by EJ Logan
"Congrats guys" Caleb who I had all but forgotten about said as he wrapped his arms around my neck pulling me back into him. Man how I wished that would be us one day. Uh, I need to stop thinking this way.
“So you guys are the first people we've told, because we want to ask you guys to stand up for us in the wedding and be our maid of honor and best man. Will you?” Tess asked hopefully.
"Well, I can't answer for Caleb but you don't even have to ask me. Of course, I will, I'm your girl anything you need Tess, always,” I said before she pulled me into another bone crushing hug.
"Yo man of course I'll be your best man and I'll plan one hell of a bachelor party for ya too,” Of course, all Caleb can think about is the bachelor party.
"Man as much as I appreciate it we've already talked about it and we don't want separate parties. We want the two of you to plan one large party for all of our friends, In Hawaii, which is where we are getting married on November eighth,” Jake said waiting for Caleb's protest about the group party, but I beat him to it.
"Wait a gosh darn second. I was already planning out the strippers and drinks and guest list in my head. Now you're telling me you want one big party. We'll there goes all my fun. I want you to know now Tess that if I ever get married I sure as hell better have some hot strippers at my party,” I said huffing and climbing out of the hot tub to get some champagne. Everyone just laughed at me and continued to talk weddings.
After a couple glasses of champagne and a few more congratulations Tess, and Jake went home. Leaving me alone with my sexy man, and as soon as the door shut behind them Caleb picked me up and carried me to his room, where he kept his promise from earlier.
Caleb
I woke up Friday with Ari in my bed and my arms; I can't believe how comfortable this has become. The thought both scares me and makes me extremely happy. I just don't know what to do with it, with her, with all these new feelings I'm having.
I slid out from under her and made my way to the bathroom. I would usually have her join me, but I needed some time to think about all of this. Maybe I need to go talk to my dad, talk about mom, about my sister. Just the thought causes pain. If they were still here would I still be this way?
A pussy who is too scared to open himself up to getting hurt or losing another person he loves? That's the thing, I know in my heart that I already love Ari more than I have loved any other woman, so why? Why do I keep getting the urge to push her away? It is going to hurt just the same, so why won't I let myself have this? Have her.
Then I think about what she's gone through, and I think what if I do something to hurt her? I couldn't stand to be the one causing her pain. I know ending things now will still hurt, I know she has feelings for me but I think ending it now will hurt her less than if it ends because I fuckup somehow.
That's what I will do, go talk to my dad tomorrow morning and then sit down and talk with Ari in the afternoon. That leaves me tonight to be with her and of course, I promised to have a fucking party tonight. I had my eyes shut, and my head was leaning back against the tile when I felt a hand run over my chest. My Girl, I thought, at least for one more day.
The rest of the day flew by now it was seven, and I was leaning against the kitchen bar talking with the guys as people started flowing in for the party. All that I was thinking of though was Ari in her cute little sun dress and the things I would do to her tonight after I took it off. Then of course I was thinking about tomorrow and me ending this with her for good and that thought is what had me downing drink after drink.
I was already pretty tipsy when I found Ari on the dance floor with some idiot friend of Jake’s from where he worked. He seemed like a pretty nice guy, but that was before he started hitting on my girl.
I was about to go cut in when a hand wrapped around my arm pulling me back. “Hey babe, how have you been?” A feminine voice asked. I turned to see it was one of the regular girls. Shit what was her name? Monica, Morgan, Megan, Mallory yeah I think that’s right.
"Oh hey Mallory, I've been good. You?" I asked not caring just wanting to be polite and get over to my girl.
"Really Caleb we were together like two weeks ago, and you can't even remember my name? It's Melanie, by the way,”
"Oh yeah, sorry sweetheart I'm no good with names, Anyways I have somewhere I need to be I'm sure I'll see ya around,” I said turning away back towards the dance floor, but Ari was no longer there. I looked around the party for a while before I finally found her out back by the pool sharing the hammock seat with that same guy.
