Lexi, Baby

by Lynda LeeAnne

  “There’s nothing you can do about this situation, Ry. Landyn’s obviously going to be in his daughter’s life and I have no idea what to say to make this better for you.”

  “Just thinking about you with him infuriates me! So while you were meeting he didn’t try to get you back? He didn’t try anything with you?”

  Ryan was too out of control for me to admit to anything.

  “No! You’re acting insane, what’s the matter with you?”

  “This is different. When we met you were still in love with him and it took me a long ass time to get you to trust me! I’m starting to think you were a waste of my time.”

  I shook my head. This conversation was going downhill fast and my little girl was here. “Lower your voice, Layla is in the other room and I don’t want her to hear us,” I demanded.

  “I already told you I’m not worried about her. Who gives a shit if she finds out that asshole’s her father?”

  I heard a tiny gasp in the distance. Layla.

  “Get out Ryan! We’re over,” I yelled at him.

  “What?” he asked, aggressively, but I ignored him and stood up. “Please leave.”

  He stood up to me and he had fury in his eyes. “What did you just say?” he asked.

  All I could think about was getting to my baby girl so I put my hand on his upper arm to guide him backwards. I wanted to move him toward the front door so he would leave, but he wouldn’t budge. “I want you to leave Ryan. Layla just heard everything you said. Get out!”

  He reached up, wrapped his hand around my wrist and squeezed hard enough to break my grip. “I’m not leaving, do you understand me? She’ll get over it.” His eyes were crazed.

  “Ryan, you’re hurting me. Let go.” His grip tightened and his eyes blazed. “You’re hurting me.” I screeched.

  “Get the fuck out of here before I call the cops!” Trish screamed from the hall. I glanced at her carefully, too afraid of what Ryan was going to do. She was holding one of our wrought iron lamps in her hands as a weapon.

  Immediately Ryan let go and stepped back. I started rubbing my wrist.

  “I don’t know what’s gotten into you Ryan, but don’t ever come back here,” I told him.

  He smiled arrogantly. “Oh, you’ll be seeing me. Don’t think you can just string me along for two years only to have your little girl’s piece of shit father come back in the picture and take you away. Forget it!”

  “Please just leave,” I pleaded softly.

  “I’m calling the cops,” Trish threatened as she pulled out her cell. “No need,” Ryan said and turned for the front door. He looked back at me before walking out, “This isn’t over.” The door slammed behind his back.

  “Fuck Lex, are you okay?” Trish dropped the lamp and ran to me. I nodded, too stunned to answer.

  I wanted to drop to my knees and start bawling, but I had to get to Layla.

  Chapter Twelve

  “Layla!” I called out as I ran to her room. “Baby, where are you?” I called out again, searching. I heard her sniffles from the closet and ran to it. When I saw her, I dropped to my knees in front of and pulled her into my embrace. She was crying so hard.

  “Shhh… Baby, it’s okay. Everything’s going to be okay. Ryan’s gone now.” In between her sniffles she asked, “Who was he talking about Mama? You know where my daddy is?”

  Shit!

  Landyn’s going to be so pissed. “Yes, baby, I know where he is.” I said quietly.

  “Ryan scared me. Does he know daddy? Why was he calling my daddy such bad names?”

  “Sweetheart, look at me.” I grasped her baby face between my palms and when I had her full attention I went on. “Ryan doesn’t know your daddy well enough to say bad things about him. You’re too young to understand this now, but something happened between your daddy and me a long time ago. When we broke up, he had no idea you were growing in my belly. It’s very important that you understand that your daddy knows about you now and he wants to see you really, really bad. He wants you to like him and eventually love him.”

  “Really?” she asked curiously as she started to cheer up.

  “Yes, really. You’re going to see him tomorrow.”

  “Who is he?”

  “Do you remember the man that came over the other day and spoke to Aunt T?”

