by M. J. Haag
“Oh, shit.”
“It was Tor. Adam told him what to do.”
“Tor is in so much trouble.”
I shook my head and explained exactly what had happened. How Adam had twisted things around and manipulated Tor. And how I’d kept the truth of what Adam had done from Tor.
“Why would Adam do that?” she asked.
“I don’t know. We were fine. Really fine. We had sex just before those men beat him up. Nothing was wrong, or if it was, I didn’t see it.”
Even as I said it, his words from yesterday morning rang in my heart.
“What?” Angel asked, watching me closely.
“When I confronted Adam, he said that I needed Tor. That sleeping with him would give me immunity. I went out to get Adam more medicine, and when I came back, there was a note. He said he was staying with Brog to play video games so we lovebirds would have alone time.”
“Oh, June.”
“I went to Brog’s to demand an explanation. Adam wouldn’t even look at me until I said he wasn’t being fair. That’s when he told me I was right and that we were done. He can’t mean that, right? I mean, it doesn’t make any sense. Who does that? Who gives their girlfriend away like some unwanted piece of—” A sob stole my words.
“Oh, sweetie.” Angel hugged me again. “I don’t know Adam, and I don’t know you very well. But I do know the signs of a failing relationship. Letting another guy go down on your girl is at the top of the list. Adam isn’t worth your tears, no matter what kind of history you have together. He willingly threw away what you had. The only thing you should be asking yourself is, ‘now what?’ Our lives are too precarious to waste energy on lost causes.”
“So I’m supposed to give up on him and forget everything we’ve been through together?”
“Forget? No. Give up on the man who already gave up on you?”
She pulled back and looked me in the eye.
“You’re still alive because you’re a survivor. Surviving means moving forward, no matter what. Holding on to something that isn’t there is dangerous.”
The truth in her words severed that last thread of hope I’d been clinging to. The pain surged and settled deep in my chest even as my tears slowed.
Angel was right. I wouldn’t forget, and I also wouldn’t try holding onto a man who didn’t want to be held.
“What am I supposed to do then? Mooch off of Tor until…what?”
“You don’t need to decide your future today. In fact, I recommend not thinking about it for a little while. You need a distraction.”
She nudged me to my feet, and I helped her stand.
“What kind of distraction?”
“I was serious about the dick shooting. Come on. It’s exercise, and it’s fun watching all the guys wince when we hit one.”
Chapter Eleven
“Elbow higher,” Angel said. “Yeah, that looks right. Don’t release. Return to the starting position and draw again. You’ll need to do that a hundred times once Brenna gets here.”
“Why? My arm already hurts.”
“Trust me, it’ll hurt worse tomorrow. But it’s a hurt you’ll be able to rub and make feel better.”
I nodded, understanding what she was saying, and drew again. Each time, it got harder, but she claimed I was getting better. When I heard someone shout hello, I quickly relaxed my stance, ready for a break.
“That’s Eden,” Angel said, helpfully reminding me.
“She’s the one that promised not to shoot real dicks,” I said, remembering a conversation I’d had with Tor.
Angel laughed.
“Yeah, Ghua was pretty worried. Shax is a little more relaxed about it.”
“No real dick shooting,” Shax said abruptly from where he and Tor were standing a safe distance away.
Angel grinned at me.
“What if real dick shooting helps the baby come out faster?”
The man looked truly torn, and Angel pealed with laughter.
“I’m kidding, babe. That wouldn’t help. Your dick is safe with me.”
Eden jogged up to us, a smile on her face.
“Obviously, everyone’s dick is safe with me since I took an unbreakable oath.”
The fey behind her grunted, dropped a kiss on the top of her head, then walked off to join the other two.
“Testicles are a completely different body part, though,” Angel said. “We should try for that ballsack today.”
I looked at the melted dildo blob and spotted the monstrously huge green scrotum protruding from the right side. There was a black lumpy strand right below it.
“Are those anal beads?”
“Shh. We don’t talk about those,” Eden said with a panicked look in her eyes.
“Most of the metal ones sunk when the fire was really going. There was so much smoke, and it smelled so bad that they put it out before everything melted into obscurity. You’ll see a lot of nifty things in there.”
“Stop. I’m begging you,” Eden whispered.
“If you walk around to the back side, there’s a plastic hand. You know what that’s for, right?” Angel asked.
“He’s listening,” Eden hissed.
Angel grinned at her. “You’ve been together for months now. Don’t you want some new ideas to spice things up?”
“I still have a hard time walking some mornings. We do not need to feed the machine more data. In fact, I think Ghua needs to be in the room when you deliver so he understands what he’s trying to do to me.”
“Yes,” Ghua said. “I want to watch the baby come out.”
“Sorry, Ghua. I promised the last spot would be a random drawing.”
“How many people are going to watch you deliver?” I asked, trying to keep up with the conversation.
“Well, Shax is going to be there, obviously. Cassie and Kerr. Julie’s going to be there, too, since she's been through it and will be able to keep Shax calm.”
“I will be calm, Angel,” Shax called.
“We need to start a pool,” Eden said. “Put me down for fainting. Five candy bars.”
