by Katie Ashley
Allison’s eyes widened. “You think you seduced me?”
I grimaced. “I’m sure you would have never done anything like that if I hadn’t been coming on to you. I take full responsibility for what happened.”
She stared at me like I had grown horns and fangs. It was the oddest expression of agonized disbelief. I could almost see the wheels in her head turning and spinning. And then she shocked the hell out of me by bringing both of her hands to my chest and shoving me hard. “You…you fucking asshole!” she screeched.
My eyes widened at her choice of language along with the fury with which she spoke. She shook her head wildly back and forth at me. “If last night was a mistake and you just seduced me, then what the hell have we been doing the past three weeks?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know exactly. Hanging out? Spending time as friends?”
“Just friends? That was all it was to you?”
“What else was it supposed to be?”
“Oh God,” she moaned. Allison’s eyes then pinched shut. I’ve known her long enough to know that look, and I feel like utter shit for causing her pain.“I can’t believe this. All this time I’d fantasized what it would be like to tell you how I felt about you. But never could I have imagined a nightmare like this.”
“I don’t understand.” And that was certainly an understatement.
Opening her eyes, Allison pinned me with a hard stare. “You’ve been utterly and completely blind, haven’t you? Or I guess it’s more like you’ve been emotionally shut off.” She took a tentative step toward me. “Last night meant everything to me because I was with the man I loved. The man I’ve been in love with since I was thirteen years old.”
Her words had the same effect as if a lightning bolt had shot out of the sky to slam me with jolts of electricity. “You’re in love with me?” I asked with disbelief.
“I can’t believe I ever took you for such a smart man, Rhys,” Allison snapped.
Running my hands over my face, I shook my head. How in the hell had this happened? We’d just been hanging out and having fun—I wasn’t sure how she had taken it differently. “God, how did I not see it for all those years?” As my mind whirled with thoughts, I wondered if I had just been ignoring all the signs that were already there. I’d never had a girl that was just a friend. All these years, I’d treated Allison as a little sister. Somehow in the last three weeks, our relationship had changed into one of intense friendship. At the same time, I had to wonder if I’d been deluding myself. Was what I was feeling for Allison more than just friendship? Sure, considering how gorgeous and sexy she was, it wasn’t hard to be attracted to her physically. But it was the emotional aspect of my attraction that I was worried about.
After exhaling a ragged breath, Allison said, “I’ve waited and tried to be patient. I thought once I was of age, you would be able to see me differently. And then when that didn’t happen, I almost gave up hope that we could ever be together. But no matter who I was with or where you were in the world, that little flicker of love I felt for you never extinguished. Then you came to see me, and we had the most perfect last few weeks together.” Tears streaked down her cheeks, causing my chest to clench in anguish. “But all that was for nothing because you’re standing before me now saying that you feel nothing for me.”
“That’s not true. I do care about you very, very much.”
“Yeah, as a sister or a friend. But do you care for me as someone different? A girlfriend or a lover?”
Even if I was beginning to feel more for her than I should, there was no way I could ever allow myself to date Allison. Jake would never allow or accept it. The band could implode under the stress and tension. There was also the fact that I didn’t do relationships anymore—I wanted my freedom, not to be tied down. Allison wasn’t the type of girl who became a fuck buddy. She was the hearts and flowers kind of girl, the hopeless romantic, who was waiting for her Prince Charming. We were at an impasse, and when it came down to it, there was really no future for us. “Allison,” I began in an even voice, “what you’re feeling for me isn’t real.”
Sweeping her hands to her hips, she angrily questioned, “It isn’t? Then pray tell me exactly what it is.”
Never being good at talking about my emotions, I found it hard to try to put into words what I meant. “Infatuation…a crush. All these years you just thought you were in love with me because you had a false sense of who I was. I was the older guy who was off limits. It’s romantic wish fulfillment.”
There it was—the honest truth. Logical. Intelligent. Allison was still too young to really understand love. Hell, I didn’t even understand it. No, this was the right path to take.
