“Fine.” Her eyes are still staring off into space.
“He’s coming home this weekend. Maybe you can finally talk him into attending your sexual debut.”
“Okay.”
This is getting ridiculous. “I had anal sex with Dakota.”
“Good.” That’s all I get for that lie? We have a pact … exit only.
“Listen.” I stand and walk over to her. “Quit being a one reply bitch. I could have told you I was gang-banged in the alleyway last night, and you would have said ‘Cool,’ when in all actuality it wouldn’t have been cool. I mean, sure for the gang-bangers, that would be one hell of an initiation, but for me, it would have been tragic.”
Her eyes are huge; she’s staring at me like I’ve lost my mind. “What are you talking about? What the hell is a one reply bitch and why am I one?”
“I’ve been talking to you for the last ten minutes and have gotten one word answers, so that makes you a one reply bitch. I told you I had anal with Dakota, and you didn’t flinch.”
“What the fuck, Bianca. What happened to no breaching the corn hole?”
“Obviously, I didn’t. I was going for shock value. Kind of like the gang-bang theory. What is wrong with you?”
“Everything. My dad. Bronson. My ulcer. I’m losing my shit here.”
“Callie, talk to me. Your dad’s a dick. No fixing that. What’d my brother do?”
“He didn’t do anything, Binks. He’s studying his ass off, I get it, and I feel like a complete bitch and a stage four clinger. He missed my eighteenth birthday, he was hardly present for Thanksgiving break, and he’s doing it all for us. I get that. But, add in the equation that my dad is planning something, I feel it and it scares me. He’s more sinister, if that’s possible.”
This girl was my first friend. She’s the one who understands all there is when it comes to me and doesn’t push for me to go out of my box before I’m ready. She allowed me to live in denial for months about what was happening with Dakota, never said I told you so when I gave in to my feelings, has a heart of pure fucking gold, and got dealt the shittiest hand in life with parents. Worthless fucks that they are. “Callie, can you stay here this weekend? I’ll cancel going to FSU, Dakota will understand.”
“No, I won’t do that to you.”
“You aren’t doing anything. We can watch Coyote Ugly, dance, eat, and just have a girls weekend.” I see in her face she wants to agree, but she feels like I’m sacrificing something. “It’s done. We have all weekend.”
Her smile lights up her face, but then it morphs to horror. “Shit! It’s nine.”
“Yeah, tomorrow is a half day so no big deal. Sleep over tonight.”
“No, you don’t understand. The only words he spoke to me today were be home by nine. I’m going to be late.” Her face is pale, and her trembling body shakes my bed.
“Is there something you aren’t telling me?”
“No, I swear. It’s just a feeling. I have to go.” She darts from my room.
“Call me when you get home!” I shout after her. I grab my phone and call Dakota.
“Hey, babe.” My heart flutters with his casual greeting.
“Bad news. I’m can’t come this weekend. Callie needs me.”
“Is everything okay?”
“Yes, but don’t tell Bronson. She’s just going through some stuff and with Bronson’s college load he isn’t home like he promised.”
“So because she’s feeling sorry for herself, you’re cutting our plans out of your weekend. Where are your priorities?” His tone pisses me off.
“You’ve got to be kidding me? Pity party? You, Dakota, are an asshole. You have no idea what that girl goes through. That same girl who is my best fucking friend. We see each other almost every weekend, a lot more than I see her, and you’re giving me this bullshit?”
“I miss you. I get crazy when I won’t be able to see you.”
“Is that an apology I missed? I get it; I miss you, too. But she is my best friend, and I’d hope you understand.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Okay. Talk to you later.”
“You’re still pissed?”
“A little. Some days it’s just hard. I think you expect so much from me, and I disappoint you.”
“No. I’ll come home this weekend. This isn’t happening. You aren’t going to start pulling away when I’m not there to anchor you.”
“I’m not pulling away. I promise. Stay there, I’ll be with Callie.”
