I often wondered to myself if the creators of my favorite Saturday morning cartoons knew how therapeutic their work was for a boy like me—a boy with no past and no distinct future.
My life changed constantly.
It was an endless cycle of families and faces I was sure to never see again. Bouncing from one foster home to another, I dipped in and out of people’s real lives, getting only tiny glances of what it meant to belong.
Through it all, though, one thing remained the same—the cartoons.
I could always count on the Smurfs to make me smile or Bugs Bunny to make me laugh. They were the only family I knew—the only constant good in my life. I wrapped myself in their splashes of color, using them to push all the bad things about my life out of my mind.
I laughed as Wile E. Coyote tried repeatedly to catch the Road Runner. He was seconds from being flattened by an anvil when suddenly, a faded, blue T-shirt blocked the TV.
“Move, Ethan,” I said sternly, reaching out and pushing him to the side.
He was small for a sixteen-year-old, and I often found myself playing the protector when the other kids in the group home teased him.
His dark hair was too long since haircuts were few and far between, and it fell over his eyes just enough to hide the fact he’d recently smoked a joint.
Being teased about his size had turned him into a bit of an asshole, which didn’t go over well in most homes. But the fact he constantly stole from the foster parents was the main reason several homes had given him the boot.
“Come on, Sebastian. Let’s go outside, man,” he whined. “You’re too old to be sitting inside all day watching this crap.”
He was right.
I was too damn old to be watching cartoons.
But it was a habit I wasn’t going to be breaking anytime soon.
“What’s your obsession with this stupid shit?” he asked, falling onto the couch next to me.
He kicked his Converse-covered feet onto the couch beside me, and I looked down to see a worn hole in the sole of his right shoe. Turning my attention back to the TV, I shook my head and sighed in aggravation.
“Call it stupid shit one more time, and I’ll punch you in the mouth,” I replied. “Just shut up and watch it.”
I didn’t tell him the reasons behind my obsession with cartoons. I didn’t tell him about my strange connection with the characters who had somehow become my family. He didn’t need to know what made me tick … no one did.
An hour later, just as Porky Pig was saying, “That’s all, folks!” I was called to my counselor’s office.
Going into Mrs. Brown’s room, I moved my eyes over her faded, leather furniture and the chipped table that held a lamp and a few other desk accessories. The room was worn but inviting. It was homely, and in some ways, her office was home. I’d lived inside her office longer than any of the other “homes” I’d stayed in.
“I have great news, Sebastian,” Deloris Brown said.
I hadn’t even had a chance to sit down before she was bombarding me with bullshit.
Mrs. Brown was good people. She always looked out for me, but I knew the world was a cruel place. I knew she couldn’t save me.
No one could.
Excitement was a cruel reflection in her eyes, and seeing that excitement let me know exactly why she’d called me into her office.
A new home.
A different place to get kicked out of.
She was probably excited to be rid of me again, but the joke was on her. It didn’t matter which home I ended up in; I never stayed long, and I’d find myself in her office once again.
The older I got, the harder it was for any permanent placement. More times than not, I’d end up in the group home with all the other unwanted kids. I’d stay there for months before some clueless family picked me, trying to make a difference in someone’s life.
It was a joke.
I felt like an old mutt, watching as all the puppies were snatched up and taken to forever homes.
It was pathetic.
I didn’t respond as I folded myself into the plush leather chair in front of her large desk. The chairs deceived perspective parents into thinking everything was fucking rainbows and ponies.
I knew better.
I also knew Mrs. Brown was waiting for me to wag my tail and jump around excitedly, but I didn’t give her so much as a smile before she sighed and continued.
“You may not be excited now, but you will be when I tell you my good news.”
“I got placed in a home,” I said, ruining what I knew was supposed to be her happy surprise for me.
I shrugged like it was no big deal.
It wasn’t.
Her face fell, draining the excitement from her eyes.
“Well, yes, but it’s not just a placement. This couple is considering adoption. It could be a permanent home, Sebastian. This is a wonderful opportunity.”
When I still refused to show excitement, she frowned.
“Why are you not more excited about this?” she asked.
A sarcastic chuckle bubbled from the back of my throat. “Nothing’s permanent when you’re a system kid, Deloris. You and I both know that. Don’t try to paint this as a pretty fucking picture because we both know it’s not.”
Her frown deepened.
She hated it when I called her by her first name, but she really hated it when I cursed.
Tough shit.
I didn’t like a lot of things. Things like being abandoned and then tossed around like trash.
“You should start watching your mouth, Sebastian. I tolerate it, but your new foster parents aren’t going to like your colorful language.”
I wanted to tell her she didn’t tolerate shit. She had no control over my language. But I was feeling particularly lazy and arguing with her was exhausting.
“Colorful language? That’s a new one, Deloris.” I smirked. “So what’s the catch? What’s wrong with them?” I asked.
“What’s wrong with them?” She repeated my question.
Her forehead creased down the middle in confusion. “Oh! You mean your new parents.”
My jaw tightened. “Don’t call them that,” I snapped. “They’re nothing to me but another bed to sleep in until they either get rid of me or I turn eighteen.”
