Bearded Man
An eye-catching beard is often the only recourse to distract from male-pattern balding. See, I do have hair, just not on my head! But Edwin Smith, a 19th-century gold-rush miner, had hair just about everywhere. At its peak (and we don’t mean widow’s), his beard alone was 8 feet long. Rubbing it like a philosopher must have given him an awful lot of time to think.
Don’t Be so Sensitive
In the book The Big Book of Gross Stuff by Bart King, there is a woman whose skin is so reactive, she can draw pictures on it. She then sells the photographs she takes of the drawings she scratches into her skin, and apparently people hang them up on their wall as art. Guess art really is in the eye of the beholder (or, in this case, the skin of the maker).
“Best by” Date is a Personal Opinion
Think you’re fearless because you willingly eat foods that have passed their expiration date? In a study, 64 percent of women say they’ve done it. (We’re guessing men do it all the time, either without realizing or admitting to it.) Guess you weren’t quite as adventurous as you thought the last time you chugged down that O.J. from last winter. Maybe it’s time to start dusting off that hang glider instead.
Useful Poop
Why waste a good patch of marsupial poop? In Australia, a company makes roo poo paper out of it.
Flinging Feces
If your principal gives you a suspension for misbehavior, count your blessings. A Canadian principal once threw poop at a problematic student. Um, that is just so not okay. (The principal got a suspension—a long one, called “an absolute discharge”—kind of like what she threw?—but last we heard, she was being officially pardoned.
Don’t Stop ’Til You Drop (Dead)
Some nicotine addicts forced to breathe through a stoma have opted to smoke cigarettes through it instead.
IN THE KNOW
Stoma: an opening in the neck made for patients to breathe through during throat cancer surgery.
Look Me up When I’m Gone
Mydeathspace.com is a real site where you can find up-to-the minute news on people who died. The main gimmick is that the site syncs up the obits with social media profiles. Outpourings of grief and messages to the dead are stored in their pages as ongoing interactive memorials.
IN THE KNOW
Obits: (abbrev. for obituary) a brief article about someone who recently died; a death notice
Stretch that Neck
If you don’t know what it is, rubbernecking sounds kind of gross all on its own. But it actually means craning your neck to see the wreckage of a car accident or some other gruesome sight. With their heads turned to the side, the gore gawkers tend to slow down their cars, so the traffic piles up not because of the accident itself, but because of the viewers intent on taking in the grisly scene.
Bon Voyage!
Here’s an unusual gift idea for that hard-to-please person on your Christmas list—a cruise on a private yacht out to sea (after he or she has died). If the person is taking the final voyage unattended (by family and friends), it’ll only set you back $150 at California company Burials at Sea, and they’ll even throw in a video or photographs for those who stay behind. For a little more money, the deceased can take along a party of 12 on that final voyage. After the drop-off, they’ll get to visit an island off the coast of L.A. to catch the sunset before the return cruise (for everyone but the guest of honor, that is).
Step right up and take a whiff of flowers that smell like dead bodies, learn the truth about honey (it’s vomit), and take a bite out of edible utensils. It’s all part of the freak show in the perverse circus of oddities and grossology. You’ll wish you couldn’t believe your eyes…
Is that a Rigor Mortis I Smell?
Ahhh, nothing like the beautiful smell of fresh flowers to cheer you up—unless, of course, you’re sticking your whiffer into a corpse flower, which really does have the odor of a dead body. The name alone should give you a hint to steer clear, unless you only hear it called by its official designation: Amorphophallus titanium. If you know Greek, you might guess that means “giant misshapen penis,” and you’d be right. The smell for sore noses was later renamed titan arum, which sounded a bit more proper. The next time you smell a dead body, it’s more likely a real one than a plant that smells like one, since the corpse flower by any name is a finicky plant that’s tricky to grow; you’re not all that likely to run into one.
Decorative Geckos
If you found a bug or spider in your hotel room, you might not be pleased, but presumably you wouldn’t freak out, either. But how about a gecko? Or maybe you’re not sure what a gecko is. A gecko is a small chirping lizard that lives in warm climates and can climb walls and even ceilings, thanks to tiny suction cups built into its feet. These suckers are commonplace in certain countries, like Madagascar and Brazil, and can be found in warm regions of the United States. And watch out—nocturnal and known to let go without warning. Free-falling geckos at midnight! They are, however, harmless and eat pests such as mosquitoes. So if one lands on your head just as you’re nodding off, remember things could be worse. (See Home Away from Home)
It’s Not the Bee’s Knees
You might be disgusted by the level of insect carcasses that the FDA tolerates in food, but did you ever stop to think that honey comes out of a bee’s stomach? Yes, that delicious syrup you pour in your tea is technically vomit.
Skunk Cabbage (Symplocarpus foetidus)
In the swamplands of eastern North America, you’ll find the putrid-smelling plant that got its name from the striped omnivore famous for its pungent spray. Can you believe its pollinators are actually attracted to the smell of the skunk cabbage? It does make sense, however, when you think of the party insects throw when you leave out a piece of rotting fruit. We eat regular cabbage but what about the stinky kind? Parts of the root and early leaves are edible for humans, but they need to be dried out thoroughly and then cooked. All of which probably falls into the “don’t try this at home” category.
