“Change is hard, especially change we don’t ask for. This one’s hard on both of you.” She reached up and placed her hand against my cheek. “I’m sorry.”
“It sucks.” I was tempted to lean into her caress. It took everything I had in me as my father’s proud son to remain stoic and strong. “I hate it for him. He hates being perceived as weak.”
“I think he knows you’re doing everything you can to make it better for him. Don’t beat yourself up about it. Just keep loving him.”
“Yeah.”
I turned my head, pressed my lips into her palm, and brought her hand away from my face. Not wanting to release it yet, I threaded our fingers together. Hers were tiny, delicately formed, her skin nearly as white as the caps of the waves on a choppy sea. Mine were large, and my skin was a ruddy, earthy brown. The contrasts seemed starker with our hands juxtaposed against each other.
“What you said in there about sometimes not getting second chances, it hit me hard.”
“I know.” Hollie’s expression softened more.
“It’s hit you hard too.”
As she nodded, her pretty gray eyes flooded with tears, reminding me of the ocean weathering a winter squall.
“You and I both know love isn’t a soft emotion. It has sharp, jagged teeth that sink in deep, past the mind, through the center of your heart, all the way to the essence of your being. And when something that deep gets ahold of you and then gets ripped away, you lose a part of yourself you can never get back.”
“Yes.” Two large tears welled, then spilled down her cheek.
“I’m sorry about the bodyguard.” I released her hands to sweep the sorrow from her skin with my thumbs. “Sorry I haven’t said that before or been more understanding.”
“You’ve been fine.” Her voice warbled. “Just what I needed.”
“I’ve been an ass. I’m sure you’ve called me all sorts of things in that smart mind of yours.”
She had. Her eyes gave her away, plus the fact that her lips twitched in an upward motion. It gave me a surge of satisfaction to think that I’d almost made her smile when she was so sad.
“This is not an excuse, but more of an explanation so you know why I am the way I am.” I pulled in a breath, formulated my words, and let out more than just my breath as I shared. “It’s basically been just the two of us, me and my dad, all my life. Everything I know about love and being a man, I learned from him and his example. He sees the best in me, but he also demands the best. He raised me to be honest, and being honest for him and me isn’t telling someone what they want to hear, but what they need to hear. You got the brunt of that, when maybe I should have been gentler.”
“It’s real. It’s who you are. I like that you give it to me straight. I don’t want to change you.”
But that was just it. Hollie didn’t want to change me, because she didn’t see me the way I wanted her to see me. As someone she could trust. As someone who would have her back. As someone she would take into her bed.
Yet.
I had some thinking to do. Changes I would have to make. Tangible ones she could see, touch, and feel, so she could trust that my intentions were good and my feelings were real.
I reached for her, placed my hands on her slender shoulders, and leaned down to press a kiss into her hair. The fragrance from the shampoo I’d bought for her wafted into my nose.
The sparkling lavender packaging had gotten my attention, like Hollie had captured my attention the first time I’d caught a glimpse of her in Ash’s apartment. Luminous and alluring like her, the black currant and juicy plum top notes suited her better than just strawberry. The additional blend of creamy sandalwood, dark amber, and sensual vanilla combined with her own unique scent made me burn anew with the desire to fuck her, that was true.
But now I had the additional priority to keep her around for longer than one night.
Hollie
“Let’s get you home.” Diesel threw his leg over the bike, and for a moment I just stared at him, though I knew the drill on how to get on and off the motorcycle now.
Did he realize what he’d just said? Home, not house.
My deepest longing was to have someplace to belong. To live in a home where I was nurtured and supported. A home should be a place where a child could grow up knowing his father had his back, believed in him, and wanted the best for him. Even now as an adult, Diesel had that. Did he realize how lucky he was to have a father like he had? A home like that?
“What’s wrong?” He narrowed his eyes.
“Nothing.” Averting my gaze, I placed my hands on his shoulders and climbed on. I smoothed my hands over the width of his back before sliding my arms around his waist to hold on.
Diesel covered my hands with one of his, tucked them closer to his chest, and then released them to kick the stand free and start the engine. I laid my cheek between his broad shoulders as he steered the motorcycle out of the parking lot, glad he couldn’t see the longing in my expression or the emotion glassing my eyes.
I wanted him. My entire body ached with wanting him, but I wanted so much more than he was willing to give me. Maybe I always had. And that wanting had increased now that I knew so much more about him.
On the main road, I loosened my hold and lifted my head.
Don’t get accustomed to the pleasure of being with him. It’s temporary. Anything he gives, anything you accept, will be only that. Remember what he told Koa, and what he said to his father.
I wasn’t with Diesel. He might take me to his bed, but he wouldn’t want me to remain there the next morning.
His house was a home for him and his father, but I was just a visitor. I didn’t belong.
At the stoplight, Diesel put his feet on the pavement and clasped my hands, pressing them closer into his warm skin. “Hold tighter.”
His low voice resonated deep, deeper already than I should allow. My eyes burned bright with that knowledge, and fear settled like a tight ball in the center of my hollowed-out chest.
