by Allie Kay
“Jack, I—”
He sat up so quickly that I flinched back, arms instinctively reaching for my son. “Shit, Joy. I am not going to hurt you. I don’t know how many ways I have to say it.” He pinched the bridge of his nose. “All I wanted to do was explain to Mateo that shit like that happens. That thumbs get mashed. That it happening doesn’t mean you can quit. Men finish what they start. That’s all.” He stood up and shook his head. “Look, I gotta go to work. I’ll see you around.”
By his stiff gait and how he avoided eye contact, I thought maybe we’d hurt his feelings somehow. I followed him to the door. “I’m sorry.”
He turned slowly. “Yeah. I know. And I know a lot of it’s probably involuntary. But it hurts to see you afraid of me. The fear in that little boy’s eyes… I’ve done a lot of shit that I’m not proud of. I’ve screwed up, big time. But that? I’ve never felt so powerless in my life. Joy…” He looked away for a moment. “I don’t know what sort of hell you’ve been through, although I have an idea. But it wasn’t me. It will never be me.”
And with that, Jack opened the door and walked away.
Mateo came up beside me and slipped his shaking little hand into my sweaty palm. “Is Mr. Jack gone?”
“Yeah, baby.” I looked down.
Mateo’s lip quivered before he burst into tears. “I made him leave because I was scared, didn’t I?”
“No, baby.” I picked him up and held him close. “I think we hurt his feelings, that’s all. And you can’t help being afraid any more than I can.”
“I sure was scared. You know what though, Mama? I’m glad it was Mr. Jack I hit with the hammer.”
“Okay?” I questioned.
He shook his head. “What if I’d hit Father with it?”
I hugged him tighter. “I was scared too for a minute. But we will be less afraid as we get used to not getting in trouble for everything we do.” I squeezed my eyes tight and tried to keep my own tears at bay.
“We will. I know it.” Mateo kissed me on the cheek. “And besides, we ain’t gotta be afraid of Mr. Jack no more. If he didn’t whoop me over whacking him with a hammer, then there ain’t nothing he’d whoop us for.”
Learning to trust someone was hard. Sometimes it took ages. Others? One second. Jack had earned Mateo’s complete trust in just that single moment, it seemed.
Jack’s reactions today went a long way in helping me to trust him, but in the back of my mind, I still remembered that even Ricky didn’t start out smacking me around.
11
Jack
Impatience rolled off me in waves as I stomped into Garden five minutes past my scheduled time. Without a word to my coworkers, I started flipping chairs down off the tables.
“You break one of my damn chairs, it’s coming out of your pay,” Sean grumbled. He stood staring at me, bottles of whiskey in each hand.
Damn, what I’d give to allow myself one shot of that blessed liquid. No. A shot would lead to a bottle and no fucking way was I going down that road again.
I continued pulling chairs off the tables and thumping them down on the freshly mopped floor. I ignored the glares and pointed looks Sean kept giving me.
I sat down in one of the chairs and pinched the bridge of my nose. This was going to be a long ass night.
“You okay?” Laney asked softly, laying a hand on my shoulder.
I flinched away from her touch. “Don’t touch me.”
She backed away, hands held out in surrender. “Sorry.”
“Laney…”
“No, it’s cool. I got it.” She walked to the opposite side of the bar and started wiping down the tables so they’d be nice and clean when the doors opened shortly. She cast an occasional glance my way, hurt filling her gaze.
The hurt in her eyes made me feel like a shitty asshole. Before the night was over, I’d have to apologize to her. Laney didn’t deserve my self-deprecating wrath directed at her. She was a sweet girl, the type of girl any man would be lucky to have. Sadly, there wasn’t a speck of attraction on either side.
She had a sorry ass boyfriend, but I’d seen her low-key flirting with one of our regular customers recently. Maybe I could help that along, make something happen for her, and prove my apology was sincere.
She avoided me until the doors opened and took as many of her orders to Sean as she could. Not that I blamed her. She’d done nothing but show concern for a friend and I’d totally bit her head off over it.
