~
“You live to learn.”
Learn what, and to which end?
Life, a lesson in preparation of nothing.
~
C: “It’s all part of life.”
A: “What, and not part of death?”
C: “Yup, all part of life.”
A: “Oh fuck off.”
~
It’s hard to maintain coherence when all the theories and stories have their differences, which is why it can be easier to just embrace a simple little heuristic: micro-coherence over macro-coherence, wherein instead of rectifying all ones little methods for intervening with the world with a grand narrative of truth, you can simply work with the cognitive dissonance and incommensurability and say, it’s fine, whatever works, even if it doesn’t gel together. You will drive yourself mad if you try to bend every thought into a coherent whole. What is an example? Physics that concerns itself only with the math and not saving the appearances, or what is intuitive and commonsensical. Or, the way there aren’t always cognates for things constructed and observed in psychology as opposed to brain sciences, for example scratching in the brain but not finding the ego or a memory from age 6, in any way that could be compared to how these things can be interacted with when talking to someone. Or, the difference between using software to explore your files, or mentally trying to reconstruct what bits mean by looking at a hard drive under a microscope, there is an overlapping reality to these things, but only one method is really effective, although, the other is probably not impossible. Or, understanding other people in terms of their own terms, stories, culture, and what have you, instead of assuming or forcing some default position that is not only quite beside the point, but which might cause harm. If someone puts a line of salt on the windowsill for protection against spirits, that’s fine, if it makes them feel better, then it is clearly working. The point is that everything makes assumptions about how the world is and people are, and you can’t always work around this, you first have to recognize that there are unreframable, un-coherent-makeable, unintegratable differences between people and ways of thinking, or even within yourself, because then you can start to think of these things a little like speaking different languages, each one has a use and a context that is different, and each has elements which just doesn’t carry over well to other languages, but the thing is you can understand this and appreciate it, you can flow between incommensurable rifts not only without losing your mind, but you can be better off for it.
~
C: “What do philosophers even do all day?”
B: “They read a lot and assert themselves, disagree, and practice the fine art of one-upmanship.”
C: “And you?”
B: “I’m just a scavenger looking for scraps to weave into a quilt that will keep me warm and shielded in my terrors.”
~
B: “Everyone seems more ‘with it’ than me.”
A: “Oh, so you’ve noticed. That’s progress!”
~
P: “Fancy a morsel for the end of the world, or at least just yours?”
A: “Sure, why not?”
~
Hah! How virtues scatter when there’s loot to be had.
~
C: “Ah, but you seem like such a stable person.”
B: “You have no idea how much dissociation it takes to keep it all together.”
~
C: “Well shit, if life is so damn bad, why don’t you just end it already?”
B: “What, and give you the satisfaction? Hah! No, fuck, but I get you though. Honestly? Yeah, I’m pretty much running on stubbornness, and spite at the moment. Oh and you know what, also new seasons of shows I like, and uh.. the sequels to a couple games. So, yeah, there’s that. Oh and wait, there’s this thing Cioran says, uh.. when you kill yourself, you always do it too late. Or something like that. So.. basically it’s not worth the bother.”
C: “Fucking hypocrite.”
B: * shrugs * “Eh, I contain multitudes, what ya gon do?”
~
“And thou shalt call things by their proper names.” ‘Tis thence whence I dub this, and many other things, by their right name, which is nonsense.
~
* A and C together one late Thursday afternoon at the usual park bench *
C: “Who are you to say everything is so bad, when you’re clearly well off. I mean there’s so many people out there, hell, even in my own family, that have it a lot worse than you do. No seriously, who do you think you are?”
A: “Who am I? I am an unnecessary ass is what. I mean.. I’ve thought about it, and you’re right it’s really not the worst for me, I concede to this absolutely, however..”
C: “Oh here we go, there’s always a but.”
A: “Just hang on.. yeah so, but after thinking about what it is I want in life, and all the things that are possible for me, it becomes clear that all I’m doing is making up for deficiencies, both mine and what’s happening in the world, I’m constantly covering for people’s, frankly unfounded, expectations of me, my drives and those I’ve inherited, they want you and me to go out there and make the best of it, without even always specifying what that means, or showing how it is relevant and coherent. Th..”
C: “OK and… get to a point.”
