by Gabrielle G.
Returning to Virginia is difficult enough, I don’t need to be conscious that the plane could crash, and we could die, flat on the ground like crêpes who didn’t get caught by the frying pan when flipped in the air. The thought makes me shiver, and I push it away quickly with images of Aito.
Anna’s words ring in my mind like an echo in the desert.
I need to go there for my son. To heal. To become the man I used to be. The fearless asshole who laughed in the face of danger. The guy who wasn’t a prisoner of his thoughts, his fears, his doubts, his dread, his uncertainty.
The man Elaine loved, and I came to hate.
Maybe I can find him again in Virginia.
Perhaps I’ll find peace.
Or perhaps it will shatter me to the bone, and I’ll end up locked up somewhere, alive on the outside but dead inside, the compulsions having won and no one being safe.
But that’s only one possibility.
I can’t think of others dying. I can’t fear death. I can fight it. And while I drift to sleep, I mentally go through everything I checked before leaving, like a lullaby to Aito, like a love song to Elaine, like a chant at the funeral.
And when I can’t count anymore, when my thoughts are too foggy for me to make sense of anything, when my head is heavier than my heart, I let go, and only then, I feel safe. If death catches you while you’re asleep, you don’t see it happening, you’re not the witness of any nightmares, you’re not the prey of its cruelty, and you’re not the one who killed a loved one.
Sleep is an ally, and pills are my best friend, especially thirty thousand feet in the air.
Chapter Four
TESSA
There is something exhilarating while breaking the rules.
From driving above the speed limit to reading a forbidden romance, there is something intangible that makes me do it. A desire to dance under the thunderstorm that life is and take the chance to be struck by lightning, to get aroused by taboo thoughts, to get caught by the police. Of course, when it happens, some consequences are more enjoyable than others.
The one I’m currently dealing with is somewhere in the middle between orgasm and death. A little pleasurable because the guy is very good looking but a bit deadly because of the repercussions being pulled over would create.
“Officer, can I go now? I’m late for an appointment.” Which is why I was speeding. Not dangerously speeding or driving like I would on the tracks, but just above speed-limit like we’ve all done.
“Tessa, it’s the third time this month.” Officer Jenkins and I are becoming fast buddies. I smile to try to appease him, but he just glares at me, unimpressed.
“Nope,” I argue, “the first two didn’t count. We agreed that your machine is too sensitive, and I was in the grey area of speeding the first two times.” He lets out a breath, and his gaze changes. Now he looks at me like everyone does around here, with a little annoyance and a lot of pity.
I’m the girl whose fiancé died and got shit in return. I’m the girl who was left with almost nothing and freaked. I’m the girl you need to be patient with while I find my way, even if I’m a pain in the ass. At least that’s what they say around here.
Oh, Tessa, King’s girl. The one who got rejected by his family. Poor thing.
Poor thing. Poor me.
I smile to keep my tears of anger at bay.
I never wanted to become the widow that wasn’t one. The dead guy’s fiancée. The poor girl. But as long as I live here, that’s what I’ll be.
Some days, I’m not even sure why I came back. Everything was so much easier when I was away. I didn’t have to tell my story. I didn’t have to see the compassion in the eyes of others. I didn’t have to hear the ’poor thing’, they’d whisper.
Jenkins sighs. “The grey area doesn’t exist. You’re speeding or not. If the speed limit is set at a certain mileage per hour, it’s not for you to think there is a ten-mph above it that allows you a free pass.” His blue eyes are shining with pride, and his face is stern. There is no way to get my way out of it. This time, I’m getting a ticket.
“So do your job, Officer.” I shrug, “I’ll pay. I don’t have an issue with it. But hurry, I can’t be late for my first day.”
He crosses his arms and smirks. “We wouldn’t want that… Dixon might get pissed.”
“Is anything private anymore?” I frown, wondering why one of the guys would blab this to Jenkins.