  Her little face scrunched up in thought. “Yeah, the giant. Is he my daddy?” Now she sounded thrilled. “Yes, baby, he’s your daddy. We’re meeting him at the park tomorrow to play. Does that sound good to you?”

  “Yeah! Will he teach me to play football?” I smiled. “I’m sure he will. Are you sure you’re okay with meeting him?”

  “I’m happy, Mama. I’ve always wanted a daddy.” Her wistful tone and strong words broke my heart.

  “I know you have baby, and Landyn will be a good one.” At least he better be.

  “How about we get out of the closet so we can go play?” I needed a distraction and more than anything, so did my princess.

  She jumped up. “Okay, let’s go Mama! Hurry, hurry! I want tomorrow to be here already.”

  “Wait a minute! Give Mama some sugar!”

  She threw her arms around my neck and gave me a kiss. “I love you.”

  “Love you too Mama!” she said excitedly before running out of the room.

  I considered calling Landyn that night to warn him about the new developments, but I decided against it. I cried myself to sleep instead.

  Chapter Thirteen

  It was five o’clock the next day and I was sitting on one of the few benches in the park waiting for Landyn to show up. He better be here soon or I’m going to hurt him.

  Layla couldn’t contain her excitement about meeting Landyn. She begged me to come out here, but I couldn’t let her be around when I told Landyn the news.

  “Lexi,” I heard Landyn call from behind me. I turned to watch him walk around the bench and sit down at my side; so close his thigh touched mine. I pretended not to notice.

  “Hey,” I said softly. “Where is she? I don’t see her on the playground,” Landyn asked.

  I looked away from him. This was not going to be a fun little chat.

  “Umm… Layla isn’t here right now,” I replied.

  “God damn it Lexi….” I cut him off by waving a hand. “We’ll go get her in a minute, but I need to talk to you first. Please try not to get mad.” I was so nervous.

  “What?” Landyn asked in an irritated tone.

  “She sort of knows you’re her father,” I whispered. He opened his mouth, but I quickly continued. “I didn’t do it on purpose, I swear. Ryan came over and started arguing with me about you. He said it loud enough for Layla to hear so I had to tell her. I’m so sorry,” I whispered again and meant every word.

  He ran both hands through his hair before bending at the waist and setting elbows to knees with his hands clasped together. “How’d she take it?” he asked worriedly.

  “She was happy Landyn. Actually, that’s an understatement. She was ecstatic. She was so upset that I wouldn’t let her come here with me, she made me promise her that you were coming with me to go get her.”

  When his eyes quickly narrowed on me, I tilted my head and asked, “What?”

  “Lan,” he said, correcting me. I didn’t know what he meant until I replayed what I’d just said in my head. Then I rolled my eyes and shook my head when I realized I called him Landyn.

  “So annoying,” I mumbled. Lan shrugged his shoulders, clearly aware of his annoyingness.

  “Is it over with Ryan?” he asked roughly. It was my turn to shrug my shoulders. I didn’t feel like answering him.

  “What the fuck is that?” Lan shouted so randomly that he scared the crap out of me. I looked at him and saw that his eyes were on my lap. In my lap was the bruised wrist that I was softly massaging with my opposite hand. I didn’t even realize I was doing it.

  I let my hands drop to my sides, but he snatched up my hurt wrist. “Did he do this to you?” he
asked heatedly. I tried to pull away, but he held tight. “Tell me! Did he do this to you? Did Layla see him do this to you?” He didn’t let me answer. “It doesn’t fucking matter. If I ever see him, he’s going to pay for this. Please tell me you at least got a restraining order.”

  I shook my head. “No. Layla didn’t see and please don’t worry about this. He thinks I wasted two years of his life and he was more than a little upset, but I’m not going to see him again. I know he’ll leave me alone, he was just angry. Considering I just had sex with you, even though I didn’t tell him, in a way, I deserved his anger.”

  He let go of my wrist like I burned him and looked away quickly before looking back at me. “Lexi, baby, no woman deserves to have a man put his hands on her regardless of the circumstances. I lived with that shit growing up and I won’t live it again.”

