“Sounds like a plan I’ll meet you there.”
Snow started to fall when I reached Cottage Street. Kip was waiting outside when I arrived. Snow coated his hair. He still took my breath away, only this time it didn’t come with the urge to want to kiss him. We hugged and he opened the door for me.
“Thank you.”
“No problem. How does it feel to be back on the island?”
“Strange. I was walking around earlier and saw a few businesses had closed.”
“Yeah this town seems to change every five years.”
“You’re telling me. I don’t know, I adjusted to California so quickly, that I don’t know, I just don’t feel like I fit in here anymore.”
I reached for my wallet when Kip stopped me.
“My treat. Want to split a pizza?”
“Sure, you pick, I’ll get us a seat.”
I ventured to the back of the restaurant and placed my coat on a table then went for the pinball machines. Lights blinked, and the theme song to The Addams Family played and suddenly I was a kid again. I didn’t even know Kip was at my side until he cleared his throat.
“Damn you’re good.”
“I played a lot as a kid. So, it’s been what a month since we last chatted, how’s life?”
“Pretty damn good. As I told you back in September, I tore my Achilles during one of our football games.”
“Yeah, you were pretty depressed about it.”
“At first I was but I realized it was a blessing in disguise. It shot my entire football season, and basketball too. My dad wasn’t happy, but I don’t really care. Now I no longer feel like I’m defined by the sports I play.”
“I’m glad to hear it’s all worked out for you. Damn it!” I grumbled when I lost my last ball and the game was over.
“Cadillac with extra cheese for Kip!” one of the employees hollered.
Kip motioned for her. We sat down and started in on our pizza.
“So, now that you aren’t focused on sports what are you doing with your free time?”
He chuckled. “Ready for this? I’m auditioning for the spring musical.”
I perked up. “That’s awesome, what are they doing this year?”
“RENT.”
“One of my favorites. Which role are you going to try out for?”
“I was thinking Mimi.”
I nearly choked on my pizza and started coughing. Kip laughed at me.
“I see you more as a Mark or Roger.”
“Not Angel?”
I laughed. “Well I never pictured you in a leather mini skirt, but that’s your prerogative.”
“I’m auditioning for Roger.”
“I hope you get in!”
“Thank you. How are things with you and Scotty?”
“We’re great. My father has put a damper on things.”
“He’s still banned from the house?”
“Yeah. I haven’t even told Scotty this, but I’ve been thinking more and more about coming out to my parents. I’m pretty sure my mom knows, so does my dad he’s just in denial.”
“My dad is still in denial since I came out. Made losing my spot on the sports team more difficult for him but he’s coming around.”
“How was it to come out?”
“Terrifying and exhilarating at the same time. You got this, Kyle. You’re one of the strongest people I know. I envy your perseverance to be the best you, you can be. Scotty is lucky to have met you, you’ve got so much to offer him and the world.”
I blushed. “Thank you.”
We each took another slice and let one conversation roll into the next.
§ § § §
Two days after I returned from Maine, Scotty was cast in a new project; this one was a pilot for a new TV series recently picked up by Fox. The pilot was shooting in Vancouver, sadly this meant we wouldn’t see each other for New Year’s. After that I didn’t hear from Scotty for two weeks.
This whole thing about him being banned from seeing me—on top of his acting career—was driving us apart. Rather than dwell on the past, I decided to focus my attention on homework. Christmas vacation was over with, and I was loaded with new homework assignments. I sat down at my computer desk and closed my laptop. I didn’t need the distraction of a new message to get in the way.
I opened my desk drawer for a pencil when I saw the key Scotty gave me. I started to rotate the key in my hand and rubbed my thumb against the sharp ridges. It kept my mind on the task at hand. I slipped on my headphones and listened to the CD Scotty gave me. Working mostly off memory, I got lost in time shading a small white pot which held an orchid I started in class. I kept the key in my hand the entire time, rotating it every so often. The key was like a double-edged sword. Each rotation leaving me both immensely calm and grateful, then the next rotation brought on depression and longing.
