“What? No. Never.”
“Why not?”
“Because I love you, and I’m not going to touch another sub. No one but you, Izzy.” Seb crosses the room and grabs my shoulders, making me face him. “No one but you, even when you’re being ridiculous. Look at me. Look. At. Me.” He holds my gaze and I feel every word he says.
“I won’t let him win, Seb. I can’t. All I wanted was to be free from him and have my life with you. First he argued over the divorce, then he attacked me and now he’s taken my job. He’s taking everything from me and I want it back.”
“He hasn’t taken me.”
“But he will,” I plead. “What if I always get panicked when you go to tie my hands or ankles? What if I can’t see past the fear? I want to be the person you’ve been looking for, your ideal submissive, but I’m scared that I’m nowhere near close to that, and now this. I can’t lose you too.”
“No, you won’t. That will never happen.”
“You don’t know that.”
“I do. I love you. I’m your partner, your lover, your Dom. It’s my job to protect you, to cherish you and watch over you. It’s also my job to tell you when you’re being irrational and talking crap.” With his words, my anger ebbs and my heart bleeds for what’s happened to us over the last few weeks.
“I need this, Seb.”
“I know, sweetheart. But not like this.”
“Then how? I’m sick of feeling scared. I’m sick of feeling what Phil did to me when we’re together. I need to get over these memories. I need it.” Desperation has taken root and I now have a single-minded focus on fixing us.
“Okay, but not tonight. What did Dr. Cross say?”
“She said that I need to look at the attack as a single event and realise that Phil can’t take my happiness. She’s going to try some eye movement therapy with me as well.”
“That’s good.”
“So what’s stopping us from going to Solace? You said we would after I saw a counsellor.”
“That was before today happened. Take some time, Izzy. I’m not going anywhere.”
“You don’t understand, Seb.”
“And you don’t get to dictate to me. I told you we would do it my way.” His voice switches and it knocks the frustration out of me. “I’ll phone Natasha and we’ll watch a scene.”
“How will that help?”
“I’ll speak to her and choreograph it. It will be everything I want from a scene with you, but you’ll be safely in my arms. You can see how nothing bad will happen. I know you’re hurting, sweetheart, but you need to listen to me and trust I know what’s best. I won’t be pressed on this.” His comforting words are edged with the dominance that has the ability to melt my body.
“When?”
“Tomorrow night.”
“Really?” My hopes rise at his suggestion.
“Really. Trust me, Izzy. We’ll get through this.”
White-hot fury burns through me at what that bastard has done to Izzy. Not content with emotionally and physically abusing her, he’s taken away her livelihood and with it, her newfound confidence and happiness. She should have let me kill the fucker.
She’s finally sleeping, exhausted from the stress of the day. I’ve never seen her so wound up, so frantic. At least when she told me she wanted some space she seemed calm about her decision. She’s clawing to try to regain her footing and grasping at any solution, no matter the cost.
Taking her to Solace would be a disaster. I’m not sure that waiting until tomorrow will be much better, but I know Izzy well enough to know that she won’t back down from this. I just hope that Natasha will help. Pacing the room, I call her.
“Hey, look, if you’re upset about my little announcement…”
“That’s not why I’ve called. Natasha, I need your help.” No matter our differences, Natasha has always been there to support me.
She’s instantly supportive. “What do you need?”
“I need to take Izzy to Solace, but I’m not playing with her. She thinks by going to the club she’ll magically get back some sense of control that her ex-husband took away. She has a couple of triggers when she submits. She’s seeing the counsellor that Luke put me in touch with, but that fucker has just had her fired. She’s seeing overcoming these barriers as the only positive thing she can do.” I sit at my desk and try to relieve the steel ropes that have replaced the muscles in my neck.
“What do you have in mind?”
“Izzy is drowning in self-doubt, lack of confidence and independence. I need to show her that she doesn’t have to worry about any of that. She needs to believe in us. I need to reach the woman who arrived at my door all those months ago, ready to submit to me and put her trust in me.”