“Is that your plan, Sebastian?”
I nodded.
“You definitely won’t go anywhere in life with an attitude like that. Listen,” she said, moving around her desk to stand in front of me. “Believe me, I know this isn’t an ideal situation, but you can’t go through life never trusting anyone. There’s still some good in this world, and I know you’ll find love.”
She meant well, but I was jaded and jagged. The world had sharpened my edges. So I laughed in her face, pretending to find her ridiculous when deep down I wanted her to be right.
“You’re a trip, Deloris. Seriously, you should find some other pathetic orphan to projectile vomit all your stupid ideas on. I’m not into that shit.”
Her brown eyes filled with hurt, and I turned away, pretending to be disgusted. I tried to swallow the nagging feeling that clogged my throat, but I ended up choking on it instead.
What was my plan?
My plan was to wait out the next two years of my sentence in the system until I was considered a legal adult. Technically, I could probably walk away tomorrow, and they wouldn’t bother looking for me.
Eighteen.
Only then would I be released onto the wild streets of Brooklyn where I’d live doing whatever the hell I wanted.
My plans were realistic.
I didn’t have time for hopes and dreams. That shit was for family kids. It was for boys who hadn’t grown up in the hellhole I had. I’d never had a family, and at my age, I never would.
“Someday, Sebastian.” Deloris’s soft voice interrupted my inner musings. “Someday it won’t hurt this much. And I pray to God that someday is soon for you.”
I didn’t look her i
n the eyes.
I knew better.
I was always worried that if I did, the small part of me not broken would do something stupid.
Like cry.
Or believe her.
Which was what I felt like doing.
I closed my eyes and let the pressure build. Only when I knew it was safe and the tears would stay put did I open them again.
“When do I leave?” I asked.
TWO
NOBODY WANTED TO BE AROUND AN ASSHOLE.
I didn’t even want to be around myself.
But I packed my shit and climbed into the back of the same car that took me from place to place—home to home—every single time.
It was an endless circle of dreams I knew weren’t a real possibility for me.
Slouching in my seat, I pretended my stomach didn’t twist with nerves as I watched the world glide past outside the window. The scenery changed the farther we drove. Looking away from the world outside, I turned to Deloris.
“You never answered my question about these people,” I said. “What’s wrong with them?”
The radio was on, and gospel music littered the air around me with words I didn’t believe.
Deloris was into Jesus.
Meanwhile, I couldn’t understand why God would let anyone abandon young kids without love and leave them to starve on the streets. Needless to say, Deloris and I didn’t agree on the whole religion thing. And thankfully, the music was low, nothing more than whispered words.
Deloris reached over and turned it the rest of the way down.
“What makes you think something’s wrong with them?”
I snorted.
Wasn’t it obvious?
“They want me, don’t they?” I asked. “My own damn parents didn’t even want me. That should tell them something.”
She sighed, and a full minute went by before she spoke again. “Can you try not to be the kid with the whole freaking world on your shoulders for once, Sebastian?”
She surprised me. “Whoa. Careful, Deloris. That’s some colorful language there.”
I turned up the radio, ready to block out the rest of the car ride. It didn’t matter if I had to listen to Jesus jams. It was better than the bullshit I knew she was about to spew. As soon as I turned the music up, Deloris hit the button, turning the radio off completely.
I frowned at her. “What’s your problem?”
“You’re my problem!” She smacked the steering wheel, making me chuckle.
“Only for the next twenty minutes or so. Guess you’ll just have to deal with it.”
“You’re my problem until I say otherwise. And just because you’re going to a home doesn’t mean I stop worrying about you. I want this to be a permanent solution because you need this, Sebastian. I’m afraid of what’s going to happen to you without the stability you crave.”
I watched the trees shift outside my window and slowly started to realize how much I would miss Deloris. Other than my cartoons, she was the only consistent thing in my life.
And as much as it pissed me off, she was right.
I craved stability.
No.
I needed it.
And it was wrong for me to be such an ass to her since her consistency was all that kept me from losing my mind.
“There’s nothing wrong with this couple. They’re unable to have children of their own, and they want an older child because they want to be able to spend time with you. Also, the mom used to be a foster child herself, from what I gather. She probably wants to give you opportunities she wasn’t offered. From what I can tell, they’re good people, Sebastian. Embrace this adventure.”
I rolled the back of my head over the headrest to return my gaze to Deloris. “The only thing I want to embrace right now is a cheeseburger.”
Deloris’s lips tugged at the corners, and I could tell she was trying not to laugh. Finally, she gave in and threw her head back, laughing out loud.
“You’re something else, kid,” she said as she pulled into the closest burger joint.
An hour later, we pulled up in front of a large brownstone in one of the nicer parts of Brooklyn. Kids on bikes scurried beside the car, looking at me as if I was from another planet. When I got out of the car, I felt like I was on another planet. I’d never lived in a neighborhood or home as nice as the one looming in front of us.
I slipped the strap of my worn backpack over my shoulder and shut the car door. A tiny seed of hope planted itself deep within, and I swallowed hard, hoping the feeling didn’t bite me in the ass. Maybe Deloris was right; maybe I could find my happy ending here.