IN THE KNOW
Omnivore: an animal that eat both plants and animals
IN THE KNOW
Pollinators: the insects that help with fertilization by spreading pollen from a flower’s male parts to its female parts
Feeling Prickly
Beware of barberry bushes—they’re awfully prickly, as Jens Jensen can tell you. He fell into one once and came out with a few thorns—exactly 32,131. Glad we didn’t have to help him pull those out.
Jurassic Retch
Vomit is biodegradable, so it doesn’t usually stick around for long. But in one case, it stuck around for a little while—160 million years, to be (sort of) exact. In 2002, English paleontologists found fossilized dinosaur vomit. (“Fossilized Dinosaur Vomit”—there’s a good gross band name for you to add to the list! see Farts & Culture, pg. 217!)
Be an Expert! The fossilized vomit found by paleontologists was full of a kind of shellfish called belemnites.
I’m so Hungry, I Could Eat a Fork
Why stop at eating the food on your utensils? Why not make a clean sweep of it and eat the utensils themselves? At a university in the Midwest, a group of students came up with the idea of turning oats into edible utensils for an Entrepreneurship Immersion program. They call the products “Greenolies,” and they won $4,500 for the innovation.
It’s Gettin’ Hot in the Barnyard
Greenhouse gases are a major threat to life on Earth. We all know cars and factories are major polluters, but did you know that Old Bessie is doing her share of releasing methane into the atmosphere? And not by excessive flatulence, as is commonly thought. Every year, gassy bovines belch out 100 million tons of hydrocarbons.
We know you were too embarrassed to ask your French exchange student, but yes, it’s true that in France and other parts of Europe they have bidets—little bathtubs to wash their private parts. In some parts of the world, it’s okay to burp during a meal. Certain tribes in South America keep dead relatives in their a
ttic. People really do eat scorpions, earthworms, grasshoppers, jellyfish, and even cockroaches (for more on this, see Bizarre Cuisine). If nothing else, traveling around the world will get you outside your comfort zone. In some cases, light years away.
Pig Everlasting
The world’s oldest tree, longest-living dog, or most ancient dinosaur fossil…these all seem like fairly honorable distinctions. But world’s oldest ham? Yes, indeed. This celebrated hind leg is on display at the Isle of Wight County Museum in the U.K. The gammon was cured in 1902, set aside, forgotten about for 20 years, then rediscovered and taken on tour as a famous “pet” ham. It’s still going strong today. That swine sure has staying power!
Bottom’s up, Literally
The Yanomami of South America say, “Bottom’s up” in memory of dead relatives by drinking a cocktail of banana juice mixed with their ashes. The hope is that the good attributes of the deceased will pass on to the living.
Did You Know? Frozen-meat stocked vending machines are commonplace in Tokyo, Japan. “Hmmm, do feel like potato chips, cookies, or roast beef today?”
And You Thought Foot and Mouth Disease Was Bad
We’ve all heard of people fighting animals for fun. At least the Saxons who fought horses to death had the decency to do it in the Dark Ages. In Spain, bullfights are quite popular, even today. The third act of the fight is called the tercio de meurte (the “death third”), so it’s no surprise that the gruesome spectacle ends up with one party getting killed—almost always the bull. In the summer of 2010, a bull took revenge on Julio Aparacio (who’d killed hundreds of his relatives) by impaling the matador with his horn. It went directly through Aparacio’s neck and out his mouth. The craziest part is: the matador survived! (We’re not sure about the bull. If he did, too, it probably wasn’t for long.)
Bittersweet
Honey isn’t always sweet. In his Travels in the Interior of Brazil written in the mid-19th century, Scottish botanist George Gardner reports on the 18 different types of honey he came upon, all offered by indigenous people. The Borá honey is described as “acid.” The Mumbúco after an hour “becomes as sour as lemon juice,” and from the Oarití is “blackish…sour, and not good.” When you call someone “sweet as honey,” make sure you’re a good distance away from the Amazon River.
Just a Pinch of Salt
Do you remember the scene in the TV show Seinfeld where Kramer bastes himself in the hot tub after accidentally cooking himself with butter? You, too, can take part in your own soup! Just hop into a garlic-flavored spa bath in Hakone, Japan. You’ll never worry about garlic breath again after a garlic bath leaves your entire body reeking of the stuff.
The Eggs Won’t Be Sunny Side up
You won’t go home hungry after a Bedouin wedding. The main course alone will hold you if you can hold it. It’s a camel stuffed with sheep stuffed with chickens stuffed with fish stuffed with eggs (one inside the other, kind of like those Russian nesting dolls).
The Body in the Attic
In the West, it’s not uncommon to cremate someone and keep their ashes on the mantelpiece. The Murats of North Borneo in East Malaysia have an interesting practice for honoring their dead. They fold dead bodies of relatives into jars and store them on their roofs, drawing liquid off through a bamboo pipe. After a year, they bury the bones, which is all that’s left by that point.