A: “Alright, sorry, yeah, uh.. in the old system, which is still running all over the world in various states of decay and refurbishment, there was an impetus to respect tradition, to make money, to find someone and have children and provide for them, and teach them the ways of your people, so they can do it again. The world has moved on, people are freer and crazier now, there’s computers and meet ups for every kind of interest and kink imaginable, but still it’s not enough, kids are more depressed than ever, there’s less hope than ever, we can’t even imagine a grand future anymore, everything is just more of the same but bigger and amplified, and I just ask why? Why must we humor such banality, what is the point in escalating the human condition to cosmic expanses all while billions and billions of people do and will suffer under themselves, and we know all this, but despite everything we push those thoughts away and consume and plunder on through as if the game is going anywhere. Just why?
C: “No dude, we’re just made that way, it’s how it works, everybody needs to eat and having children gives life meaning, your best hopes for the future and everybody gets to live on in them and in their children and theirs, you could still live to see grandchildren and enjoy them, and if you raised your kids well, well then, they’ll do well, and if you’re lucky they’ll take care of you when you are old, you know. I don’t see it dude, I think you’re just a depressed nihilistic fuck trying to shove your values, yes your values, because this crap sounds like a whole system on its own, down our throats, and I’m not having it, it’s not for me.”
A: “That’s alright, you don’t need to take me or this or anything seriously, I mean after all, who am I kidding, why even talk this talk, nothing matters? But that’s just it, in the most banal sense, nothing matters, there are thousands of people working in sweat shops for mere cents, they go home to their families, well, if those families aren’t back in the country, still rural and what have you, in which case they probably send money back”
C: “I didn’t come here for a lecture! Get on with it.”
A: “OK, what I’m saying is, what am I saying?”
C: “Oh my fuck!”
A: “WHAT, I’m saying is.. Do those people who toil everyday for years, some their whole lives long, even matter? And, is it fair that, they, most of them, will probably indict their children into similar lives which are not that much better, you know, and just to relate it back to us, what are we doing here? Why am I bothering to say any of this. My hope is just that if we realize the banality of life and the arbitrariness of suffering and how every pleasure is just a temporary negation or alleviation of pain, then we can recognize it for what it is instead of playing pretend, living around things, we can do something abo
ut it. Knowing the faults, whether it is ethical or not to bring someone else into a life full of inherent needless sufferings, that we can at least be better in this moment, surpass the worst in ourselves and to use every cliché, be the change we want to see. This opens the space for interesting things to happen, and for certain questions to shake up how we live and the ground of everything we think we know, or feel is still ignorable without consequences. There are no gods, there is nothing after death, there is no free will, people act for them and theirs and will trample whoever is in the way to get their way, the world is dying under us, but despite all this, if we must live, which is not necessarily always the best and necessary option”
C: * left already a minute ago *
A: “then we might as well do it facing the reality of it all, accepting it, working with it, trying to make every moment as bearable and sometimes even beautiful as it can go. We don’t need to suffer more than we have to. There might be no scientific reality to our morality but that does not inhibit us from.. from creating beauty free of unnecessary cruelty and horror, and thereby, showing and sharing solidarity for all who must endure life. There might not be any reasons to really get out of bed, if you have one, but you pluck purposes from the air, online, in public, even if that’s just being at the right place and time to honk at someone who’s about to get into an accident. There’s no logic to any of this of course, but that’s just it, there doesn’t have to be, you can’t help but be human. Life goes on despite everything, until it doesn’t, you can either cry about it, die, or humor something for a moment and move on.”
A: * looking at pigeon with one foot, and only one toe left on the other foot * “Pigeon understands.”
~
“If you were mine, I’d beat you too.”
~
A: “Jo dude, you have over 533 hours playing just superflight, what is wrong with you?”
B: “What? Don’t judge me, I use it to read, I don’t have the attention span to read like normal people, so to stop from getting fidgety and picking at myself, I play that while the text-to-speech is going.”
~
Druggy: “Dude.. Course you can’t see the point, you’re just not high enough.”
A: “Maybe, or maybe you just haven’t looked low enough.”
Druggy: “Duuuuude!”
~
No, I never meant it like that.
How did you even get there?
Look, I’m sorry anyway.
* days and days *
~
P: “People tell you everything you need to know,
if you listen right, there’s no need for questions, it’s about how you make them feel.”
A: “Ah, but in me it’s all washed out with grey and static, at once I’m feeling nothing and altogether too much. How will I relate to another, when I to myself am other?”
