by Henry Miller
Something simple, I said. I don’t want a fantastic story.
Listen, Hen, this is no lie: I know she loves you. I can’t explain how I know, but I do.
That’s good, I said. Tell me a little more.
The last time I saw her I tried to pump her about you. She pretended to be absolutely indifferent. But I could tell she was dying to hear about you…
What I’d like to know, I broke in, is this: has she taken up with someone else?
There is somebody, Hen, I can’t deny that. But it’s nothing to worry about. He’s just a fill-in.
What’s his name?
Carnahan or something like that. Forget about bun! What worries Una is the widow. That hurt her, you know.
She can’t know very much about that!
She knows more than you think. Where she gets it, I don’t know. Anyway, her pride’s hurt.
But I’m not going with the widow any more, you know that.
Tell it to her! says George.
I wish I could.
Hen, why don’t you make a clean breast of it She’s big enough to take it.
I can’t do it, George. I’ve thought and thought about it, but I can’t screw up the courage.
Maybe I can help you, said George.
I sat up with a bang. You think so? Really? Listen, George, I’d swear my life away to you if you could patch it up. I know she’d listen to you … When are you going back?
Not so fast, Hen. Remember, it’s an old sore. I’m not a wizard.
But you’ll try, you promise me that?
Of course, of course. Fratres Semper!
I thought hard and fast for a few moments, then I said: I’ll write her a letter tomorrow, saying I’m with you and that we’ll both be back soon. That might prepare the way.
Better not, said George promptly. Better spring a surprise on her. I know Una.
Maybe he was right. I didn’t know what to think. I felt elated and depressed at the same time. Besides, there was no prodding him into quick action.
Better go to sleep, said George. We’ve got lots of time to hatch up something.
I’d go back tomorrow, if I could get you to go with me.
You’re crazy, Hen. I’m still convalescing. She won’t get married in a hurry, if that’s what’s eating you up.
The very thought of her marrying someone else petrified me. Somehow I had never visualized that. I sank back on the pillow like a dying man. I actually groaned with anguish.
Hen…
Yes?
Before I go to sleep I want to tell you something … You’ve got to stop taking this so seriously. Sure, if we can patch it up, fine! I’d like nothing better than to see you get her. But you won’t if you let it get under your skin. She’s going to make you miserable just as long as she can. That’s her way of getting back at you. She’s going to say No because you expect her to say No. You’re off balance. You’re licked before you start … If you want a bit of advice, I’d say drop her for a while. Drop her cold. It’s a risk, certainly, but you’ve got to take it. As long as she’s got the upper hand you’re going to dance like a puppet. No woman can resist doing that. She’s not an angel, even if you like to think she is. She’s a swell-looking girl and she’s got a big heart. I’d marry her myself, if I thought I stood a chance … Listen, Hen, there’s plenty to pick from. For all you know, there may even be better ones than Una. Have you ever thought of that?
You’re talking drivel, I replied. I wouldn’t care if she were the worst bitch in creation … she’s the one I want—and no one else.
O.K., Hen, it’s your funeral. I’m going to sleep…
I lay awake a long while, revolving all manner of memories. They were delicious thoughts, filled with Una’s presence. I was certain George would patch it up for me. He liked to be coaxed, that was all. Through a slit in the window-shade I could see a brilliant blue star. Seemed like a good omen. I wondered, calf-like, is she were also lying awake mooning about me. I concentrated all my powers, hoping to wake her if she were asleep. Under my breath I softly called her name. It was such a beautiful name. It suited her perfectly.
Finally I began to doze. The words of an olden song came to my lips…
I wonder as I wander out under the sky
How Jesus our Saviour did come for to die
For poor orn’ry people like you and like I
I wonder as I wander out under the sky.
Forget all about her? How easy to say that! I could never, never forget Una, not even if I lived to have nine wives and forty-six children. George was really a sap. He would never know what it was to he in love—he was too clear-headed. I made up my mind to find out all about that guy Carnahan as soon as I got back. Taking no chances. I wondered some more as I wandered out under the sky. Then blotto—like a sheet of lead falling.
