by Rebel Wild
I watch as she turns away from me, defeated, and I put my hands in my pockets to keep from reaching out to her.
“I’ll never forget you, Tristan,” I hear her whispered promise as she walks out the door.
“I’ll never forget you, Sydney,” I say, only after the door closes behind her.
“She’s gone,” Joe says, as I sit in the great room, nursing a scotch. “You want me to change the locks and all that shit you do after the others?”
“No.”
He nods and walks away. I wander around the house that’s suddenly too big and too quiet. Normally, I have all traces of my submissive removed once she leaves, but that’s just impossible with Sydney. She’s everywhere. She’s in my library, my office, my bed. Fuck, she’s in my bed. I’ll never be able to sleep peacefully again without her.
I try to throw myself into work, poring over the pile of briefs I have on the coffee table, but like I always do, I find myself waiting for her to come downstairs and join me.
She’s even here.
I close my eyes and I can almost feel her presence. I can almost feel her coming to me as I practice my closing arguments. A part of me is grateful for the feelings but another part of me is praying for the day they’ll fade away and she’ll be a distant memory. I laugh out loud despite myself. Maloney would be proud. I finally admit I have feelings for her, but what good will they do me now?
She’s gone.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
One Year Later
“I can’t believe I let you talk me into this shit,” I tell Brianna as I sit pissed off and glaring at the doorway of my office where she’s standing.
“Hey, it’s about time you got back out there,” she tells me, trying hard not to sound amused at my expense. “There are a whole lot of women out there just waiting to be caught on your hook.”
“And you expect me to find them at some damn college award ceremony? I get you’re proud of your cousin winning, but why the hell did you have to talk me into going?”
“Because you’re a public figure and it’s your duty to show support.”
“Bullshit and don’t you have some packing to do?”
Brianna has been on my ass to start dating again for the past two weeks. How that conversation ended with me going to some stupid Universal Language awards for the freshman at Stanford University is still a mystery to me. I hope it’s not some misguided attempt to keep me from being lonely once she and Joe move into their new place next month.
True to their words, they’ve stayed clean and I know they’re serious this time. Once his probation was up, I had Joe’s accounts unfrozen. He had complete access to his inheritance, but instead of him taking the money and running, he hired a very reputable financial advisor known for keeping drugged-out stars from blowing their money up their nose.
He comes in with a stupid grin on his face and I want to punch him in the eye. Why is he so damn happy all of a sudden? Yesterday, he had a stick so far up his ass he almost choked on it.
“What the hell’s so damn amusing?” I bark at him when Brianna leaves. “I’m in a bad mood and I don’t have time for your bullshit.”
“What did I even do?”
“You smiled.”
“I had no idea.” The fuck he didn’t. I decide to let it go and give the guy a break. I’ve been jumping down his throat more often than not lately. “I have the list of the students being honored,” he tells me as he puts it on my desk in front of me.
“Like I give a shit,” I say, about to toss it in the trash.
“Might I suggest you look under the letter W.”
“W,” I repeat, thumbing through the pages. I scroll down the list until I see her name in bold letters. It’s typed no differently than the one above or below it, but to me, it stands out like a beacon. “Sydney Warren,” I say it aloud for the first time in little under a year.
“The one and only,” Joe says.
The last time I said it, I was forbidding Mom to speak it again in my presence. I admit it was out of frustration. She’d been on me for weeks after I told her we’d decided to go our separate ways and she’d moved to Montreal to be close to her mother. Mom was convinced I’d fucked it up and was giving advice on how to get her back. After a while, things just went back to the way they were before Sydney even entered my life, except for the merry-go-round of submissives I used to forget her.
Sydney is still my only long-term contracted sub. Now I use the services of Luella LaSalle, Madame to the stars, as she so proudly boasts. I ignore her breaking the law and she supplies me with women to fuck. Often, it’s a redhead that looks like Sydney, but I’m always disappointed and unfulfilled. I have yet to fuck anyone. I simply don’t find them very fuckable. It’s as if she took my cock with her. I can’t blame him. He knew no one else would be half as good as she was. Maloney keeps cracking jokes about my right hand getting hairy. He’s having a field day trying to work this one out for me.
“I thought she moved to Montreal,” I ask Joe as I continue to stare at her name. It’s the closest I’ve been to her in a damn year.
“Only for a few months.”
Joe and Brianna are still friends with her. Brianna talks to her often, but she never gives me any details. I would be too tempted to interfere if she was to tell me that she was happily involved with someone.
“Is there a problem with her and her mother?”
“Doesn’t appear to be,” he says. “Bree would tell me if there was.”
“Maybe I shouldn’t go. I wouldn’t want to ruin it for her.”
“I think she’ll be happy to see you.”
“You two set this up, didn’t you?” I ask of him and Brianna, finally figuring out why she’s been pressuring me to do this stupid event. “Damn it, Joe…”
“Yeah?” he asks when I stop my rant.
“Thank you.”