I was tempted to go interrupt but looking at her she seemed happy, and I was about to end things between us tomorrow, so why fuck with her head more tonight? So instead I made my way back to the bar where I downed three more shots before finding Melanie and dragging her with me to the dance floor.
We had been dancing for a while, and most everyone was gone when Melanie pulled me off the dance floor and back to the office. Was I really going to do this? Could I do this? Sure the girl was hot but she was no Ari.
"Oh, Caleb I want you so bad, please take me,” She practically begged as we came to the office door. I looked her over and believe me I contemplated just having my way with her. I knew I could do what I wanted with her, and I mean anything I wanted. That's the problem though. I didn't want anything from her.
"Melanie I appreciate the offer, and I'm sorry if I led you on, but I'm just not into it tonight. I've got some shit going on in my head that I need to work out before I get with anyone. Here let me walk you out though,” I said leading her to the door.
“What's happened to you? You are not the same fun guy you used to be,” She said leaning up and kissing me softly on the lips. I just shrugged.
Looking up at the same time I saw Ari standing near the kitchen door staring directly at us, and it broke my heart to see her face change from shock to anger, and then to hurt in a flash before she turned away and went back to her room. Fuck now she thinks I was hooking up with some chick when we were just together a few hours ago.
As soon as the last person was out the door I made my way back to Ari's room. She took what felt like forever to answer her door. In that time I decided I was going to just pretend like nothing happened, I mean technically nothing did. Plus even if it had it's not like Ari and I are a couple or anything right?
"Hey baby, why'd you runoff to your room? I thought we would stay in mine tonight,” maybe this was stupid I knew she was upset, and I was just going to end things tomorrow, so why was I trying to get her in my bed tonight? I know why I want every last fucking moment I can get with her. I wanted to wake up with her in my arms one last time.
"Not tonight Caleb. I... I can't. I'm done, with this, with us. I just can't do it. I'm not the kind of girl to sleep with a guy and not grow feelings for him. I tried I tried not to let them in. I mean I made you a promise before I moved in, but I broke it and seeing you walkout with Melanie tonight I knew I couldn't do this anymore,” She said before turning from me.
I don't even know why I asked this I just wanted to hear her say it. I know it's selfish of me, but I just wanted to know for sure she felt the same as I did. “What do you mean you broke your promise to me? Are you saying you....?”
"Fuck Caleb do you need me to say it? Yes, I Love you. I am fucking in love with you. I want more. I want to be able to love you in front of our friends. I don't want you to hook up with some random girl and then find your way to my bed. I have to have all or nothing, and I know you don't do that, and it breaks my fucking heart, because I know you care for me too. I am pretty sure you love me too. I just don't think you will ever let yourself admit it to me or to yourself. We could be great together Caleb. God I'm fucking drunk and just spilling all my feelings at your feet and all you do is stand there and stare at me. Caleb say something, anything,” She said giving me a little shove.
I couldn't though I tried, but I just couldn't, I didn't know what to say. I was going to end this tomorrow anyways, right? What do I
do? Should I tell her the truth, Should I lie and tell her she's wrong, or should I be a coward and not say anything at all? Just walk away.
"Seriously say something Caleb or I'm done. We are done. It just has to be that way,” She was crying now, and all I wanted to do was pull her into my arms and make her pain go away.
I didn't though instead I just stood there like an idiot as I opened and closed my mouth a couple times trying to form the right thing to say, but in the end I went the way of the coward. The only thing I said before walking out of her room was “I'm sorry, I can't,”
CHAPTERtwentythree
Ari
I woke up feeling like complete and utter shit. After Caleb had walked out of my room, I cried like a baby. What was I thinking? Uhhh I am never drinking again, I never would have confronted him sober. Maybe it was for the best though, how long was I going to continue being his little fling? I still can't believe he hooked up with that chick and then came to me once everyone left.
