“Anyway, from one CD lover to another, I made you a mix CD,” Scotty said.
He pulled the CD out from the front pocket of his hoodie. Nearly dropping it, Scotty handed it to me. I stared down at his scribbled writing.
Song’s for Kyle: Brandi Carlile-Follow, Yeah Yeah Yeahs-Maps, Brandi Carlile-Late Morning Lullaby, The Cranberries-Dreams, Brandi Carlile-Closer to You, a-Ha- Take on Me, Brandi Carlile-Shadow on the Wall, Kelly Clarkson-Some Kind of Miracle, Brandi Carlile-The Story, Train-Drops of Jupiter, Brandi Carlile-If There was no You, Kelly Clarkson-Addicted, Brandi Carlile- Dying Day
“A-ha?”
“Good band. Great song. Killer music video.”
“Lots of Brandi,” I said matter-of-factly.
He chuckled the heavenly tone I couldn’t get enough of.
“I told you I love her music. It was hard to pick just five songs.”
“You mean seven?”
“Yeah, I may have to give you all her music sometime. I wasn’t sure which songs to do for Kelly, figured I’d go with a few throwbacks from her first two albums.”
“Thank you, I’ll give it a listen later.”
I stood letting the blanket fall open like a cape around me and allowed him to step up to me. I gave him a strong hug and felt him rub my back. His skin smelled like lemons, he always smelled of lemons and sweat, and the scent was addicting. Before I did something, I may later tell myself I regretted—like kissed him—I rested my head on his shoulder, he did the same. It was last night all over again. Kiss him Kyle, no one would know. He looked down and for a millisecond. Scotty leaned in like he considered a kiss before he changed his mind.
“Bye,” he said.
“Bye.”
I finally had my chance to say something; anything and admit to myself what I already knew. If I were lucky and living in a fantasy world, I’d get to kiss him. Instead life got in the way and derailed my plans, yet again. I ventured into the kitchen—completely oblivious to the fact that Stephen was standing in the foyer—and got a glass of water. I returned to the living room ready to clear my mind with movies when I noticed Stephen leaning against the door frame smiling at me.
“What?” I snapped.
“I saw you two hugging, I even said hey guys what’s up, and neither of you heard me.” He faked an ‘aww’ face and sniffled his nose. “You two are just so cute together.”
“Shut your face!” I blushed.
“I’m just trying to make ya comfortable with things. In my book nothing has changed, you don’t need to come out to me Kyle, you already have my acceptance. What’s that?”
“A CD Scotty made for me.”
Stephen pouted at me and then grinned. “Now that’s adorable, he made you a mixed tape.”
“CD.”
“Whatever, same dorky gesture.”
“Shut up.” I laughed.
“Just don’t choke like you did with Kip.”
We both tried not to laugh.
“Screw you.” I stopped laughing and lightly punched Stephen in shoulder and said, “Join me for a movie and leave well enough alone.”
Stephen threw in Mission Impossible and I sat curled up on the love seat, about an hour later I heard the door open and Max ran down the hall. Dad walked by the living room and into the kitchen, setting the brown grocery bags on the counter. He looked up at me.
“Hey, when did Scotty leave?” Dad asked.
“A few minutes ago.” I lied, joining Dad in the kitchen.
“He’s a good guy,” he said.
“Yeah, I like him,” I replied. I really like him.
“Why did he stop in?”
“He was checking in on me, making sure I was feeling better.”
“That was nice of him.”
“So, you like him, and wouldn’t mind him being around more often?” I asked, treading lightly.
“Yes. He could be a good friend, and a connection in Hollywood if you decided to get into scenic design.”
My dad had a point there. I looked up and saw him smile at me before he started prepping things for dinner.
“Would you mind if I invited him over for dinner sometime?”
I was leery of his answer. He had a way of developing a good front. Telling you he was on your side, then cut you down when it was time to give you what you wanted. He was cutting the onions; his eyes slightly watered, when he decided to speak again.
“When were you thinking?”