“Nope,” he says, smiling, “And you can be certain, Quinn will hear about our wonderful time together on the side of this little backroad.” With all his years whoring around in bars, my friend Quinn knows a lot of the hot men in town. Not that he was interested in them—Quinn loved the ladies—but King and I had this theory that Quinn and the other handsome guys had a secret club where they used to hang out to plan their search for one-night stands when they were single. They all hung out in the same bars and talked to the same girls. It was before they got hitched one after the other. Jenkins, Quinn, our friend Liam and a few more were all part of the club until they became devoted husbands and baby daddies.
“Great. Yet another lecture,” I sigh, taking back the ID he’s handing to me.
“You know he means well, and if you don’t want any lectures, just stop acting like a teenager on steroids. It’s that easy.” He wiggles his eyebrows while I roll my eyes inwardly. There we go again.
“No one was in danger, Jenkins. I wouldn’t risk anyone else’s life.”
“But, you would risk your own.”
Not totally true.
But fighting what they think of me is inevitable at this point. Looking at the clock, now I know I’ll be at least ten minutes late. There is only one way for me to end this conversation if I don’t want to sit in my car on the side of the road and hear someone’s opinion in what they believe is reckless behavior.
I take a breath in.
“I’m working on it. Look, in fact, I’m going to be late for a psych eval. I really need to go. Can you issue the ticket faster?”
“Sorry, no can do. It will take the time it will take. But afterward, I want you to follow me.”
“Seriously? Why?” I whine, “Jenkins, I have to meet Mark at the office. Come on. I was just speeding a little.”
“Yes, Murdock, seriously and because I said so.” He says, looking me over. “Would you prefer to get in the back of my car? I can even use the sirens and show the town I got you back there.”
“No, I’m fine. At least tell me why I should follow you?”
“I need your help with something. Come on, Tessa.”
“Okay, but make it fast, I really need to get to Cole Security Forces,” I mumble already fidgeting with my phone to text Mark that I’ll be more than late.
When I arrive at the office, the psychologist Mark brought in for my evaluation is long gone. I’m almost one hour late because Jenkins did everything he could to keep me longer than necessary.
Mark is having a discussion with Quinn just outside his office, and I can swear it’s about me. Quinn is way too agitated for it to be about any other subject. I hear a few words. Something about promises and Mark needing to help a brother out.
Not willing to sit through yet another reprimand, I back away, my eyes on the floor, trying to get out of the office as quietly as possible without anyone seeing me.
I’ve been treated like a broken doll since I came back from my trip, and if I know it comes from a good place, I also know that I don’t need supervision. All I want is to live with the rush of adrenaline in my veins, and enjoy it while I can.
I’m almost out of sight when I collide into a wall of muscles. It would be the start of a great love story if I didn’t know the voice coming from my rear-ender.
“Where are you running away to, Tessa?”
Turning around to give my most renown glare to Jackson, I fall into the emerald eyes of the man standing next to him. I instantly feel connected to him. I can see the pain he has been through and the heartache th
at came with it.
But as soon as he blinks, it’s all gone.
“Hey there, pretty lady,” his voice is deep and smooth like hot chocolate on a cold winter’s night, “can we help you with something?” He smirks and raises an eyebrow, playing a role he knows by heart, but doesn’t match the vulnerability I just caught.
When you decide your life will be a series of fun and risks, you learn quickly to read any cues of danger.
And that guy comes with a warning label on his forehead.
Beware of the dick—he will break your heart.
He’s gorgeous with those troubled eyes, that black hair looking as if he just jumped out of bed in a perfectly stylish way, and that firm body which attracts my hand like a magnet when I haven’t touched a man in so long.
That guy is everything I shouldn’t be looking at.
So, as usual, when I’m at a loss for words, I bite.
“Get lost!” I tell him, trying to get away from the hold his gaze has on me. He steps back, lifts his hands up as if to apologize and whistles.