I knew what I should do—maintain a safe distance—but was afraid if I did, I could lose even the little he might give me. But wasn’t even a little of him more than I deserved?
When he kicked up the speed on the straightaway, I enjoyed the exhilaration of the wind in my face and holding him a bit longer before he leaned into the last turn. Then the tires bumped off the pavement onto the gravel driveway, and the ride was over. We were back at the house.
I climbed off, slowly backing away from the motorcycle and him, though my instinct was to run. But where would I go when I knew he was what I wanted?
I decided in that moment I would take whatever he would give me.
“Let me help you. The path’s difficult to find in the dark.” He grabbed my hand and dragged me toward the house.
“Yes, the way forward can be a challenge when you don’t have a previous point of reference.”
On a significantly deeper level, the truth of my own words slammed into me.
With Max, I’d proceeded blindly, having no clue how a woman should be with a man who says he loves her. Was it my fault that he’d never confided in me? That he’d gone to Lori for help instead of me? That rather than sharing our concerns or working on our problems together, we had drifted further apart? Had it been my mother’s fault that Samuel had sought consolation with other women, because he felt she hadn’t given him the depth of affection he’d wanted?
Love was a treacherous, razor-sharp emotion.
Diesel had it right. Maybe it was better to find gratification where you could get it.
Maybe I didn’t have to tell him the truth of how messed up my life was to have the little part of him that I knew he would be willing to give.
When I stumbled on that awareness and an unseen obstacle on the front lawn, he suddenly swept me off my uncertain feet and into his strong arms. I could take this as a sign as him making the choice for me.
Because maybe . . . I wanted him to take the choice away from me.
Max had made most of the relationship decisions for us, but that wasn’t the way Diesel operated. That wasn’t the dynamic of him and me together. He expected me to be brave. He pointed out the hurdles, but it was up to me to scale them, to stand up to him, to fight for my right to be equal with him, and in the end to make my own choices—like getting in the ocean today, like surfing.
“You can put me down now,” I told him once he had the door open and we were inside the house.
“Maybe I don’t want to.” Diesel stared down at me, his gaze intense, his eyes a deep reddish-brown heightened with emotion.
“I can stand on my own two feet.” This was important, establishing my own parameters if we proceeded.
“I know you can.” He set me down.
I slid against him on the way to the floor. My front to his, soft curves to hard male contours, the slide was a sensual experience that made my scalp tingle and my toes curl.
“Do you?” I asked him with my hands on his solid forearms. Tilting my head back, I searched his eyes, discovering only certainty in his assessment, and I liked that. After all I’d been through and the long lonely road I saw ahead of me, I liked his confidence in me a lot.
“You know your own mind. I thought I was clear about that earlier today. I might be able to nudge you in the direction I want you to go, but only because you were already contemplating going that way on your own.”
“Maybe.” I thought about the ocean. I wasn’t so sure I could have tackled that hurdle without his help.
And I needed a little more time and maybe a shout-out phone call to my sister before I tackled another one.
“Are you going right back out to the bar, or are you staying around the house for a little while?” I asked him. I didn’t think I could do what I was thinking of doing if he went to the bar and returned again wearing the perfume of another woman.
“I thought I might stay in.” Diesel’s eyes narrowed. “Play the piano. Would you keep me company?”
“Yes. I just need to take a shower.” And call Fanny while the water was running, and he couldn’t hear me. “Do you mind waiting?”
“I don’t. Not at all.”
“Okay.”
On impulse, my second one today, I lifted onto my toes and pressed my lips to his. The previous shiver was inconsequential compared to the full-body shudder that rolled through me from the connection of our mouths. His hands came up, his fingers curling around my upper arms, but I pulled away before he could tighten his grip and pull me closer.
“Thank you for today.”
“You’re welcome. I didn’t do anything. I should be thanking you. I really enjoyed spending time with you.” His eyes searched mine, his brow creasing. “What’s going on?”
No more missed chances to speak what was on my mind. I might lose my nerve with the other. But he needed to know that today had been something special for me.
“Nothing. Last night with the singing. The breakfast this morning. Surfing. Meeting your dad. You included me in your life, and you didn’t have to. I just wanted you to know that it meant something to me that you did. That I had a good time too.”
Before he could respond, I dashed away through the living space, feeling his gaze warm on my back before I turned the corner and popped into the bathroom off the hall. The interior of the house was familiar to me.
Setting my purse on the counter, I looked at the bright-eyed woman in the mirror and almost didn’t recognize her. It was me, sure, but I stood on the precipice of the familiar. Did I have the courage to take a leap into the unknown?
I wasn’t sure yet.
I turned away from the mirror, cranked the water on full blast, and grabbed my phone. Fanny answered on the first ring.
“How are you?” She sounded as breathless as I felt.
“I’m good. Really good, I think.”
“That’s great. When I didn’t hear from you all day, I thought at first it was probably because you were okay. But the later it got without any communication, I started to worry.”
That was a lesson for me, should I proceed with Diesel. Be forthcoming about what I wanted, and what I expected. Secretive silences fostered doubts and suspicions.
