What is Belly Lint Made of?
Well, as the name suggests, there’s lint in there. Dirt creeps in as well, combining with sweat, dead skin cells, and your clothing lint to create that peculiar kind of stored debris. Of course, most of us don’t store it for long. It comes out easily in the bath or shower and you can use a little powder to keep in dry during the day. Then again, there are the rare individuals who choose to save belly-button lint (see Gross Collections).
Did You Know? Hemophilia is a blood disorder in which the blood doesn’t clot. If a hemophiliac gets cut, the blood just keeps pouring out. The word is a little odd in our opinion. It comes from the Greek hemo, meaning “blood,” and philein,“to love.”
“Your skin is the only thing
keeping all of the oozing, pulsating
guts and goop inside you from slopping
into a big wet pile on the ground.”
—BART KING
House of Horrors
Every square inch of human skin is host to 100,000 bacteria. But before you go running to the doctor, keep in mind that most of these are helpful. Either way, though, our skin is literally crawling with parasites.
Did You Know? The Ebola virus is named for the river in Africa in the Democratic Republic of the Congo.
Sour Feet
People always say to make lemonade out of lemons, but what happens after you drink it? Not all the lemonade you guzzle back comes out as pee. Have you ever removed your socks on a hot day to find that they are soaking wet? It turns out your feet can produce a pint of sweat a day. That’s the equivalent of two cups of liquid just from those tired dogs; so on the dog days of summer, make sure you drink up so you don’t get dehydrated. (See Drink Water, Smell Better)
IN THE KNOW
Dogs: (slang) feet, primarily used in the expression “My dogs are tired.”
Did You Know? Need a haircut? Be glad it grows mostly on your head. Until about 100,000 years ago, humans walked around with thick hair all over their bodies (not unlike some other mammals you may have seen).
One and Only You (and Your B.O.)
If you sometimes feel like you’re not very unique, remember that everyone has their own distinct and one-of-a-kind smell. Your dog knows what it is. Let’s make sure your your friends don’t.
Waste Factory
Yes, it’s true, not only does everyone—from peasant to princess—go number two, pretty much everyone has number two inside their body most of the time.
Smelly Belly
If farts and poop smell so bad, and they come out of your body, does that mean the inside of your body…Yep, you guessed it—it smells terrible.
Excuse Me for that Eructation
When in polite company, maybe it’s best to refer to burping by its clinical name of “eructation.” People will be so thrown off by the word choice that they’ll forget the act that preceded it. (Then again, it may be that, like Shakespeare’s rose, “A burp by any other name will smell as bad.” Plus eructation can also refer to the actual substance that shoots back up your throat when you burp. Hmmm, on second thought, maybe you’re better off just burping and not drawing any more attention to the act.)
You might want to remember this poetic apology if you burp in polite company:
“Excuse me, excuse me
from the bottom of my heart.
If it came out the other way,
it would have been a fart.”
Lighten up
Do people ever tell you to lighten up? Tell them you will—when you die. The average cremated body weighs a mere 10 pounds or less.
Be an Expert! An Arab physician named Abulcasis, who died in 1013, was the first person in the medical field to document the symptoms of hemophilia.
THE GROSSOPHILE’S GUIDE TO BEING GREEN AND THRIFTY
When it comes to consumption these days, organic, green, and cheap are all the rage. So the next time you’ve bankrupted your piggy bank, try these eco-friendly solutions—they’re not only homemade,—they’re human-made.
• Earwax candles
• Belly-lint baby blanket
• Tear salt (get kosher from your local synagogue)
• Hair rugs
People drink urine in a pinch, but that’s a little far out for our taste. If your feet are pressing out 2 cups of liquid a day (see Sour Feet), why waste it?
Deep-Sea Gas
You hear a lot about how great omega-3s are for you, and one way to get them is through fish oil supplement. But unfortunately, that’s not the omega (end) of it. The burps are rather fish-infused, especially from cheaper brands. To minimize the effect, take them with food and make sure your brand is “pharmaceutical grade.”