You Don’t Have a Leg to Stand on
Someone once left a stuffed crocodile behind in their hotel room. Kind of hard to forget, don’t you think? Hmm, then again, maybe it’s not as odd as forgetting a prosthetic leg, which, according to hotel proprietors, is quite common. Finding a spare body part must be an unsettling experience for the person who happens upon it, but even stranger for the person who left it behind. “I feel like I’m missing something?” Hop, hop, hop.
Thank You—Burp—Very Much
Junior-high kids the world over will be thrilled to know that it’s sometimes polite to burp at the dinner table. In Japan, it can be a sign that you appreciate the meal. Certain Bedouin tribes are also fond of a respectful belch. So don’t be afraid to slurp and burp.
Paris Down Under
When in Paris, don’t miss the Louvre, Notre Dame, or the Eiffel Tower. And last but not least, the pièce de résistance: a tour of the sewers. They have their own dedicated museum, Le Musée des Égouts de Paris. Don’t get lost in there.
IN THE KNOW
Pièce de résistance: the most important item; the showpiece
Be an Expert! The sewers under Paris play a role in both Les Misérables and Phantom of the Opera.
You’ve Got All the Time in the World
A native tribe in Malaysia takes the expression “no rush” to a whole new level. They wait two decades after a person dies before burying the body.
Slippery Divers
Scuba diving is a popular honeymoon activity for thrill-seekers, but some people took the romance out of deep-sea diving by purposely diving under the gulf oil spill in 2010.
IN THE KNOW
Papadum: a spiced wafer common in India
Did You Know?In India, kissing in public is considered gross. So keep PDA (public displays of affection) to a minimum while chowing down on your papadum.
When in China
In China, it is considered coarse to finish everything on your plate. The host may take that to mean that you are still hungry. So, gobble up the all-you-can-eat dumplings, but leave a little dan dan mein for the patron saint of good manners.
Hop on in
Many cultures consider a frog a mouthwatering item. In Peru and Bolivia, you’ll even find them leaping into juices and smoothies. When you stop to think about it, “all-natural” ingredients casts a rather wide net.
“What a Big Mouth You Have!” “The Better to Taste You with, My Dear.”
In Oegstgeest, Holland you can climb inside a giant mouth in a human body museum. Is that an earthquake? No, it’s just the realistic soundtrack, complete with the sounds of digestion.
Human Body—It Does a Body Good!
The Aztecs had a signature dish with corn and unusual ingredient—man! But don’t heave, plenty of members of the animal kingdom would be happy to have vomit for lunch. (See Lose Your Lunch on Purpose)
Messy Tapas
When in Spain, let the crumbs rain down (along with napkins and any other trash). The restaurant picks it up and does not expect the patrons to help in any way. (After all, you’re probably still tired. It may only have been an hour or so since your last siesta!)
Be an Expert! “Que asco” means “How gross” in Spanish.
Scorpion Stickup
When in Beijing, don’t forget to try a skewered scorpion. They may be toxic little creatures when they’re alive, but not when served up on a stick. (If you’re worried, See Score for Scorpion Lovers)
Be an Expert! You can also sample snake skin and silkworms while touring the capital of China.
Did You Know? Scorpions are found on every continent but Antarctica.
From the world’s biggest wasp to bloodsuckers that target your mouth while you sleep, this is the stuff of which horror movies are made.
Whole Lotta Bugs
Maybe you’re a naturalist who has been a bug fan your whole life, hunting fireflies in the summer, keeping caterpillars through the winter, and stalking roly-polies in the spring. Think you’ve seen, or at least heard, about most bugs? Think again. There are 900,000 unique species of insects on Earth. If you compare the number of different kinds of insects to other species and charted it on a pizza pie, about 61⁄2 slices would be bugs; the remaining slice and a half would be everything else. Anyone feel like ordering a pizza? While you’re eating, take a guess at just how many ACTUAL bugs there are crawling around our planet right now.
Be an Expert! Roly-polies are officially known as Armadillidiidae, but they’re also called pillbugs or potato bugs. They’re not actually insects; they’re crustaceans. And they really can roll up quite neatly into a ball
. Cool! But they also eat poop. Yuck.
Planet of the Roaches
You may have heard that cockroaches landed on the planet before we did, but did you know that they lived it up for a good 200 million years before the earliest humans? These nasty insects are extremely adaptable when it comes to surviving in all but the most extreme conditions (some species have even lasted more than four weeks without eating), so they’re likely to be the last bug standing should another great wave of extinctions occur. They’re resourceful when they lose body parts (see Headless Roachman). Plus, they can move along at a brisk pace of 3 miles an hour, which means, if they could sustain it, they’d easily keep up with you on a stroll through the park. Lucky for us, they scurry out of sight when bigger creatures enter a room or turn on a light. (At least most of them—flying cockroaches are another story all together.)
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