“Not sure, he said something earlier about having some time off in a few weeks. Maybe then?”
“Remind me when the time comes.”
I bounced up onto my feet. “Thanks, Dad.”
“Sure. I feel like I haven’t seen you in a while, how is your new job going?”
“I’m fitting right in.”
“Any cute girls working there?”
“A few.”
I’d been at my summer job for nearly a week now and had gotten used to the quirky people I worked with. Even if I didn’t want to be with any of them, I wasn’t blind to the fact that a few were cute.
“What are their names?”
“You know I’m bad with names. There’s a few who are cute. The redhead is a feisty thing. I’m talking real red like you’d see on a fire truck. She’s fun to be around but she’s a tad bit crazy. Which is probably why she stays in the kitchen. Great cook, terrible customer service.”
Dad chuckled; I wasn’t sure where this wit had come from. I continued the second act of my —by now— well-orchestrated monologue. I knew eventually I’d have to face my demons. Eventually. I wasn’t ready, not yet, at least my dad was showing interest in my life even if some of it was a lie. Plus, I was just starting to get comfortable within myself.
“There’s a waitress who works mid-shifts, she’s nice to me but I haven’t made a move yet.”
I had been admiring this girl from afar for reasons unknown, until now. I needed an ally, aside from my brother.
“She’s curvy,” I said, feeling it was a straight thing to say.
“Nothing wrong there.”
“Plus, she acts like an East Coaster which is nice.”
“Good to hear son. Care to help me with dinner?”
“I’ll pass.”
He chuckled. “That’s what I thought.”
I left my dad to finish dinner and went upstairs to listen to the CD Scotty made for me. It wasn’t until I took the CD out of its case that I noticed Scotty had doodled on the top. He was right, Brandi Carlile was amazing. I was hooked instantly. His song choices also confused me even more, to me it seemed as though he was confessing his feelings for me. Being the coward am I, I probably would never come out and ask him. I curled up with the bear he won for me and thought back to our conversation.
First boy met boy, then boy threw up all over other boy’s shoes, and then the very boy who stupidly puked admitted to the other boy his deepest secret, sorta. Then the other boy had to leave, and the conversation never happened.
Is this how everyone’s coming out story starts?
I wanted to text Scotty but knew he needed his space to be with his father in the hospital, so instead I listened to his music and held the teddy bear.
§ § § §
Several weeks went by and Scotty didn’t return any phone calls or emails. He’d become too busy with my father’s movie and had probably forgotten all about me. Things were changing in me too. As though some great hole had opened and my secret was about to come pouring out like sand through an hourglass. It seemed time was ticking away, until eventually I would be forced to come out. I still felt like I needed a third party—unbiased—not my crush, person to talk to. But who?
§ § § §
I started working every day for two weeks straight. Business was booming at the start of August. Every day I thought back to the conversation I had with Rich our first day here. Back to a time not so long ago, which now seemed like an eternity, back to a time before Scotty. Rich told me California was about to break my w
all-flower shyness. I wanted to believe him, but we’d been here a month and I hadn’t met anyone else I would call a friend. I mean aside from Scotty. I liked the people I worked with, and while the two of us never hung out outside of work, I was particularly drawn to one of them.
Her name was Emilie Meyer.
She was the hostess who became a waitress after I was hired. Emilie had a curvaceous figure and spunky personality. She looked older than her age, easily passing for nineteen or twenty, despite being on the cusp of seventeen. She was wicked smart and had started talking to me during the slow periods. Most of the people we worked with were in their mid-twenties and on summer break from college or had never left after high school graduation. Emilie was a beautiful girl. I was taken aback by her dark ginger mid-back length hair and emerald green eyes.
She was something else, and she would soon become my best friend.
§ § § §
“Hey daydreamer,” Emilie said.
I looked up from my gaze at a guy I wished was Scotty and stared at Emilie; she was leaning against the host stand. I couldn’t help but look down at her chest. She was wearing a lightweight white polo; the top two buttons were undone revealing the start to her bra and breasts. Somehow, she wore it in a classy way.