“Not the kind to force myself on ladies. You seemed in a hurry, and I thought we could help you. Sorry if I offended you.” I dive in his eyes again and try to fight the urge I have to strip my soul for him.
The pull is the same one I felt last night when I learned about this guy I need to drive around tomorrow. I wonder if… maybe… I’m about to ask who he is when Jackson interrupts, thankfully.
“Tessa is our latest addition.” He tells the guy not giving me the intel I need to know why I feel that way around Green-eyes. “She loves to jump off things and take risks. You two should get along just fine.” Green-eyes winces slightly. It disappears instantly when he realizes I’m watching him, and he finds his composure. All he does is give a nod, his eyes avoiding mine.
“Does Mark know you’re here?” Jackson asks me. It’s my turn to wince. Jackson is the one who understands me the most in the group. He’s lost people he loved as well, and he’s a little more empathetic than Mark or Quinn.
“I got pulled over by Jenkins, and then he needed my help with something stupid with the patrol cars, so I missed the psych eval. I told Mark as soon as I could, and I was going to get in and apologize, but…” I jerk my head toward Mark’s office.
“Daddy Quinn is in there and not happy about you missing it?” Jackson smirks. “Let's be honest, Murdock, Jenkins did you a favor. You would have never passed, and Quinn would have lost his shit knowing so. Mark and I got you.” He smiles, and all of a sudden, I wonder if Jenkins pulling me over wasn’t a divine intervention from the two asses.
“I’m sure I would have passed the eval with flying colors,” I mumble with pride. Green-eyes chuckles, forcing me to look at him again.
“Sorry,” he says, “bullshit in my throat.” Who is this guy? I’m not sure if he has a death wish or if he likes playing with matches, but as charming as he looks, he’s rubbing me the wrong way.
Something about him irritates me as much as it attracts me. I’m like a cat pet backwards. I like the attention but not that it goes counter-hair.
“Oliver is a lie detector,” Jackson explains. “No bullshit goes through him. He’s here to help us with a sensitive mission we have, and he’s also who you need to drive around.”
Oliver.
Foolishly, my heart misses a beat, and I smile at him.
He seems confused for a nano-second before kicking his self-control in.
I observe him a little longer and take note of a lot of little things. The scar at the corner of his eyes. The glasses he wears at his collar. The way he rubs his thumbs and his index finger together. Maybe I’m an expert at bullshitting myself because it seems Oliver is nervous. I think there is a lot he isn’t telling Jackson.
“Nice to meet you, Tessa,” he says without shaking my hand.
“Likewise,” I smile without feeling it in my heart, as usual. He nods again, as if to tell me he can understand my pain, and he sees through the mask. I ward off all the unexpressed emotions I’ve battled with since King died and focus on Jackson.
“You’re not going to make me go in there, are you?” I ask, pretty sure I already know the answer.
“You know it’s better to remove the bandage fast and let it breathe than cover the problem and make it ooze. Let’s go, Murdock. If you’re not afraid of racing cars, you can’t be afraid of Quinn.”
Annoyed, I sigh, knowing Jackson is right, Quinn will repeat the same speech he always does, Mark will find it amusing, and I’ll be mortified being treated like a child in front of Green-eyes.
Chapter Five
OLIVER
She’s pretty.
The strand of blue hair in the sea of blonde matches her inquiring eyes.
She’s dangerous. Her eyes told me all I needed to know. She can see through me, understands where I come from, and that’s the last thing I want.
She passes by me, and my body reacts to the scent of flowers she leaves behind. I’m not sure which—I was never good in botany—but it’s girly and fits her well. Classier than a field flower but less coarse than a lily. I try to remember the last time I took a second to appreciate a woman’s fragrance.
I bed some, but I generally don’t spend time smelling anything other than their arousal. Not that it’s happened since Aito’s birth. Driest spell I’ve ever had since I was a virgin.
But Tessa smells like spring, like a revival, and I need to stay far away from her if I don’t want to find myself tangled in some heartbreak when I leave.