The next day it rained. We cooped ourselves up in the barn the whole day, playing one game after another—euchre, whist, backgammon, checkers, dominoes, lotto, parchesi … We even played jacks. Towards evening George suggested that we try out the organ which was in the parlor. It was an ancient, wheezy contraption, just made for melancholy hymns. George and I took turns playing. We sang with full lungs, lustily, like Christian martyrs. Our favorite, which we jazzed up finally, was—Will There be any Stars in my Crown? Herbie could sing it to perfection, with tears in his eyes. His mother, never dreaming that we were clowning it, came in, took a seat in the corner, and murmured now and then: How beautiful!
Finally the old man appeared. He too joined in the singing. Said it made him feel good. Hoped we boys would continue to live and act like good Christians. At dinner he thanked God for having inspired us to sing His praises so beautifully. He thanked Him heartily for all the blessings He had showered on them throughout the years.
It was a smoked tenderloin of pork this time, with sauerkraut and mashed potatoes, red cabbage, boiled onions, apple sauce and stewed pears. For dessert we had a cheese cake which was still warm. And, of course, the usual glass of milk rich with cream.
Oddly enough, the old man was talkative for a change. He had been reading a book, the same book, for over a year now. It was called In Tune with the Infinite. He wondered if George or I had ever read it. George avoided the issue, but gave me a sidelong glance which meant—Take the lead!
Since we had to talk, I felt we might just as well make an evening of it on a subject dear to the old man’s heart. I began by pretending that I wasn’t certain I had understood everything the author meant to convey. The old man was pleased by this show of modesty. He probably had understood very little himself, if the truth were known.
I had a friend once. I began, who could explain all manner of things. He carried this very book about with him night and day, wherever he went. George knows who I mean, don’t you George?
Sure, says George, you mean Abercrombie.
(There was no such person, of course.)
Yes, that’s the name.
He lisped a bit, didn’t he? said George.
No, he limped.
The old man signalled to get on with the story. He didn’t care what the man’s name was nor whether he limped or stuttered.
I met him out in California, about three years ago, it was. He was studying to be a minister of the gospel then. I say then, because he discovered a gold mine shortly after we met and he forgot all about God pretty quick.
Didn’t he meet with an accident? says George.
No, that was his brother—or his half-brother, rather.
The old man didn’t relish George’s interruptions, I could see that plainly. I decided to make haste.
It was at the edge of the Mojave Desert we happened to meet, I continued. I had been looking for a job with the borax people. Abercrombie says to me: ‘You don’t want a job, Henry, what you need is to find God. I’ve come to help you.’ He called me Henry, mind you, though I had never told him my name. He says: ‘I had a dream about you back in Barstow the other night. I knew you were in trouble, s
o I came just as quickly as I could.’ His talk made me just a little uneasy. I had never before met anyone who had second sight or who could communicate telepathically. I thought at first he might be spoofing me. But he was dead serious, as I soon discovered.
You say he had this book with him? the old man asked, looking somewhat puzzled.
Yes sir … it was by Ralph Waldo Trine, wasn’t it?
That’s right, said the old man. Go on now, I’m interested.
I hardly know where to begin, I faltered. Seems like so many things happened at once.
Take your time, said the old man, this is very interesting indeed. Mom, let’s have some more of that coffee, will you—and another cut of cheese cake.
I was glad to have a breather because I actually didn’t know what was coming next. I had started a story without any idea of how it would end. I had expected George Marshall to fill in, to help me over the humps.
