by Phil Cooke
This chapter is about spending less time on what we perceive to be urgent and more time on what really matters.
Let that thought sink in for a moment.
Most of the “urgent” things in our lives are really what other people consider important. Someone wants us to return his phone call, make an appointment, or respond to an e-mail. Look around you at this moment. Are most of the things that are crushing your life really that urgent to you, or are they things that other people consider urgent? I finally noticed that when I don’t deal with all my e-mails, the world doesn’t come to an end. In fact, I recently had a computer malfunction and lost my e-mails from the two previous days. Gone, deleted, erased, rubbed out, cancelled, obliterated, disappeared.
I was horrified. I was in the middle of a couple of big projects and had no idea who those e-mails were from or what they were about. Who did I need to get back to? What should I do? I had no idea.
I started shaking. I needed a “fix” for my e-mail habit.
But guess what? A day went by, and then another, and then another. Nothing happened. Not dealing with those e-mails had no impact at all. My world didn’t come crashing down, and my career didn’t end.
I realized those e-mails were “urgent” but not important.
Since that time, I’ve literally reevaluated my life based on that principle. I’ve made a concerted effort to eliminate as many distractions as possible in order to focus more effectively on what’s really important in my life.
How do we eliminate the real distractions?
First of all, understand which distractions do the most damage in your life. Distractions come in all shapes and sizes, from leisure activities like watching football on television, to personal issues from your past, to immediate challenges that disturb your life and pull vital resources and time away from what’s really important.
ELIMINATE DISTRACTIONS FROM YOUR PAST THROUGH FORGIVENESS
Over the years, I’ve heard thousands of protests.
“But Phil—you just don’t know what my father did to me.”
“When my partner sold my business, I lost everything.”
“I can never forgive that offense—it’s just too great.”
“As long as she never acknowledges fault, I can never forgive.”
“It’s just too difficult because the hurt goes too deep.”
There is nothing that cannot be forgiven. Forgiveness is the only real beginning to complete healing of yourself or a relationship. Keep in mind these important principles:
Forgiveness does not make what happened right.
By forgiving someone, you’re not saying that what was done to you never happened or wasn’t wrong. Evil is evil. When people are betrayed, wronged, or hurt in any way, the act of forgiveness doesn’t make what happened right or as though it never happened. What happened is still wrong. You’ve just made the decision to not let it gain control of your life. You are taking back your future and attempting to restore the relationship.
If the other person refuses to acknowledge what happened, or refuses to acknowledge that it was wrong, it still can and should be forgiven. Forgiveness doesn’t depend on the other person; it depends on you.
Forgiveness matters, even if the offending party refuses to admit guilt.
I know a woman who experienced horrible sexual abuse by her father for years. Because of an illness, her mother had grown weak, and, as a result, her father began preying on her for sexual gratification. Not only was it a devastating experience that continued until her teenage years, but since that time, her father has refused to admit guilt. In fact, part of her difficulty finding healing from the abuse is her father’s refusal to acknowledge that it happened at all. After finally running away from home, the woman went through a series of failed marriages, and it wasn’t until she experienced a spiritual transformation that she began the long road to healing from the years of abuse and neglect.
In the process of her healing, she realized that she needed to forgive her father. In spite of his refusal to take responsibility for those years of horrible cruelty, she made the difficult decision to forgive him. He continues to act as if nothing happened, but in spite of his refusal to face the truth, she has found freedom in her ability to forgive.
Don’t wait for the other person to acknowledge guilt or admit wrongdoing. In fact, when you forgive some people, they’ll despise you even more. But by forgiving them, you’re letting the pain and hurt go and moving forward with your life. Some people have waited their entire lives for another person to admit he or she was wrong, but by doing so, they’ve placed their future in someone else’s hands.
» IF YOU DON’T TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR OWN LIFE, YOU’LL ALWAYS BE AT THE MERCY OF SOMEONE ELSE WHO WILL.
Forgiveness can be a powerful tool in healing a relationship.
Many people can never fully face the truth without someone opening the door of forgiveness. Perhaps they don’t feel worthy, or perhaps they understand that what they did was wrong but don’t have the courage to step forward to ask to be forgiven. Your acting first opens that door and allows them to reach out and find mercy and understanding.