“It’s what I’m here for.”
I’ve been counting the days anxiously waiting for this ceremony so I can see Sydney again. I sit listening to the chancellor drone on with his speech as I discreetly scan a few rows of students, looking for her until I hear him call her name. I flip through the program that was handed out earlier, but I didn’t bother to read. Sure enough, her name is there as a speaker. As she approaches the podium, I stand up. My eyes lock with hers. I try to read her face and it looks to be a cross between shock and happiness. I’ll gladly take that and it makes me relax a little. Realizing the reason she sees me is that I’m the only one standing, I give her a nod and sit down. She smiles that brilliant smile at me.
My memories haven’t done her justice. My cock is making it hard to get comfortable. He’s happy again after a year of being stagnant. She clears her throat before she begins, scanning the crowd, looking at random people to make what she’s saying seem more personable. I grin, knowing damn well she isn’t looking at them, but at their foreheads. She has them eating out of the palm of her hand. Damn, I’ve missed listening to her talk.
With a round of applause, she sits down, letting Brianna’s cousin deliver her speech. I’m sure I’d be impressed if I was listening to her. I find myself wishing she would hurry up. I’m itching to talk to Sydney. My mind is racing as to what I’m going to say to her.
Jesus Christ, how many performances and speeches are they allowing? They’ve dragged this out for over an hour. Every damn body and their mother have something to say. Finally, they hand out the awards. When it’s all over I beeline to her, ignoring the blonde that’s trying to let me know she’s interested in me.
Her smile widens the closer I get until she’s looking up at me with those beautiful green eyes.
“Congratulations, Miss Warren,” I tell her, flashing a smile.
“Thank you,” she says.
The chancellor is calling her name to join them for pictures and I want to tell him to f
uck off, but I refrain from ruining this for her.
“May I speak with you after?” I ask her.
“Yes,” she quickly says.
Satisfied, I let her go, albeit reluctantly, and she joins her classmates. Somewhere between watching her take pictures and the start of the celebration dinner, I get cold feet. I have Joe tell Sydney that I was called away on an emergency. I watch as he approaches her as she eagerly waits in an open space away from the crowd so that I can easily spot her. Her head is moving all around, scanning people, as she wants one of them to be me. She smiles when she sees Joe, but her smile quickly fades when he delivers the news. She nods her head and they exchange a few more pleasantries before saying their goodbyes. I know he’s pissed. He just gave me my dream come true on a silver platter, and once again, I let it slip through my fingers. I go straight to Maloney.
“Tristan, what brings you—”
“I’m fucked up,” I tell him. “Fix me so that I can be with Sydney.”
“Sydney?” He says, shocked at the mention of her.
“I saw her today at an award ceremony.”
“I see,” he says, pointing to a seat and I sit down. “At the risk of sounding cliché, how did that make you feel?”
“Alive,” I tell him. “For the first time in a year, I don’t feel dead inside.”
“But what’s changed? Last I dared mention her name, you were adamant that you were moving on.”
“It was easy to pretend when I thought she was far away in Montreal. When Joe dropped that list of students with her name on it on my desk and I saw it right there in black and white, I couldn’t pretend anymore. Just seeing her fucking name gave me a new purpose and when I saw her, I knew I couldn’t live without her. I know I can’t.”
“What if she’s moved on? It’s been a year without any contact from you. What if she’s found someone else?”
“I’ve already thought about the possibility of her being with another man and I hate it, but I don’t mind fighting for her. I know I’ll win, but to even compete, I have to have something to offer her.”
“And what exactly is it that you’re offering her?”
“That’s why I’m here. I need to figure my shit out and fast.”
He smiles, as his chest swells with pride at me finally, after all this time, coming to him willing and ready to work on my issues.
“Cancel my appointments for this evening,” he tells his secretary. “And bring in some dinner menus. Mr. Garrett’s treating us.”
I shake my head at the arrogant prick.
One Month Later
“Are you sure this is her place?” I check in with Joe on the phone as I pull up outside a vintage bookstore in Stanford.
I flew up today under the guise of business, but the truth is I never really left. I’ve been staying at the Hotel Rosewood. I fly back to LA to have intense sessions with Maloney. He’s made me face up to my self-loathing. We’ve been peeling back the layers of the toxic dump that is my relationship with my father. I’ve had to come to terms with his influence over me. I had to admit he’s why I feel I’m unworthy of happiness with her and why I feel I’ll only end up destroying all that’s good in her. I was so afraid of becoming like him that I was making it happen. Man, he fucked me up.
The shrine dedicated to him was unceremoniously put into storage. I would have gotten rid of the whole damn library, but it reminds me of Sydney too much.
Maloney’s also made me see that she’s not a kid anymore, that she’s a woman who’s capable of making up her mind, and if by some act of God she sees something worth her while in me, I should trust her instincts. Secretly, I still think it might all be bullshit from a quack therapist but I’m trying it.