When customers thinned out and orders slowed to a crawl, I tried to apologize to Laney, but she brushed me off. After that, I volunteered to clean the stock room. Sean wanted to talk. I could see it in his eyes, in the way he watched me. I wasn’t ready for that and I just couldn’t deal with people today. Some hard labor cleaning shelves and moving boxes should help me work out the pent-up frustration.
I slammed a heavy box of whiskey into an empty spot on a shelf, enjoying the high-pitched clink of glass and the satisfying thump the weight made as it landed. My shoulder ached as I scrubbed at the now emptied shelving. What did I have to do to get Joy to understand that I’d never hurt her? That I’d never hurt an innocent child.
I’d thought I’d grown used to the looks other people could give. But the looks I’d received in the past were nothing compared to this. I scrubbed the shelf until it rocked under my efforts.
Mateo’s face and the panicked scramble to hide behind Joy had been etched into my brain so deep that I saw it every time I blinked. Within the bubbles of cleaner, the little boy’s fear reflected back at me. Determination had almost masked how scared Joy had been. Almost.
I hadn’t known that someone I’d only just met could break my heart. Emotions flared in all directions. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to punch a wall or bawl my freaking eyes out. I hadn’t cried in close to a decade, but somehow this made me think I might. And that made me angry. Not with Joy, but with my own stupid self. She’d been through a lot, the kid too. And I had no right to be upset with them over how they reacted to anything.
I threw my body weight onto the sponge in my hand. I kept scrubbing and drying. Rack by rack, shelf by shelf, I cleaned each shelf until the metal shone brightly, even in the dim light of the stock room. With each shelf’s worth of exertion, the tension in my shoulder eased. Little by little, I regained control of my emotions.
The thump of the bass beat louder when the door opened behind me, letting more noise from the club into the stock room.
“Fuck off,” I growled, without looking to see who was in the doorway. Sean should know to give me some damn space.
“I don’t think I’m who you think I am,” a soft, feminine voice replied.
“Shit. Sorry.” I spun around to face Talia, Sean’s very pregnant wife. “I thought you were Sean.”
“Yeah, I got that. He said to tell you he needs more of the shit vodka. That you’d know what he meant?”
“Yeah, the cheaper stuff. Goes in the basic mixed drinks where the college kids don’t care as much about quality. It’s all about getting a buzz for as cheap as possible with that crowd. It’s that right there.” I pointed to a box on a shelf by the door.
She raised an eyebrow at me.
“And you can’t carry it. What the hell am I thinking?” I grabbed the case and moved to go around her.
Talia stood her ground in the doorway, blocking my path. “Sean said you have a new girlfriend. Is she what’s got you so upset that you are cleaning an already clean stock room?”
Frustration pulled a grunt from me. Fucking Sean needed to learn to shut his damn mouth. “Not my girlfriend, and the stock room could always use a good cleaning.”
She crossed her arms over her chest, which emphasized the roundness of her belly. “Mmmhmm. And my husband doesn’t punch walls when he’s frustrated. Try again.”
“It’s nothing.”
Her red hair swung as she shook her head side to side. “I said, try again, buddy. You clean when you are frustrated. Even I can see that. And Sean’s
getting worried about you. So, you either talk to me now or he will make you talk to him after closing. Your choice.”
We locked eyes and the persistence that had worn Sean down reflected back at me. I swallowed hard. Six foot tall prisoners looking for a fight didn’t scare me, but there was a steel in Talia’s eyes that made me take a step back. What the hell? Maybe Talia could give me a bit more perspective on what was going through Joy’s head.
“She’s afraid of me, T. Honest to God afraid of me. I don’t know how to deal with that.” My shoulders sagged with the confession. I sighed and looked down at the box in my hands. “There can’t be anything there if she doesn’t trust me.”
“Hmm. What did you do to make her afraid?” There was an edge to her voice, a harshness I’d never heard directed at me.
