by Shari Cross
“I hope you’re not choosing this just because it’s what I chose for you. I know how much you love Drake.” He pauses, the expression on his face questioning. But I remain silent. There’s nothing I can say in response to his words. It hurts far too much to think about Drake, much less say his name. My father shakes his head slightly. “Just promise me that you’re making this decision for you.”
“I am. Charles will take me beyond the walls of Faygrene, which is something I’ve wanted for a long time. And Drake—” Saying his name almost steals my resolve. I take one steadying breath and somehow find the strength to continue. “Drake and I fight. All the time. You were right, Charles is the better choice for me.”
“And what of love?” His words are like a kick to the stomach. I’ll never be able to get through this with Drake, when it’s nearly killing me to have this conversation with my father.
“I have feelings for him. And I’m sure they’ll grow into love.”
“But you already love, Drake. I’m having a hard time understanding this Addalynne.”
“I already explained it!” Calm down, Addalynne. “My love for Drake is a childish love. I’ll outgrow it. I am happy about my decision, Father. Isn’t that enough?” I almost choke on the words, but I manage to get them out. Please let it be enough.
My father’s face slowly spreads into an appeased smile. “Then I’m happy too. All I ever wanted for you was a safe and happy life. And I do believe Charles can give you this and more. I’m very pleased with your decision.” His voice is filled with joy and pride, making it impossible for me to maintain eye contact. I force a smile, then let my eyes drift back to the floor.
“Thank you, Father,” I respond quietly, and make myself move forward. One step at a time.
“One more thing, Addalynne.” My footsteps cease, but I keep my gaze directed on the door of my chambers. “Drake stopped by to see you. I didn’t tell him where you had gone. I only told him that you should be home shortly. Obviously, you weren’t, and he came back again about an hour ago. He was worried when I told him you still weren’t home. I think he went out to look for you. I wouldn’t be surprised if he stops by again soon.”
My heart actually slows in my chest. Perhaps it’s giving out on me. I hope it does. Death would be an easier option.
I don’t want to do this now. I don’t want to do this ever. But I have no other choice. Charles will be announcing our engagement tomorrow, and I can’t let Drake find out that way. Right now, he’s probably looking for me in our woods and at least there I can talk to him in private, without my family or Charles’s spies prying around.
My father doesn’t ask where I’m going when I make my way back out the front door.
Cold rain splashes on my face and the weight of my dress pulls against me as it becomes thoroughly soaked. The sky is dark, covered by thick grey clouds, and the sound of thunder resounds overhead, providing the perfect background for my inner thoughts. I stop and look for any guards patrolling the perimeter of the woods, but I don’t see any. They’re probably hiding from the storm.
When I enter the embrace of the woods, the fall of the rain slightly lessens due to the coverage of the thick trees above me. The green leaves catch the water and send it cascading down in glistening drops.
While I walk, I search inside myself and try to find the distress I would expect to feel, but there’s nothing except a numbing void, accompanied by the occasional stab of pain in my chest. Maybe this is a good thing. If I can’t feel, I’ll be more convincing.
I move around a large willow, and the small clearing, where we practice with the bow, comes into view. I squint through the rain. There’s a dark figure beneath the branches of one of the trees. The hood of his black cloak is pulled up, his back toward me, but I know it’s Drake. All my forward progress stops, and I have to lean against a nearby tree for support. I was wrong about not being able to feel anything. Every part of me is battling against a hurricane of emotions as I look at him. He’s my life and I’m about to destroy him. I’m about to destroy us. I don’t know if I can do this.
He slowly turns around, and I completely stop breathing. He moves forward, his gaze on the ground, his dark hair falling across his forehead, skimming along a worried crease that is set above his eyes. After several steps he looks up.
“Addalynne.” My name passes through his lips in an exhale. I remain motionless as he jogs toward me, closing the distance between us. He wraps his arms around me and crushes me against his chest. I reach forward and almost wrap my arms around his waist, but I stop myself and instead force my hands to my sides, motionless and unresponsive.
I should pull away, but instead I let him hold me, memorizing the feel of his body against mine. This is the last time I will be in his arms. A shudder rips through me at the thought and I have to bite the inside of my cheek to focus the pain somewhere else.
“Where were you?” he asks, his lips brushing along the top of my head.
“I took Freyja out for a ride.” I lean my forehead against his chest and breathe in the scent of him. I’m not ready to tell him. I’m not ready for him to let me go.
“I would have gone with you if you had told me,” he says quietly, and runs his hands underneath my hair, along the length of my back. “You’re freezing.”
Am I?
“Where’s your cloak?”
At the Berrengers’. “I forgot it.”
“Here, take mine.” He removes his arms from around me and unties his cloak.
“It’s really not necessary,” I tell him, but he drapes his cloak around my shoulders anyway. He ties it shut, his fingers grazing along the damp skin of my chest. They linger a little longer than needed and I’m left battling against my own will—wishing he would let go and then wishing his hands would travel farther. I need him, desperately, and I want him more than anything. But I can’t have him. Not anymore. I take an agonizing step back and hate it when his arm deplorably drops back down to his side.