As I was saying, we were alone out there in the desert. He had come to me in the middle of the night, and he was standing there talking to me as if he had known me all his life. In fact, I might say that he seemed to know me better than my most intimate friends. He kept saying, ‘You’re in trouble, let me help you.’ Now the strange thing is I didn’t know I was in trouble, not any special trouble, at any rate. All I wanted was a job, and that wasn’t so difficult. But the next day I realized that he knew what he was talking about, because in the afternoon I got a telegram from a friend of mine saying my mother was very ill and that I should return at once. I didn’t have more than a couple of dollars in my pocket. Of course, Abercrombie knew what was in the telegram—I didn’t have to read it aloud to him. ‘What’ll I do?’ I says, and he answers: ‘Get down on your knees and pray!’ So I got down, and he got down too, right beside me, and we prayed a long time. I immediately felt better, I must say. It was as though a load had been lifted off me. That very evening a stranger knocked at our door. He was a cattle man from Wyoming. He wanted to know if we could put him up for the night. Well, we got to talking and before long he too knew all about my circumstances. We went to bed and the next morning this stranger pulls me aside. ‘How much would it take to get you back home?’ he asks me straight off. I was flabbergasted. I didn’t know what to say. ‘Here, take this,’ he says, and he shoves two bills in my hand. They were two fifty dollar bills. ‘I guess that’ll see you through,’ he says, giving me a warm, friendly smile. I’ll pay you back as soon as
I can,’ I said gratefully. ‘Don’t worry about that, son,’ he says, ‘I’ve got more than I need. Take it and give it to somebody else in need when the time comes.’
When he left, Abercrombie says to me: Your prayer was answered. Never doubt again. I’m going back to Barstow. If you’re ever in need again, send for me.’
‘But where and how?’ I asked.
‘Send out a call, that’s all. I’ll get it wherever you are. Just believe.’
About six months later I was in trouble again. This time over a woman. I was desperate. And then suddenly I remembered Abercrombie’s words, and I sent out a call. Three days later he showed up at my home—all the way from Colorado.
The old man leaned forward, his elbows on the table, his head buried in his hands. That is remarkable, Henry, he said. And did he help you the second time?
He did indeed, I answered. I didn’t have to do a thing, except pray. This time, when he left, Abercrombie says to me: ‘You’ll never have to send for me again, Henry. By now you must realize that it is not I who has the power but God. Trust in Him and your prayers will be answered. I’ll probably never see you again—but I’ll always be near you, in spirit.’ And I never did see him again. But, as he said, I know he’s always near. I’d know it if he were to die. for instance.
Well, George, says the old man, what have you to say for yourself? Did you ever have an experience like that?
No, says George, but I’d like to ask Hen a question. He turned to me with a perfectly straight face, and said: Isn’t it true, Hen, that this Abercrombie was a jail-bird once?
(Pure invention, of course, but I had to take it up.)
Yes, I replied, he had been m prison for ten years on a charge of manslaughter. I never knew whether he was guilty or not.
But how did he happen to commit the crime?
I had to think fast.
He was convicted of killing a man in self-defense. There were no witnesses.
But didn’t Abercrombie have a strange reputation—before the killing?
Ye-e-s, I admitted, not knowing what George’s next move might be.
Did it ever strike you, Hen, that Abercrombie was a bit queer? I don’t mean crazy, but he must have had a loose tile. Didn’t you tell me once that he believed he could fly?
Yes, he did say that—once. But he never repeated it. He wasn’t boasting, either, when he said it. He was telling me of the extraordinary powers God sometimes grants us mortals when we have need of His protection. That isn’t so queer, is it?
Maybe not, Hen … but there were other things.
Like what?
You said he could see in the dark, like a cat, that he heard things other people couldn’t possibly hear, that he had a phenomenal memory. I think you said once that he claimed to have two fathers. What did he mean by that?
This last really stumped me. I had to admit I couldn’t answer the question.
Listen, Hen, there were a lot of things about Abercrombie that were shady. I never said anything at the time, because you believed in him so implicitly. You said before that he discovered a gold mine. Are you dead sure of that?
No, I said, I heard that from his half-brother.
Who was a notorious liar, says George quickly. The old man signified that he wasn’t taking kindly to George’s grilling.