“I’ll get Garrett to put something together,” Angel promised. “He wants to be at the house but not in the room. Solin will be the fifth. I heard he can draw and am hoping he can capture the moment to share with the other fey. That leaves one more spot. Julie and Cassie both agree that six will be crowded, but I know the fey will stand back and stay out of the way, so I’m not worried.”
“When are you due?” I asked.
Angel shrugged. “Who knows. When it’s time, it’s time. Cassie says I’m looking more like I’m in the last few weeks, but I think that’s the snack cakes they keep feeding me.” She rubbed the side of her belly, not seeming upset by the extra treats. “I wouldn’t mind if the ninja stayed put for a little longer. He’s safe where he is.”
“He will be safe out here, too, Angel, where I can hold him.”
She looked at Shax, her expression grave.
“Babe, there’s been something I’ve been meaning to tell you. We can’t have sex for six weeks after the baby’s born. It takes that long for my insides to heal.”
His look of horror was mirrored on the faces of the other fey gathered.
Eden started laughing.
“Yeah, that’s right. Babies break your favorite toy.”
Although I managed to keep a smile on my face for all their playful banter, it hurt. I’d been so ready for that phase of my life.
“Sorry I’m late,” a voice called, redirecting everyone’s attention.
A young woman and another fey strode our way. The fey was huge and scarred and looked ready to tear someone’s head off. The woman, while also very serious, didn’t convey the same sense of danger. I recognized her as the one who’d been standing on top of the trucks the day Adam and I had been rescued. The reminder only caused me more pain.
“Hey, Brenna. How’s Uan?” Angel asked.
“Not good. Instead of getting better, he seems to be slowly get
ting worse. Kerr checked him over, top to bottom, for embedded teeth or claws but couldn’t find anything. He’s sure that’s the problem, but with Uan’s insides so messed up…” She shook her head. “Kerr finally convinced Mom it was time. He’s going to talk to Drav about taking Uan back to the caves.”
“When?” Eden asked.
“Two days. Three days tops. They want to make sure he’s in the caves and his crystal is glowing before anything happens.”
The big man beside her reached out and set a hand on her shoulder. She glanced up at him, and her bottom lip trembled.
“You will not lose another father,” he said, his voice a raspy rumble.
She nodded.
“I brought new blood for you to teach,” Angel said, quickly changing the subject. “Her stance is a mess, though.”
Brenna looked at Angel and smiled crookedly before looking at me.
“I hope you’re ready to be my distraction,” she said.
“As long as you’re ready to be mine,” I replied.
For the next hour, I worked hard to learn everything Brenna had to teach me. Then I watched Hannah, a girl with a bright smile, fight with Eden. They moved fast and fought rough. But neither one held a grudge and always offered the other a hand up.
I understood why the other women were getting together every day. They were honing their skills. Learning to fight so they’d have a better chance of surviving whatever was thrown their way. They were doing what Adam never wanted me to do because he was too busy trying to shelter me.
“You ready for a turn?” Hannah said, looking at me.
“I don’t think June is ready to fight,” Tor said, stepping forward.
After watching them, I knew I would get my butt handed to me, but I didn’t want that to hold me back.
“I’d like to try anyway.”
“Good, I’m taking a break,” Eden said, collapsing on the frozen ground nearby.
Hannah waved me forward.
“We’ll start simple and use Merdon’s favorite move,” she said. “I’m going to try to knock you to the ground. Make sure you land on your back and get your forearm up to my throat. If I’m an infected, that move keeps my teeth from getting to you. Brace your hand on my shoulder for support. Ready?”
I nodded but quickly learned how unready I was.
Despite all the time I had spent on the treadmill in the bunker, Hannah was faster and stronger. And, it didn’t matter that they’d all been doing this longer, it still frustrated me to be the least able-bodied. Well, Angel was technically less able than me, but she was pregnant. I didn’t even have that as an excuse.
“I know that face,” Hannah said, offering me yet another hand up. “Don’t let the voice in your head talk you down. You’re doing great, and fighting with you is better than fighting with Eden. She bites.”
“So do infected,” Eden called out, not taking her eyes off of Brenna, who was working with her on the bow.
“Please don’t quit and leave me with the biter,” Hannah begged.
“I’m done after this,” Brenna called.
“Me too,” Angel said, letting an arrow fly. “My back’s getting sore. Feet, too.”
Hannah rolled her eyes. “You’re only saying that so you get a massage.”
“Yep,” Angel said with an unrepentant grin. “You should try it some time.”
Hannah snorted. “Merdon doesn’t do manipulation.”
“Does he know most massages have happy endings?”
“Angel, if you don’t shut your mouth, I’m shoving a snack cake in it,” Eden warned.
Hannah flashed a bright smile at me. “Looks like you’re off the hook. You better be here tomorrow, though.”
“She will be,” Angel said. “I’ll stop by and pick her up.”
The group broke apart, still bantering as they went their own separate ways. Tor approached, his gaze seeing far too much as he studied me.
“Are you hungry?” he asked.
