by M. S. Force
“It’s us. We’re good together.”
“So good.”
I’m suddenly paralyzed with fear. Nothing this good can possibly last. It never has before. The last time I allowed myself to get comfortable somewhere, I received a hard lesson on why it’s not prudent to trust other people with my emotions. I’d been in that foster home a year and had started to let down my guard around the family when they told me their son was graduating from college, and they needed the space I was taking up for him. I’ve never let that happen again, until now. My guard is so far down, it may as well not exist at all.
I should stop this while I still can, but damn if I can find the wherewithal to get out of bed while she is warm and soft and naked in my arms. I’ve learned not to risk more than I can afford to lose, and with her, I’m risking everything—my heart, my soul, my sanity—and I’m doing it with my eyes wide open.
Arranging her facedown on the bed, I leave a trail of kisses from her shoulders to her waist, noting the bones that protrude a little too prominently for my liking. I want to take care of her and make sure she’s eating and healing and thriving, but still I worry I’ll end up hurting her and her kids or being hurt by them when she moves on to someone who can give her softness and sweetness.
That’s not me. That’s never been me. No one ever showed me how to be those things. I’m all about harsh and aggressive and pleasing myself first and foremost. I haven’t been that guy with her, but maybe it’s time to give her a little taste of what she’d be getting if she hitches her wagon to me. Raising her to her knees, I roughly push her legs apart with my knees and take a bite out of her ass that will leave a bruise.
She lets out a mewling sound and arches her back, as if asking for more. I do the same to the other side and then hold her cheeks apart and give her my tongue—everywhere. Her sharp cries of pleasure feed the fire burning in me. I slide two fingers into her, curling them for maximum effect as I suck on her clit, and she explodes, screaming as she comes hard. I don’t let up, continuing to give her my tongue and my fingers, sliding one of them into her ass and making her come again, even harder this time. I keep my finger in her ass when I press my cock into her pussy, which is still twitching with aftershocks.
I focus on the pleasure, and only the pleasure. I can’t think about the white-picket-fence fantasy I’ve allowed to take me over since she arrived. That shit happens to other people. Not me. This is what I’m all about—raw, hard, dirty fucking. This I understand. This is what makes sense to me.
As I go at her hard and deep, I experience a twinge of guilt at knowing she’ll be sore tomorrow, but that doesn’t stop me. I wrap an arm around her midsection and hold her still for my fierce possession.
Fisting the quilt on my bed, she gives as good as she gets, her ass pressing back against me, taking everything I give her and crying out as she comes, squeezing my dick and my finger so hard that I lose the control I’ve been clinging to like a life raft in a storm.
I come down from the most incredible high to realize she’s crying. Her tears shatter me. Withdrawing, I turn her so I can see her face, which is wet with tears. “I’m sorry, Aileen. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
She places her finger over my lips, quieting me. “You didn’t hurt me. Well, you did, but it was the best kind of hurt.”
I can’t bear the tears that continue to leak from the corners of her eyes. Everything hard in me goes soft again at the sight of those fucking tears. I love her desperately, endlessly. I kiss away her tears. “Why’re you crying?” The words come out harsher than intended, but her expression never changes as she gazes at me the way Natalie looks at Flynn and Addie looks at Hayden. Is it possible…
No. Just no. Don’t go there. I don’t dare to hope. Fucking hope has bitch-slapped me too many times to be tempted by it again.
“I can’t believe I’ve lived this long without knowing that was possible. What if I’d died when I was sick without knowing—”
I kiss her again because I can’t bear to hear her talk about how she could’ve died—or that she still could. I ache at the thought of this world without her in it, and I realize in one crystal-clear moment that I’ll never be able to stay away from her, even if that might be what’s best for both of us. I’m not strong enough to resist her.
I’m utterly terrified by the things she makes me feel, but I’m not going anywhere.
Chapter 17
Kristian is quiet as he drives me home at eleven. He’s been quiet since the second time we made love. He hardly said a word as he led me to the shower and washed every inch of me, sliding his hands over my body with the reverence of a man in love. He was quiet as he made us delicious veggie omelets that we ate at the bar in his kitchen.
He’s told me he finds my honesty refreshing, but maybe I went too far before with the tears and what I said to him after the most intense sex I’ve ever had. I hadn’t realized I was crying until he asked why. I’d been almost outside myself, if that makes sense, and when I came out of it, there were tears.
We’re driving along the boardwalk in Venice Beach when I give voice to my fears. “Did I do something wrong?” I immediately hate myself for assuming I’m the problem. But what else can I do when I have no idea what he’s thinking?
“Of course not.” He reaches across the gearshift to put his hand on my thigh, the heat of his palm branding me the way it always does when he touches me this way.
“You’ve gone quiet on me.”
“I’m sorry.”
“If you don’t tell me what you’re thinking, I’ll assume I did something wrong or that you’re disappointed after having sex with me.”
“You did nothing wrong, and I am not disappointed after having sex with you. I’m the opposite of disappointed.”
“What’s the opposite of disappointed?”
