You can do it Kyle. What’s the worst that’ll happen? Go on and ask him, just be casual about it.
“So, are you gay?”
That’s the opposite of casual.
He didn’t answer, didn’t even stir, maybe I shouldn’t have asked.
“Sorry that was uncalled for, I mean you are playing a gay man in a movie, I just figured.”
I heard him chuckle. “Nah its cool, as a matter of fact I am.”
Suddenly I could feel the words coming up, wanting, waiting to overflow and release themselves from my mouth. It was time. I had someone to talk to. My heart pounded a little faster, I started to feel a little more nauseous, and dizzy and then my palms and forehead got all sweaty. I finally built the courage to look at him and stared at his leading man smile. Okay, telling him I feel the same just got a whole lot harder. Damn, why do I have to like you? Why does it complicate things? Lucky for me Scotty didn’t ask the same question back.
“We’re here,” he said pulling into a parking spot.
I looked up and saw the Ferris wheel I’d seen our first night in California all lit up in the distance. The park seemed to be alive with all the rides and lights. We walked around talking. He didn’t continue the conversation we had in the car and my gay comment.
“What’s your favorite color?” Scotty asked.
“Green, like the color of pine needles which ironically is one of my favorite scents.”
“Funny, I love the color lavender yet can’t stand the smell of it.”
There was a long pause.
“What kind of music do you listen to?” Scotty asked.
“I’ll give most anything a shot, but mostly I’m into new age stuff, you?”
“I enjoy rock, folk, and Americana. There’s one artist I follow heavily. Her name is Brandi Carlile, I love her. I’ll have to introduce you to her music sometime.”
“You shall,” I replied.
“Shall? Most teenagers don’t use words like shall anymore.”
“I’m not like most teenagers I guess.”
“No, you aren’t,” he said under his breath. “How about you, who is one of your favorite singers?”
“Don’t laugh, I followed her since she auditioned for American Idol and knew then she would win. I love Kelly Clarkson.”
Scotty nudged my side.
“Get out! I love her. I met her a few times, she’s a total sweetheart.”
“Ah, I’m jealous.” I nervously giggled. “Her music got me through rough times.”
“Brandi Carlile is my girl for that. I was introduced to her music while I was coming out and her lyrics hit home for me. Plus, she’s a lesbian which is awesome. Her and her band mates write everything. The Henseroth twins aren’t too bad on the eyes either.”
“You know I’m a twin right?”
“Oh, nope.”
“Do you have a thing for twins?”
I noticed Scotty blush, but he didn’t answer. We fell back into silence and played a few of the boardwalk games. Eventually we got back into talking and took in the sights and sounds of the Santa Monica pier in mid-afternoon. After a while I decided to change the subject and asked my go to random question.
“Would you rather skydive over an active volcano, or go swimming with piranhas?” I asked.
He laughed. “What kind of question is that?”
“We’ve spent the last hour with the get-to-know you questions,”
“Fair enough. Well what am I wearing if I swam with piranha?”
Nothing.
“Swim shorts, nothing else.”
“I think if I have to choose, I’d go with skydiving, at least if I’m lucky I have a chance to escape with my parachute. With piranha there’s no line of defence. I don’t know, is that a good answer?”
“The beauty is there’s no right or wrong answer.”
He stopped, took hold of my right hand and pulled me toward him. I swung around and met him face to face, his other hand momentarily found my lower back. He looked down and smiled at me then nodded his head to the right.
Kiss me, please don’t let me make the first move. Just end the suspense, get it over with.
As if I missed it the first time—because I had—he nodded his head to the right a second time.
“Hungry?” Scotty asked.
My stomach still felt upset, but I figured having a bite to eat may help. He let go of my hand and walked toward the restaurant.
Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. was packed when we entered but it only took about ten minutes to be seated. He treated me to dinner, and I was starting to get the feeling this was a date. I’ve never been on one, so I didn’t have a reference point to prove such-except what I saw in the movies and the things Stephen told me after his dates. There seemed to be an invisible force moving us through the evening as though the editor of our story had their own idea. This same force kept telling me It’s time Kyle, time to let go and become comfortable with who you are.
It’s so easy to keep that voice at bay.
§ § § §
After dinner he beat out some ‘brats’ as he liked to call them and won a giant teddy bear.
“Here you can have it. I have plenty of these at home.”
I took the bear and wedged it under my arm.
“That girl Tessa at the cast meet seemed to have her eye on you,” Scotty said.
My stomach churned when a shiver ran down my back. “Yeah,” I grumbled.
“Are you gonna make a move?”
“I don’t know yet,” I said, kicking a stone on the ground.
“I saw you two talking today after the meeting.”
“Yeah, we exchanged numbers. I knew it would make my dad happy.”
“Oh?” Scotty questioned.
“Yeah… I… can’t stand him… Sometimes,” I said through chattering teeth.
“You cold?”
I looked over and saw him remove his sweatshirt handing it to me.
“No that’s okay. I get cold easily when I’m tired.” I lied, faking a yawn.
“Do you want to go?” Scotty asked.
I watched him slip his sweatshirt over his head and saw his shirt rise and got a sneak peak of his lower stomach, suddenly I felt nauseous again. I turned away and kept walking.
“Hey wait up!” Scotty said running toward me.
I stopped and faced him, hugging the bear at this point, and let him crash into me.
“Would you like to go on the Ferris wheel with me?” I asked.
“How romantic,” he teased.
“Is that a yes?”
“Here we call it the Pacific Wheel.”
“Whatever, is that a yes?” I asked.
Scotty nodded. I turned back and walked away, he followed. We reached the line and stood patiently for our turn. A few wordless minutes later we were up.
“I’m sorry sir. I’m going to have to take the bear,” the carny said.
I sighed. So much for staying warm. I handed over my heater and took a seat on the bench.
Scotty sat next to me. Slowly the giant wheel began to turn. We sat in silence. I listened in on lovers as they talked to each other and felt a little jealous of what they had. We made three rotations before I started to feel cold and unwell again. We reached the top of the fourth revolution and stopped. Our cart slowly rocking up. I looked out over the park and the ocean and had to admit it was romantic. The sun was almost consumed by the horizon and the smog painted the sky in shades of hot pinks and festive oranges, with periwinkle and navy blue behind us.
“Sorry we are having technical issues. We will do our best to solve the problem as soon as possible,” a voice echoed through the speaker.
“My God,” I groaned as my stomach churned.
“You okay?” Scotty asked, putting his hand on my shoulder.
“No. I feel like I’m going to get sick.”
“Was it something you ate at the restaurant?”
“I don’t know. I felt off earlier and ignored it. Now I f
eel chilly and might get sick.”
“Are you sure you don’t want my sweatshirt?”
“Y-yeah I’m sure.” I chattered.
Suddenly the cart rocked.
“Yes,” I said to myself, feeling a bit relieved that we would be moving again.
I felt awkward being stuck here next to Scotty. Not awkward per se, but my entire perspective had changed now that I knew he was gay. Yet now that I know he’s gay, I’m even more nervous to tell him I think I am too. Or am I more scared to confess I’m starting to like him? My stomach churned and I swallowed hard.
“Look at you, you’re shivering. Come here,” Scotty said, holding out an arm.
“I’m fine.”
Why are you doing this? Always pushing someone away when they get to close.
I looked over at Scotty, he was turned toward me with his arms crossed and one knee on the bench between us. His eyes were closed, and he looked beautiful in the molten orange sunset. I sighed and slid over and saw his eyes open. I hesitated, not knowing what to do. We looked at each other for a second before he adjusted and turned toward me some more. Scotty uncrossed his arms letting them fall to his sides and extending his leg behind me.