“Okay. I still don’t understand why you need my help, but for once we agree on the goal of the situation.”
“I want you to do the scene that I would do, if I was with Izzy before the attack. I want her to see how I would take her submission and use it to solidify our trust.” I imagine everything I would do to her in vivid detail—her position, the bindings, the words I’d use to reinforce my message.
“Okay, I can see where you’re going. Have you got it all worked out?”
“Yes.” I hesitate. “Thank you, Natasha.”
“Hey, anytime. I can see how much she means to you, and I think this is a good way to try and get through to her. It will make her see that her submission is a gift, that she holds the power. Now, you need to take me through this scene step by step. If it involves a spanking, I think Sarah would be perfect for this.”
Despite being put to bed like a child, I obviously needed the sleep. Twelve hours later, I feel a whole lot more confident about getting a handle on my life. Seb has brought me coffee and is working in his study. Thankfully, he isn’t hovering.
My eyes are red raw and my stomach rumbles in protest at not eating for most of yesterday. I wrap myself in my robe and head to the kitchen, determined to start my day positively and not disintegrate into the emotional wreck that I am under the surface. I remember all of the events from yesterday, culminating in fighting with Seb, insisting that he take me to Solace. In my not-so-rational mind, ripping the plaster off in one go will hurt less than trying to pull it free slowly. In the stark reality of morning, I’m not so sure. Seb has agreed, though. Surely that means that I’m not completely certifiable? No, I’m stronger than this. I’ve been a coward for far too long. Phil can’t do this to me anymore.
I brew a fresh pot of coffee and set about making breakfast. As I whisk the eggs, my mind skips to my first visit to Solace. A huge part of the thrill of that night was the anticipation and the build-up. My nerves were both fighting against me and adding to the slow burn of lust, ready to catch fire at Seb’s request.
My anticipation is tainted, now. I know what I fear—being tied down with no way out, no physical way to shield myself from hands set to deliver pain and not pleasure. The powerless position I could be in, with no safeword and no-one to save me. I squeeze my eyes tight and breathe out the bad memories. Letting them overtake me won’t help later on.
The eggs are thoroughly beaten, so I start them cooking in the pan. I’m not hiding that I’m up and about, but Seb hasn’t ventured out to see me. I finish off the eggs and then take a fresh mug of coffee in to him. He’s been nothing but supportive of me and I know that it’s been difficult for him.
“Hi.” I peek around the corner of his office door.
“Good morning. You can come in, you know?”
“I know. I didn’t want to disturb you. I know you’re home today because of me.”
“Yes, and there is nothing wrong with that.” He beckons me over, and I walk to his desk, setting the mug down next to his open laptop.
“How are you feeling this morning?”
“Hungry. I made some eggs. I don’t think I ate yesterday.” Seb stands and walks over to me. He takes my hand and leads me back out into the kitchen.
�
��Sit and eat,” he orders with a pointed look at the kitchen table, and I’m happy to oblige. I fork my eggs under Seb’s patient gaze, knowing that we’ll be talking after I’ve finished. He moves to pour himself a new cup of coffee, the one in the study forgotten.
Last night, I felt like my whole world was coming down around me, that because of my decision to leave Phil, to take something for me, I was being punished. By Phil. Today, I still feel like my world is in shards of glass, smashed on the floor, but I still have Seb standing by me. He is the beacon of hope that I need to reach for. He can light my way back. I just need to have the courage to face my monsters to get there.
“I’ve spoken to Natasha and we will go to Solace tonight.” His words are spoken with a tense edge, despite his relaxed appearance. “We do this under the same understanding, though, Izzy. You follow my rules, my command, and you submit without hesitation. Wear your anklet. Understand?”
“Yes.”
“Good. Come here.” He opens his arms and I run into them, suddenly feeling like a small child needing comfort. “It will be alright, Izzy. You have to believe that I won’t let anything bad happen to you.”
“I know.” I mumble the words against his warm chest and hope that he’s right.