“I love you, Bianca.”
“I love you, too. Talk to you tomorrow.” I disconnect and fall back. My head lands on my pillows, and I sigh. Love is exhausting. Whoever spewed that love is patient bullshit obviously never met Dakota Hyatt. A knock at my door startles me, and I see my dad standing against the frame. “Hey.” I give him my best ‘nothing is wrong’ smile.
“I saw Callie rushing out, heard you yelling on the phone, and wanted to see if everything is okay?” Times like this I feel like a self-centered brat. I condemn my dad for his life choices, yet he’s here with a soft word, heart full of love, concern shining through his expression. I think of Callie and how she deserves this . . . not me.
“Yes. She was going to be late and worried her dad will be pissed. She’s staying here this weekend, to get some distance.” I see his features harden; Frank Locati is a touchy subject for us all. “I was yelling at Dakota, he was being a complete tool when I cancelled going there for the weekend.”
I see a smile ghost his lips, his head shaking. “Can I come in?”
“You pay the bills, big man. Enter your domain.” He chuckles.
“You, my beautiful angel, are a breath of fresh air in this crazy life. Why did you cancel with Dakota?”
“Callie is having a hard time, so I decided a girls weekend was in order.”
“She’s lucky to have you.”
“No, I’m lucky to have her. She reminds me how selfish I can be, how lucky I am, and no matter what, I have a father who loves me.”
“Never forget that.” His voice gets distant.
“Papa, I’m sorry.”
“For what?”
“The things I said that morning.” It’s been a year, and I haven’t apologized, didn’t bring up the subject, yet here he is, my biggest advocate. He is the epitome of what a father should be.
“Don’t. Don’t you dare apologize to me. I need to apologize to you. You had no choice in this life; I did. And chose it anyway. It was before you or Bronson were born, I didn’t know what love was. I had just met your mother and thought I was big shit. Your grandfather was The Boss at the time, and I had choices. My father was in love with the life and was strict old school, more so than I am, but he wasn’t adamant about me joining the business. School wasn’t an option for me. I didn’t excel in school because I had no reason to. I had the life to fall back on. That’s why I’ve pushed you and Bronson to follow your dreams and get an education.” He stops and drops his head.
“You don’t have to explain.”
“No, you need to hear this. It isn’t an excuse, and if you want to hate me, I can’t blame you, but know I love you, and you are my miracle. My saving grace. The day Bronson was born, there was a pride in me equivalent to no other moment in my life. I loved him from the moment your mom told me about him. But you . . . knowing I was going to be the first man you loved, your hero, there aren’t words to describe that feeling. It’s hard to explain the difference, but you wove yourself so deep inside of me I was in awe that I helped create you. I looked at you that day and promised I would be the best father to you, that you would be proud of me and never leave me. I wanted to be a hero in your eyes. I don’t see that anymore. I see failure reflecting back at me, and that wounds me, but I understand it. One day, the man you decide is worthy of your future will be a lucky man, but I hope he is smart as well. Your heart, your beauty, should never be taken for granted.”
He wipes the tears spilling down my face. I can’t believe
how I’ve hurt him. He may do a lot of unsavory things, but he is still the first man who loved me. He’s always kept me safe, I’ve never doubted his love, and he is my hero. My slightly tarnished hero, but nonetheless he’s my dad. “I do love you, and you’re still the best man in my life. I’m so sorry I hurt you. Doubted you.”