He looked so inviting with the right corner of his mouth curling up. Sunlight made his eyes look like two embers in the bottom of a fire. I scooted closer toward him, turned away, and slid between his legs, lying against his chest. Instantly I felt cosy. I closed my eyes and felt his arms wrap around me.
For the first time in, well ever, I was safely in the arms of another man.
CHAPTER SEVEN: SHADOW ON THE WALL
“Shit dude you’re burning up! No wonder you feel cold.”
Scotty brushed his cold hand over my balmy forehead. I reached down, put my hand next to his and brushed my fingertips across his hand. My stomach churned again, this time something inside of me was trying to escape. I turned to the side and threw up all over the floor of our cart and some got on Scotty’s shoe.
Smooth Kyle.
“Oh my God, I’m so sorry,” I said, coughing.
“I don’t care I needed new shoes anyway. feel better?”
“A little.”
I felt so comfortable in his arms, I was glad I had done it, and was glad we were stuck up here. Thankful to have this moment with Scotty. Now I didn’t want us to leave. I felt Scotty rubbing my hand, and I once again wanted to kiss him. Then something churned inside, reminding me of how not-first kiss-this moment was as I turned over and threw up again, this time missing his shoe. I moaned and pulled Scotty’s arm tight around me.
“I think I’m going to die. I really am sorry for barfing on your shoe.”
Scotty brushed some damp hair off my forehead and chuckled. “I don’t care.”
I felt what I wished were his lips touch the top of my head, but really it was his fingers. The moment made me want to come out. Suddenly, our cart jolted the urge out of me as the ride came back to life. Fear still seemed to rule my decision to proclaim my orientation. I looked over the edge and saw the ground fast approaching. I continued to lean against Scotty until we came to a stop at the bottom. The swaying cart upset my stomach. The carny glared at us, either the last of the days sun was in his eyes or at the sight of my vomit.
“Everything okay?” he asked.
I began to get up and relaxed back, feeling weak. I tried again and Scotty followed my lead, wrapping his arm around my waist for support. I leaned against him and stepped off the cart and shuffled forward with no destination in mind.
“Hey wait up, your bear.”
Scotty reached out and grabbed the bear while I kept walking. I made it five steps before my face met the inside of a trash can. I wiped my mouth clean before turning to face him. We stared at each other for a few seconds before I pulled Scotty in and hugged him, letting my face nestle up against his chest. I knew it was probably strange. But it was so comfortable last time. I breathed in and savored his scent. Soon the bitter harsh aroma of his puke encrusted shoe dispersed in the air. It made me want to vomit again, but I held it down.
§ § § §
We reached his car and he opened the door, helping me in.
“Sorry in advance if I barf in your car.”
“It’s cool, I’m planning to get it reupholstered.”
Out of nowhere his hand was on my shoulder.
“Sorry,” he said, moving his hand to the door frame.
Nooo move it back, I wanted to yell.
He kicked off his shoes and threw them in a shopping bag, then slipped on a pair of boat shoes. Scotty had the calmest presence, that alone made me want to hug him again. I jumped when his fingertips brushed my shoulder. All I wanted to do was take his hand, pull him onto my lap, and kiss him. Are these symptoms all teenagers my age experience? I hoped my brother was going through the same issues with girls, wondering when the right time was to make a move.
“Feeling better?” Scotty asked resting the back of his hand to my forehead.
“Yeah.”
I couldn’t believe he was being so polite about all of this.
The moment he left my side, I was lost until he sat next to me again. He started the car, revved the engine and exited the parking lot. Although I felt sick, I wanted to continue hanging out with Scotty. I clenched my stomach as it churned again and curled up into a ball, leaning against the door. The breeze helped my stomach.
“So where am I taking you?”
“Right down the road actually, I live off of Ocean Ave, down near Paradise Park.”
Scotty chuckled. “You mean Palisades Park?”
“Yeah, off Oak something.”
“Oh, Oakwood Ave?”
“Yeah, how’d you know?”
