Vi sighed. 'I'm sure you're right; addiction is a terrible thing.'
Dee nodded. 'And even if Sam didn't have a father at least he had Peggy. It didn't seem to be important that he didn't know exactly who she was. He loved her and she loved him and that's all that mattered.'
'But now he may find out the truth.'
'Exactly. If I agree to Neil meeting him he will find out that I've lied to him and then what's he going to think? And not only have I lied to him but Peggy has, too. How is that going to make him feel?' She closed her eyes briefly as she felt the tears welling.
'Has he changed?' Vi asked softly, reaching over to top up Dee's glass again.
'Oh, don't! I'll never be able to get up in the morning.'
'I'll make you some tea before you leave,' Vi promised. 'So, Neil, has he changed?'
Dee rested her cheek against the cushion and stared into the fire. 'That's the six-million-dollar question, isn't it? He says he has. He's got a successful business in Spain – or so he tells me – he drives a big car and he's being very reasonable, understanding and patient.'
'But you don't trust him.'
'How can I?' Dee wailed. 'What if I do introduce him to Sam and in six months or a year he disappears and we never see him again? Or what if Neil really is successful and rich and decides to seek custody? Or worse, maybe he'll just snatch Sam and I'll never see him again!'
By now tears were streaming down Dee's cheeks and Vi put down her drink so she could reach across and take her hands. 'Oh, darling, please don't upset yourself. That is not going to happen.'
Dee shook her head. 'You don't know that. Oh, God, Vi, I've gone through every scenario possible in my head and I don't see any way that this can work out without either Sam or me getting hurt.' She took a tissue from her bag, mopped up her tears and blew her nose.
'Tell me about Neil,' Vi said gently when Dee had calmed herself. 'Tell me about the boy you fell in love with.'
Dee smiled slightly. 'I couldn't believe he was even interested in me. I was a bit of a mouse, whereas he was funny and popular and older.'
'Where did you meet?'
'Lisa dragged me along to this charity dinner dance in town with the soul aim of finding a man. She fancied Neil's friend and so the four of us ended up spending the evening together. As it turned out, their relationship came to nothing but Neil and I clicked straight away. Aunty Pauline didn't approve of my having anything to do with boys before I finished my exams so we used to meet up at his place or in town or sometimes he'd come over to Banford and we'd hang out in Lisa's house.'
'And you were happy.'
Dee nodded. 'Yes. He made me feel very special and right from the start I felt I could tell him almost anything. He didn't like Pauline at all, thought she was a right old dragon and he gave out about Dad neglecting me. Neil said he was spending all of his time grieving for his dead wife instead of making the most of his time with his daughter who was still very much alive. I used to tell him to shut up and leave him alone but at the same time I liked the fact that he felt that way.'
'It sounds like he cared about you.'
Dee nodded. 'I really think he did. He worked for his uncle in a clothes shop and hated every minute of it and he just wanted to take time out and go and see the world. He talked of nothing else and I was terrified of losing him.' Dee paused to blow her nose again. 'And then Daddy died. It was shortly after I left school. He went to work as usual and I got a call to say he'd been taken ill and was in hospital. By the time Pauline and I got there he was already dead.'
'Heart attack?'
Dee nodded.
'You poor thing, that must have been such a shock. You were what, seventeen?'
'Eighteen. I was shocked, I suppose, but not desperately upset, not the way I was when my mother died. That sounds terrible, doesn't it?'
Vi shook her head. 'Not at all. You probably weren't as close to him as you were to your mother.'
'I wasn't, and we seemed to grow even further apart after she died.' She paused to take a drink and when she spoke again her voice was steadier. 'The day we buried him, Neil asked me to go away with him. I didn't hesitate.'
'Your aunt must have been furious.'
'Apoplectic. We had a huge argument and she called me a lot of really horrible names.'
'But you made up?'
Dee shook her head. 'No. We left for the States the following December and she still hadn't talked to me. Then when I returned home, pregnant, she was even more disgusted. It was only when Sam was born that we finally buried the hatchet.'
