“Congrats,” I said.
“Thank you.”
“Yeah that’s awesome, Dad. How come you waited till now to tell us?” Stephen asked.
I noticed Mom and Dad share a look.
“Because I wasn’t honest with you guys. I lied about why we moved here. The reason we moved here is because my book is being turned into a movie and I’ve been brought on board to be involved with the process.”
Amy’s jaw dropped. “Seriously?”
Dad laughed. “Seriously.”
“So, you don’t have a job?” Amy asked.
“I do, so does your mother, but our move was first and foremost because this is being turned into a movie.”
“That’s freaking awesome, Dad,” Stephen said.
“Thank you.” Dad looked right at me. “You may get to see a movie set after all.”
My eyes lit up. Perhaps it’s the thing they call movie magic, but movies have always fascinated me. Nothing was more impressive than fantastical period pieces with mind blowing sets and costumes. I got involved with theatre last year just to be part of the set design.
“Who picked it up?” I asked.
“I’m not at liberty to say. But they’ve got a script I’ve been asked to help with, and there are few actors who have already expressed interest.”
We all sat in silence. I picked up the book and flipped through a few pages, before turning to the prologue. While short and sweet, it was well written and intrigued me.
I never truly knew my son.
The two of us didn’t have the strongest father-son relationship and I certainly was never nominated for father of the year. Mostly because I never took the opportunity to see my son for who he was while I still had the chance. I spent so much time trying to make him into someone he wasn’t. I lost sight of what truly mattered. I always said I wasn’t going to follow in my father’s footsteps. Yet, I did. I treated my son the way my own father treated me. As a result, I lost my one and only son.
I stopped reading when I sensed someone was looking at me. I looked up at my dad and wondered what was going through his head.
I was divided. On one hand I was very impressed with my father. Writing a book was not an easy feat. On the other hand, he was the one person I feared most would find out I was attracted to guys. The fact that he wasn’t saying why he wrote the book also bothered me. I suppose his childhood and our grandfather had something to do with it. He did grow up in one of the most vile and homophobic times in our history. Was this book an indication of how he would act if I came out? I was now, more than ever, scared to come out as anything but straight.
“I have to say I am truly blown away by this news,” I finally said.
“Yeah me too,” Amy and Stephen said.
“Again, I’m sorry I lied to you guys. This whole process has been daunting. I’ve been wrapping my brain around how I was going to tell you guys and I decided it was better to rip the BAND-AID off now rather than prolong the inevitable. Do you guys have anything you want to know?”
“Yeah, when do you go to the set?” I asked.
“I’m supposed to know more next week. They are letting us get settled first.”
“Are you going to write another book?” Amy asked.
“Probably not. This one took a lot out of me.”
“Can we read it?” I asked.
“Yes, although I don’t feel comfortable with you reading it,” he said to Amy.
“Why not? I can read.”
“I know, honey, but like I said the subject matter is not appropriate.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Mature content unsuitable for children under nine,” I teased.
Amy stuck out her tongue. “I’m eight and a half, that’s close enough.”
“One day, sweetie,” Mom replied.
I had more questions, but I knew better than to ask them. Mom and Stephen brought the pizza over. I was still looking at the book when my brother held out a paper plate with two slices of Hawaiian pizza.
“Thanks.”
“Are you guys glad to be here?” Mom asked.
“It’s nothing like Maine that’s for sure,” Amy said.
“We haven’t really been here long enough to know,” Stephen added.
“So far it seems fine,” I said.
I listened to my family talk about how life would be here while I ate in silence. I wanted to read my father’s book, see what he possibly had to say about the gay community. Considering the lead character was a homophobe I couldn’t imagine it would be a pleasant viewpoint. We never returned to the topic of the book, which was standard in my family, to have an important discussion and only talk about it once.
We left the hotel at seven the next morning and explored our new neighborhood before going home. I spent most of the time while we waited for the moving truck to arrive in my room. I stared at the bare walls and felt like a giant in the emptiness of the room. For years Stephen and I had shared the same living space. For a moment I envisioned the blank walls decorated like they were back in Maine. Stephen’s side of the room was lined with sports trophies and certificates. The walls were littered with Sports Illustrated models wearing next to nothing and his music collection consisted mostly of rap and hip-hop. My side, on the other hand, was decorated with my artwork. Our sides of the room couldn’t have looked any more different.
With this blank canvas however, I was able to imagine a vastly different set up. I’d use the balcony doors as a focal point, to the right is where I’d place my computer desk, and to the left I would set up my art easel. My bed would go along the wall across from the balcony, next to it I’d place my bedside table. The rest of my belongings would fill in the empty spaces.
Downstairs I heard Dad talking to Rich about the personal gym. I wondered if it was always this easy to hear my family, or would our belongings deafen the sound. I just wanted to know I’d have some peace and quiet from time to time. I ventured downstairs.
“Brother!” Jennifer cheered.