D: “Feeling is a science and there are ways to tell, but you’ll need to learn them, if for you, they do not intuit well.”
P: “Yes, but people are smarter than that, they will see you, and deal to you as if you were a sponge, because you are not real, even to them. This is known.”
A: “But do I want to know? All I want is to complete what is next, I’ve no need for a laugh and show.”
B: “You must surely be lonely, no?”
A: “At times, but not as much as before. For now as ever, I keep my soul locked behind a door.”
P: “That’s not healthy, you need to be human.
Breathe the air, find something to share.”
A: “I am empty, there is nothing in me left to ensnare, in the fabric of sociality. I’ll enjoy something static, and bring it to life in me, but that is it. Just like all of you, in my own way, I cannot handle reality.”
~
Article of Alterity in Human Form: “Are you okay?”
Id: “I was once.”
* Forcefully Redacted By Superego *
Ego: “sorry, id doesn’t mean it. It’s fine. Thank You. And you?”
~
Voice message from God: “Hey, uhmm, listen.. *sniff* I’m really really sorry. ok? I’ll make it up to you. All of you, every last one.”
Text Reply: “Too little too late.”
* All in his plan, even this. *
~
Why must it always be the case that hurt people are drawn to more severely damaged people, and use them like a confessional and/or emotional urinal? It’s like they recognize your anguish and make you carry theirs too.
~
The Start of the end: Discovering the first grey ball hair at the ripe young age of 22.
~
C: “So, where did you go this past holiday?”
A: “I fetched mail from the mailbox in front of my house.”
C: “Oh.”
A: “You?”
C: “We went to the Seychelles, and we... and.. then.. and he… but then she..”
A: “Ah, I see.”
~
Voice in the emptiness: “Pull yourself up by the bootstraps man!”
Baron Münchhausen: * slowly sinking into a deep muddy mire * “I fucking can’t!”
~
— Playing 7 Days to Die in single player mode with the zombies turned off (and soft blocks too)
— Mining long after your chests have run over with abundance
— Not abandoning the chicken coup after some days and a few consecutive stacks of seed
— Switching to creative mode after automation made everything overly redundant
— Starting a survival mode world again from scratch out of boredom with the old one
— Playing a Far Cry game long after the story line, with everything unlocked and the best guns
— Grinding to get a better paint job on whatever it is
— Living for a loot crate item you don’t already have
— Playing TF2 for the Hats and Slides
— Counter-Strike for the sake of Counter-Strike
— Playing to get your Kill/Death-Ratio higher, or at least above 1.
— Playing procedurally generated puzzles or challenges.
— Collecting your stuff after a respawn.
— Rage quitting, getting bored after 5 minutes, starting the game again.
— Causing chaos, and, flying and driving around after everything interesting is done in the Just Causes, Watch Dogs, GTAs, Sleeping Dogs, and Saints Rows.
— Replaying (Morrowwind,) Skyrim and Oblivion over a 120 hours or so, for the 7th time.
— Playing Superflight, Goat Mechanic, or Slime Rancher.
**
When playing role-playing games, often, the last thing one thinks to attend to is the main quest.
**
Video games are not just for children, seriously. Wait until a 55 year old woman, playing an MMORPG, tells you about her life’s state of decrepitude following her second divorce, and how games were an out; or a 47 year old debt collector about how he rents a game server for a clan he keeps and how the lot of them all just generally enjoy gaming on the weekends. It can be sad it can be fine, it’s something people do, it can be fun, or it can be a reason to stay alive. What it isn’t, is a joke or something you need to be “weened off of,” burn that archaic notion you old fuck.
~
B: “Well, I’m not depressed, you?”
A: “Oh no no, huh-uh, no. No, no, it’s quite alright.”
C: “You sure?”
A: “hmm, oh yeah, yeah, why wouldn’t I be?”
C: “You don’t sound super certain.”
A: “Do I? Well, I assure you there’s nothing to worry about.”
C: “You know even if you’re not, you know, depressed, you can always talk to someone.”
A: “Uh-huh.”
B: * slightly uncomfortable * “Well, it’s been real fellas.”
* A hung himself on the front porch 3 weeks later *
~
That one should still seek to put a printed label on the tin of resignati
on.
~
C: “What, no. I don’t suffer all the time. How could you say life is suffering?”
Morsels for the Depressed, Depraved, Pessimistic, and Otherwise Declining Page 11