I walk through the brown, smelly old store. There’s a little reading nook with a Dr. Seuss theme that reminds me so much of Sydney. This has to be her place. I spot her toward the back with a stack of books waiting to be shelved. She almost drops the one she’s looking at when she sees me standing at the far end of the aisle. Her face goes from shock to happiness, to defiance all in a matter of seconds. She’s never looked more beautiful.
“I thought that was you,” I tell her, pretending I wasn’t in here tracking her down.
“Mr. Garrett.”
“Hello, Sydney, you’ve outdone yourself,” I say looking around.
“It’s nowhere near as great as your library, but I’m working on it.”
“This place is better. It has you.”
“Why are you here? I know it’s not for books, so why are you here?”
“I needed to see you.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know. Why can’t I forget you?”
“I haven’t heard from you in a year, so it seems you did forget.”
“Not for a single moment. Are you free for dinner? I think we should talk. I have a lot I need to say to you and it’s taken me a very long time to get to a place where I can say it.”
“I’m… uh…”
“Please.”
“I close in thirty minutes.”
“I’ll wait,” I say, and she nods with a smile before her face frowns.
“You’re not going to disappear again like you did at the ceremony, are you? Because I’m not—”
“I apologize for my behavior. I wasn’t as prepared as I thought I was at seeing you again.”
“Prepared?”
“As I said, I haven’t forgotten you for a moment.”
“Oh,” she says, smiling. “I see.”
“I give you my word, I won’t disappear again. I’ll be waiting for you outside.”
She nods, going back to her work. I linger for a moment, not wanting to walk away. She looks up and catches me staring. I smile before walking away.
I swear, the thirty minutes it takes her to close is the longest of my life. I wait as the last customer leaves and an old guy, who I assume works for her, turns the open sign to closed. It takes another fifteen minutes for her to emerge and I still can’t stop staring at her. Beautiful just doesn’t scratch the surface in describing her. She looks around, half expecting me to be gone until her eyes lock with mine. I’m relieved to see she looks happy to see me as she walks over to my car.
“Hi,” she says.
“Hi,” I whisper to her. “I hope you’re hungry. I found a place that sells palatable veggie burgers. You’re still into that, right?”
“I am and I’m hungry, but I… uh,” she starts, seeming unsure of how to act around me now.
Shit, this is the last thing I want her to feel right now.
“Let’s start over,” I tell her, holding out my hand. “I’m Tristan.”
“Very nice to meet you,” she says, shaking it. I can see the wheels turning in her head as her eyes dance around in thought. “Uh… Mr. Garrett, what does this mean, exactly? What are we doing?”
“Honestly, I don’t know, but if you’re willing to take a chance, I’d like to find out. Are you seeing anyone?”
Her forehead crinkles at the question.
“Why?”
“I need to know who my competition is, what he means to you, and how fiercely I have to fight for you.”
“You said you didn’t care about me, remember?”
“I care. I care too fucking much and you know it. You’ve always known it. Don’t act as if you haven’t seen right through my bullshit from the start.” I dip down a little and she looks up at me, searching my eyes to connect with me the way she used to. I let her see everything I’m feeling. She shakes her head, trying to turn away.
“I can’t do this,” she says.
“Sydney, wait. It’s not easy for me to admit what I’m feeling. I need to be straight with you and I know I’m messing up.”
“No, you’re not. I just… go on, I…” She swallows hard. “I’m listening,
” she whispers, making me smile at her.
Unable to resist doing it, I take hold of her chin. Her eyes flicker looking into mine and I know she sees whatever the hell it was she used to see in me.
“I want you in my life again,” I say to her. “I want that very much.” She pulls her chin away before she takes a step back and clears her throat. “What is it? Why do you keep pulling away?”
“I wasn’t expecting you to say any of this.”
“I’m probably the last guy you want telling you this shit.”
“What? No, I’m just trying to control what I’m feeling.”
“But you are still feeling it? It’s not too late to get us back where we were?”
“Look.” She pauses to take a breath. The old bookkeeper comes out and she waves goodbye to him. We watch as he gets in his car and drives away before she turns back to me. “If you’re asking if we can start up again and if, that’s a big if, I agree to it, I couldn’t do the TPE. That just doesn’t work for me. I need you to be my Dom, but not a strict one.”
“I know…” I start to tell her. “I’m sorry, did you say you need me to be your Dom?”
“You’re not the only one who had a journey of self-discovery this past year.”
“Is that right?” I grin at her.
“Yes, it is, and I liked being your submissive, but like I said, not with the TPE. I need more. I would need so much more from you.”
“I’m open to more. I need more. I know it’s a lot to spring on you like this, but I’ve been regretting letting you go for so long. Can we go to eat? We can talk about what more means and see if we can figure it out? We left things so unfinished.”
“Whose fault is that?” She says, showing me a flash of defiance that makes me have to chastise my cock as he responds to it.
“Mine,” I admit. “I shouldn’t have so callously pushed you away, but I was trying to protect you. Maybe I was just trying to protect myself.”