Shower Power
Why do shower farts smell worse than farts in other places? Some attribute the power of the shower fart to the confined space, and some to the humidity, which traps smells (just like on a hot day in a city). Most experts agree that they don’t necessarily smell any differently, but more of the smell from the gas factory hits your olfactory senses.
I Know What You Had for Dinner Last Summer
Is it true that garlic gets sweated out through your pores and that others can smell it? Yes. So if people seem to be giving you a wide birth after your pesto dinner, you’ll know why. Asparagus, of course, is notorious for making your pee smell like…well, asparagus.
Erin Go All out
St. Patrick’s Day means cornbeef and cabbage…and, if you’re really feeling festive, something with green food coloring, which will even alter the color of what lands in the toilet.
TRUE OR FALSE?
You should pop a blister?
False. It’s better to let it deflate and heal on its own rather than risk infection.
Heavy earrings can stretch out your earlobes?
True.
Poop sometimes floats?
True. Ironically, this is often the result of eating an excess of fatty foods.
Secondhand clothing can bring bugs into the home?
True. As soon as you buy some, store the clothes in a plastic bag tied shut for a week or two.
I’ll Have What He’s Having
Do grown-ups ever drink human milk? Yes, apparently it’s quite common for new fathers to sample their newborn’s dinner.
From high art (the witches’ stew in Macbeth) to low (a fart joke or two), and everything in between, explore these uncouth and foul displays of creativity. Maybe Lady Gaga’s meat dress or the dead body exhibit will inspire you to make your own repulsive artwork.
Big Slug Love
If you’re a slug fan, Susan Pearson has some advice for you in How to Teach a Slug to Read. For starters, find books he’ll like, such as Rhymes from Mother Slug, A Tale of Two Termites or Hug a Bug. Have you ever thought about what a snail would look like without its shell? You guessed it… probably an awful lot like a slug.
Cow Power
Pop singer Lady Gaga once wore a dress of raw meat to the Video Music Awards. She had previously worn a similar grubby garb for Vogue Hommes Japan. She won an award for her video of “Bad Romance”—we’re guessing any date you show up to wearing raw meat is not likely to end very well. (What happened to the dress? Don’t worry, even if you missed Gaga that night, you can still catch the piece of meat on display at the Rock n’ Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland, Ohio.)
Nipple Craze
Bizarre fashion took a giant leap forward when designer Rachel Freire showcased an outfit made of 3,000 nipples taken from cows and yaks. Reactions were mixed, even among advocates for the right to breastfeed in public.
IN THE KNOW
Yak: a shaggy bovine found in Asia
I’ve Got My Eye on You
In Pritzker Park in Chicago, Illinois, there’s a three-story-high sculpture of a giant eyeball, blood vessels and all. It’s supposedly modeled after the artist’s own peepers. If you’re in the Windy City, make sure you get an eyeful.
Did You Know? There are people whose job it is to make fake ey
eballs for people to wear. They’re called ocularists. Whoever said an art degree wasn’t useful? (For other job ideas, see Careers for Grossophiles, pg. 101.)
Stone-Cold Killer
Talk about a bad hair day. The mythical beast Medusa had serpents for hair, but that’s not all. One look at her could turn you into stone. Luckily for the rest of us, she was beheaded by Perseus.
A River Has the Runs
In Dante’s Divine Comedy, there’s nothing funny about the poop bobbing around the River Styx. That could lead to some serious hepatitis! Then again, the people down there were already in hell, so maybe it didn’t matter all that much.
Eternal Bark
Take plenty of pictures of Fluffy while he’s alive; but if you tend to misplace your camera, you can always turn to the Scandinavian design company Skrekkøgle after your pet has died. They’ll take the ashes from a cremated kitty or pooch and transform them into a photograph. Horror movies merge with reality: That piece of artwork hanging in the dining room doesn’t just look like your best friend, it is him.