“I came to see you today,” he says, as he, too, takes a step back and tries to look at my face. I keep my gaze on his grey tunic, watching the relentless drops of rain darken it. I have yet to look him directly in his eyes. I’m not sure I’ll be able to get through this if I do. “I wanted to apologize.” He reaches out and tucks a wet strand of hair behind my ear before dropping his hand back down to his side. He takes several more steps away from me and begins to pace nervously. “I’m sorry for the way I’ve been acting, Addy. I know it’s been frustrating you, and believe me when I say I’ve been frustrating myself. It’s just that I . . . I want to do right by you. I love you too much to ever do anything that could dishonor you.”
“Stop.” The word forms on my lips, but it emerges with no volume to it.
“You have to believe me when I tell you how much I want you. I should have never walked away from you yesterday, and I swear to you that I will never walk away from you again.”
Yes, you will. You’ll walk away from me today, and I’ll lose you forever. I stare at the trees behind him, unable to look at him. I can’t let him continue. Each of his words is like its own knife, stabbing into me and scarring me forever. “Stop, Drake,” I speak a little stronger this time, but it’s still only a whisper and not nearly loud enough for him to hear over the sound of the rain.
“After we leave here, I’m going to go straight to your father and ask him for your hand in marriage . . .”
My eyes flash back to him. He has stopped pacing and his gaze is on mine.
He can’t be saying this, not now, not ever. The hope in his eyes is more than I can take, but I can’t seem to break from his gaze.
He takes a cautious step toward me. “. . . that is, if you’ll have me?”
My heart agonizingly stutters. Please don’t do this to me.
He takes another step, his eyes searching mine. They’re still hopeful, but now there’s a trace of fear in them. He lifts his hand and places it against my cheek. “I want nothing more than t
o spend the rest of my life with you.”
All the air has been taken from me, leaving me struggling to breathe as I stare into his face, watching the hope minimize and the fear grow. The rain is falling heavily around us, painting both of our faces and bodies in wet streaks. I’m grateful for it, knowing it’s masking the tears that have steadily begun to fall down my face. I close my eyes.
“Addy, please say something.”
“I’m marrying Charles.” Everything goes still and quiet. It’s as though I’ve floated away from my body and have entered a void of darkness. The sound of the rain is gone, replaced instead by a low hum. The feel of the rain is gone as well. In fact, the only thing I feel is his hand against my cheek. I methodically lean into it, but then it’s gone, taking with it my altered reality and grounding me back into the harshness of my fate. Once again I hear the loud drumming of the rain and feel its stinging droplets battering across my face. I open my eyes.
He’s standing several feet away from me and he’s staring down at the ground, his chest heaving. His rain-soaked hair is hanging around his face, dripping tendrils of water down his neck. After several excruciating seconds, he finally speaks.
“I thought you told him to direct his attention elsewhere.” His voice is trembling, fractured. And though I thought my heart was already broken beyond repair, it breaks further.
“I did, but yesterday my father told me that Charles asked him for my hand in marriage, and my father gave his consent.”
His head flies up, his eyes fixing on mine. They’re burning with fury. “Addalynne, if they’re forcing you into this, I’ll . . .”
“They’re not, Drake. My father told me that, though it had been previously arranged, the choice was mine, and if I wanted to refuse Charles and marry you, I could.”
“Then why? Why are you choosing him? I asked you if you had feelings for him and you said, “No.” You told me that you loved me!”
“I do love you!” I shout before I can stop myself. His face takes on a look of confusion. No. I have to fix it. “You were my first love, Drake. I’ll always love you, but it’s not enough. What I have with Charles is so much more.”
“You’re lying,” he says harshly and he takes a purposeful step toward me.
“No, I’m not. Charles can give me the life I’ve always wanted. When we were younger, I told you what my biggest fear was: to never leave Faygrene. With you, that fear would come true. With him, I’ll get to travel to all of Silveria, and I’ll no longer have to imagine what the ocean looks like. He can take me there.” My words taste like poison as I spit them out.
His face is stunned, as though my words physically slapped him. “I would give you all those things if I could, Addy. You know I would. And I can try. I’ll send a letter to King Theodoric and ask if I can bring you to Synereal and I will find a way to take you to the ocean. When you told me about your fear, I promised you we would go, and we will. I’ll find a way to give you everything.” His voice is unyielding, determined, and I can tell by the set of his shoulders and the look in his eyes that he hasn’t given up yet. I’m going to have to go further. I swallow back the nausea and force myself to push through.
“Don’t be ridiculous, Drake. You know you could never afford to take me, with or without the King’s permission. Besides, you were the one who once said that girls like me belonged with a lord, not an orphan.” I turn the words he once said back on him, using his own insecurities against him. The pure hatred in my voice is palpable, as the anger and animosity I’m feeling against myself seeps into my words. I don’t recognize myself anymore and, though I know why I’m doing this, I still hate myself more than ever.
I move my gaze to the ground, unable to look at his face any longer. Knowing I’m hurting him is tormenting enough, but watching the pain rise into his eyes is more than I can bear. I take a deep breath as I prepare myself for my next words.