'So you went to America,' Vi said, taking her back to her story.
'Yes. Dad had left me some money, it was supposed to be to put me through university but because I had turned eighteen, the solicitor said it was up to me what I did with the money. I had always intended to return to my studies the following year. I thought we'd be away for six months tops and then I'd come home and start my new life. It was actually three years and four months, in the end, before I stepped on Irish soil again.'
Vi's eyes widened. 'My goodness! And were you travelling all of that time?'
'Pretty much. We slowed down a bit towards the end, spent about six weeks in Morocco and nearly two months in Greece. That's where we finally broke up. We had actually been getting on quite well just before it happened. I had been ill and Neil was always at his best when I was low; very kind and attentive. Anyway, this night I sent him off to get something to eat and when I woke hours later, he still wasn't back. I went looking for him and finally tracked him down to this town square where he was betting on a cock fight.' She shuddered, remembering. 'I'll spare you the details but I'd never seen anything so disgusting, nor have I since. Anyway, it was clear that it didn't disgust him; he was enjoying every second. I knew then that I'd have to leave him.'
'But I thought he left you,' Vi said.
'He came back to our room and found me packing and persuaded me to wait until morning. He was remorseful, kind, tender, and he held me in his arms as I went to sleep. When I woke he was gone.'
'With the money.'
'And a couple of other things too.'
'You poor thing, you must have been devastated.'
'Shocked more than anything,' Dee said as she remembered the trance-like state she was still in when she'd landed in Dublin airport. 'I had realized he had a problem although I tried to ignore it for a long time but I still thought that he was basically a good person. The fact that he had sunk so low that he would actually rob from me I found astounding.'
'When did you first realize his gambling might be a problem?' Vi asked.
Dee winced. 'Within the first year,' she admitted. 'We went to Las Vegas and we had great fun in the casinos but I soon realized that he was too turned on by the whole experience.'
'And did you say anything then?'
'Oh, yes, absolutely; we talked, then we quarrelled, and then I insisted we left. I was hoping it was just the atmosphere of the place and that he would be fine once we moved on but it wasn't that simple. He just went underground and lied to me.'
'He may have started gambling when he was still in Ireland,' Vi mused. 'It would have been easier to hide from you when you weren't living together.'
Dee shook her head. 'I don't think so. He seemed to change personality after Vegas and he was often very high or very low. I should have left as soon as I noticed but,' she smiled sadly, 'I so wanted it to work.'
'That's completely understandable; you loved him.'
Dee nodded, tears in her eyes. 'Yes, I did. The thought of losing Neil was a devastating one; worse in a way than losing Daddy. And the thought of coming home to live in that house alone . . .' Dee shivered.
'Those first few weeks in Dublin must have been hard,' Vi said softly.
'Awful,' Dee admitted. 'Lisa was wonderful but I just couldn't seem to get my act together. She got me information on different courses, on part-time jobs and on what benefits I might be entitled to, but I wasn't interested. And
then I discovered I was pregnant. Once I'd decided to keep it – him,' she smiled, 'I decided to forget about university.'
'There are plenty of single mothers who go on to third-level education,' Vi pointed out.
'Yes, I know, and I thought I would return to it some day, but it just didn't work out like that. Once Lisa opened Happy Days and I got into cooking I realized I didn't have to. I still might do an advanced cookery course after Sam starts school.'
Vi smiled. 'You could probably teach it!'
Dee shook her head. 'No, believe me, I've still got a lot to learn.'
'But you'd found your niche.'
Dee nodded. 'Yes, I had.'
'Did you ever hear from Neil once you got home?'
'No, nothing, and even though I was furious and hurt over what he had done, I still worried about him. I thought about contacting Peggy but I didn't want her to know about the baby. Then we bumped into each other at the airport one day.' Dee laughed. ' "Bumped" being the word. I was eight months pregnant! She begged me to keep in touch, to let her know when the baby was born, and I agreed. She had always been kind to me and it wasn't her fault that Neil had behaved the way he did.'