  I sat there for a moment trying to process his comment. “I’m sorry?” I asked softly.

  “My real father used to hit me and my mother, Lexi. He hit us until the day I called the cops on him when he nearly put Mom in the hospital. I was twelve. He left us after that. He called on occasion and the conversations always started okay, but always ended with abuse. I won’t let that shit happen to you.”

  His hand lifted to wipe away the single tear that escaped my eye. His hand lingered there and I turned my face into his hand. “Why didn’t you ever tell me?”

  “Baby, there’s so much more to the story and hopefully one day I’ll get to tell you in detail, but I even have an older half-brother out there somewhere. My piece of shit father had a son with another woman about four years before my mother had me, and my parents had been married for five.” Lan paused as he grew pensive.

  “Mom never knew, but I did. She didn’t find out until I told her. My father introduced me to my brother once when we ran into him and his mother at the post office. I remember the woman looked scared to death at seeing my father and the boy looked panicked. That was the only time I talked to him. I swear I’ve seen him a handful of times around town, but we both pretend the other doesn’t exist. I know it’s him.”

  He grew quiet and I silently cried for him, his mother and the brother he didn’t know. How sad.

  Lan wiped away my tears as he scanned caringly over my face. “Lexi, baby, you were the most precious thing in my life from the moment we met. There was no way I would have tainted you with that knowledge back then.”

  “You could have told me. It hurts that you didn’t feel like you could, but I understand. God, and your mom. She was always so sweet, I never would have guessed.”

  “She missed you when you left. When I told her what happened, she almost kicked me out of the house. She worried that I would end up like my father and I think she would have disowned me if she didn’t love me so much.”

  Everything grew silent as we both seemed to be lost in the moment.

  Suddenly, I laughed a dark and unhappy laugh. “What is it?” he asked me.

  “I was just thinking that when we were together, I always felt like everything was perfect between us. Even when I left, I would think back on the time we spent together and I could literally feel how much we loved each other. But I really didn’t know you at all, did I?”

  “You know that’s not true,” he grumbled.

  “Why did you cheat on me, Lan?” I asked sadly. “Was I blind? Did I just love you too much?”

  “No!” He stated firmly. “It had nothing to do with you baby.” He turned me to face him.

  “It was a mistake. God, I don’t even want to think about how stupid I was. I had way too much to drink and Destiny…” At the mention of her name I tried to pull back from him, but he wouldn’t let me.

  “Listen to me Lexi. There is no excuse for what I did. All I can do is tell you why.” He bent his head and kissed my tears away.

  “I was drunk, to the point of nearly passing out. Destiny followed me around everywhere I went whispering things about you in my ear every chance she got. I don’t remember everything she said, but I know she placed doubts about our relationship in my head.”

  He was gutting me. “I didn’t realize the connection we shared was that weak. I don’t want to hear anymore,” I whispered.

  “Baby, you were so fucking beautiful and didn’t even know it. You still are, even more so. I always worried that one day it would finally hit you, just how much better you could do than me. I had also received one of my father’s infamous phone calls that day, and again that’s not an excuse, it’s just what was going on in my head and why I drank so much that night. I was throwing up in the bathroom when Destiny locked herself inside with me. She wouldn’t stop touching me and telling me that she would take care of me since my own girlfriend left me to take care of myself. I was mad at you because I wasn’t thinking clearly. To this day I still don’t remember everything.”

  He took a deep breath and continued.

  “I do remember exactly how I felt when I walked out and saw you; the look on your face. It was like being drenched with ice water and it sobered me up fast. I remember wanting to hold you and you looking at me like I just destroyed your life. And I knew I did too because I was destroyed and you were my life. I remember you asking me if I used a condom-” he started, but I cut him off.

  “Please stop. I don’t want to hear this,” I whispered, my eyes pleading with him not to continue.