“My friend from like fifth grade lived two streets down. Haven’t been in a while so you may have to direct me.”
“You got it,” I replied, continuing to look from Scotty, to the city that whizzed by behind him.
“Santa Monica’s nice isn’t it?” Scotty asked after a few mesmerizing seconds went by.
“Yeah. Way different from where I grew up. Where do you live?”
“Right now, a studio in West Hollywood, but I’m supposed to be moving soon.”
Noooooo! I screamed on the inside.
“When are you moving?”
“I don’t know, it was supposed to be two months ago but the house I wanted was sold to another buyer. I mean I have a sizable down payment to work with. I’m thankful to be able to at my age, most nineteen-year olds can’t afford such luxuries. I’m hoping this time next month to close on a place near Long Beach.”
YES!
“And here I thought I’d never see you again,” I joked.
“Can’t get rid of me that easy,” Scotty said behind a wink.
I wouldn’t dare try, I thought.
We turned off Ocean Ave and Scotty coasted to a stop outside my place and killed the engine. At the same time, we both leaned back and turned to face one another. I wanted to reach out and hold his hand again. Instead, I wrapped my arms tighter around my stomach and swallowed. Tasting bile in the back of my throat made me cringe.
“You okay?” he asked.
“Yeah.”
I wanted to ask him to come in, hang out. I wanted him to come up to my room and lay next to me and talk into the night. But I couldn’t bring myself to ask even if I hadn’t just ralphed on his shoes thirty minutes prior. I could only imagine what my parents would think if I brought Scotty home and we went right to my room. I stared into the side view mirror, in the corner I saw Scotty, still looking my way. Objects in mirror are closer than they appear, it said along the bottom. I looked back at Scotty’s reflection. I could reach out and touch him without it being weird. Instead I opened the door.
“Let me help,” Scotty said.
“I’ll be okay.”
I got out and nearly stumbled forward. Scotty—who was already out of the car and at my side—caught me in time and leaned me against the Jeep, his hand
on my chest. Once again that annoying thrill to kiss him returned. Annoying because I knew I wouldn’t do it even if I could get away with it. Nevertheless my lips tingled over the thought of my lips touching his, before my stomach decided it was time to throw up again. Thankfully, I missed his shoes.
“You still feel pretty hot.”
He moved his hand from my forehead to cheek. I looked up into his eyes. My breathing intensified the longer he held his hand to my face. Then his hand moved to my shoulder and I watched as he leaned against me and reached in the back seat. I loved the pressure of his body against mine and knew later tonight I’d long for it. I wondered if he felt the same or if he was immune to the “’lil’ crush” jitters.
Suddenly the bear was placed between the two of us.
“Don’t want to forget this now do we.”
I’ll never forget this.
He had the same look in his eyes I’m sure I had, the look of wanting. For me it was wanting to make my fantasy become reality. Finally know what the hype was all about surrounding the first gay kiss. I realized, that since moving here I had changed. I kept less to myself and was slowly, very slowly, coming out of my shell. Sadly, courage ruled overall, and it was courage that would allow me to kiss Scotty. I walked away, letting go of the idea. He followed.
“I had fun,” he eagerly said, running up to my side.
“I did too, even though I got sick.”
I stepped up onto the stoop and turned and faced him. He adjusted his footing and looked up at me, smiling. I bit my lower lip.
“Well I guess I’ll see you later?” I asked.
“Yeah sure, maybe we can go see a movie or something when you’re feeling better.”
I’m feeling better!
“I’d like that,” I said.
Scotty smiled wider, and I heard his sigh of relief. I didn’t want to say good-bye. I didn’t want to leave Scotty. I wasn’t quite sure what it was, but something was dragging me down this path in life. I was pretty sure I had my answer, pretty sure I always knew, and was sure the reason I hadn’t come out as gay yet was because of fear not love. I was terrified beyond belief of what my family would say when I did finally come out as gay.
Playing It Out Straight Page 10