It just hurts thinking he sees me no different than one of his many sluts. How could I have been so wrong about his feelings for me? I know what I heard that first night at the hotel when he said he loved me, but I guess it just wasn't the same way I love him.
This sucks, how am I going to face him today? I need to take some time to myself, but that's a little difficult when I both live and work for the person I want to avoid.
Hmm, maybe I should just go home for a few days, we should be pretty slow in the office, as long as I'm back by Wednesday it should be fine.
Making up my mind, I started packing enough stuff for the next four days. After a long shower, I finally emerged from my room. I was dreading seeing Caleb this morning, to feel the awkward tension I knew would be there.
As I made my way through the house to the kitchen, I was both a little happy and a little sad that he was nowhere to be found. Maybe he's still in bed I thought.
As I came up to the coffee maker, I saw an envelope with a sticky note on it. I was surprised to see it was from Caleb; he sure left early this morning. Peeling off the sticky note it read.
Ari,
I had to leave early to go see my father, I have a lot I need to talk to him about. I'm not sure what time I'll be home, but it will probably be late. I know we need to talk, but I'm just not good with words so I wrote everything I couldn't say last night in the letter, I hope you can understand. See you soon. Caleb
I thought about reading the letter, but I just couldn't deal with any more rejection. I didn't need an explanation; I got the message loud and clear when he walked out of my room last night.
Crumbling it up I was about to toss it when something made me stop. So instead I smoothed it out and took it to my room to put in my night stand with the many letters I had gotten from Kyle when I was away at college and his last letter, his goodbye.
It's probably not healthy for me to keep these things, but I just haven't been able to let them go either. I haven't read Kyle's goodbye since the night I got it, but I've kept it near me as a reminder of sorts, not of the monster he had become, but of the boy I had once loved with every inch of my heart and soul.
I looked around my room one last time before grabbing my bag and heading out the door. Time to go home. I might be twenty-two, but I just needed my mommy right now.
Caleb
The whole two-hour drive home, well to my fathers it hasn't felt like home to me in many years, all I could do was think of Ari. What was she doing had she gotten my letter, did she except my apology or did she even read it? I know if it were me I would have just tossed it, after being rejected the way I had her.
Why the hell did I do that? "Fuck man you love her" I yelled to myself. Hopefully, by the end of the night things will be the way they should. I'm determined to let go of my past and embrace the future with the one and only woman I have ever loved. I know it won't be easy, but I will give and do anything to hold her in my arms again. Waking up alone this morning, hit me hard it just wasn't right. If she will just give me one more chance. I will spend the rest of our days trying to make up for the pain I caused her and to never see that broken look in her eyes that I saw last night.
Pulling into my father's long drive, I was dreading this. I had called him yesterday to let him know I would be by, but didn't go into details why. My father was once any kids dream dad he was always happy, coaching my baseball teams, taking my little sister to ballet, and especially when he was with mom. They were the perfect couple, no we were all the perfect family.
That is until that one night when everything changed. When they died, he wasn't happy ever again, and that once perfect family was gone in an instant all because of me. If I hadn't insisted on my mom picking me up early from that stupid party.
As I was making my way up the stairs, the front door opened revealing my father. He was a large man about two inches taller than me and built like an ox. He played football through both high school and college, but never went pro. Instead, he chose to live the American dream. Married to his college sweetheart, started a good company, bought a nice house, had the 2.5 kids. Who could ask for more, right?
"Son," He said nodding.
“Father” I quit calling him by dad many years ago.
I followed behind him to the kitchen, where I could see a box on the table, but as we got closer, I saw it wasn't any box, but the box holding all of our family's past. Scrapbooks, photos, and some of my mom's and sisters personal item's. Once I was next to the box the first thing I picked up was my sisters little teddy bear. It was my gift to her on her first Christmas, and she loved it. She would take it everywhere with her, except that night she didn't have it.