BOOKS FOR GROSSOPHILES
Why Do Flies Eat Doggy Poop? And Other Poems by L.W. Lewis
Mystery Meat: Hot Dogs, Sausages, and Lunch Meats: The Incredibly Disgusting Story by Stephanie Watson
Yuck! A Big Book of Little Horrors by Robert Snedden
Fear Factor: Yuck! Grossest Stunts Ever! by Jesse Leon McCann and Randi Reisfeld
Yuck! Icky, Sticky, Gross Stuff in Your Garden by Pam Rosenberg and Beatrix Helena Ramos
Grossology and You by Sylvia Branzei and Jack Keely
Kama Pootra: 52 Mind-Blowing Ways to Poop by Daniel Cole Young
The Fart Without Fear Cookbook by Wayne Chen and Gary Goss
Experimental Art
The Holy Virgin Mary painting was a controversial piece of art by British artist Chris Ofili that used real elephant droppings layered over a painting of a black Virgin Mary. The curious collage came through New York in 1999 as part of an exhibition called “Sensation,” which caused quite a stir—even leading to a lawsuit. Mayor Rudy Giuliani in particular thought he smelled something rotten near Prospect Park.
I’d Know that Smell Anywhere…
James Joyce is recognized as one of the most brilliant writers of the 20th century. But that didn’t get in the way of his self-proclaimed ability to recognize the smell of his girlfriend’s farts anywhere. Okay, that is just way too much information for our taste, which is how many people felt when James Joyce’s private letters were published in 1975. Even the worst episode of Fear Factor can’t rival real life. In Joyce’s most famous work Ulysses, the main character enjoys a hint of urine in his breakfast food. This guy had some seriously twisted ideas.
Natural Wax
Have you ever visited a wax museum? There are plenty of them around, featuring lifelike sculptures of celebrities made entirely of wax. Many have thought of it, but so far no one has created a sculpture made entirely of earwax. Maybe you can be the first!
Be an Expert! In the 1953 horror movie House of Wax, things really got creepy. The professor’s realistic wax sculptures turned out to be the bodies of people he killed and covered in wax. No wonder they looked so realistic! (Not to mention, the film was one of the first to be produced in 3-D. Look out!)
Jar of Hearts
The great Polish composer Frédéric Chopin was creative in death as well as in life. In his will, he requested to be cut open before burial to be sure he was actually dead. His last words were said to be, “The earth is suffocating….Swear to make them cut me open, so that I won’t be buried alive.” In the end, his heart wasn’t buried at all, but removed from his body and preserved in a jar filled with cognac. (No connection to the Christina Perri pop song “Jar of Hearts.”)
TONGUE TIED
Try saying this fast, three times in a row:
“One smart fellow, he felt smart.
Two smart fellows, they both felt smart.
Three smart fellows, they all felt smart.”
Okay—now how smart to you feel?
Fresh Delivery
It may sound cute to take a nap with Nemo (other than the fact that you and Nemo can’t breathe in the same element), but “sleeping with the fishes” means something rather sinister—lying at the bottom of the ocean. In the book and movie The Godfather, Luca Brasi’s killers send the Corleones his body armor wrapped around a fish, a clear Sicilian message that signifies he’s “sleeping with the fishes,” or simply put, dead.
Under Your Skin
We’re all the same underneath our skin, right? Well, now you can actually conduct some research on the matter. Check out BODIES. The Exhibition in New York, Atlanta, or Las Vegas, where real bodies are preserved by a process of plastination and put on display for your viewing pleasure. Many visitors report being scared straight by seeing how organs decay when exposed to smoke or excessive alcohol. Though some consider it a CSI-inspired freak show, the exhibit is meant to be educational and the website recommends it for kids. (There has, however, been a certain amount of controversy over the matter that the bodies were not donated, and their owners may not have intended to be hung up on view for eternity.)