I looked up and watched my big sister run toward me, wrapping her arms around me.
“Sister!” I excitedly yelled.
For whatever reason, about five years ago Jennifer and I took to addressing each other as brother and sister, it was our hello and wasn’t something we did with Amy or Stephen.
“I missed you,” Jennifer said.
“I missed you too.”
“Sit, sit. Talk to me.”
We sat on the front stoop, leaving the front door open. Sun beat down on us.
“How have you been?” I asked.
She grumbled and smiled. “Busy. I just took a private duty job working for this elderly woman with dementia. She’s a sweetheart. I take her to her appointments and help out around the house a few days a week.”
“This is on top of your CNA job?”
She laughed. “Yeah, you know I’m a glutton for punishment. I’m probably going to go per diem when school starts back up in the fall, otherwise I don’t know how I’ll do it.”
“Seems like Rich is doing good for himself.”
“Yeah he keeps himself busy too. Apologies in advance if we aren’t around much. With work and school, I’ll barely be able to keep my head on straight. But I hope to see you guys as much as possible this summer.”
“Dad mentioned you may have found work for me?”
“Yes! My friend’s sister works there, she said it’s a chill place. It’s called Joe’s Hamburger Hut.”
“Let me guess, they sell hamburgers?” I asked in a sarcastic tone.
Jennifer snorted, she laughed so hard. “And other stuff.”
“Cool, I’ll check it out.”
“Are you excited to be here?” she inquired.
“I don’t know if excited is the word. It’s definitely different.”
“It grows on you.”
“How long, exactly, did it take for you?” I asked.
“For me, the end of my first semester. For you, en
d of the month. You adapt quicker than you realize. Of course, having Rich here helped. Imagine making the move without any family.”
“It’d be rough.”
“You’ll do alright. I have faith in you.”
“Thanks. Did Dad tell you he wrote a book?”
“Yes, I found out last year. I’ve read it, it’s surprisingly well written. Surprising mostly because it came from our father.”
“True.”
I wanted to tell her then and there about my struggles and how this book terrified me. Ever since last night’s news, I felt the urge to tell a family member. Stephen knew I had an interest in guys but not that I had be waxing and waning over the idea that I was gay rather than bi.
There was a beep at the end of the driveway followed by the bark of a dog. Max barked louder and came running up to us with a huge grin on his face. He went straight for Jen lapping her face while she laughed and petted him. The men moved things into our ‘humble abode’. Mom and Jen set everything up. After the house was set, we relaxed and visited with Frank. My father gave him money for driving and offered him a place to stay for the night, which he refused, before he flew out the next morning.
After Frank left, I brought Rich and Jennifer up to my room, Max trailed close behind us.
I walked over to my closet. “So, Rich. I have a question.”
“What’s up dude?”
“I want to get rid of these doors, think you could help me?”
“Sure thing, anything else?”
“The wire shelves look tacky. Could I get glass shelves put up?”
“Might want to run that one by your pop, glass is pretty expensive.”
“Oh okay,” I said, defeated.
“But we can easily install wooden ones.”
I perked up. “Okay, that’s just as good.”
I winced when he dug his knuckles into my hair. Jennifer stared out over the balcony. My eyes darted to her hand, focusing on her left ring finger. On it was a band with a small diamond, which she spun around. I watched as she took it off and placed it on her right hand where it was prior.
“Are you two engaged?” I whispered with a grin.
Jennifer shot a look at me. Her eyes said keep quite but her mouth spoke of pure joy.
“Yes, but don’t say anything. We’re waiting to tell Mom and Dad.”
“Okay.” I chuckled, ogling over her ring.
“Do you want to help me install the sauna?” Rich asked.
I shrugged my shoulders. “Sure, can you give my sister and I moment though?”
“Sure, thing man, just meet me downstairs when you’re ready.”
My heart beat fast as I joined my sister on the balcony. Warm July air blew in and relaxed my nerves. Jen looked at me, waiting for me to speak.
“I wanted to talk with you about something,” I finally said.
“Alright, I’m all ears.”
I tried to steady my breathing, but it was obvious I wanted to avoid the subject. Ever since my night with Kip, my sexuality had been lingering stronger over my head.
“What’s wrong Kyle?”
My mouth felt dry as I spoke.
“I, ah. You love me no matter what right?”
She smiled. “Yes.”
“Okay, I’m just going to say it, and if you reject me you reject me, and I will live with the consequences. I need tell a family member and you’re the first one I’ve chosen. Stephen basically figured it out, Mom probably knows, and Dad can never find out, not till I’m ready.”
She rubbed my shoulder and offered a warm and welcoming smile. I decided to take the plunge. My voice trembled a little when I built the courage to speak again.
“I’ve been struggling with defining my sexuality the last two years. I go back and forth, first thinking maybe I’m bi, and a few times gay, and to appease Dad straight. Truth is, I don’t know what I am. I think I’m bi because I find both men and women attractive, but I’ve never experienced anything with a guy before and the right guy hasn’t come along for me to try something with. I just don’t want to narrow down my orientation based on thoughts and feelings alone. Is there something wrong with me?”
