by Cassia Leo
“Thanks,” I mutter. Then in one swift motion, I take her face in my hands and plant a soft kiss on her cheekbone. “Drive safe.”
Sliding my leg off my bike, I pull my phone out of my pocket and check the screen. It’s the first thing I do when I come off my motorcycle and the text I find makes me grin. Chris texted me a few minutes ago to say that Senia and Claire will be joining us at the pancake house this morning. I want to know what they had to do to get Senia to come here.
I tuck the phone into my back pocket and hang my helmet from the seat hook. Then I lean back against the bike and wait. An entire breakfast with Senia attempting to keep the baby a secret from Claire and Chris. This should be interesting.
When Senia arrives, she looks pissed, as if she’s been forced to come here, and she ignores me until we’re seated at the semi-circular booth. When Chris and Claire both guess each other’s breakfast orders, I try to make a cute guess about what Senia will be ordering.
“Hey, I’ll bet I can guess what you’re ordering,” I say to Senia. “The stuffed French toast.”
She looks up from her menu and turns to Claire. “Do you hear someone talking to me?”
“You heard me loud and clear last night,” I reply with a grin.
Claire looks up from her menu. “What is he talking about?”
Senia finally looks in my direction and the glare she’s pointing at me could slice me in half. But, somehow, it’s not Senia’s glare that gets to me. It’s the subtle outrage in Claire’s question.
I’ve always tried to keep my feelings about Claire to myself. When she and Chris were together the first time, before we went on tour last year, I managed to keep my comments about Chris being whipped to a minimum. The truth is I’ve always kind of envied what Chris and Claire have, though I’ll never admit that to anyone. But it’s not really the love that I envy, it’s the trust. The feeling that no matter how bad you screw up, there is always someone who will accept you and love you for who you are; not because they have to, just because they can’t not love you.
I thought I had that with Ashley, but it turns out I didn’t know shit about her. You can believe you’re destined for someone – you can share the most gut-wrenchingly intimate experience with someone – and still not know a damn thing about them. And there is irony in learning that you can’t trust someone you love because it makes you stop trusting yourself.
The waitress arrives in time to ease the tension and take our food order. Once she’s gone, Chris whispers something in Claire’s ear and I find myself glancing at Senia’s hand, itching to grab it and announce our secret.
Suddenly, I realize Chris and Claire are having a discussion about living together over breakfast and right in front of Senia and me.
“Of course I want to live with you,” Claire continues, “But are you sure you want to live with me?”
“Wait a minute,” Senia interrupts their conversation. “Are you moving out?”
It’s as if Senia and I – and this entire restaurant – don’t exist, the way Chris and Claire gaze into each other’s eyes. “I’ve never been more sure of anything,” he replies.
Claire grins hugely as she turns to Senia. “I guess I’m moving out, but not until the end of the semester.”
“That’s eleven days away,” Senia pouts. “I have eleven days to find another roomie?”
“I’ll pay your housing for the next semester,” Chris offers. “Not just Claire’s half. I’ll pay it all.”
“You don’t have to do that. I’ll pay it,” I say, watching Senia for her response, but her eyes are locked on Claire.
“It’s not the money,” Senia insists. “My dad will cover Claire’s half.”
All I can do is watch in silence as Claire contemplates her options. “I don’t want to leave you alone,” she says to Senia.
After everything Senia and I discussed last night, I just want to yell at her to put Claire out of her misery. I wait a moment before I open my mouth to say something, but Senia beats me to it. “I’m pregnant.”
Claire is frozen, stunned, for a moment before she looks back and forth between Senia and me. “How? You and Eddie have been broken up for three months.”
Ugh. I can’t stand that guy’s name. Sounds like a fucking sleazy truck driver.
Senia’s shoulders slump as she shrinks in her seat. “It’s not Eddie’s.”
Claire is confused until Senia nods toward me. “When? What the hell’s going on?”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t want to tell you because of everything going on with Abigail,” Senia continues. “It was just a one-night thing a few weeks ago and, we were careful, but I didn’t get my period last week.”
She just lied to Claire and said we used protection. I try not to laugh out loud at this.
“Wait a minute. A few weeks ago?” Claire replies. “Thanksgiving was two weeks ago. I thought you were going to tell him to stop texting you.”
“We ran into each other at Yogurtland and it just sort of happened. I didn’t give him my number. I mean, I’m not stupid.”
“Hey!” I interject. “How about a little gratitude for the guy whose seed is sprouting inside of you?”
“Ew,” Senia replies without looking at me. “That’s why I was wondering how he got my number and texted me on Thanksgiving. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about it, but I was ashamed of myself for giving in. I was feeling so shitty because Eddie kept texting and calling. I just wanted to do something to take my mind off of him.”
I suppress my feelings about hearing his trashy name as I softly lay my hand on the back of her neck. “There’s nothing to be ashamed of, sweetheart.”
As expected, she pushes my hand off. “Stop it.”