“That is the worst bullshit I’ve ever heard! How dare you tell me how I feel? I know what I’ve felt for you Rhys, and it’s love. Now if you’re too chicken shit to admit that you feel something for me, then fine. That’s how we’ll leave things between us. But don’t you ever tell me that I don’t know what love is.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. I’m just trying to find the right things to say to you.”
“The right things to let me down easy? The right way to put the sad, confused little girl out of her misery?”
“Allison, please.”
She shook her head. “Why? Why can’t you be honest with me? Why can’t you be honest with yourself?”
“I am being honest,” I argued feebly.
“So in your warped frame of mind, last night was just a mistake? It wasn’t an amazing connection between two people who care for each other?”
“We can’t get caught up with what happened last night. Yes, the sex was amazing and it was an incredible time, but we were wasted. We have to think about Jake and everyone else. Whatever this is between us, it has to stop. Too much is at stake for us just to throw it all away because of a drunken night.”
Her hand swept to her throat as a strangled cry escaped her lips. Once again, tears began flowing down her cheeks. “Okay then, I’ll put it all behind me. We’ll go on like this never happened. If that’s what you think is best.”
“I’m sorry, but I really do. It’ll be fine in the end, you’ll see. We’ll be able to be friends just like nothing happened.”
She gave a quick jerk of her head. “I’ll just try not to think each and every time I see you that you’re the man who didn’t just break my heart—you shattered it.”
I didn’t anticipate her next move. Wrapping her arms around my neck, she dipped my head down to where she could kiss me. Her lips tasted salty from the tears she’d been shedding. And as the fading thought of her lips left my mind, it was like every molecule in my body jolted, causing me to shudder. The years melted away to another time when I had felt the same way as I kissed Allison. In the moment itself and over the years, I’d denied the feelings I’d experienced with a sixteen-year-old Allison in my arms. But here I was experiencing the exact same reaction again to kissing her.
In that instant, I knew I had been deceiving myself for the past three weeks. I hadn’t been just hanging out and having fun with Allison. She had been getting under my skin. I’d slowly been falling for her. But all along, I’d been lying to myself. I’d wanted someone as beautiful, talented, and kind-hearted as she was to care for me on a deeper level. And now that I had it, I was throwing it away. But it really was the only choice I had to keep the peace with Jake. Allison was young—too young to really know what she wanted. When she matured on her, she would realize I was the last person she could truly love. She would come to believe, as I did now, that she deserved far better. Because I sure as hell knew I didn’t deserve her. She was too precious with too much of a bright future ahead of her to be saddled with someone like me. In that moment, I would have given anything to have stayed with my arms around her, with her sweet, soft lips on mine, but it just wasn’t meant to be.
Allison’s hands slowly fell from around my neck as she pulled away. Without another word to me, she turned and started walking
down the path that led to the street. “Wait, let me at least give you a ride.”
She shook her head. “I’d rather walk.”
“Please don’t leave like this.”
“There isn’t any other way to do this. Goodbye, Rhys.” She then continued on down the path before heading out the gate and disappearing from my gaze. Long after she was gone, I continued standing in that same spot, wondering what the fuck had just happened to me. Regardless of the emotions that tightened in my chest, I had to accept the same words I’d given her. Nothing could ever work between Allison and me. There were too many obstacles to overcome.
I would just have to keep telling myself that.
It has been ten days and three tour stops since I had talked to Rhys alone on Jake and Abby’s bus. Although three months had passed since our time together in Savannah, the pain was just as fresh as the day he had broken my heart. Whoever said time healed all wounds was deluding themselves. Every time I had to see Rhys or be around him, the flimsy gauze I’d placed over my heart was stripped away, leaving the wound to ache and fester.