When the CD ended, I decided to turn in for the night. Quickly, I showered and upon entering my room, heard my phone vibrate against my bedside table. I discovered I had two missed calls. Immediately I went straight to my voicemail. I entered my password then listened to the female computer voice inform me what I already knew.
“You have two new voice messages, first voice message.” I heard Scotty’s voice come up next. “Hey baby, I’m so sorry I haven’t gotten back to you lately. I just got signed to a five-episode contract with this television show and have been filming what feels like non-stop for the last two weeks. I should be done filming in another two weeks and then will get some time off. I wish you could be on set, you’d love it! I love you and miss you, muah.” I heard him chuckle, it made me smile. “Bye.” The animated voice started again. “To save this message press seven, to hear it again—” I cut her off and pressed the seven key. “This message will be saved for, twenty-days. Next message.” “Hi love, you must be asleep. I’m heading to bed I have to get up early tomorrow, barf. I just wanted to wish you a goodnight. I’ll be done shooting early tomorrow, let’s talk then. Again, I love you.”
I began to feel warm and tingly inside, I smiled and listened to his message again. After the tenth listen, I quickly sent him a good night text. I yawned and turned to my side, grabbing the teddy bear he won for me and held it close. I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep.
§ § § §
Between classes I checked my emails, Scotty had promised he would start writing me more, but he hadn’t. I was starting to see how annoying it was to date an actor. Then on my way to gym I finally heard from him. Hey baby, I love you. Call me tonight I have a surprise for you. I quickly replied. Okay, love you too. I pocketed my phone and turned down the hall toward the gymnasium.
I’d almost made it an entire day without running into Shane; it wasn’t until gym class when we faced off again. Coach Goldman split the class up for a game of five on five, with a rotation of two. Being one of the tallest kids on my team I was put in as center to tip the ball, I looked across to see Shane standing in front of me. We stared at each other. I slouched down, and Shane followed.
“I bet this is your favorite position,” Shane said.
He fake-advanced toward me as the ball was lowered between us. I stood tall and bent forward.
“No, I like to be on top,” I replied with a wink.
Coach Goldman blew his whistle and my teammates snickered. Shane slouched lower; he was now eye level with me. I took my eyes off him and looked at the ball. I watched as it was lowered and then shot into the air. Next thing I knew I opened my eyes and looked up at my teammates. My chest and lower stomach killed, but I didn’t know why. Coach walked over and held out his hand.
“You okay, McKinley?”
“Yeah, I’m fine.”
I ignored Shane’s cunning laugh and walked toward the free-throw line. The game got underway, and as usual Shane was even more aggressive after the scuffle. We were chosen to block each other. After a few deliberate elbows to the ribs I sat out the remainder of the game. In the locker room I headed straight for my locker
and got my things. I rounded the corner on my way toward the exit when I saw Shane and his cronies.
“What up, McKinley?” Shane asked.
Oh my God, he’s talking to me.
“Nothing,” I mumbled.
“Your shoe is untied.”
I knew better than to look. Knowing him, he’d punch me if I did.
“No, it’s not.”
I kept walking; just as I passed him, he stuck his foot out and tripped me.
“Told you,” he said, spitting on the floor beside my face. “Dirty faggot,” he quietly mumbled before he kicked me in the back. He and his buddies laughed, stepped over me, and walked out.
§ § § §
With Scotty gone, I felt like I was drifting through life again.
The day when I would finally got to see Scotty again lingered in the nebulous future. The only communication we had recently was the phone tag we played. His most recent message revealed his shooting time would be extended another week, two at most. I was beginning to think we weren’t going to work out. We hadn’t seen each other since my so-called father kicked him out. Naturally, that made me want to see Scotty even more, if only he were in the area.