My gaze jerked up to meet hers. “Why do you assume I did something? I didn’t do shit. I think her ex beat her. I know he broke her kid’s arm once.”
“Oh… that actually explains a lot.” She laid a hand on my forearm. Her eyes softened. “Give her a little space. Take the time to earn her trust. If you think she’s willing, there’s a group that meets at the women’s shelter once a week. Sometimes having someone to talk to helps.”
“Okay.” I nodded.
“Believe me on this… I’ve been through what an abusive relationship can do. It messes with your confidence, your self-esteem, heck, even how you look at everyday objects and events. You find yourself assuming that every wrong that happens was your doing. Just keep that in mind when you talk to her.”
I sighed. “I don’t know how to prove to her that I’m not her ex. That I’m not going to hurt her. Or Mateo. Damn, the kid hit me with a hammer and I didn’t do anything, so shit, what else do I gotta do to prove that I’m not going to beat them?”
“A hammer?” She laughed. “How did…? Never mind. It doesn’t really matter. What you need to give her is time. I don’t know her, but I know it will take time. Sean had to earn my trust too before I could really let myself relax around him. And you’ll just need to earn her trust too.”
“I’m trying to be patient. I really am.” It was driving me batshit crazy too. I wanted to go all caveman on Joy, throw her over my shoulder and carry her back to my place and make love to her all night. Yet at the same time, I knew that would be the worst thing for me to do with her.
“But?” Talia raised an eyebrow at me and waited for an answer.
“But I’ve been alone for so long. And she’s everything I wanted.” Now that I’d opened up to Talia, I couldn’t seem to stop the flow of words spewing from my mouth.
“And that’s not her issue. That’s yours. Don’t project.” She swatted my shoulder.
I growled. “I’m not as dumb as I look. You wanna let me take this vodka to your husband before he comes looking for us and finds us alone in a stock room?”
She grinned up at me, a hint of mischief sparkling in her green eyes. “Afraid he’ll kick your ass defending my honor?”
“Hell yes.” I had no doubts that Sean could, and would, whoop my ass if I ever endangered Talia in any way. But as protective as he could be of his loved ones, Sean wasn’t the jealous type. Talia knew that too, but she could surely see I was done with this line of conversation.
She laughed. “Fine. But remember what I said. Give her time.”
“I’ll try.”
“So, when do we get to meet her?”
“You? Any time. Sean, not until I’m sure he won’t say or do something that scares her off.”
12
Joy
The sound of tires crunching on gravel pulled me from a restless slumber. I eased out of bed and to the kitchen. As I peeked out the window, Jack got out of his truck. With a quick glance at the stove, I noted the time. Three-twenty. Had he been at work all this time?
He paused for a moment and looked at the window where I stood. Could he see me? My heart sped up, sending my blood on a race through my veins. This man, this solitary man, had broken through my defenses without me even realizing. When had he accomplished that? When he played so gently with Mateo? Had it been the moment when I’d realized he wasn’t going to punish my son, or me, for the unintentional injury?
I wasn’t sure.
Instead of going inside, he stuck his hands in the pockets of his well-worn jeans and leaned against the front of his truck. The moonlight bathed him in a soft glow, highlighting the curves of his muscles, the strong angle of his jaw.
I grabbed a jacket from the hook by the door and slipped out before I could second-guess myself.
He met me halfway. “What are you doing up?”
“I could ask you the same thing.” I pulled the jacket closed around me. Cold nipped at my bare legs and I shivered. I should have put on pants, but I might have missed this chance to talk to him.
“Garden closes at two. Just got home.”
“Where you stood and stared at my door for a while?”
His soft chuckle carried on the breeze like a colorful leaf in the fall. It warmed the air and lit a fire within my chilled body. “Busted. I was thinking I should apologize for earlier. I even had a little speech all worked out in my head. But I didn’t expect you to come out without any pants on, and I’m having a hard time remembering what it was I meant to say.”