I smile as I lean back, but the look on Chris’s face quickly wipes the smile off mine. He looks like he did the day he ran into Claire at The Pour House in Downtown Raleigh; the day he found out that Claire had been keeping the worst kind of secret a person can keep from him. He shoots up from the table and heads for the exit.
I stand up to go after him, but Claire puts her hand out to stop me. “Not now.”
Watching her chase after Chris, I try not to get upset when I realize that Chris needs her more than he needs his best friend. He always has.
I take a seat in the booth and Senia is looking at me with an expression on her face that looks slightly like admiration. “What?”
She smiles and sighs softly. “You’re a good friend.”
I roll my eyes because this topic makes me feel uncomfortable. No one – not even Chris – knows that he basically saved me from a life of crime and drugs when he asked me if I wanted to start a band.
“No, don’t do that. Don’t belittle it. You’re a good friend,” she insists, then she closes her eyes and takes a deep breath before she continues. “And you’ll make a great father.”
I stare at the table for a moment, lost in thoughts of what it will be like to hold a human being that I made in my hands. I can write a song and I can play it until my fingers bleed, but I can’t carry music in my hands. I can’t touch it or smell it. I can’t give it my heart.
I look up and her gaze meets mine. “Move in with me. Let me take care of you.”
Her mouth hangs open at the sound of my words. I reach forward and lift her chin with my finger to close her mouth. She pulls my hand away from her chin and I smile as her mouth drops open again.
“I … I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
“Why? I’m not far from campus and you won’t have to worry about telling your parents about the baby until you’re ready.”
“Not far from campus? You’re at least thirty minutes from UNC. Besides, living with you is not something I would consider a smart decision.”
“I’m not asking you to move in so we c
an have worry-free sex all day long. I’m asking because you need someone to take care of you now that Claire is moving out.”
“Can you ever be serious? Is that really your best attempt at convincing me to move in with you?”
I reach forward and she flinches a little as I take her hand. “You need to stop being so stuck in your head and just learn to go with the flow. We all know you’re smart and independent. We get it. How about you show us you’re willing to let go of your pride and do whatever it takes for your baby?” She looks slightly offended by this, so I add one more bit of information in my attempt to convince her. “I promise to keep my hands to myself … if you do.”
She chews on her bottom lip as she contemplates this proposal. It takes everything in me not to brush her hair aside and kiss those lips. Finally, she smiles. “You like me.”
“What?”
“I see the way you’re looking at me. You don’t just want my golden egg. You want the whole goose. You. Like. Me.”
I chuckle at this comparison. “I’m not sure if you’re referring to the baby or your pussy as a golden egg, but, either way, let’s keep this to ourselves. Yes, I want you. Yes, I … like you.”
She shakes her head, but she’s still smiling. “Okay. I’ll move in with you.”
Chapter Fifteen
I lie awake the whole night wondering if I’ve gotten myself into something that will undo me. I’ve never lived with a girlfriend – not that Senia’s my girlfriend. Yet. I’ve lived with Molly and Grandma most of my life, so I know about all the weird and gross things girls do in the privacy of their homes, but I’ve never actually lived with someone who wasn’t related to me – unless you count the summer before seventh grade when I lived with Elaine, but I never count that.
By the time I show up at Grandma’s house at 9 a.m. on Sunday morning, I’m having trouble keeping my eyes open. Entering the house, I’m greeted by the clanging of dishes in the kitchen. I close the door softly then head for the kitchen to surprise her.
The sight of her washing the breakfast dishes makes me sad. She shouldn’t have to do any cleaning during the last months of her life. I’m hiring her a maid tomorrow.
“Grandma?”
She whips her head around at the sound of my voice and she sighs with relief. “Oh, I’m so happy to see you.”
I give her a hug and a kiss on the cheek before I take a seat at the breakfast table. “Why are you so happy to see me?”
She sighs again, but this time it’s a heavy sigh weighed down by something I’m sure I don’t want to hear. “Molly came home late last night and she was drunk. I’m so worried about her. I tried to talk to her and tell her that we still have a lot of time to be together, but she was so out of it when I put her to bed. I don’t know if she heard anything I said. She’s still sleeping. I want to give her some time to sleep it off before I try to talk to her again.”
“I’ll talk to her,” I offer, gritting my teeth against the sudden urge I have to barge into Molly’s room and shake some sense into her. “It’s my fault she thinks it’s okay to do that. I’ll take care of it.”
“It’s not your fault.”
“Don’t worry about it; just sit down,” I say, grabbing her hand as she reaches for a clean towel to dry the dishes she just washed. She purses her lips as I pull her away from the sink so she can sit at the table with me. “I have some news for you.”
“Well, it better be good. I’m not sure how much more bad news a woman in my condition can take.”
“It’s better than good.” I keep a tight grip on her hand as I lean forward on my elbows and look her in the eye. “I’m having a baby.”
Her eyebrows scrunch up and I can’t tell if she’s confused or if she’s going to cry. “Are you pulling my leg, because this is not funny?”
“No, I’m not joking. Are you not happy?”