  He lifted both hands, framed my neck and pulled my face closer to his. “I have to tell you this baby. For some reason that question always ate at me. I know you don’t want to hear it and it probably won’t matter, but you need to know… I need you to know. I did. I know for a fact I used a condom because when I took it off it was empty. I never even came.”

  I squeezed my eyes shut. Somehow, that statement sickened me, and made me feel slightly better at the same time.

  “But you’re still with her,” I choked out.

  “What the hell are you talking about?” he asked sounding genuinely confused. I opened my eyes and saw that his eyebrows were pinched together.

  What was so confusing about what I just said?

  I explained. “I ran into Destiny at my graduation and that’s where she saw Layla. You were here in two weeks.”

  He sighed loudly. “Destiny showed up at my bar the night before I found you to tell me I had a daughter. I almost didn’t believe her at first, but it made sense after she started describing the little girl she saw you holding. You and I never used protection.” He sighed again. “Lexi, a lot of people we went to school with know I own the bar. Before that I hadn’t seen Destiny since that night. You disappeared and two months later I joined the Marines.”

  “So that’s why you stopped calling,” I whispered out loud to myself.

  “Lexi, I knew you were pissed at me and had every right, but why wouldn’t you talk to me or tell me about our daughter?” he asked.

  I took a deep breath.

  “I was hurt and hormonal. I assumed you would try extra hard to get me back just for the baby and I couldn’t handle that. I would have given into you. At about three months pregnant, right around the time you stopped calling, I started getting sick; very sick. I was eventually put on bed rest until Layla was born.”

  “I would have been there for you. You have no idea how much it hurts to know that I missed helping you through pregnancy and seeing the birth of my little girl; that I’ve missed out on five years of her life; a life that we should have been living to together.” He sounded tortured.

  “I’m so sorry, Lan. I regret being so selfish, but I couldn’t handle it at the time. You’re still young, you’ll have more babies.”

  I watched as Lan’s lips thinned and a muscle ticked in his jaw. “Yes, we’ll have more,” he said loud and clear.

  I cleared my throat at that suggestive remark. “Yes, we’ll both have more, but not with each other.”

  “The only babies you’ll have will be from me,” he stated with total certainty.

  “Stop it Landyn,” I h
issed through my teeth. “You can’t bully me into being with you. It would never work out. I already have so many trust issues because of you, so actually being with you would drive me insane.” I shook my head energetically at the ludicrous thought. “No way. I’d be miserable, I’d make you miserable. I’d constantly think you were cheating on me.” I kept shaking my head. “Not happening.”

  “I would never hurt you again. This is happening,” he stated firmly.

  Ugh!

  “Look, this conversation was really nice while it lasted before you became all he-man. Hopefully this will help heal some of the damage done to my heart and bring me closure. But the only relationship we will ever have is being parents to Layla. You can’t just come back in my life and act like there’s not still bad blood between us. I’ll always hold Destiny over your head and you’ll always hold me keeping your daughter from you over mine,” I countered with the truth and nothing but the truth.

  Completely catching me off guard, he dove in for a kiss, his tongue searching and finding mine. His mouth was soft and sensual; teasing. When I moaned in his mouth he pulled away slightly and wrapped a hand in my hair. “You have no idea how much I’ve missed your mouth,” he whispered, just before taking it once more.

  “You can hold Destiny over my head for as long as you want. I’ll take it as long as we’re together. I need to be with you,” he said gently against my lips.

  I sighed. It astonished me to know just how much I actually missed him too, but too much had happened between us.

  “I can’t do this right now,” I whispered.

  He stayed quiet for a minute; pensive. “I’ll give you some time, but only a little. Let’s go get our daughter.”

  “Okay,” I mumbled.

  As we walked to my apartment my mind was in a fog. Landyn kept trying to wrap his arm around my shoulders, but I kept pulling away. At his last attempt I jerked away from him. “Stop it,” I hissed.

  “I need to touch you,” he said, frustrated.

  “No. Layla’s probably hanging out of the window waiting for us and I don’t want her to get the wrong idea.”