“Euphoric? Stupidly hopeful? Enchanted? Bewitched? In so far over my head, I don’t know which way is up? To start with.”
“You feel all that?” I ask in a squeaky voice. “For me?”
“God, yes, Aileen. You’ve made a fucking mess of me.”
“You’re not… You’re not happy about it?”
“I’m… confused.”
My stomach starts to hurt. Confused is a long way from happy.
He brings the car to a stop outside my house, where only the living room is lit up, kills the engine and turns to face me. “I’m sorry if I made you feel uncertain.” Running a finger over my cheek, he says, “That wasn’t my intention. Tonight was incredible.”
The light touch of his finger on my skin makes me shiver. “For me, too.”
“I’m flying without a net here. I’ve never done anything like this before.”
“Had sex?” I ask with a coy grin, hoping to cajole him out of the serious mood he’s in.
“Had sex that matters.”
“Are you freaking out?”
“Little bit.”
“We don’t have to… If you don’t want to… I mean, nothing says…”
Smiling, he wraps his hand around my neck and draws me into a soft, devastatingly sweet kiss. “We do have to, and I do want to, but you’ve got to be patient with me as I figure out how to do this. I’m the ultimate fixer-upper.”
“Why’re you so hard on yourself? If only you could see the Kristian that I see.”
“Tell me about him.”
“He’s kind and generous and smart and sexy and so amazing with my kids, who’re falling for him as fast and as hard as I am. He’s successful and sweet and has incredible friends who’d do anything for him, which tells me he’s the kind of man I want in my life, even if he doesn’t think he’s good enough for me and my kids. In his professional life, he’s confident and self-assured, but in his personal life, he’s filled with self-doubt. I’m trying to reconcile those two guys.”
He stares at me for a second, his mouth opening and then closing.
“How’d I do?”
“You summed me up rather
well,” he says gruffly.
“What’re we going to do about this self-doubt in your personal life, which, from my vantage point, seems to be going rather well at the moment. Unless I’m mistaken…”
“You’re not mistaken.”
“Come in for a while.” I need to sleep, and so does he, but I need more time with him more than I need sleep or anything else.
He releases his seat belt, and we walk in together.
Cece is on the sofa, curled up with a book. She smiles when we come in.
“Hi there. How were they?”
“They were great. We had a nice time. Logan is so smart, and Maddie is just the sweetest little girl.” She puts the book into her bag and slides her feet into flip-flops. “Did you guys have a good dinner?”
I wonder if she knows exactly where we’ve been and what we’ve been doing. “We did,” I say, trying to keep my expression neutral. I’ve never had anything to hide from a sitter before, and I feel the need to giggle all of a sudden.
“What time do you need me on Saturday?”
“Can you do five?” Kristian asks.
“Sure, no problem. What time do you expect to be back on Sunday?”
“By noon?” he says.
“That works for me.”
I withdraw my wallet from my purse to pay her.
“All set,” Kristian says, handing her some rolled-up cash.
I want to protest, but I won’t argue with him in front of her. I show her out and thank her again.
“It was a pleasure. Your kids are adorable.”
“That’s so nice of you to say.”
“I wouldn’t say it if it wasn’t true. See you on Saturday.”
I watch her get into her car and wave as she drives off. “How much did you pay her?” I ask him.
“I don’t recall.”
“Kristian! Come on. You can’t pay for my babysitters!”
He puts his arms around me. “Why not?”
I flatten my hands on his chest to keep him from distracting me. “Because they’re my kids, and I pay for them.”
“It makes me happy to do things for you—and for them. You want me to be happy, don’t you?”
“Don’t be manipulative.”
His face lights up with a sexy grin and those dimples… Dear God, the dimples… It’s not fair. How am I supposed to fight with those damned dimples?
“I know you’ve raised your kids all by yourself, and I so admire what a great job you’ve done with them, but you’re not alone anymore.” As he says those words, something that resembles fear skirts across his expression before he schools his features. He swallows hard. “You have to let me help out once in a while, because I want to, not because I feel I have to.”
“Does saying that to me scare you?”
He nods.
“Why?” I ask, genuinely curious.
“Because as much as I want you, I’m still terrified I’ll disappoint you. And the kids.”
“Of course you will. No one’s perfect, and I don’t expect you to be. I’ll probably disappoint you, too.”
He leads me to the sofa and sits next to me, putting his arm around my shoulders to draw me in close to him. “Not possible.”
“Yes, it is,” I say, laughing. “You haven’t seen me when I have PMS or when chemo brain kicks in.”
His brows knit adorably. “What the heck is chemo brain?”
“Confusion, forgetfulness, memory failure, tripping over my own feet, to name a few things, and irritability when any of the above occurs. It can be as short-lived as a year after chemo, or it can last forever. I haven’t had it too bad, but I’m definitely more forgetful and clumsier than I was before I had chemo. I’m also tired a lot.”
“I hate to think about you going through such an ordeal by yourself with two kids.”
“I had a lot of great support from Logan’s school community and friends like Nat and Flynn, who stepped up for us.”
“I wish I’d known you then.”
“I’m glad you didn’t. Anyway, you haven’t seen me at my worst, by any means.”