She swallows hard and then the tears come and she quickly covers her face.
“Grandma, are you okay?”
She nods her head as she reaches for a napkin in the center of the table. She dabs the corners of her eyes and I start to worry that maybe I was wrong. Maybe she doesn’t want me to have a baby. Maybe she thinks I’m not ready.
What the fuck was I thinking? Of course she thinks I’m not ready.
She stops wiping at her face with the napkin, even though her eyes are still tearing. “When?”
I let out a small sigh. “Not for a while. She’s only a few weeks along. But I know you can make it.” My voice sounds garbled as my throat begins to close. “I know you’re gonna be there when it happens.”
She smiles weakly and grabs my hand. “I’m just so scared of leaving you all behind. The thought of leaving behind one more person …”
“I didn’t mean to upset you.”
“I know,” she replies quickly as she leans forward and stares at the surface of the table. “I think the depression is setting in. The doctor said it would come soon and to prepare myself for it, but I don’t even know how to be prepared for this.” She squeezes her eyes shut and I reach forward to grab her hand. “It just hit me so hard. I feel like I don’t know what to do with myself any more. My mind just goes in circles all day and I find myself in a different room of the house, not sure how or why I’m there.”
I’ve never seen Grandma Flo like this. It kills me to think that the last months of her life will be spent worrying about the people she’s leaving behind.
“I’m going to take care of Molly and the baby. Don’t you worry about them.”
“And the girl?”
“Who?”
“I know you never bring girls here any more, but I’d like to meet the girl who’s going to be the mother of my great-grandchild. I’d like to think you’re going to take care of her, too.” She fixes me with a stern look and I can’t help but smile.
“You’ve already met her.” She looks surprised, so I continue before she can question me. “It’s Senia, Claire’s best friend. She came over a few years ago for Molly’s birthday.”
“I don’t remember her.”
“Well, when you meet her again you’ll never forget her.”
She pulls my hand to her chest and hugs it as if it’s a precious gift. “Thank you for coming here to tell me. When are you bringing her over?”
“Actually, she was here last week while you were asleep.” I take a deep breath and brace myself for the inevitable regret that will come from speaking the words I’m about to say. “But she’s moving in with me next weekend. Do you think you might want to come over with Molly?”
“To … to your house?”
I get a sharp pain in my chest at the sight of her uncertainty. I wish I didn’t have to keep my address a secret from Grandma and Molly – they’re just too easily influenced by Elaine. But I can’t keep being so cautious. I need to show Grandma and Moon that I trust them.
“Yeah, to my house. Senia or I will pick you both up next Saturday. Is that okay?”
“Is that okay? Oh, Tristan, that is not just okay. Those are the most beautiful words I’ve heard in months. I can’t wait to see your house. I’m …” She pauses to collect herself. “I’m so proud of you. You know that, don’t you? Everything you’ve done this year. You’ve made me so proud. And now this … You’ve made me the happiest old woman in the world.”
I smile as I realize that this news has done exactly what I wanted it to do. It’s given Grandma a small thread of hope that she can hold onto for the next few months. I only hope that Molly will feel the same way.
I arrive at the pub at 7.15 p.m., just as Link is setting out two frosty pints of beer in front of Chris. As usual, Chris is sitting in the last seat at the end of the bar. When he sees me, he throws me a curt nod. He’s still not over what happened at the pancake house.
“
Hey, man,” I mutter as I take a seat next to him. “Is this Pliny?”
“What else would it be?”
We sit in silence for probably five minutes, but it feels like an hour. I don’t know if there’s anything I can say to Chris that would make this situation less awkward. Then he says something that makes me feel even more awful.
“They blew us off. There won’t be an open adoption. We got the letter this morning.”
“Fuck. I’m sorry, man. I don’t know what to say. I thought that telling you about … about Senia was the right thing to do. I fucked up.”
“Why? It’s not like…”
I have a feeling he was about to say, It’s not like you can keep the pregnancy a secret. We all know that’s not true. Chris and Claire are living proof of what happens when you hide a pregnancy.
“It doesn’t matter,” Chris continues, then takes a long swig of his beer. “It’s over. Abigail isn’t going to know us. But it’s just the beginning for you two. Don’t do what I did. Don’t fuck it up.”
I stare at the rising bubbles in my glass as I try to absorb these words. “I won’t.”
Chapter Sixteen
Senia
I can’t believe I’m moving off-campus … for a guy! What have I become? Eddie asked me to move in with him at least a dozen times over the summer and I never caved. Just once was all it took from Tristan’s oh-so-suckable lips and now I’m glancing around my cleaned-out dorm room to see if I’ve forgotten anything. There is no hope for me.
I throw an almost-empty bottle of pear-scented hand lotion into the waste bin then I sit on the edge of my bed and lie back to stare at the ceiling. Claire walks in and smiles as she catches me rubbing my belly, but I can see the months of regret etched in that smile as well as the weariness from this past week she’s spent grieving the loss of Abigail.