by M. S. Force
I love it. I want more. “Don’t stop.”
“Fuck, Aileen,” he says through gritted teeth, but he doesn’t stop.
The next thing I know, I’m in his arms, looking up at him. I blink him into focus. Why does he look so concerned?
“Thank Christ,” he mutters. “You totally punched out on me.” He caresses my face and runs his hand down my arm. “Are you okay?”
I feel… divine. I can’t recall the last time I was so relaxed or free of worry. It’s like I’m floating on the softest cloud in a sea of absolute contentment.
He gives me a little shake. “Aileen.”
“I’m fine. Better than fine.”
“You are? Really?”
Nodding, I grasp his hand and link our fingers. “I loved it.”
“You came so hard.”
“I did?”
“You don’t remember?”
“Not really. It’s like I was somewhere else or something. I can’t explain it.” As I regain my senses, I realize my ass and pussy are tingling.
“It’s subspace. That’s what happens when the endorphins kick in.”
“I feel so relaxed.”
“I’m glad one of us is relaxed. You kind of scared me with the way you zoned out.”
“I’m sorry you were scared.”
“I don’t know if I can do this stuff with you. I love you so damned much. The thought of hurting you makes me sick.”
“You didn’t hurt me, and I knew how to stop it. Did you hear me say I loved it?”
“Yeah, but—”
I kiss him. “No buts. I loved it. I want more.”
He shakes his head in disbelief. “I’m still trying to figure out how I got lucky enough to find you.”
“We were both lucky to find each other. Everything is going to be better now.”
Tightening his hold on me, he says, “You promise?”
“I promise.”
Epilogue
I’ve never had a warm, soft place to land before, and now that I do, I want to wallow in it. I want to wallow in her. I want to be with her all the time. The best part is, she wants to be with me just as much. We no longer try to hide from the kids the fact that I sleep in her bed. Last night, during a thunderstorm, Maddie crawled into our bed and let me comfort her while Aileen slept through the whole thing.
Holding her little girl in my arms during the storm, I told her that nothing can find her in the dark, not even the thunder or lightning. “The dark,” I whispered, “is your friend.”
“I used to be scared of the dark,” she whispered back.
“There’s no need to be. I’m here now. You’ve got nothing to be afraid of.”
She fell asleep in my arms and stayed there all night.
Despite our best efforts, the story about my past exploded in the media, every sordid detail broadcast and printed for the world to see. Rather than being consumed by it, though, I’ve cruised below the radar, spending time with Aileen, the kids and our friends. I’ve ignored every report and the scores of interview requests. Liza put out the word that I won’t comment on my mother’s case now or ever.
I’ve accepted the heartfelt condolences of business associates, friends, former subs and others who’ve only just heard about my mother’s murder. I thank each person and move on, unwilling to linger on the pain of the past when the present is so sweet.
I’ll have to testify at the trial, which I’ll gladly do to make sure the man who killed my mother gets what he deserves. For thirty-three years, he lived free and clear after killing my mother and subjecting me to a life I wouldn’t wish on anyone, let alone a helpless child. But the trial is months in the future, and for now, I focus on my many blessings rather than dwelling in my painful past.
Today, we’re attending the carnival Flynn and Natalie’s childhood hunger foundation is hosting at a Calabasas estate. I’m proud to sit on the board of directors of this great organization and have established a scholarship in my mother’s name that will be awarded annually to children who grow up in the foster care system. I like to think that if she’d lived, my mother would’ve found a way out of prostitution and drug abuse. Maybe that never would’ve happened, but it brings me comfort to think about a better life for both of us.
In the meantime, I’m focused on the better life that I’ve found with Aileen. Yesterday, she heard from the oncologist that her tests came back normal. He said he’d see her in three months, when we’ll go through the whole cycle again. She tells me I’ll get used to the waiting, the worrying, the speculating. I doubt I’ll ever get used to it, but I’ll find a way to handle it because that’s what she needs me to do—and there’s literally nothing I won’t do for her.
On the way to Calabasas, the kids chatter with excitement about the rides, the petting zoo, the face painting and the prizes, one of which is a pony I donated in exchange for Natalie making sure that Maddie is the winner. I donated two more, along with stable fees, so two other kids will get lucky, too. Logan is set to win a drone. In the park last week, he was fascinated by one we saw, and I wanted to get him one of his own.
Since Aileen won’t let me spoil them, I have to get creative.
But those aren’t the only surprises I have planned for today.
We arrive at the estate where valets are on hand to take care of the Mercedes G-Wagon I find myself driving more and more often as it has room for a family.
I have a family. An actual family, not just the one I’ve cobbled together over the years, but one that belongs exclusively to me. It’s my most prized possession.
As we walk toward the tents and rides, Maddie slips her hand into mine. She’s feeling shy about the big crowd now that we’re finally here. I reach down to pick her up, and when she wraps her arms around my neck, I swear my heart skips a beat.
“I’ve got you, pumpkin.”
She holds on tighter to me.
I love it. I love her.