But Hen’s gullible, George insisted. He believes anything and everything.
Belief is God-like, said the old man curtly. But it’s got to be within reason, said George. One can’t believe anything and everything!
George, said the old man, you’re like your father. You’re a doubting Thomas.
Now, now, said George’s aunt, don’t say things like that!
I will too! said the old man, thumping the table with his fist. George’s father is a good man, but he has no faith. He never did have any—not an ounce. He’ll die in sin, like he was born. The old man’s wrath was rising. He’s been good to me, said George stubbornly, not because he cared about his father, but just to make the old man angrier.
That doesn’t matter, said the old man, it’s his duty to treat you right, he deserves no credit for that. What is he doing for God? That’s what I want to know.
George couldn’t answer that. The old man continued to rant and rail. His wife tried to calm him down but succeeded only in fanning his ire. These bursts of temper obviously took the place of a good souse.
I don’t know what would have happened had not little Herbie had an inspiration. Suddenly he began to sing—one of those sweet, sticky Christian hymns which make the tears flow. He sang like an angel, with eyes closed, and in a falsetto voice. We were all so astounded no one dared say a word. When he had finished, he leaned forward, bowed his head, and murmured a prayer. He begged God to restore peace and harmony in the bosom of the family, to forgive his father for losing his temper, to ease his mother’s burdens, and finally with great sanctimoniousness, to look after cousin George who had been grievously stricken. When he lifted his face the tears were streaming down his cheeks.
The old man was visibly moved. Apparently Herbie had never put on an act like this before.
You’d better go to bed now, son, he said, his voice quivering. Tomorrow I’m going to get you that bicycle you’ve been asking for.
Bless you, father, said Herbie. And you, too, mother. May God keep us all and preserve us from harm!
I noticed that his mother looked rather apprehensive.
You’re not ill, are you, Herbie? she inquired solicitously.
No, ma, I’
m just fine.
Well, have a good sleep, she said, and don’t worry too much.
George, said the old man, putting his arm around George’s shoulder, forgive my hasty words. Your father is a good man. He’ll find his way to God some day.
We’re all sinners before the Lord, said Herbie. I was beginning to find it difficult to keep a straight face.
Let’s take a little walk before we turn in, I suggested.
You go straight to bed, said the old man to Herbie. It’s getting late.
Outside George and I started walking rapidly towards the river. When we got a convenient distance away from the house we exploded with laughter.
That little Herbie’s a comedian, I said. I don’t know how the hell I managed to keep a straight face.
He sure knows how to take the lead, said George. I wonder if Kitty’s still up? he added impulsively.
Jesus, don’t let’s try that! I cautioned. It’s too late.
You never know, says George. I’d like to twine my fingers around that rose-bush before going to bed, wouldn’t you?
I’d like a good drink, if you ask me, said I.
That’s an idea. Let’s go to the caboose and see what’s there.
We took the long way around, skirting Kitty’s house. The lights were out, but George insisted on giving the signal—two low whistles—just in case. If she’s not dead to the world, said George, she’ll sneak out and follow us. We strolled leisurely to the caboose.
We put the lantern on the stove, opened the flask which still contained a few drops, and sat there with ears cocked.
You’re taking a hell of a chance, George. You can get twenty years for this.
If I could only get it in, he replied, it would be worth it.
You can have her. I said, I’m clearing out.
Don’t do that, Hen. Wait a few minutes and I’ll go with you.
I waited a few minutes, then got up. Maybe she’s down by the bridge, waiting for us, said George.
We strolled down to the bridge. Sure enough, there she was. Oh, George, she cried, I thought you’d never come. She flung her arms about him passionately. I walked away, saying I’d keep watch. I stood at the cross-roads for almost a half-hour. I had doused the lantern, of course. The fool! I thought to myself. He won’t be happy until he knocks her up. Finally I heard them coming. Well, any luck this time? I asked, after we had seen Kitty off.