A blanket of dark cloud has been drawn across the world as the sun sets in the sky. It’s still early to be at Solace, but Seb has been very particular on this. It will be by his rules or we leave. I’m in the same backless dress as I was last time, the same skyscraper heels. I won’t be swayed from my decision, and although Seb refuses to play with me here, I want to know how he would. I need my mind to let go of the fear and accept what Seb’s actions would be.
I miss the satisfaction from submitting to Seb. I miss the connection and the respite from my doubts. I want to fight for that as much as I want to fight Phil for taking it away from me. Will that be enough, though? Will I be enough?
The same smartly dressed ‘butler’ opens the oak door as Seb cradles me against his side. We walk into the entryway and my heart jumps as the door closes behind us. The nerves that are firing at a hundred miles an hour aren’t because of what might happen tonight. They are because of my fear that this won’t work and I’ll be stuck in panic mode.
Seb moves silently through the restaurant to the frosted glass doors. Natasha is sitting at a secluded booth to the side of the room with a beautiful woman next to her. Natasha looks mesmerising—her hair pulled back and braided in a French plait, containing the curls, a dark coloured corset making a feast of her breasts, which are spilling from the top. My eyes reluctantly leave her as we reach the doorway that Seb ushers me through.
“Last chance, Izzy. You don’t have to do this. You have nothing to prove.”
“I know.” I look up at him and see the concern darkening his aqua eyes.
“Once we enter, you’re my submissive. You do as I say with no hesitation. I’ll check in with you more often than usual. Remember, ‘yellow’ if you need to take a moment and ‘black’ if you want to leave. We won’t be actually doing a scene, but I will be touching you. Understand?”
“Yes.” I melt into the authority of his voice and feel the stirrings of desire in the pit of my stomach.
Seb’s lips crash into mine in a brutal but possessive kiss. It knocks me off-kilter and I react on instinct, giving in to his demanding tongue. His purposeful strokes claim me and I whimper under his intensity. I feel my nipples pebble against the fabric of the dress, my body already flushed from his kiss alone.
As quickly as he started, Seb moves away and pulls me to his side as he opens the door through to the more intimate areas of Solace. He guides us to one of the small, secluded bars and orders me a gin and tonic and himself a sparkling water. We sit in the corner of the bar in plush, wing-backed chairs. Seb’s gaze is locked onto me. Every breath, every fidget of my body has his full attention.
Coupled with the worry that I might never be able to relax into submission again is my fear that Seb will grow to resent me if I can’t. And to top off my growing pressure, I’ve forced Seb’s hand in bringing me here.
I force my negativity away and try to focus on why I insisted on this. I sip my drink and let the ice-cold liquid settle my knotted stomach. From my position, I can see out into the hallway. Natasha is standing on the periphery, the woman from the restaurant in her shadow. The woman whose eyes I wanted to scratch out now looks as formidable as she does mesmerising.
I think back to Seb’s words that it will be Natasha who will be doing the scene for us to watch. Heat flourishes across my cheeks at the thought of seeing Natasha being intimate with the woman beside her. My heart drums in my chest, imagining her carrying out the explicit acts that Seb has done to me. With me. The beautiful images from my Tumblr blog—women tied, bound and willingly submitting to the wills of their Doms.
“I’m glad that Natasha can hold your attention, sweetheart.” Seb’s deep voice forces my attention back to him. The gleam in his eyes fails to hide his mirth. I dip my eyes from his gaze and busy myself with my hands in my lap. “Don’t hide from me, Isabel. I like that you’re interested in what’s going to happen tonight.”
“Sorry. I didn’t know how I’d feel about seeing Natasha… here.”
“And how do you feel?” His question ignites my blush once again.
“Um, eager… I’ve been trying to anticipate what will happen and I’m hopeful that this will do what I want it to.”
“What about watching Natasha? You’ve met her before. Are you comfortable with that now that you’re here?”
“Yes.” I look up and try to sound as confident as possible.
“Good girl.” Seb sweeps a thumb across my bottom lip, sending sparks through my blood. My eyes dart back to where Natasha was standing, but she’s nowhere in sight.