“You did nothing of the sort. Let me finish telling you this. You may want to talk to your mother; she can shed light on what you’re feeling. It wasn’t easy for her to accept, but in the end love won over common sense, and I’m a lucky man for it. So, I grew up oblivious to what your grandfather did. I knew we had money, I knew he was respected, but I never knew what he did. I was shielded more than you and Bronson because that’s the way it was done. Nobody talked about the dealings, what the job entailed. I met your mother and I fell in love at first sight. You look so much like her I sometimes lose myself in memories. I knew I had to have her, she opened her mouth and it was pure sass. Another gift you got from her.” His smile shines and his eyes twinkle in mischief. I see the memories running through his mind by the expressions dancing across his face. “So, she had goals in life. She wanted things; she grew up poor and was determined not to worry where her next meal was coming from. I had nothing to offer her. I went to my father and told him I was going to take over; inherit my legacy. Your mother wasn’t thrilled, she knew what this life required and she wasn’t too keen on partaking in it. I don’t know how or why, but by the grace of God she stuck by me.” His voice softens as he remembers their beginning.
“When I took over we had been married for three years. I had sat in on meetings, but I had never made a decision. I learned the hard way showing any sort of weakness in this business puts everyone you love in jeopardy. The day came that I had to make a decision to kill a man . . . I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t sit there and take a man’s life. I opted to let him live.” He draws in a deep breath. “That night for retribution, he broke into the home your mom and I lived in and damn near raped her. Beat her brutally and if I hadn’t come home, it would have been worse. I didn’t hesitate, I shot and killed him in our bedroom, and I’d do it again . . . no hesitation. Hell, I’d rewind time and do it before he could have gotten anywhere near your mother. That night plagued me for years. Still does. Because of my choices from the beginning she was hurt and she was involved in all this lifestyle involved. I told her to leave, begged her. She wouldn’t. She said she loved me, and told me she was pregnant with Bronson.” He shakes his head as if he’s clearing the memory, almost too much for him to remember.
“From that day forward, I learned to compartmentalize. Rationalize what I did. I wouldn’t allow another person near my family; they weren’t going to destroy the love I had. It was a struggle at first, and every time a decision had to be made I would remember your mom being attacked. That’s how I’ve been able to do it, because there is nothing more important than my family. I weigh all the options and try not to get involved in unsavory dealings, but you’re a smart girl. You know what this involves, and sometimes decisions I make aren’t moral. I’ve atoned for that. What happens to me in the afterlife is up to the Big Guy. I would burn in hell for eternity to never lose your love and respect. You, your mom, and Bronson are what I live for. I’d walk away, give it all back if I could, but it’s too dangerous and you three would be used as leverage against me. So good or bad, I’ll always make sure you all are safe.”
I don’t have words for him, but I climb into his lap like I have so many times and weep while he holds me. His strong arms cradle me like the little girl I yearn to be, I want to take all my hurtful words, misguided thoughts, and utter disgust I felt for him and erase them. I wanted the time I wasted back. This man is my father. His only concern is his family’s safety and love. I took it for granted. “I-I’m s-so-sorry,” I manage to get out around hiccups. His offenses don’t eradicate all his good deeds and his heart, which is absolute perfection.
“No, prezioso, no tears for this.” His words whisper against my forehead, and he never lets go of me. I feel my bed dip, and my mom joins him in holding me.
“I love you, both. Thank you.” I replay all the things Callie has endured, the loss that Dakota suffered with his sister, and I look at my parents in my room, holding their eighteen-year-old daughter because she has been self-centered and undeserving of their forgiveness, yet the offer it in spades.
“Oh, caro, ti vogliamo bene. More than words,” my mom says, her tears mixing with mine. “We’ll talk more if you need, but you need sleep.” She watches as my dad tucks me in and stares at my face.
“Bianca, know my biggest regret was making a decision when I wasn’t fully aware of the repercussions. Never regret your decisions. Follow your beautiful heart and give it to someone who is deserving.” My father kisses my head and walks out hand-in-hand with my mom. For the first time, seeing their love doesn’t terrify me, it elates me and makes me yearn for that. I promise to give Dakota all that I can.
Time is rare with Dakota and spring break was a disaster. I went to Tallahassee, and Bronson came home. Instead of the four of us spending time together, we were becoming isolated couples and it wasn’t a change I was down for.