Forgiveness is easier when you realize that we all need to be forgiven.
The fact is, all of us have made mistakes, hurt people, and done stupid things in our lives, and few of us can claim the moral high ground in relationships. When you have difficulty forgiving someone, just look back at things you’ve done that need forgiveness, and suddenly the offense against you starts to look a little more forgivable.
More than with any other religious tradition, the core of Christianity is about forgiveness. Because God has forgiven us, we are called to forgive other people. Whatever faith tradition you might be from—or no tradition at all—we can learn something from this powerful Christian principle. Because God desired a relationship with us so strongly, he was willing to allow Jesus to die on a cross as the sacrifice that would bridge the gap and heal the rift. A holy God died in order that we might be forgiven. It’s the most powerful story in history, and the lesson has transformed millions of lives.
We have been forgiven, and therefore, we have the ability to forgive.
Learn to forgive yourself.
Are you carrying the baggage of blunders from your past? Have you hurt someone, acted without thinking, or damaged a relationship? Perhaps you can’t even contact that person anymore and carry the burden of that terrible mistake. I talked with a man who had cheated a friend in business early in his career, and his friend had died in the intervening years. The man desperately wanted to be forgiven for his mistake, but with his old friend having died, he had nowhere to turn. He had to learn to forgive himself and move on with his life.
Don’t let the pain of your past eat at you like a cancer. No matter what you’ve done or whom you’ve hurt, true healing and wholeness can never begin without the first step toward forgiveness.
The power of forgiveness can transform your life and eliminate the most painful, difficult, and challenging distractions you will ever face.
ELIMINATE DISTRACTIONS FROM YOUR PRESENT THROUGH COMMITMENT
Unless commitment is made, there are only promises and hopes . . . but no plans.
—PETER DRUCKER, BUSINESS STRATEGIST AND WRITER
Another key to eliminating distractions is commitment. Commitment keeps you focused on a worthy goal, and that process alone is a tremendous help in eliminating distractions. I’ve discovered that the greatest opening for a distraction is not being committed to something better.
When things at the office slow down, people invariably get into trouble. One man who destroyed his marriage by having an affair with his secretary told me, “I had worked with that secretary for years, and the thought of an affair never crossed my mind—until business slowed down. When I lost my focus on the company, I began to notice her in a different way. Suddenly I became involved in a romantic distraction that eventually shattered my marriage.”
Eyes wander when
someone loses sight of a clearly defined goal.
Human resources executives tell me that the times when employees are mostly likely to be distracted by the Internet are during times when intensity is low—often between major projects, when things have slowed down at the office. During those times, companies lose billions in productivity from distracted and uncommitted employees.
I’ve seen organizations fall apart as employees lost their commitment to a vision and started getting distracted. It’s amazing that in cases of office affairs, embezzling, cheating, or other problems, how often they start from a simple lack of commitment. Losing sight of a common vision opens the deadly door to distraction.
What are you committed to? A successful career? A strong family? A growing company? A better job? Raising great children? Stronger leadership? A specific project or task? Whatever it is, your commitment is a key to guarding against distraction.
How can you stay committed? First, make a public announcement. Put yourself on the spot. Write a letter to someone you respect, announce the project to your employees, or share your vision with a friend or coworker. The threat of embarrassment is a powerful tool to help keep you committed. Burn the trail behind you so you can’t go back.
Spanish explorer Cortez, after arriving in the New World, took his crew off their great sailing ships and then set the ships on fire as the crew watched in horror. That single act sealed their commitment to explore the new territory and ensured they could never give in or go back. Having no alternative is a marvelous way of helping eliminate distractions.
I love painting myself into a corner. I’ve learned that there is something exhilarating about the adrenaline that flows as a deadline nears. Although I don’t necessarily recommend this to others, I often wait until the last minute when there is no time and no alternative to finishing a project.
Nothing increases commitment like the threat of failure or the risk of embarrassment.
Attention is one of the most valuable modern resources. If we waste it on frivolous communication, we will have nothing left when we really need it.