'Did he keep in touch with her?'
'He phoned occasionally over the years but once she started asking him questions about where he was and what he was doing, he would hang up.'
'And then, out of the blue, he walks through the door, what, five years later?'
Dee frowned. 'Yes, he came back a couple of months ago, apparently. I don't think he had any intention of getting in touch with me until he saw the picture of Sam and I in the newspaper.'
'And his mother hadn't told you he was home?'
She shook her head. 'I think she was afraid too.'
Vi pondered all of this for a second. 'So why did he come home?'
Dee shrugged. 'That's what I don't understand and it's one of the things that makes me suspicious; why now? I can't help feeling there's a hidden agenda.'
'And what does Peggy think?'
'She's happy to have him back, obviously, but I think she has a lot of questions herself—'
Vi nodded. 'And she's probably afraid to ask them in case she loses him again.'
'Probably,' Dee agreed. 'They had a row when he found out she knew about Sam; he couldn't believe she'd kept it from him, especially since he's been home.'
'It must be a difficult situation for her; she's torn between her son and her grandson.'
'Yes, and she adores Sam. I am so glad now that I let her be a part of his life, she's very important to him.'
'Which brings us neatly back to your predicament. Do you think that maybe Neil could become important to Sam too?'
'I've no doubt that he would, Vi, that's what worries me. Sam is a loving and giving little boy but what if Neil just takes and leaves?' Dee nibbled her thumb anxiously.
Vi shrugged. 'I'm no expert, Dee, but don't they say you should always give children as much information as they can handle?'
'What are you saying?'
'Just that you don't have to tell Sam everything in one go, but feed it to him a little bit at a time. Neil turning up like this is a shock, and I can understand your anxieties, but Sam would have started asking questions sooner or later and you would have had to tell him something.'
'I already have,' Dee assured her. 'I told him that his daddy and I broke up before he was born and that it had nothing to do with him. I've never bad-mouthed Neil and I always told Sam that I was sure his daddy would never have left if he'd known I was going to have a baby. I told him I didn't know where Neil was which was true, of course, but by not explaining who Peggy was I lied to him and deprived him from talking to her about his father. She could have told him what Neil was like as a child and shown him photographs.' Tears started to fall again and Dee didn't even bother trying to check them. 'I deprived him of that.'
'Yes, you did,' Vi acknowledged, 'but you were just trying to protect him. Anyway, it's not too late. Neil is alive; he's here, as is Peggy. You can change all of that, it's within your power to fix.'
'But how can I trust Neil? What if I make this big announcement to Sam that his dad's back and they get to know each other, they start to build a relationship and then Neil bugger's off again? Or worse, he starts to gamble again and Sam gets to witness his downfall first-hand?'
Vi sighed. 'You can't protect him from everything, Dee. Other children grow up with parents' failings, some get through it okay and some don't. At least he'll always have you. By all means, keep a tight leash on Neil until you feel you can trust him again but maybe it's time for Sam to know the truth. And I think at some stage he should know exactly what his father did and Neil should be the one to tell him that.'
Dee looked vaguely shocked. 'I think that's a bit much, Vi, he's only four!'
Vi smiled. 'Yes, you're probably right, but like I said, he will ask questions and I think that you should feed him the truth in bite-size pieces.'
Dee absorbed these words in silence.
'You must remember, Dee, that this is very big in your head. Neil coming back into your life has been a huge shock, but as far as Sam is concerned, nothing has changed. He's still little more than a baby and you have plenty of time to get this right. Having said that, please don't let me or anyone else pressure you into doing something you're not ready to do.'
'Neil has suggested that I introduce him to Sam as Peggy's friend and then, if that works out, we can tell him the truth at a later stage.'
'It's an option,' Vi agreed, 'but it is also adding to the lies.'
'Yes, that's what I thought. Oh, Vi, I just don't know.' Dee dropped her face into her hands. 'It's all too much responsibility and I'm not sure I can handle it.'