I’d spent the majority of the past two weeks hiding out in my room. If I wasn’t there, I was either at school or downstairs eating. I didn’t look at my father anymore. His words, Maybe I don’t love you, still played on repeat. He tried to talk to me, but his empty apologies went unheard. If he orchestrated an elaborate, heartfelt speech I probably would’ve listened. All I heard were his words, Maybe I don’t love you. I turned them into art, repeating them over and over on parchment, only to cover them up with flowers, animals, cars, anything to make them go away. He looked at me differently now, like our awkward lapses of silence were affecting him in ways I didn’t realize.
I laid down on my bed, slipped earbuds in, and turned volume on the iPod I was reluctant to use down to its lowest level. I began to think about Scotty, and our relationship, and whether it was even worth having anymore. If he was this busy now, who’s to know how busy he’d be once his career really took off. I focused on my music and the stars that were visible through the skylight. I heard something that didn’t fit to the music; it sounded like something small and hard-hitting glass. I ignored it and continued to listen to my music. Slowly, my body relaxed.
Tap click thud. My eyes shot open when I heard the sound again. Possibly a pebble hitting a window and dropping onto a hard surface. Tap click thud. I sat up and pulled the ear buds out of my ears. Tap click thud.
“What the heck?” I looked at the balcony doors.
I walked toward them and threw the curtains open. Scotty leaned against the railing. He was holding some wildflowers in his right hand. In his left there was a small pebble. To his side was a small pile of pebbles on the balcony wall. My heart picked up and I fought the urge to cheer for joy. I opened the doors, gawked at him with a dumbstruck look on my dopey face and smiled.
“It’s about time.” Scotty quietly said.
“I thought you weren’t due back for another week?”
“I lied. I wanted to surprise you.”
“Awe that’s adorable,” I heard Stephen say.
I took a step onto the balcony and looked over toward Stephen’s room. “Shut up,” I snapped.
“Oh, I’m not done, I will strike again. Mark my words I will strike again,” he said before he walked back inside.
Scotty laughed. “What was that all about?”
“I love to embarrass him in front of girls he likes, he’s getting his revenge.”
Scotty pushed himself off the wall and held out the flowers.
“I know you don’t like roses.” Scotty flashed his crooked grin.
“No, I don’t. Remind me again why are we still talking and not kissing?”
Scotty winked at me and closed the gap between us. His body pressed into mine and I felt myself get turned on. He guided my lips in the direction of his and took my breath away with a kiss. Scotty handed me the bouquet of flowers and I set them on my computer desk, not taking my eyes off him. I happily let him pull me close. I stood up on my toes and kissed him. Scotty leaned against me, I rested my head on his shoulder, and he hugged me tight.
“I missed you,” I said.
“I missed you more.”
“Don’t leave me.”
He leaned back and looked at me, lifting my chin.
“I never left. I’ve always been here,” Scotty said tapping his hand over my heart.
He kissed me. I walked him to the foot of my bed. My heart pounded with each step I took. Downstairs my father watched some game or detective show with Mom. And here I had a guy in my room, on my bed, staring at me, tempting me to kiss him again. Naturally, I should lock my door, yet my hormones gravitated me to Scotty. He slid back and laid his head on my pillows. I climbed up his body and straddled him, letting my butt grind against his crotch while I rubbed my hand under his shirt and savored the squint in his eyes.
“I didn’t come here to have sex.”
“I know, I just missed doing that.”
I moved my hand over his chest and watched his reaction. I loved the fact that my touch caused his heart to pound faster.
“I still have filming to do,” he said a moment later.
“Oh?”
“Yeah, but it’s not in Vancouver,”
“Where is it being filmed now?” I asked.
“They’re moving the show to San Diego.”
I sat up and wore a gleeful smile. This news made me happy. San Diego was a two hours’ drive away, verses the twenty-two-hour drive to Vancouver. I got comfortable, lying next to Scotty, and soaked up all the warmth radiating off him.