We encounter our entire gang on the way in. Flynn’s sisters and their families are there, along with his parents, who greet us warmly. I use my free arm to hug Stella and Max Godfrey, the closest thing to parents I’ve ever had.
“Who’ve you got there, Kris?” Max asks in his big, booming voice.
Maddie snuggles in tighter.
“This package? This is Maddie, and she’s excited to ride the ponies today.”
“Oh, I love ponies,” Max says.
Maddie lifts her head off my shoulder to give Max a skeptical look, as if to ask if he’s for real. “You’re too big for ponies,” she says.
Max laughs. “I’m not too big to lead them around for little girls like you.” He tugs on a lock of her hair. “Will you let me lead your pony?”
Enchanted by him, Maddie nods.
Max offers a high five. “It’s a date.”
Maddie smacks her hand against his, and my heart… It’s so full of love for them, the man who gave me everything, and the little girl, who, along with her brother, is slowly but surely making a father out of me.
Maddie holds on to me until she sees the rides, and then she’s all about the merry-go-round with Logan, who tolerates the ride because he knows she wants to sit on the horses.
Aileen and I wave to them as they go by.
This is what it’s like to be a dad, I realize. Having never had one of my own, I hope I can figure it out as I go along. Thankfully, I have men like Max Godfrey in my life to show me how it’s supposed to be done.
“You’re so great with them,” Aileen tells me, as she does most days.
I never have to wonder if she approves of the way I deal with the kids. Her complete support and encouragement of my relationships with them is one of many ways she demonstrates her love for me every day. I can’t think about the other ways she demonstrates her love, or I’ll be hard as a rock anticipating bedtime, which has become my favorite part of the day.
“They make it easy on me, and I love them as much as I love their mother.” I kiss the top of her head. T
he curly hair that’s getting longer tickles my nose.
“I used to hope that someday I’d meet a guy who loved me and my kids, but you’re so much better than anything I ever dared to hope for.”
“Even when I snore and hog the bed and demand sex three times a day?”
She leans into me, and I wrap my arm around her. “Even then,” she says on a long sigh.
This… This is what contentment feels like. That’s one of many new emotions, including joy, that I’ve learned to identify in the last few weeks. I experience them so often these days that they’re like new friends, along for the ride that is my wonderful new life.
Natalie comes over to us, bright-eyed and smiling at the successful event she spearheaded as the foundation’s director. Everyone is thrilled about their big news. They’ll be amazing parents. “Having a good time?” she asks.
“The best time,” Aileen says.
We wave at the kids as they go by again.
“Can I steal Aileen for a few minutes?” Natalie asks me.
“If you must.” I reluctantly release her.
“Do you mind being on kid duty for a few?” she asks.
“Not at all, and you don’t have to ask me. I never mind being on kid duty.”
Smiling, she kisses me and takes off with her friend. I love seeing her healthy, tanned and happy. I’m so damned thankful for her continued good health, and I, who never said a prayer in my life until recently, beg God every night to keep her that way because I can’t live without her.
The kids come off the merry-go-round, and I take them to get cotton candy. While they enjoy the sweet treat, I ask them if I can talk to them about something.
Logan is immediately wary.
“Nothing bad,” I quickly add. “In fact, it’s something kind of cool. At least I hope you’ll think so.”
“What is it?” Maddie asks, her mouth full of sugar that stains her lips pink. She’s so damned cute.
Here goes… “I was wondering how you guys would feel about me asking your mom to marry me.”
For what feels like forever, neither of them replies.
Maddie glances at Logan, looking for him to take the lead.
“Would you be our dad then?” he asks.
“Only if you want me to.” Please want me to. Please…
“That’d be cool,” he says, taking another bite of his cotton candy, as if he hasn’t just changed my life with three little words.
Maddie nods in agreement. “I want you to.”
I put my arm around her. “I want that, too. What do you think your mom will say?”
“Duh,” Logan says with preteen disdain. “She’ll cry and freak out.”
“You think so?”
“She’s a girl. They freak out over stuff like that.”
Snorting with laughter, I bump his shoulder with mine. “You’re very wise about women for only being nine.”
“I’m almost ten.”
I love the way he says that. I can’t wait to see what he’s like at sixteen or seventeen. Hell, I can’t wait to see him at every age and to watch him become a man.
“Don’t say anything to your mom, okay? I want to surprise her later.”
“Can we come when you surprise her?” Maddie asks.
“Of course you can.” I’d already decided they should be part of it. After all, they’ve been part of us from the beginning, and they always will be. I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Maddie’s beaming smile tells me she likes my answer.
Aileen finds us a short time later, and we fully enjoy the carnival. The kids are ecstatic when they win the pony and the drone. Their mother, on the other hand, is suspicious.
“I can’t believe they both won such extravagant prizes,” she says while we watch Maddie get to know her new pony, while Logan shows the drone to Flynn’s nephews and some other boys.
“I know! It must be their lucky day.”
“Or someone arranged for it to be their lucky day.”
“Who would’ve done that?”
“Gee. I wonder.”