“A little,” I admitted. All the exercise had reminded me I’d skipped breakfast. And dinner the night before.
We slowly walked back to the house. The hurt crept back in as I looked through the cupboards for something easy to make.
“Do you want to watch a movie?” Tor asked.
“Sure. A movie sounds good.”
Except, I didn’t really see the movie. My mind fixated on Adam and everything that had gone wrong. It would be easy to say it was the beating that had been the catalyst, but the beating would have never happened if the world was still the way it had been. If Adam and I were finishing up our senior years. If he was still talking to agents and scouts.
Tor laughed, drawing my attention. He glanced at me and flashed his teeth. I couldn’t help but smile back and feel a twinge of guilt at my selfish thinking. Sure, without the earthquake, my life would probably still have been happily moving along. But then Tor would have been stuck in his caves, living endless lives with no hope for a future family whatsoever without women.
That thought caused a deeply painful epiphany that I didn’t want to acknowledge.
Although I felt like my future had been ripped from me, that wasn’t the reality. There were other men out there. Perhaps, one day, that would sound like a good thing. Just not today.
When the movie ended, I went upstairs and ran myself a hot bath. It’d been ages since I’d had one, and it felt good. Since Angel had been right about crying, I didn’t waste any more tears on Adam. Instead, I let myself remember all the good things. The late nights laughing. The romantic moments. The heated looks. Cheering him on at his games. In each memory, I began to see what I loved most about him. His unshakable confidence, persistence, and his incredible smile.
Tenacity had taken that man from me.
Without a doubt, Cassie was right. Adam was dealing with some serious trauma. What had happened changed him. And Angel was right, too. There was no point clinging to a man who’d made it very clear we were done. Yet, I knew I was right, too. Adam did still love me. Why else would he demand Tor keep his promise to protect me after telling me we were through?
“Adam said not to come back,” Tor said, striding beside me.
“Yeah, Adam’s been talking a lot of crap lately.”
Tor stepped in front of me and gently clasped my arms to prevent a collision.
“No, June. He will hurt your heart again.” He wrapped his arms around me, his heart thudding hard under his ribs as he pressed my head to the base of his sternum. “Let Adam be stupid. No more crying.”
I sighed and patted Tor’s back before extracting myself.
“I won’t cry anymore.”
His gaze swept over my face, and I clearly saw the doubt in his expression.
“I promise I won’t cry again.”
“You hurt my heart when you cry.”
Why couldn’t Adam be that sweet?
I offered Tor a sad smile.
“I’m sorry I cried so much. It takes time to understand why things happen. I think I now understand why Adam told me he didn’t want me anymore. I also think he still plans on going to the caves with Uan. I want to talk to him before that happens. If I don’t, I might have a lot of regrets that will haunt me for the rest of my life.”
He considered me for a long moment before stepping aside.
“If Adam makes you cry again, more than his leg will need healing.”
“You know what? Maybe I should talk to Adam alone.”
Tor grunted but continued up the walkway with me. Brog opened the door on the second knock.
“Adam is busy, June. He said—”
I stepped around him like last time and strode into the living room. Adam was on the couch this time. He still held a controller in his hand, though. I plucked it from his grasp and tossed it across the room.
“Hey, you can’t buy those anymore,” he said, scowling at me.
Despite my sore legs, I knelt beside him so we were close to eye level.
“Uan’s leavi
ng soon. Two or three days tops.”
Adam’s expression became shuttered.
“I know.”
“And you’re still going?”
“I am.”
“I hope it works for you, Adam. I really do. I’m not going to sit here waiting for you while you’re gone. That was the whole point of the break-up, right?”
He swallowed hard.
“But I’m not going to move on like you want, either. I’ll worry about you each day that you’re gone whether you want me to or not. But, I want you to know you don’t have to worry about me. I was fine before you, Adam, and I’ll find a way to be fine without you.” I leaned forward and kissed his cheek. “I will always love you,” I said softly.
When I pulled back, his eyes were closed.
“Please just go, June. You’re making this harder than it needs to be.”
“No, Adam. You did that.”
I stood and walked toward the two fey by the door.
“Thanks for taking care of him, Brog.”
He grunted and glanced at Tor, who was watching me for any sign of a breakdown.
“Let’s go,” I said. “I have a lot I need to do.”
Tor didn’t ask what I meant. He simply followed me from the house.
I was fine without conversation. My mind was already racing. I’d meant every word I’d said to Adam. I hoped his trip to the caves would end with him healed, and I’d worry about him and probably wouldn’t sleep well until he was back. Yet, I wasn’t going to stop living while he was gone. I was also done foolishly hoping he’d change his mind and want me once he was healed. The reality was that he’d likely pull this again the next time something happened, and I refused to put myself through that kind of heartache more than once.
Understanding that didn’t stop me from loving him though. It still hurt knowing that we were done. But I was determined to channel that into something useful.
“I’d like to meet Mya. Do you think that’s possible?” I asked Tor.
“Yes.”
We continued past our house toward the other side of Tolerance. I spotted the home I needed as soon as we turned onto the street. Fey were gathered before it, and a man stood on the porch.