“Is Diesel behaving?”
“He’s been wonderful.”
“Our Diesel?”
“Yes. Mostly.” The bar fling, not so much. Ditto with Koa. Focus on the positives. “I had a nightmare last night.”
“You have those every night.”
“Yes.”
“You should talk to someone, Hols. I’m putting my foot down on that one.”
“I agree. I’ll do that when I get back.” When I had nothing to do but prepare for a new phase in my life. Being a single mother.
I placed my hand on my abdomen. Still no swell. No flutter from the kicking of little feet. Except for the nausea, and the dizzy spell I’d had today, it almost didn’t seem real.
“He’s a miracle worker.”
“He’s not. That’s my decision. What he is . . .” I paused, choosing my next words carefully, and went for raw honesty because I needed her to give me unfettered truth, not feed me what she thought I wanted to hear. “I like him. A lot.”
“Oh, Hols. No. He’s not that type of guy.”
“I know that. I just want to keep it real. That’s what he does, and I like that about him too.”
I didn’t want secrets and promises for forever that maybe were never intended to be kept. I had my doubts about Max’s death, the accidental versus purposeful nature of the drowning. More, not less of them after the hour-long interrogation by the Santa Monica police.
Fanny let out a breath. “Diesel is a straight shooter. I’ll give him that. He’s loyal too. He would do anything for his friends. He has a code of ethics. It’s skewed a little differently than most, but he’s committed to it.”
I got all that too. That she saw those attributes as well solidified my decision.
“So, what does liking him a lot and keeping it real involve?” she asked, pressing me for more raw honesty, and I gave it to her.
“Sleeping with him. If he’ll have me.”
“He’ll have you, all right. In a heartbeat. But, honey, you’re not the type to hook up and leave feelings out of the equation.”
I wasn’t, but my feelings were already in it. And I was going to get this one shot with him and one shot only before my life changed and went in another direction. At that point, accepting options like he represented would be over.
“Diesel isn’t going to change. Don’t be one of those women who thinks they can change a guy by sleeping with him. I can’t give you my approval on this, Hols.”
“I know you can’t. I wasn’t calling for that.”
“Why then?”
“Because I love you. Because I want you in my life, and because I trust you to give it to me straight like you just did.”
And because I needed her. I wasn’t cutting Fanny out anymore. What good was life without people beside you who genuinely cared and believed in you to make it meaningful?
Diesel
“Hollie, holy fuck!” My fingers slipped on the keys, creating discordant notes as I drank her in. I hadn’t heard her come in, but come in she had—without a single stitch of clothing on.
“Is this okay?” Uncertain, she shifted from one foot to the other.
“It’s perfect. You’re perfect.” My eyes burned with the vision she was with her hair unbound, long strands of loose platinum spilling over her tits and skimming her insanely small waist.
“Thank you,” she whispered, her shapely legs and beautifully rounded hips seeming to quiver as I lifted my gaze to take in the vision of her a second time, but slower.
“The pleasure is all mine, darlin’.” My hands shook with the desire to touch her. “Better than I imagined, and I imagined you a lot.”
Her nipples puckered from my approval, the tips proud and elongated. My cock was hard as fuck. Her lips parted when my gaze reached her
face again.
“Come closer,” I growled, scooting the piano bench back so abruptly, the feet screeched on the tiles.
“All right.” She padded forward slowly, wearing that crease of vulnerability between her brows.
“Good girl.” I threw my arm wide for her as she scooted between me and the piano.
Leaping to my feet, I lifted her by the waist and set her on the keyboard. The keys clinked in protest at having the weight of her curvy ass on top of them. I dove my hands into her silky hair and pressed my firm lips to her soft ones.
“Babe.” I nibbled her plump berry-flavored bottom lip and applied pressure to the slightly less lush upper one. “Open. Let me have you.”
“Diesel . . .” She breathed my name into my mouth, and I breathed my desire into hers.
Gliding my tongue against hers, I slid the slippery surfaces together before doing some serious exploring. Deep, my tongue went while my fingers flexed insistently at her waist. I kissed her like I planned to fuck her, no holding back. Fast and hard, I took what she gave and gave her more than she could have ever imagined, the way a goddess of fire should be kissed.
Her hands weren’t idle. They were everywhere, like she couldn’t get enough of me. She yanked off my tank and tossed it aside. Up and down my back, her fingers danced, awakening tendons, muscles, and nerves.
“You’re so fucking hot.” I ripped my lips from hers, breaking the kiss, but only so I could lift her higher.
Hollie arched her spine onto the top of the piano, writhing for me while I licked and sucked on one nipple and then the other. She made breathy approving sounds when I went light on the pressure, then hard without warning.
“More, Diesel,” she begged, her fingers tearing the elastic from my hair.
I gave her more, licking, kissing, and nipping every single bit of her tits I could get, while my hands ranged up and down her spine.
“So soft, your skin’s so fucking soft,” I said low. I wanted her to know how much she pleased me as I outlined her curvy hips and ample thighs, marveling at my bounty.
Island Side Page 10