“I want to see you at your best, your worst and everything in between.”
“Can’t you understand that I want that with you, too?”
“I bet my worst is a whole lot worse than yours.”
“I want you to do something for me.”
“Anything.”
“I want you to give yourself permission to enjoy this as much as I am.”
“Are you? Enjoying it?”
“So much.” I turn his face toward me so I can kiss him. “You can’t tell?”
“Maybe you’d better show me again.”
“Hold that thought for one second while I go check on my kids.” I get up to go peek in on the kids, who are both sleeping soundly. Returning to the living room, I crook my finger at Kristian and then head for my bedroom. When he joins me, I close the door and lock it.
“What’s going on?” he asks, raising a brow.
Sliding my arms around his neck, I go up on tiptoes to kiss him. “More of this maybe?”
“Mmm,” he says against my lips. “I could be down with that.”
“And I want to talk about the things you want.” I swallow hard. “In bed.”
“What we did tonight is more than enough for me.”
“But that’s not how you like it.”
“Was there anything about what happened earlier that I didn’t seem to like?”
“You know what I mean. You want more than that.”
“Not with you.” He kisses my forehead, the end of my nose and my lips. “With you, what we did was more than enough.”
I pull free of his tight hold.
“Where’re you going?”
“Over here.” I sit on the edge of the bed and wrap my arms around my legs.
“What’s wrong?”
“Why won’t you be truthful with me?”
He slides his hands into his pockets. “I’ve been more truthful with you than I’ve ever been with anyone.”
“Then tell me why you want those things with other women but not with me.”
“I don’t need it with you. It’s already so much more just because it’s you.”
I want to believe him, but recalling what Natalie said about how Flynn and the others need kinky sex has me wondering if he’s telling me everything.
“What if I want it?”
He sits next to me on the bed. “What if you want what?”
I lick lips that have gone dry. “The things you talked about before.”
“You’re going to have to be more specific.”
“I want to submit to you.”
He sucks in a sharp deep breath. “You have no idea what you’re saying.”
I’m not sure what compels me to move, but I find myself dropping to my knees in front of him. “Teach me.”
“Aileen…”
Looking up at him, I go for my best innocent expression, hoping to tempt him. “Yes, Sir?”
Gritting his teeth, he says, “You’re playing with fire.”
“Will I get burned, Sir?” My heart beats wildly as I watch him try to decide how to proceed—and yes, I can see the dilemma he’s grappling with.
Then he unbuckles his belt and opens his pants, freeing his cock. “Is this what you want?” he asks in a sexy growl as he strokes himself.
“Tell me what you want.”
“Suck my cock.”
Yes, please… “How do you like it?”
“Wrap your hand around the base.”
I follow his direction, and he gasps when my hand brushes against his sensitive skin.
“Tighter.”
I tighten my grip.
“Stroke it. Hard and fast.”
My heart beats erratically, and I remind myself to breathe as I give him what he wants. With his hands propped behind him on the bed, his head falls back and his hips move in time with my hand. His eyes are closed, so he has no warning when I lean over him a
nd draw the wide head into my mouth.
He gasps sharply, which fills me with satisfaction and a sense of my own power.
Pleasuring a partner has never turned me on the way it does now. I want him to love this. I want it to be the best he’s ever had, so I devote myself to him, taking his cock into my mouth and retreating, lashing him with my tongue and sucking as hard as I can. He’s so big that my lips are stretched to their limit.
He gasps and moans and thrusts his hips but doesn’t try to take over the way I expect him to.
When I sense he’s getting close, I cup his balls and roll them gently between my fingers.
“Fuck,” he mutters in that gruff, sexy tone I’ve come to love so much. “Aileen… Stop. Babe…”
I don’t stop. Instead, I stroke him faster and suck him harder.
He explodes in my mouth, something I used to hate with Rex, but with Kristian, it seems perfectly natural to swallow every drop and lick him clean while he trembles in the aftermath. Falling back on the bed, he releases a deep breath and reaches for me.
I crawl on top of him.
His arms come around me, his lips skimming my forehead.
“How’d I do?”
He grunts out a laugh. “You ruined me.”
“I want to be the best you’ve ever had, so tell me if there was something you want that I didn’t do.”
“Aileen…” He sighs. “Everything about you is the best I’ve ever had.”
Well… As far as compliments go, they don’t get much better than that. “Could I ask you something else?”
“Sure,” he says, but I hear hesitance.
“This, between us… You aren’t going to suddenly decide you can’t do it and run away from me, are you?”
“No,” he says, sounding resigned. “I’m not going to run away.”
I raise myself up on one arm so I can see his face. “Is this what you want, Kristian? Am I what you want?”
He cups my face in his big hand, his thumb dragging over my lips. “I tell myself I should stay away so you can find a nice, normal guy who can be what you need. But the thought of any other guy touching you makes me insane with jealousy. I tell myself that you could do better, that you deserve better, but I can’t stay away. I’m on my way back to you before I consciously decide to come here. From the second I first saw you, I’ve been a disaster, and that’s all your fault.”