I’m not sure how I made it through the rest of the semester without completely flunking out. After that agonizing last day when Rhys shattered my world, I found it hard to cope. The first few days I didn’t get out of bed. Cassie and my other roommates force-fed me soup and some of my favorite takeout. Then Cassie used tough love on me to get me out of bed. Once I finally came out of that emotional coma, I began a somewhat zombie existence—I went through the motions of school and work, even singing at Saffie’s, but my heart wasn’t in it. It was too obliterated after the dream I’d harbored since I was just a thirteen-year-old kid had been destroyed.
I didn’t hear from Rhys again after he blew out of town that day. While my dress and shoes arrived in a dry-cleaned garment bag, there was no note attached to it. Part of me couldn’t believe he didn’t at least call to check on me. That would have been the decent thing to do, but I guess I’d been deceived about who he really was all along. At the end of the day, I almost wanted to believe that he was as cold and callous as his parents, but I knew better. Years of watching Jake slowly self-destruct when it came to his relationships with others had made me better able to see Rhys as he truly was. He just couldn’t handle what had happened between us. At the end of the day, I truly believed he felt more for me than he could let himself acknowledge.
Thankfully, I hadn’t had to see him until Jax and Jules’s baptism. I couldn’t help wondering if he would try to avoid the ceremony all together. As godmother to Jax, he knew I would be there. Part of me had so desperately wanted him to be there so I could see him again while the other part hoped that he wouldn’t so my heart wouldn’t be torn in two yet again.
When he had walked into the room where we had all congregated before the ceremony, I found it hard to breathe. I’d clutched Jax tighter in my arms to keep me grounded, so I wouldn’t pass out. He’d given me one small smile and a hello—the same kind you would give to someone you were barely acquainted with. It was like I had spent three weeks with an entirely different person—that I’d made love with an entirely different person. And the fissure that had been etched into my heart by his previous behavior grew even wider.
Even without the internship, I would have found myself partaking on a nomadic existence to be Jake and Abby’s nanny, and in turn, I would have once again been partaking in Rhys’s orbit. While I often could hide away with the kids, the internship forced me to work with the Runaway Train stylist, but more importantly, with the guys of Runaway Train. It was not something I was looking forward to.
Glancing out the bus window, I watched as we pulled into the CenturyLink Center in Omaha for tonight’s show. Balancing Jax on my lap, I finished washing off his face from the baby cereal he’d had. Across from me, Jake was doing the same thing to Jules. While we had been feeding the twins, Abby had been getting ready to go on stage for rehearsals as soon as we got in.
She came out of the bedroom dressed and ready just as the bus eased to a stop. Since Omaha was just a one-night stop, we wouldn’t be staying in a hotel room. The twins would be shuttled back and forth between the arena and the bus. It was hard, but somehow we all made it work.
The bus door opened, and Dustin, one of the bodyguards, hopped on. “You guys ready?”
“I think so.” When Abby began glancing frantically around, I said, “Everything for the twins is packed. They’re all taken care of.”
She gave me an appreciative smile. “Thank you, Allison.” She then took Jules from Jake. “Can you get their stuff, babe?”
“Sure,” Jake replied, a little less than enthusiastically.
We then exited the bus with Jax in my arms, Jules in Abby’s, and Jake loaded down with paraphernalia for the twins. “Remind me why there’s not a roadie doing this shit?” Jake grumbled, as we made our way into the arena.
“Because in real life, parents with twins don’t have roadies to schlep their stuff,” Abby replied.
“Blows for them,” he replied.
I’m not sure how Abby managed to stay so positive in the face of a grueling tour and raising two infants on a tour bus. I know she didn’t have a choice because she was not the type of mom to leave her kids behind, but at the same time, it exhausted me most days, and I was just watching the twins, not giving my heart and soul each night on stage as well.
Because of all of the Runaway Train children, there was always one room designated just for them to be during rehearsals and the shows, especially for the times when we didn’t have hotel rooms. When we got inside, we found Mia and Lily already there. Jake happily sat down the baby saucers next to one of the couches. Just as Abby and I got the twins settled in the saucers, a technician appeared in the doorway. “We’re ready for Jacob’s Ladder.”