“And I want someone who doesn’t regret it when he touches me.” Silence. I listen to each ragged breath he takes while I wait for him to speak.
“You let him touch you?” Disbelief. His voice is infused with pain.
“Yes.”
“You let him touch you the way I have touched you?” Anger. Good. Hate me, Drake. I need you to hate me so you can let me go.
“Yes.”
“When?”
“When you were gone with the Schild.” I feel disgusted, but I force myself to continue the lies. “My father didn’t lie to you. I did. I was angry with you for leaving, and Charles was there for me. Mary told Walter that I hadn’t moved on, that I was waiting for you, but she was wrong. I had begun to move on with Charles. Mary just didn’t know because all of our time together was spent in the privacy of my home. Then, on the night of the Ball, I accepted his jonquil, you know that. I have feelings for him, Drake. Deep ones. When you came back, it confused me because I had missed you so much. You even told me on the morning after the ball that you were worried my feelings were a momentary impulse. I didn’t believe it then, but you were right. And when I went to see Charles today, I knew he was the one I was supposed to be with.”
“You saw him today? I thought you were out riding Freyja.” Fury. He’s starting to hate me, and though it’s what I want, it kills me.
“I lied. I was with Charles for most of the day.”
It’s excruciatingly quiet for several seconds.
“Did you think about me at all while you were with him? Or am I just disposable to you?” There it is: hatred. I succeeded. I swallow back the lump in my throat, close my eyes, and let the rain wash over me. Thunder claps loudly and the lightning flashes brightly enough to see through my closed lids. I let my eyes slide open. He’s staring down at me, his eyes filled with animosity, his body now only a foot away.
“What is it, Addalynne? Now you suddenly have nothing to say?”
I can’t move. I can’t even open my mouth. I’m nailed in place by his words and the look on his face. There are no words for how this feels—to have the person you love, more than anything in the entire world, completely despise you. But at least I know he’ll live.
“I’m so sorry, Drake,” I reply numbly. They are the only words my mouth can form. We’re both broken now. There’s nothing left to say.
“Don’t, Addalynne. Just . . . don’t apologize, I can’t . . .” His voice breaks. He turns around and begins to walk away, but after several feet, he stops. “Let’s go.”
“What?”
“I’m walking you home. Just because I can’t bear to look at you doesn’t mean I’m going to leave you in the woods alone.” The familiar stab of pain pierces my chest and the nausea rises into my stomach again. I won’t be able to hold it off for long.
I silently follow him out of the woods, my gaze set on his back. The complete agony is crushing me, and all I want to do is drop to the ground and give in to the pain, but I have to keep moving. As we approach the end of the woods, Charles’s warning echoes in my ears. I stop at once. I can’t walk out of these woods with him. I can’t risk anyone seeing us together.
“This is far enough. I don’t want to make you be near me any longer than you have to. I can make it home safely from here,” I say hurriedly, hoping he doesn’t sense the panic in my tone. He nods once and steps aside, letting me move past him on my own.
I walk briskly toward my home, fighting against the need to look back.
As I walk, I pull the hood of his cloak up over my face, allowing myself to breathe in his familiar scent. I’m glad I didn’t think to give it back to him. Though his scent brings excruciating pain, it also brings a small amount of comfort, knowing that part of him is still with me. After several minutes, I pass inside the gate of our home, and I finally let myself glance behind me. What I see shatters what’s left of my heart.
He followed me home. I broke his heart, and he still made sure I got home safely. I watch Drake’s retreating form walk several feet and then suddenly drop to his knees. I take a step toward him, but force my
self to stop by grinding my fingers into the stones of the wall in front of me, hard enough to puncture the skin. His head falls into his hands and his body begins to shake with his sobs. My fingers rake along the stone wall as I drop to my knees as well. The image of him flashes behind my eyes and my own sobs tear through me. I lie in the mud, finally giving in to all the pain, and though he doesn’t know it, we share the moment of loss together.
Chapter 21
HER
The faint light of the fire burns my eyes when I finally allow them to open. It’s as though my eyelids have been sealed shut and the weight of them makes me want to close my eyes and sleep forever.
All at once, the past few hours come rushing back. Charles’s threat, Sarah Hunt’s murder, and the confrontation with Drake plays out in my mind like a nightmare, except this time there’s no escape in waking. My body curls into a ball and I wrap my arms around my knees.
“What happened, Addalynne?” My brother’s voice echoes in my ears, startling me. I don’t react. Instead, I keep my gaze on the flames dancing in front of me. His hand brushes through my hair. “Did Drake hurt you?” he asks, his voice a mixture of concern and anger.
“No.” I pull my legs tighter against me. “I hurt him.”
Gregory’s hand stops moving. “What do you mean?”
I don’t want to say the words again. I hate the way they sound and feel when they fall from my mouth, taking pieces of me with them. I wish I could write it down, tell him on paper. Then it wouldn’t feel so real.
I close my eyes, wishing I could sleep again. At least there my dreams are my own; at least there I can be with Drake.
“Addalynne?”
“I’m marrying Charles Berrenger.” I count to ten, focusing on my breathing. The vomit is fighting its way up. Somehow, I’m able to push it back down.