'You can,' Vi said fiercely, 'you know you'd walk over hot coals for that child.'
Dee let her hands fall into her lap and she nodded slowly, suddenly drained. 'I would, Vi, I really would.'
'Then that's all you have to remember.'
Chapter 28
In Vi's bathroom, Dee splashed water on to her face and stared at herself in the mirror. She looked like she'd run a marathon or climbed a mountain; her eyes were red, her skin blotchy and with her new hairstyle she looked more like a waif and stray than ever. Burying her face in one of Vi's soft towels, Dee took a moment before going back outside.
'I'm out here,' Vi called and Dee made her way out to the small, cluttered, crazy kitchen that she always thought oozed Vi's personality.
'I thought you might be ready for some tea,' Vi was saying as she cut two pieces from a large chocolate cake, 'and a sugar hit. It's shop-bought, I'm afraid – my talents don't run to baking – but it's delicious, none the less.'
Dee sat down at the table and smiled. 'You are amazing, you know that? I would never think of feeding someone chocolate cake when they're going through a crisis but you know what? It's just exactly right.' Greedily, she bit into the cake and closed her eyes as she savoured it. 'Gorgeous. You know, you're totally wasted. You should be the mother of a huge brood of children.' She eyed Vi curiously as the woman nibbled delicately on her own piece of cake. 'Wouldn't you have liked that?'
Vi didn't meet her eyes. 'You can't have everything you want, life isn't that simple.'
'Tell me about it,' Dee laughed.
'And you didn't have a child alone, not in my day. If you got pregnant you went away until you had the child and then gave it up for adoption.'
Dee shook her head. 'I was shocked when I found out I was expecting Sam and I admit I thought about my options, but I can't imagine what it must have been like not to have any options.'
'It was hard,' Vi agreed.
Dee paused, her cake halfway to her lips. 'Vi?'
Their eyes met and Vi smiled slightly. 'What can I say?'
'You had a child?'
Vi nodded. 'He'd be thirty-six now, my baby.'
'My God, what happened?'
Vi shrugged. 'I got into trouble. The father was, let's say, already
involved and there was only one thing for me to do. I was working as a florist at the time, here in Banford, and it would have been a terrible scandal if it had got out.'
'The father was a local too?'
'Yes, and it was a much smaller community back then; you couldn't do anything without everyone talking about it. My parents were devout Catholics and very involved in the parish and I knew they'd be devastated to find out that their only daughter had got herself into trouble.'
Dee stared. 'You never told them?'
Vi shook her head. 'I never told anyone. I said that I was fed up with life in a small town. I was twenty-two and all of my girlfriends were either married or engaged and I was starting to get these pitying looks.' She swallowed hard, her eyes suspiciously bright. 'I told Mam and Dad that I'd had enough of being the town spinster and I was off to the bright lights of London to find myself a man and/ or a career.'
'They must have been upset.'
She shrugged. 'Maybe, I don't know. I never really fitted in and they were never quite sure what to do with me. It was probably a relief when I left.'
'And did you go to London?'
Vi shook her head. 'Lord, no, for all my weird ways, city life never held any attractions for me. First I went to Bournemouth and I got a job working in another florists'. I told them I was a widow and they were very sympathetic. I had a good pregnancy and I was able to work right up until I went into labour. I had already made arrangements for the child to be adopted and they came to the hospital for him three hours after he was born.'
'Three hours,' Dee gasped, 'Oh, Vi, you poor thing. I can't imagine having to hand over Sam just like that.'
Vi stared into the fire, obviously reliving the moment. 'That was the hardest part,' she said, her voice barely audible. 'I had never considered keeping the child, I knew it would be better off in a proper family, but I never realized that I would have some time with it, with him.' She sighed. 'He was so beautiful he took my breath away. I couldn't stop looking at him and I inspected him from head to toe trying to memorize every precious inch. The nurses wanted to take him away but I wouldn't let them. I had only this small amount of time with him and I wasn't going to give up any of it.'
It's All About Him Page 24