“It’s me who should apologize. We realized when you left that our actions, well, reactions, had hurt your feelings.” I wrapped my arms tight around myself, trying to ward off the crisp chill of the early morning hours. Wind rattled the bare branches above our heads, a winter symphony played for only those willing to brave the dark cold hours before dawn. A lone owl called mournfully into the depths of the darkness.
“You should get inside. It’s cold.” He stepped closer. Rather than guiding me inside though, Jack unzipped his heavy canvas jacket and enveloped me in the warmth of it. Exquisite body heat radiated out from his chest like the warmth of the sun’s rays on a bright summer day.
“I know,” I replied as I pressed my cheek into the soft cotton t-shirt encasing his firm chest. The harsh notes of whiskey and beer clung to the fabric. I pulled back and looked up at him, his features almost undistinguishable in the shadowy darkness. “Have you been drinking?”
The quiver in my words betrayed the strength I’d tried to portray. I wanted so much to be a strong woman. One who held her own whether alone or with a man. But the fear Ricky had beaten into me ran deep. One day, I would be that strong woman.
“I work in a bar, remember?” His arms tightened around me, pressing me close to his warmth again. “I haven’t had a drink in over eight years. I attend AA meetings regularly.”
“Oh…” AA meetings? So, he’d had a drinking problem in the past. My muscles tensed at the thought he might have been like Ricky. My high school sweetheart, Ricky had been the sweetest guy. Polite, affectionate. The hint of jealousy he’d shown on occasion hadn’t sparked a concern. In fact, it had made me feel more loved to know he desired me enough to be possessive. But then he’d fallen in with a partying crowd in college. One drink would lead to five and I’d have bruises. Ricky defined the term ‘Mean Drunk’.
Jack’s warm breath against my ear sent shivers down my spine. “Your ex like to beat on you when he was drinking?”
I tensed. “And then some. But when he started in on Mateo, I left as soon as I could.”
“I never was a mean drunk. I was the one sitting in the corner laughing at his own not even funny jokes.” He pressed a soft kiss against my forehead. “But I get why you’re nervous.”
The word nervous hardly described how I felt. “Terrified would probably be a more accurate descriptor.”
“See that’s the thing. I’m scared too. I’m just as terrified as you. In just a short time, you and Mateo, you matter to me. And I could very easily fall head over heels in love with you. But what is life without a little risk? If you aren’t willing to try, then you’ll end up alone every time. And life is not meant to be lived in isolation. I’m
scared you’ll let your fear keep you from letting me in, from giving me a chance.”
“Jack…”
“Damn it, woman, I’m baring my soul here. At least let me finish.” He paused to see if I’d interrupt him again before continuing. “You don’t have to decide tonight. And I get that you might not want to rush into anything serious. I just want to know that you’ll stay open to the possibility of us. Yes, love can be hard. It can break you. But it can also heal you. And that’s the God’s honest truth.”
Before I could listen to the nagging little voice that sounded suspiciously like Ricky saying this was a stupid idea, I slipped my arms up around his neck. Rising up on my half-frozen tiptoes, I placed my lips against his.
Lifting me up against him, Jack took control of the embrace. His lips were firm, demanding, as they moved over mine. Teasing the crease of my lips with his tongue, he coaxed me into acceptance when he deepened the kiss.
The rustle of branches stopped. The solitary owl ceased his lonely call. When Jack’s lips touched mine, time stood still. When he eased back, gradually, the world seemed to come to life around them. The wind picked up, howling between the trees. Wings fluttered overhead.
A branch snapped off to the right. Jack’s head jerked toward the sound. His eyes scanned the dark shadowy bushes surrounding the house, their shapes blurred in the moonlit yard.
The tiny hairs on the back of my neck stood up. A cold chill wriggled its way down my spine. If another noise came from the bushes, I couldn’t have heard it over the pounding of my heart. Had Ricky found us already? My eyes darted from the direction of the noise to the door.
After a moment, Jack cupped my cheek and I returned my gaze to his. “That was unexpected, but very much wanted.”
“I didn’t plan to do it.”
“I know.”
“What do you think that noise was?” I whispered.