Sweet Nightmares
You want to hear gross stories? You don’t have to look much further than your average nursery rhyme or fairy tale. “Ring around the Rosy” is about the black plague. The ring was the telltale sign of having contracted the fatal disease. The “pocket full of posies” was supposed to keep you safe. Then comes the climax: “We all fall down.” You can easily guess what that refers to (the disease was fatal, meaning that it killed you). And that’s all for the one little rhyme! Then there are the blind mice whose tails are chopped off by the farmer’s wife with her carving knife. The witch who plans to stick Hansel and Gretel’s heads in the oven. And who can forget the wolf that eats Little Red Riding Hood’s grandmother? The Brothers Grimm even have a story called “The Girl without Hands.” We’re pretty sure she gets them back in the end, but that’s some rough sledding there for a while.
IN THE KNOW
Rough sledding: expression meaning very challenging situation
The Three Little Assassins
Japanese photographer Miwa Yanagi brings the horror and gruesomeness of fairy tales to life with her disturbing interpretations of children’s stories. As artist John Coulthart puts it, Yanagi puts the “grim in the Brothers Grimm.” (But take a second look at any of the stories—or see Sweet Nightmares above—and you’ll see that the tales are pretty disturbing all on their own.)
HEAD CHOPPER
“The Bells of St. Clements” is a pleasant little English children’s song. If you still have your mouth intact (see below), sing along! Just duck when you get to the last line.
“Oranges and lemons say the bells of St. Clement’s,
You owe me five farthings say the bells of St. Martin’s,
When will you pay me? say the bells of Old Bailey,
When I grow rich say the bells of Shoreditch,
When will that be? say the bells of Stepney,
I do not know say the great bells of Bow,
Here comes a candle to light you to bed, And here comes a chopper to chop off your head!”
Heading My Way?
We’ve probably all heard of John the Baptist, but his severed head may be even more famous than the rest of him. In the New Testament, it was served up on a platter to Herod’s daughter, Salome. The butchering was her mother’s idea, clear evidence that mother doesn’t always know best. Excavators think that they may have recently come upon the famous skull under a fourth-century Byzantine church.
POTTY HUMOR
Here’s one you can tell your friends (and hopefully no one will have the bad sense to re-enact it.)
Jim and Tommy begin to wrestle until a piece of poop rolls out of Jim’s pant leg.
Eerie Gift
Van Gogh is renowned for his artistic vision, but his severed ear receives almost as much attention as his Starry Night pa
inting. There is even a café in the U.S. named after it—Van Gogh’s Ear Café in Union, New Jersey! Like many geniuses of history, Van Gogh was part crazy-talented and part just-plain-crazy. The self-mutilation story goes that Vincent used a razor to slide of his left earlobe and handed it to a local woman. More recently, scholars have pointed to evidence that another creative visionary, Paul Gauguin, is at least partly responsible for lopping off Gogh’s famous lobe.
Gross Word Contest
Someone once started a blog called The World’s Grossest Words. They asked readers to rate the grossness of words like “soft turd,” “beefy pimple,” “barf spray,” and “bug squirt.” The writer only posted one entry before apparently abandoning the entire idea. Maybe they got too grossed out! Taking up where he or she left off, we’ve come up with a list of words we find inherently yucky: phlegm, moist, smear, secrete, gyrate, yeast, viscous, squishy, mucus, scummy.
Eye See You One Grisly Murder and Raise You One Blinding
CSI, Law and Order, and Forensic Files don’t have the patent on gory entertainment. In Sophocles’ famous play “Oedipus Rex (Oedipus the King)”, written and performed over 2,400 years before the first blood-spatter pattern was analyzed on Primetime, our hero kills his father and marries his mother. But that’s not the part that will send you running for the upchuck bucket. In the end, Oedipus stabs himself in the eyes with a pin from his dead (oh yeah, forgot to say, she kills herself) mother’s dress.
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