They must have left in a hurry, and who could blame mom, she thought her son was sick. I didn't care it was the middle of the night that Jessie and mom were sleeping. All I cared about was getting away from there, away from Kelsey, who humiliated me in front of everyone. I can still remember that night like it was yesterday. I was so excited to go to Brady's party; we were thirteen, and he was having a sleepover party for his birthday. He also invited a group of girls to come over later after his parents fell asleep, since we would be in the basement and could sneak them in.
One of those girls, being Kelsey herself. She was the hottest girl in seventh grade, and I had the biggest crush on her. Everything was going good until it was Kelsey' turn to spin the bottle. She spun, and you could not believe my excitement when it landed on me. That is until Kelsey refused to kiss me. "No way I am not kissing this scrawny loser, I wanted to kiss Brady that's the only reason I came here,” She huffed. My friends always told me what a bitch she could be, but I had never truly seen it until that moment.
"Well, who said I want to kiss you anyway,” I spat out, my eye's filling with tears before I took off upstairs calling my mom to come get me. I just wanted to go home, but my mom never made it. I sat out on the front porch for two hours before Brady's mom found me and told me there had been an accident and my aunt (Tess' mom) was on her way to get me, and that dad was on his way home from his business trip.
"So son, what is it you want to talk about? I'm assuming it's a girl and the way Tess talks about her, she is definitely a special girl. Are you in love?" He asked I gave him a quizzical look not understanding how he knew all this or why Tess would talk to him about Ari. She doesn't even know about me and Ari.
My dad, I mean father must of saw me pondering this because he answered my question before I even asked it. “Tess called yesterday and told me about her engagement and I asked how you were. She said the business was good and that she was pretty sure you were in love with your new roommate, who also happens to be your new PA. She talks very highly of this Ari and from everything she has told me I can see why you have finally fallen for someone. I'm happy for you son. I wasn’t sure if you would ever let a woman in,”
I was in complete shock at his words "Are you fucking kidding me? You're the reason I've never had one single relationship. The things you've always told me a
bout love not being worth the pain of loss, how I should never let my heart get shattered like yours. That no woman would ever stay with someone like me. I could keep going father, the things you liked to tell me when you would have a few drinks are the reason I've never let anyone in and the reason I pushed away the only woman I have ever loved,” I spat at him.
I was livid and just wanted to leave and go home to Ari, I needed her right now. She was it for me, and I knew it now, I did deserve to be happy. Yes, it was my fault my mom and Jessie died but I know they wouldn't want this for me. They would have loved Ari if they were here. My mom probably would have already had me ring shopping if she were here and I have only known Ari a little over a month. The thought of putting a ring on Ari's finger put a smile on my face, I know it's too soon, shit I'm not even sure she will forgive me, but when Tess and Jake announced their engagement that was all I could imagine was Ari in white as she walked towards me.
My father spoke bringing me out of my little fantasy. "Son you know I never meant those things, I was a stupid drunk asshole when I would tell you those things. Yes, losing your mother and sister was the worst moment of my life, and yes it shattered my heart leaving me a shell of a man. But I would never take back the love I felt for her. The time we were all together was the best of my life. Your mother would want to see you happy that was all she ever wanted was to see you happy. You were her world, as you were mine,” He paused as he wiped the tears from his eyes.
I have only seen him cry once in my life, and that was the day he told me mom and Jessie had died. "I...I know you blame yourself, and it probably seemed I blamed you too. I am sorry for that because it wasn't your fault; it was the man who drank too much and ran the red lights fault, but he was no longer around to take the blame. I'm sorry I put that on you, you were just a boy and you deserved so much more, you deserved to hear you were loved every day. You deserved to have a father who wasn't drunk when he was home, who didn't tell you stupid things and treat you like shit. Your mother would be so disappointed at the way I've treated you. I'm so sorry, I know this apology is long overdue but can you ever forgive your stupid old man?" he asked still wiping the tears from his face.