip his plate.
“Oh, thanks you didn’t have to.”
“Yes, I did,” I
said pointing to the kitchen. “They’re already gone.”
“Sit, I made room for you,” Kip said.
Aww you made room for me. I sat down between him and the armrest. I allowed our legs to touch, even though I wanted more.
Half of the crowd was focused on a DVD version of Trivial Pursuit, while the other half was busy stuffing their faces. I looked around and realized Stephen sitting in the chair next to us. Becca was sitting on his lap. They were busy whispering to each other. Once Becca was engrossed in another conversation, Stephen leaned toward me.
“Is the jacuzzi up and running?” he whispered.
“Yes, your highness. The two of you have the perfect opportunity for alone time,” I joked.
“Thanks, hey you and Kip have been hanging out a lot.”
“Yeah.” I tried not to smile. I failed.
He leaned closer. “Did he happen to tell you he’s bi?”
My heart stopped, and my stomach fell to my feet. I dropped the ribs I was holding and gawked at my brother.
“I’m guessing that’s a no. Thought you’d like to know,” he said behind a grin.
“I, uh no,” I paused. “Who told you?”
“He did, and I think he likes you.”
“I see.” A wave of confusion washed over me. “Well… the hot tub is ready.” I paused for effect. “Have fun you two.”
“You uh, have some fun of your own bro.” Stephen winked and motioned for Becca to stand
Mystified by the news, I leaned back and immediately felt Kip’s arm along the back of my neck and shoulder. It turned out Kip was bi. Did this mean I could be bi too?
It’s so easy being you, I wanted to say to Stephen. He didn’t understand. He was able to wear his sexuality on his sleeve, and at the end of the day he was confident knowing our dad would be more than happy to hear how his date went. He didn’t have to hide. Meanwhile, I felt as though I were locked in a closet, and my only flow of oxygen came from the small keyhole.
§ § § §
I tend to say goodbye in the strangest of ways, I don’t say it. So, when the party moved to the front yard, and people started to leave, I escaped to the jacuzzi. I stripped my shirt off and stepped in, leaning against the wall. Crickets chirped from hidden spots in the grass, amidst the foggy overcast.
Playing It Out Straight Page 3