I’ve been ignoring the tell tale signs from Dakota that things are changing, and instead of confronting it like I would any other issue, I bury my head in the sand not wanting to say something I can’t take back. I saw the way he was treated on campus. Everyone knew him, and he seemed like he was the life of every party. His weekends home are sporadic and with school and finals I’m not able to go up there as much. He’s leaving tomorrow to go back to school, and we are having a quiet night at my house. He hasn’t touched me since he got here, and I see the stress lining his eyes.
“Spill it.” I finally break our silence.
“What?”
“You’ve been acting like I have leprosy since you got here. What’s going on?”
His deep sigh isn’t promising. “I think I want to take a break. Just until you get there next year. This is my first time away from home, and I feel like I’m missing out on the college life.”
At first I’m speechless, but it disappears quickly. “You’ve got to be fist fucking me! Are you serious right now?”
At least he looks remorseful, but his mind is made up. I can tell by the hard set of his jaw. “I don’t want it to be forever, just while we’re in different places.”
“Oh, so you want to get laid, and until your guaranteed piece of ass is readily available, you want to seek pleasure elsewhere?” I stop for a breath because I want to continue my verbal punches. “It doesn’t work that way, big boy. See, next year will be my first time away from home, and I may want to see what I’m missing. Yep, that is exactly how it’s going to work. So, go and search the fuck away. Next year, I’ll be like fucking Dora, exploring right next to you.”
“Bianca, it’s not like that. I love you, I’m just not sure it’s Callie and Bronson. He’s so sure in everything he does with her, and I’m floundering. Next year, when we’re together it won’t be so hard.”
“You need to find your silence. Not another fucking word about it. You made your decision, one you will live to regret, but you made it. Bye, Dakota.” I don’t wait for him to speak but make my way upstairs to my room. I shut and lock my door, collapse on my bed. I cover my face with a pillow to muffle the sobs. He made me want love. He made me take a leap with the promise of catching me. In the end, it wasn’t enough. He let me go and led me into a free fall that entailed many scrapes and scars along the way. I was broken in this moment, and I remembered why I hated love. It wasn’t going to be a factor in my life anymore. I wasn’t ever going to be that girl again.
For all sad words of tongue and pen, The saddest are these, 'It might have been.’
~John Greenleaf Whittier
Chapter 10
Dakota
I’ll never forgive myself. I made a promise to her. She could trust me. I begged her to give me a chance, and when she did, I let it
slip through my fingers. I don’t understand why I feel the way I do, but in my gut I know that she needs this. Her fears have weighed her down so long. She got a release when she talked to her dad; my initial reaction was to let her live. She can be free. She can soar like she’s wanted to but never allowed herself. Her dad’s words echo in my head, pinging side to side, ‘Never regret your decisions.’ I felt like I would be that regret and didn’t want to burden her.
Bronson isn’t going into the special agent field of the DEA force, but I am. I want to find the fuckers who murdered my sister, and stop them along with the countless others. Yes, I know Dana liked her blow; nobody’s perfect. I’m not sweeping that under the rug, but her drug use didn’t harm anyone but herself. She never drove high. Never brought that shit into the house. Never used in front of me. We all have demons; we all have vices to quiet in our head . . . that should never justify murder.
Her senior prom is tonight, and I know she’s going by herself. I’m the biggest jackass in the world who robbed her of a memory because I’m running scared. I love her, but I don’t want to be the cause of the haunted look in her eyes. Her relationship with her father is on track. She’s able to accept love and embrace him . . . her father and I will be on a crash course with my life in front of me. DEA agent and Mob Boss don’t work too well together. My goal is going to come at a price; my friendship with Bronson, my relationship with Bianca, but I can’t forsake my sister’s memory to save those. Dana gave me everything she had, selflessly, and I owe this to her. I’m the only one in my family who honors her.
Bellissimo Lotta (Beautiful Struggle): Companion Novel to Bellissimo Fortuna (The Family Trilogy Book 2) Page 7