I take another long draw of my drink before Seb stands and pulls me up beside him. My hands attempt to pull down the hem of my dress, but to no avail. It is still as ridiculously short as when I first put it on.
“Stop fidgeting. You look delicious.” I still and take a deep breath. Pulling myself up in stature, I let Seb guide me the rest of the way, down the staircase and along the corridor to the other set of frosted glass doors. As we approach, they open and we’re welcomed into the main room. How I thought I could ever come here alone is beyond me, but my resolve is still strong. My heartbeat betrays my nerves but I refuse to show my trepidation.
Seb runs the tips of his fingers down my back before placing his hand just above my bum. All of his light, gentle touches have been building up. He’s making sure that I’m used to his hands on me, that I’m happy with it. The familiar yearning that his touch elicits is growing in presence and I welcome it.
Much like the first visit, we walk slowly around the room. As it’s early, there are few people playing. The only other people we come across are seated in secluded areas, perhaps waiting for the evening to develop. We approach the area where we watched the Dom and his sub on the St. Andrew’s cross. This time, I see Natasha and her sub. Natasha has her back to us, but I can see the expression on her sub’s face. She’s high on pleasure as Natasha brushes her skin with the ends of her flogger. Seb has drawn me close against his side and he whispers to me.
“This isn’t part of what I have planned. This is the warm up, if you will, for our scene. I want you to watch carefully and look for Sarah’s expressions.”
“Who’s Sarah?”
“Natasha’s sub.” I watch as Natasha takes her time to pet and soothe Sarah, to keep almost constant contact with her, ensuring she is happy. Yet, at the same time as showing the highest level of concentration and care of her sub, she looks totally dangerous. Her stance, the power that she exudes is like a physical force field around her.
My eyes flick between the cuffs around Sarah’s wrists on the cross and her face. At no point does she try to pull away or escape. If anything, she is relaxing further into her bonds the more attention Natasha gives her.
“They
will finish in a minute and move across to the spanking bench. That’s when our scene will start.” Seb’s chocolate voice tickles the shell of my ear and sends a course of goose bumps across my skin. So far, all I’ve felt by watching is a deep sense of desire and even envy. I want to be able to put myself in the position that Sarah is in. I want the attention that I know Seb will show me.
The mental and physical frustration that have been wearing on me are beginning to take their toll. Yesterday saw the first fissure break, and I know that it won’t take much to let the cocktail of fear, frustration, desire and hope overcome me.
Natasha unties Sarah and steadies her as she moves across to the spanking bench as Seb said. As they move, Seb shifts behind me and encircles my chest with his arm so I’m braced against his body. His other arm is gripping my hip, keeping me in place.
“We’ll watch, and I’ll tell you everything I’d do if it were you and me up there. I want you to respond as if we are in their position. If anything gets too much, use ‘yellow’. You will do as I say without any hesitation. Understand?”
“Yes,” I breathe.
“Cross your hands in front of you at the wrists and keep them down.”
I do as I’m asked and keep my arms flat against me.
“Good girl.” Seb’s lips press softly against my temple. “Natasha is binding Sarah’s hands with silk behind her back. It will be tight enough that she won’t be able to free herself, but won’t cause her wrists to hurt.” Seb describes the scene that I watch in front of me. As Sarah’s hands are tied, I see Natasha check her work and then lie her sub gently across the spanking bench. Her hands are, again, in constant contact with Sarah’s skin. If she is in need of reassurance, she has it. I can see Natasha walk around and kneel by Sarah.
“She’ll be checking in with her. Knowing Natasha, she’ll also be building the anticipation for the sub. Sarah can’t see us now, so Natasha will likely be telling her about all of the eyes fixed on her exposed pussy, how they can all see how much she likes to submit. When I do this to you, Isabel, there won’t be anyone else looking at your pretty pussy. It will be for my eyes only. I’ll be the one to make you hot and needy. I don’t want to share a single part of you with someone else.”
Forever More Page 25