“Le Pew!” Mark exclaims when he sees me, “finally back home!” I see the confusion in her eyes, but I ignore it. My call name isn’t something to discuss. Mark pulls me in for a man hug and the pressure I always feel in my chest releases for a second.
Home. It’s not anymore, though.
All of a sudden, I miss my son and my New York friends.
“Hey, Twilight. Good to see you, man.” It’s not a lie per se. It is good to see him. I’ve missed him, but I know the one he’s missed is not the guy I have become.
“Good to see you too,” he says, releasing me. “I see you’ve met Tessa already. This is Quinn. Quinn, meet Oliver Spencer. He and I go way back.”
The guy steps closer to me and shakes my hand, “Heard a lot about you. Nice to meet you.”
I have no idea who the guy is but seeing how he’s looking at Tessa, I’ll say they are family or exes. There is a protectiveness coming from him and a resistance coming from her telling me it’s complicated.
“Likewise,” I answer, knowing already that he’s not focused on me but on the blue-haired girl.
“Tessa,” he acknowledges her, and the good mood which was surrounding my reunion with Mark shifts instantly.
“Quinn,” she nods and smiles, but you can feel her apprehension. Mark ignores them and drags me into his office. We leave Tessa and Quinn in the corridor, whispering to each other and gesturing their disagreement while Jackson referees.
Mark closes the door behind him, shutting off the glimpse I could have of their relationship that is none of my business, but I’m curious about.
“I can’t believe you’re finally back in Virginia!” He invites me to sit in the chair on the other side of his desk and take his seat behind it.
“Yep,” is all I can say without having a panic attack, thinking of where I am and why I’m here. Mark considers me and smiles softly.
“It’s going to be okay, you know that, right?”
How can he believe it’s going to be okay when it makes five years that it hasn’t been? I’ve been through a desert of solitude and sorrow and haven’t been better. I’ve been married, divorced, had a child, and it has not gotten better.
My chest still constricts when I think of what happened to Elaine. My heart still bleeds her loss. And I still pretend I’m fine and that what happened was an accident.
“I know,” I lie. Because I won’t be okay meeting her parents and standing next to them like a dutiful son-
in-law.
“If you want, I’ll come with you.” Mark is indeed a good guy. He loves to break everyone’s balls and make fun of his friends, but at the end of the day he’s there for you when you need, always giving a hand, one I never took.
“I’m sorry I disappeared, Mark.” He raises his hands and shakes his head.
“You didn’t disappear, Oliver. You needed time away, and I gave it to you. But when I heard you let a rock star beat the crap out of you, I knew it was time I came back into your life. I can’t let you disgrace us.”
“Anna,” I mumble, cursing my sister.
“Yeah... She might have called and explained the whole ordeal with her assistant once she knew what was going on…” I take a deep breath. Anna was mad and worried. I’m not surprised she called Mark. She used to call him a lot after Elaine died.
“It was easier to marry a friend than to give my heart away,” I shrug, surprised by the surge of honesty coming out of me. I’ve never told anyone what I just admitted. Not that Anna and Dan didn’t try to get the truth out of me, but I preferred to play the lovesick puppy with Naomi than having anyone know the truth about my state of mind.
“Yeah, and because you’re a perfect husband, you had to get her pregnant too.”
“I don’t regret neither the sex, nor the consequences. My son is one of the only reasons I still stand. That and the bar.” Mark nods, understanding my pain and I try to bite my tongue to stop the verbal diarrhea coming from my mouth. That’s why I didn’t pick up the phone for the last five years, that guy can get me to tell all my truths. Since day one, I was never able to hide anything from him.
“We need a drink for this conversation.” I shake my head.
“I don’t drink anymore.” He nods again. He certainly believes that’s a direct consequence of the accident. That maybe, I was a little drunk and that’s why Elaine died. I wasn’t. I stopped drinking because I like being in control of my life. Naomi believes I was drunk when we made Aito, but that’s impossible.