“Oh goodie, much closer. Are you becoming a series regular?”
“I don’t know. They wrap season one next month. I might be signed on for the second season. Or I could be killed off next episode. It is a murder mystery-slasher show, they aren’t letting anyone see the script till we shoot.”
“Oh my, I’m excited to see this. So, does this mean you may be gone more often?” I asked.
“Does it bother you? Having me gone so often.” Scotty started to rub my back, it relaxed me instantly. I hugged him close and closed my eyes.
“Yes, but my father also complicated things by banning you from the house. With the rule and your schedule, we never see each other anymore.”
“I’m sorry. I want you to come to set next week, will you? I have someone I want to introduce you to. He’s the art director for this show, truly brilliant.”
I didn’t answer. Instead I snuggled into his chest and breathed in his scent. It felt extremely comforting to lay on him. To experience the rise and fall of his chest, up and down with each breath was… outer worldly. I breathed in through my nose and smelled an aroma I hadn’t smelled in weeks, it was intoxicating and turned me on.
“I want to take you up on the offer of visiting the set. It would have to be Friday afternoon. I can tell my parents I’m staying with Emilie. She’ll vouch for me.”
Scotty squeezed me tight. “Of course, I would love that! I’m off this coming Friday and already planned to make the drive back Thursday after work.”
“Valentine’s Day is coming up, maybe after that?”
“Sounds like a plan. I might be able to get you a summer internship with the art department if you’re interested.”
“Only hell yeah! That would be awesome!”
I closed my eyes and nestled my head deeper into his chest. We laid like this for over an hour in silence. I started to drift off to sleep when I felt Scotty move out from under me. I was too tired to react; he tucked me in and gave me a kiss.
“Night baby, love you,” Scotty whispered.
I mumbled my response and barely heard the balcony doors open and close, then he was gone.
§ § § §
January came to an end, but what we dubbed our secret affair continued.
There was a thril
l in the idea of being caught. It’s hard to explain unless you experienced it yourself but having Scotty in my room when he was banned from the house was exhilarating. Yes, we could have gone to his place and did most nights, yet there was something romantic about him meeting me at my balcony. Like I was a prince he was trying to court. He had succeeded. Each time we saw each other we risked being caught by my father, but I didn’t care. I was still a little scared to come out. Since Scotty and I started dating, I’d learned to love myself for who I was. I was going to deal with rejection. I was going to deal with bullies, and people who said it wasn’t right. It went without saying that my parents’ rejection would be the hardest, which was perhaps the reason I’ve prolonged coming out to my parents. I was fairly certain my father would threaten to kick me out.
Funny thing about threats, they sometimes hold more power than the action itself. Saying “No son of mine is gay, if this doesn’t change, you will be kicked out,” only starts a ticking time clock with no given end. You may at any moment be kicked out if you don’t shape up, you can ship out. It’s almost like slowly removing a BAND-AID. Feeling each individual hair try to rip out, as opposed to yanking the whole thing off and being kicked out from the very get go.
I knew my father’s stance on gays in the family and the more I thought about it, the more I wondered which would be harder to deal with— being kicked out or working my ass off to get my father’s acceptance back. Would the work be worth it in the end? I didn’t know. The thrill of the journey was getting there. I still felt divided. I wanted to stop living in the closet. I was out to friends and some family members. But I wasn’t out as much in public. When Scotty and I walked around in public, we barely held hands. It was a mutual decision to keep PDA to a minimum. We still went on dates and had ‘our spots’ we met like the Santa Monica Pier.
The first of February was no different. Scotty and I vowed we’d see each other as much as possible the next two weeks; pending Scotty’s schedule which was mostly clear. In two weeks, I’d celebrate my first Valentine’s Day with someone. Scotty met me outside on the balcony, like he had other nights at nine. This time he came bearing a present.
“You shouldn’t have.”
Playing It Out Straight Page 26