“Eye’s up here buddy,” she said snapping her fingers.
I looked up at her and smiled. “Sorry.”
“I’m only teasing.” She laughed. “What I wear is within dress code, and I get decent tips from the guys our age, so I can’t complain. You’ll come to learn, should we become friends, that how I am in work is very different from how I am outside of work. It’s sad to say, but dressing in this getup gets me better tips, but who would you rather have as your waitress me, or Bella.”
“The redhead in the kitchen?” She nodded. “You. She seems nice but the nose ring and ten piercings in each ear make her look menacing.”
She laughed. “She’s nice but I see what you mean.”
I looked back toward the Scotty look-a-like who was nothing like Scotty. She scooted behind me and tried to match my gaze.
“Who are you looking at?” she inquired.
“No one.”
I watched her glare and roll her eyes. I didn’t know Emilie well, but I felt very comfortable around her, too comfortable. Her East Coast vibe meets California girl look suited her. There were days when it rained, and she’d arrive to work in mid-thigh cut off jean shorts and one of her fathers oversized flannels. On sunny days however, she was known for sporting a polo or t-shirts from Victoria’s Secret with the word Love or Pink written across the chest in pink or silver. She was a stranger to me, still I needed someone to talk to. I really thought if I didn’t, I was going to rip apart at the seams.
“Nice ring,” I nonchalantly commented.
She withdrew her hands back and twisted the ring around her finger. She took a step toward me and I felt her lightly press against me as she became determined to see who I was checking out. It all felt awkward, not… normal the way it felt with Scotty and Kip. Butterflies had done the impossible, they disappeared back into their cocoons.
“Thanks, I like yours too.”
I saw Scotty’s smile hidden behind another man’s face. No longer did I see the stranger who I sat an hour earlier but the remnants of a man I wanted to be with. I hadn’t seen Scotty since the day he was in my living room and feared I never would again. The stranger at the table looked back at me. This time, my heart picked up a little for him. The image of Scotty was wiped away as he stood and headed my direction to leave. Perhaps in due time I’ll get over Scotty.
“Have a good day.” he said, smiling as he passed.
“You, too.”
I turned and watched him walk away and then faced Emilie. She stepped closer to me, placed one hand on the host stand.
“Dude he was totally checking you out, so funny.”
I looked at her confused. “Really?”
“Yup.”
“Ah,” I wavered, looking over at one of Emilie’s tables. “Looks like they’re ready for the check.”
It seemed Emilie was testing our boundaries and coming on to me. Was I obvious? Did I come across as the naïve seventeen-year-old who didn’t know if he was gay or not? I wondered if she knew about me as I watched her eye me up and down with a sceptical look. She raised an eyebrow, grinned and walked away. Uneasiness drained from me. Water crashed on the beach, and families and couples happily went about their lives. I inhaled some of the salty air and got lost in the oceanic view.
§ § § §
That night our boss, Joe, asked me to close. While he was in the back office dealing with the financial side of things, I cleaned the front of house, Emilie stayed behind to help.
She cleared the tables and washed them down, while I locked doors. After our interaction earlier, I was doing my best to stay distracted. A part of me found Emilie to be attractive. This had to mean I was bisexual right? Perhaps rather than focusing on trying something with a guy, I should experiment more with girls. I stared into our reflection and noticed Emilie was sitting on a table. I watched her as she slid her apron off. Inside I chuckled, this was probably one of my brother’s fantasies to have a beautiful young woman in his presence, for me however, the only thought to cross my mind was if I tried something with Emilie, would that help solve the mystery? Curiosity compelled me to turn around. Then a whole new batch of emotions took over.
I thought checking out a guy was awkward, now I felt weird for looking at a girl and focusing on, yet again her breasts. With the apron gone, they relaxed and fell forward. I shook my head, grabbed the broom, and started sweeping. This had to be the weirdest summer ever, or maybe it’s the summer I’ve been waiting for all along. Maybe this was it, and the answers were finally going to be revealed.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw Emilie looking at me. I finished sweeping half the room when I stopped and looked at her. She was grinning as she watched me.