“No, Brother. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. This is normal. Let me tell you something, I know I’m not much older than you, but I can say without a benefit of doubt being a teenager sucks, and there is no avoiding it.”
“Why is this so hard? Why can’t I just know?”
“To just know means your journey to get there isn’t as special. I know it’s a struggle right now, but you will figure things out, and in the end be glad you suffered through it all. I might not be around much, but you know you can always call and will always have my support. You’re such a wonderfully-talented young man, Kyle. The world won’t know what to do with you when you graduate next year. I can say with confidence that people will remember your name, and a year or two from now you will look back on this day and realize how silly it was that you worried about all of this. I love you no matter what, you know that.”
We hugged and I let out a long drawn out breath.
“Thank you. Please don’t tell anyone, not even Rich.”
“I won’t, it’s not my story to tell. Although I want to be kept informed so I can celebrate your triumphs along the way.”
“Well duh. I’m not just going to make this grand statement and not follow up.”
We hugged again.
“Let’s go see what Rich has to teach me,” I said, putting an end to our conversation.
I found Rich waiting for me by the sauna. He explained what he had done, all he had left was to install the water valve and hook up a few receding lights encircling the room. There was a moment of silence while he finished organizing his tools. I found it hilarious Rich kept such good care of his tools when they were out of the box, but once he was finished with them, they all got thrown in the box in a scrambled pile.
“Are you excited to start school?” Rich asked.
“For the most part.”
“It’s not as bad as you may think. I believe you’ll find the west coast way of living nice. People are tough out here don’t get me wrong. They don’t trust one another like they do in Maine, and some of them don’t understand sarcasm so they think you’re being mean when you’re joking. But there will be far more of an ethnic variety compared to MDI high school. Just get ready for all the culture, which is where it will be different. You’ll enjoy it, just remember while it’s a new environment, high school is high school and no matter where you are the people are pretty much the same.”
“I’m just hoping a new environment will help shed my wallflower exterior and answer a few questions I’ve had lately.”
“It will, you’ll fit right in I can guarantee it. You’re a bright kid, Kyle, don’t let society wear you down to be somebody you aren’t. As for these unanswered questions, just know I am always here to listen.”
I wondered if Rich knew about me. Was he holding out a helping hand-one that I was to blind at the time-to take?
“Okay so come over here,” Rich said, motioning me over to the sauna.
He talked me through everything from disconnecting the water valve to how the sauna operates, and then let me assemble the unit with his help. When everything worked fine, we moved onto the lights. All the holes had been cut out of the hardwood floor, and the hardware was already installed; the only thing left was to connect a few wires and then flip on the power. We continued to talk about California.
Rich told me it would be a piece of cake to find a job. The juice bar down the road was hiring. He said he could put in a good word for me. He told me it was also easier to meet people here too. I should have no problem making friends. Rich even said my artistic abilities would shine in a city like this. I found it much easier to talk and hang with Rich, if only I could have this same kind of a relationship with my father.
The first night in our new place was different. Unlike back home, where the gentlest of breezes cau
sed the house to creak, we didn’t get that here. It was eerily quiet. Most of my belongings were still boxed up and in the corner by the balcony. I had unpacked my art supplies almost immediately, setting up a small artist nook.
My brother surprised me with a copy of Becoming a Man: Half a Life Story by Paul Monnette. Set in the nineteen fifties, the biography followed Paul’s younger years as he came to terms with his sexuality.
“I was going to give this to you on our birthday, but I think you need it now. You have a lot of questions, hopefully this book will answer some of them,” Stephen said to me when he gave me the book.
I was already three chapters in when I decided to put the book down for the night. I stared out the skylight over my bed and could barely make out the stars up in space.
§ § § §
Three days later while we were eating breakfast, Dad got a phone call. I heard him pacing the hallway but couldn’t make out what he was saying. He returned a few minutes later pacing around the kitchen a moment, then said goodbye.
“Who was on the phone?” I asked Dad.
“It was Stan, the casting director. He called to see if I was interested in meeting the writers tomorrow. They’re holding auditions and said if I wanted to, I could sit in on a few. Would you like to join me? Maybe we could go out to lunch after,” Dad said.
I looked at him and pondered the idea. I liked the idea of checking out a film set, given my love for theatre I was certain I would love a film set as well. It was nice he invited me over Stephen, I could tell he was trying. I hoped I wouldn’t regret it, I nodded.
“Sure.”
CHAPTER SIX: HIDING MY HEART
I stood watching the props designer build a section of house for another film. From the looks of things, it appeared the house would end up in a horror film with its high ceilings and dark walls; it had eerie written all over it. I took my focus off the house and looked over to where my father and the director stood talking. The casting director joined. Behind them I saw a line of guys walk into a room.
Playing It Out Straight Page 7