I should’ve known she’d figure me out. “What do you think Maddie will name her?”
“We’re going to talk about this later.”
“Talk about what?”
She elbows me in the gut.
I crack up laughing, sling my arm around her and direct her toward the face painting so we can check on the kids.
* * *
Three hours later, we lead two tired, dirty, happy kids back to the main entrance to the estate and claim the car from the valet stand.
“What was your favorite part?” I ask them once we’re on our way to our next destination. I can get away with heading away from home because Aileen hasn’t lived here long enough to realize we’re going the wrong way.
“Winning Daisy!” Maddie says of the pony.
“The tilt-a-whirl and the drone,” Logan says. “When can we fly it?”
I catch his eye in the rearview mirror. “We’ll take it to the park when we get home.”
“Not tonight,” Aileen says. “It’ll be too late.”
“Oh, come on, Mom! It’s summer vacation.”
I nudge her leg and send her a pleading look. By now I know better than to contradict her when it comes to things like bedtimes and eating vegetables.
“Thirty minutes tonight, and that’s my final offer.”
“Fine,” Logan huffs.
I look at him in the mirror, raising a brow. “Logan?”
“Thanks, Mom,” he says begrudgingly.
She smiles at me.
I wink at her.
We got this.
We’re almost to our destination, about a mile from the estate where the carnival was held, when she tunes in to where we are.
“This isn’t the way home.”
“Isn’t it?” The joyful feeling that’s become so familiar in recent weeks takes flight once again. I’m so excited to surprise her, I can barely contain myself long enough to drive through the gates, pull up to the house and cut the engine.
“What is this place?” she asks, leaning in for a closer look.
“Come on in, and I’ll tell you.” Without giving her a chance to reply, I get out of the car and head for the front door to punch in the code I was given yesterday. I hear three car doors close behind me as I step inside and wait for them, taking a series of breaths to calm a sudden outburst of nerves. I’ve never done anything remotely like this. What if I get it wrong? What if she says no? What if…
Stop. The inner voice inside my head, the same one that once told me I was doing the right thing staying away from Aileen, now speaks up to let me know I’m getting wound up for nothing. She won’t say no. She loves me like no one else ever has. I’m safe with her, and this is going to be the best day of our lives.
“Kristian, what’re we doing here?”
The kids are uncharacteristically quiet, which I appreciate. They’re in on the surprise, so they know to let it play out.
“Let me show you around, and then I’ll tell you more.”
“Okay…”
Maddie giggles at her mother’s obvious befuddlement.
Logan, I notice, keeps a close eye on Aileen, looking for any signs of trouble. I hope that in time, he’ll stop anticipating disaster around every corner and start acting more like a regular kid again. In the meantime, however, he watches her as I lead them into the huge kitchen that forms the heart of the big, open house. It’s eight thousand square feet and has a separate suite for the kids who would each have their own bedroom and bathroom. It’s also got a media room that Logan says is “sick,” a game room, in-ground pool, pool house, outdoor kitchen and incredible views of the Pacific. On the other side of the pool house is a building that could be converted to a stable for Daisy the pony.
But the best part, at least in my opinion, is the master suite that takes up most of the second floor. It includes a huge bedroom with an adjoining bathroom and a cozy little hideaway where
I can see us spending time alone together after the kids are asleep. There’s a fireplace and glass walls that look out on the ocean. The master bedroom is what sold me on the place, and I can tell that Aileen loves it as much as I do.
Next to the master bedroom are three smaller bedrooms that we might fill someday with more kids. Hey, a guy can dream. She’s shown me that it’s safe to dream big.
But before I can see to future dreams, I need to seal the deal on the one I’m currently living.
“What do you think?” I ask her when we’ve checked out every room, the pool and the backyard. We’re downstairs in the family room off the kitchen.
“It’s… the most beautiful house I’ve ever seen. Whose is it?”
I’ve practiced what I’m going to say for days, and now that the moment is upon me, I use the trick that Flynn once told me he relies upon when memorizing lines. Nail the opening, he said, and the rest will come. Here goes nothing.
Rather than answer her question, I have one for her. “Remember when you said you need to register Logan and Maddie for school?”
“Yes,” she says, obviously baffled. “What about it?”
“They have great public and private schools in Calabasas.”
She looks at me in total confusion, those expressive eyes bigger than ever. “But we live in Venice Beach. That’s where they’ll go to school.”
“Well, I was thinking that maybe we could all get a place together, and this house was on the market…”
She gasps, covers her mouth and takes another look at the foyer, the grand staircase, the formal living room on the left and the study on the right. “Wh-what’ve you done?”
“I bought this house for us. For all of us.” I drop to my knees and hold out my hands to her.
Gasping again, she joins her trembling hands with mine.
I nod to the kids, urging them to come closer, and they stand on either side of her with their arms around her. “Aileen, I love you, and I love Logan and Maddie. I’ve waited all my life for a family of my own, and now that I have you guys, I want us to be a family in every way if you’ll have me. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you or for them, and earlier today, Logan and Maddie told me they’d like for me to be their dad.”