My hands were sweaty with nerves when I pulled the rest of my stuff from the back seat. My knees knocked as I walked behind Deloris up the six steps to the front door. She knocked, the sound echoing all around me, and then she pulled me in front of her. I glared at her, but she used her fingers to trace a smile on her face before turning me to face forward.
A lady in her late thirties answered with a smile. She was a few inches shorter than I was, brunette and tiny, I noticed, but then my eyes landed on her chest. Nothing was tiny about her tits. They were perky beneath the light sweater stretching across them.
Dragging my eyes away from her chest, I took in the rest of her. She was pretty for an older woman. Her blue eyes sparkled with excitement, and her plump lips looked kissable as she smiled up at me.
Pushing her chestnut hair from her eyes, she reached down and plucked a miniature dog from the floor before it could escape. Looking up at me with her big blue eyes, she smiled even bigger.
No.
She wasn’t pretty.
She was beautiful.
The longer she stared at me, the more my heart began to pump blood furiously through my body. Most of the foster parents I’d been placed with had never looked like the one standing in front of me. They definitely never made me feel the way she was making me feel.
“You must be, Sebastian,” she said, her soft voice soothing something deep within.
I stared at her as if I was a deaf mute.
As if I’d completely forgotten how to communicate.
“Sebastian,” Deloris said with a nervous laugh.
“Yes,” I croaked
My voice was squeaky as if I hadn’t already gone through puberty.
I searched my brain for something more to say, but even my usual smartass comments were nowhere to be found. I was left standing there like an idiot.
“Gosh, I’m sorry. Please, come in. My name’s Jane,” she said, ushering me and Deloris into the foyer and placing the tiny dog on the floor at her feet. “But you already know that.” She laughed nervously. “I’m sorry, I’m a little nervous.”
Deloris smiled and patted her gently on the arm. “I think we’re all a little nervous, Mrs. Jepson. Excited, but nervous.”
“Please.” She covered Deloris’s hand with her own. “Call me Jane.”
I couldn’t help myself.
A laugh burst from my lips.
Both Deloris and my new “mom” looked at me confused.
“Your name’s Jane Jepson?”
Again, laughter bubbled from the back of my throat.
“Yep. Jane Jepson. I’m aware of how close it is to Jane Jetson.” She laughed along with me.
I watched The Jetsons often. I couldn’t help but feel like maybe it was fate that I’d end up with the ultimate cartoon mom. A shitty foster kid like me and Jane fucking Jetson.
“So …”
She took a step toward me, but the fluffy dog at her feet darted in her way, and she stumbled. I put my arm out to protect myself in case she fell on me, and her fingers wrapped around my arm as she steadied herself.
A warm smile spread across her face. “Thank you.”
She was thanking me as if I’d meant to help her.
I hadn’t.
Her laugh was nervous—her smile shaky—when she released my arm. Her blue eyes moved from me to Deloris before landing on the floor.
/> “She likes you,” Jane said.
I looked down at my feet when I realized that was where she was looking. The small rat dog sniffed my dirty shoes a few times before she turned and ran away.
“Did you find it okay?” Jane asked Deloris, filling the awkward silence.
“Yes,” Deloris said politely. “You have a lovely home.”
She reached out and patted Deloris’s arm. “Thank you. Once we’re done with the renovations, it will be my dream home.” Again, her blue eyes moved my way. “We moved in six years ago, and I couldn’t imagine living anywhere else. The neighborhood is nice and safe. There are plenty of kids around here your age, and your school is only five minutes away. We’ll be able to walk there together.”
“I’m not a baby,” I said firmly. That was the last thing I wanted her thinking. “You wouldn’t believe some of the crap I’ve been through. In some cultures, I’d be considered a man. If I was on the other side of the world, I’d be married and have a few kids by now.”
“Sebastian!” Deloris scolded and began to apologize to Jane, but Jane surprised us both by throwing her head back and laughing.
“It’s fine and correct.” She added for my benefit. “No teenager wants to be walked to school by his …” She stopped before she said the word, and her eyes darted toward Deloris. “Well, by me.”
That wasn’t exactly true, I thought, but I kept my mouth shut.
“A group of kids from the area walks to school together, but we still have a few weeks before summer vacation is over and we have to worry about any of that.”
I didn’t respond, so Deloris filled in the silence. “Of course.”
Jane Jetson, which was what I decided I’d call her from that moment on, twisted her fingers together. “It’s actually perfect timing. You’ll be able to settle in before starting school.”
“My thoughts exactly,” Deloris said, nudging me with her shoulder. “Right, Sebastian?”
“Yeah. Sure.”
There was a long pause before Jane Jetson was talking again.
“Well, what do you think so far, Sebastian?” she asked, twisting her fingers nervously. “Think this could be your new home?”
She was excited. I could see it dancing in the depths of her sapphire eyes. But for me, it wasn’t a big deal. I’d heard that sentence too many times in my life for it to mean anything anymore.
Little Black Box Set (The Black Trilogy) Page 44