“I’ll be right there,” Abby called over her shoulder. She then focused her attention on her son and daughter. “Bye, my angels. I’ll be right back. Okay?” Abby said to the twins. They continued bouncing happily in their saucers.
At Abby’s hesitation, I tried reassuring her. “They’ll be fine.”
“I know. I’m such an idiot to get so worked up over leaving them for half an hour.”
I smiled. “I think it’s more the fact you’re a good mom, instead of an idiot.”
Abby grinned. “I think I like your way of phrasing things better.”
When she hustled out of the room, Jake turned to me. “Hey, where do you want to do the measurements?” he asked. Yesterday when we were on the road, I’d reminded Jake that I needed to get the measurements for Runaway Train and Jacob’s Ladder for my internship. I hadn’t pressed the matter the first week on the road because I wanted to get settled in. He had taken it very seriously and texted all the guys to make sure they were ready for measurements once we rolled into Omaha.
“How about in the dressing room?”
He bobbed his head. “Sounds good. I’ll get the guys together and be there in ten. Okay?”
“Sounds good. I’ll just run back to the bus to get my stuff.”
“Make sure Dustin or Ed goes with you.”
I fought the urge to roll my eyes at his overprotectiveness. “I will. And thanks for being so understanding about my internship.”
Leaning over, he ruffled the top of my head. “Anything for you, Allie-Bean.”
Bile rose in my throat at the mention of the nickname—the very one Rhys had called me. Of course, I couldn’t say anything to Jake about it. Sometimes it was exhausting keeping up a façade around Jake and the others, especially when Rhys was around.
With Mia and Lily keeping an eye on the twins, I headed back to the bus with Ed, the hulking bodyguard, in tow. Once I had all the materials I would need, we made our way back into the arena. I could hear the opening of Jacob’s Ladder’s rehearsal as we weaved through the chaotic backstage area.
When I got to Runaway Train’s dressing room, I found only Jake and Brayden. “Where are the other guys?”
Jak
e scowled. “Good fucking question. I just texted them where to be.”
Up the hall, the sound of Gloria Estefan’s Conga blared out of the room where the kids were. Jake and I exchanged a look. “I think we know where AJ is,” Jake said.
I giggled. “Yeah, that has him written all over it. Of course, it doesn’t hurt that all the kids are eighties fans.”
Brayden’s brows scrunched in confusion. “Since when does he listen to Cuban music?”
Jake grunted. “Since your kids and his are eighties fans and they wear out that Greatest 80s Hits CD.”
With a grin, Brayden replied, “Oh yeah, I forgot about that.”
Pointing his finger at me, Jake said, “I’ll go get AJ, and you can find Rhys.”
“No, no, that’s all right. I’ll grab AJ, and I’m sure Rhys will show up,” I quickly replied. The last thing on earth I wanted to do was try to hunt Rhys down. Before Jake could argue with me, I dipped out into the hallway.
When I opened the door to the kids’ room, I couldn’t help laughing. Jude, Melody, and Bella were all encircling AJ while dancing around. AJ had Gaby in his arms and was putting down some serious moves. Even Jax and Jules were bouncing wildly in their saucers at the music.
At the sight of me, AJ began singing along, “Come on shake your body, baby, do the conga. I know you can’t control yourself any longer.” With his free hand, he motioned for me to join them.
I held up my hands. “Uh, no, I don’t think so.”
After handing Gaby off to Jude, he then whisked me into his arms before I could protest anymore and then danced me around the room. “No one can say no to the conga,” he replied, when he dipped me.
I giggled. “You’re very persuasive.”
“Dance wif me, Daddy!” Bella cried behind us.
“Sorry to be a party pooper, but I need to get your measurements.”
AJ released me from his arms to smack himself in the forehead. “Shi—I mean, shoot. I totally forgot.”
“It’s okay.”