“What?” I asked.
“You sure seem different than most kids around here,” she said, adding napkins into the dispensers.
“Different?”
“Are you an artist or something? Act in theatre, build the sets? What’s your secret?”
I put my hand at the top of the broom using it as support and gushed over how her body looked in the low-lit room.
“Secrets? I have no secrets,” I said a little too fast. I was playing it cool, playing it out straight. “I’m an artist. Mostly charcoal and pastels, but I’ll give any medium a chance.”
Emilie leaned forward and the lights above made her look innocent. She looked up at the precise moment her hair fell around her face. Suddenly she looked seductive. A funny tingle, like the one I experienced when I first met Scotty resided in my heart and spread to my brain. Only it didn’t travel to the downstairs’ areas like my groin and stomach as it did with Scotty. Still I had to admit she was attractive.
Okay Kyle, why are you so captivated by this girl?
Different scenarios ran through my head. First off, we weren’t alone Joe was down the hall working in his office. Based on our interactions the last few days I figured she liked me or at least was attracted to me. But are you into her? I tried to think about doing something with her, kissing her, running my fingers through her hair, or cupping my hand to her cheek; you know the fantasies running through the heads of countless straight boys out there. For some reason none of those things turned me on.
Regardless, thinking about it solved nothing, I had to act on it. What harm was there in trying? It’s not like we had to have sex. We didn’t have to remove any articles of clothing. I didn’t have to fidget with her bra hooks like a nervous virgin or remove her underwear like the garter on a man’s wedding night. I tried to find something about her that turned me on. I found nothing. Just an unadulterated-never-experienced-set of emotions with no explanation. Maybe she just wasn’t my type. For a split-second Scotty crossed my mind. I was almost done sweeping when Emili
e spoke up again.
“You’re cute, quiet, but the quiet ones are usually intelligent.”
I blushed. “Thanks. My mom said I never shut up as a kid. You’re pretty by the way.”
“Thank you.”
Emilie’s grin caused my heart to race a little.
I pushed everything aside—Scotty—and listened to my father and my raging teenage hormones. Hormones? Was I really relying on them for what I was about to do? I shifted my weight, leaned the broom against the chair in front of me and stepped over it. Slowly I walked up to Emilie. She slid off the table and took a step toward me. I looked at her face, focusing first on her lips. They were plump and full. I watched as she rubbed them together, which caught my attention even more. I noticed now she was wearing lip stick, or maybe it was lip gloss, whatever it was it made her lips… Pop! She smacked them together making a popping sound; we looked at each other and laughed.
I could tell it was a nervous laugh, from the both of us. One that said, ‘do we really want to do this?’ My heart started to pick up again, I wasn’t sure why. I also wasn’t sure why I took another step toward her, but I did. It was like I had no control over my body. I got excited by the unknown; like I did with Scotty, only the scenarios were different. After all it was a different person, Emilie was Emilie. However, Scotty was everything… focus!
I watched Emilie close the gap between us a little more. I reached out and touched her hand. It was soft, like silk, nothing like Scotty’s. Damn it, Kyle, focus! I turned it over in my own and reached for her other hand. They were smaller than mine. I took a small step toward Emilie officially closing the gap, our stomachs touching. Once again, my heart picked up, and I finally realized why my heart sped up every time I tried to make a move. I was scared out of my mind. Is this really what I want? I didn’t want to hurt Emilie just so I could explore my sexuality.
Emilie let go of my hands and ran hers up my arms and behind my neck. Her touch caused me to shiver. I bit my lower lip and wrapped my arms around her. Our bodies pressed against each other as we hugged. It felt… interesting. I was about to say we shouldn’t do this, not with our boss right down the hall but when her hands moved down my back, I forgot all about that bit of information and kissed her.
Playing It Out Straight Page 12