—JOHN FREMAN, THE TYRANY OF E-MAIL
Distractions—they drain your energy, blur your focus, and disrupt your momentum. Projects fail, companies collapse, and marriages are damaged because of the way distractions deplete resources and destroy relationships. When I reach the end of my time on the earth, I hope to look back on a life of significance and achievement, instead of an impotent life bled dry from the distraction of things that added nothing to the value of my existence.
Distractions drain and take away value. Focus adds value. Eliminate destructive distractions and prepare for a life of significance.
» JOLT #22
FAILURE IS THE KEY TO SUCCESS
Mistakes Are Just Part of the Process
You always pass failure on the way to success.
—MICKEY ROONEY, ACTOR
Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.
—THOMAS A. EDISON, INVENTOR
We live in a culture of success. America celebrates winners and despises losers. We even call winners “stars.” Star athletes, movie stars, TV stars, all-stars. A star reporter recently called the winners of a state spelling bee the “stars of the written word.”
But anyone who has experienced success of any kind has also experienced failure. Real failure is the proving ground and training camp for success, and yet most people don’t know how to learn from their mistakes. As motivational teacher Tony Robbins said, “Success truly is the result of good judgment. Good judgment is the result of experience, and experience is often the result of bad judgment!”
The greater the failure, the greater the opportunity to learn. But first we must realize the teaching potential of our mistakes and commit to an attitude of learning, growing, and changing from our failure.
I am not discouraged, because every wrong attempt discarded is another step forward.
—THOMAS A. EDISON
Whenever I fall short, I’m reminded of Thomas Edison, the inventor of the lightbulb, as well as many other inventions that have changed modern society. At only twenty years old, he set up his laboratory in Menlo Park, New Jersey, and became a full-time inventor. At any given time, he and his team were working on as many as forty different projects and applied for more than four hundred patents a year. His feverish work schedule and productivity caused the local citizens to dub him the “wizard of Menlo Park.”
But Edison wasn’t always successful. He struggled with many of his inventions, but in spite of embarrassing failure after failure, he refused to give up. Edison was driven to succeed in spite of obstacles of all kinds. Often ridiculed for his perseverance, he attempted more than ten thousand experiments before he finally invented the incandescent lightbulb in 1879.
I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.
—THOMAS A. EDISON, INVENTOR
We must stop labeling failure as negative. There are no real failures— only options. Some options work, and others don’t.
In the journey of change, I’ve discovered that most people and organizations fail for one of four reasons: situations, emotions, motivation, or knowledge.
SITUATIONS
To avoid situations in which you might make mistakes may be the biggest mistake of all.
—PETER MCWILLIAMS, WRITER
Many people are trapped by dead-end situations they feel are impossible to change. An executive who’s been forced into a meaningless job due to political maneuvering from a rival or laid off because of downsizing is a good example. Others are: a single mom carrying the burden of raising kids and making a living all by herself, a man or woman left devastated by an unfaithful spouse, and a retiree on a fixed income.
» THERE ARE THOUSANDS OF WAYS LEADERS, MANAGERS, AND OTHERS CAN FEEL THAT THEIR PARTICULAR SITUATION HAS TURNED INTO A PRISON.
In the 1980s, I worked with a client who was sponsoring a weekly national television program. I was asked to direct the program, and an excellent executive was named the producer. We spent six months developing the show—designing the set, hiring the crew, writing scripts, and promoting the program. The producer worked hard, and we were on track for a really exciting TV series. But about three weeks before the first broadcast, the client decided he wanted a relative to produce the program, so my friend was pulled from his producer’s position and sent to manage the organization’s regional office in another state.
He was trapped. It had nothing to do with his performance, and it wasn’t even personal. Nepotism happens, and my friend was caught in its wake. But whatever the reason, he had to make a decision to leave the company or be trapped in a situation out of his control.
We will either find a way, or make one.
—HANNIBAL, CARTHAGINIAN GENERAL,
LEADER OF THE FAMOUS MARCH ACROSS THE ALPS
You may feel trapped by your financial situation. Perhaps you’d like to go back to college but just can’t afford it. You might like to change jobs or positions but feel trapped by your salary. I know many executives who feel ensnared by their retirement program. They’ve spent so many years at the company that—even though fantastic opportunities are available elsewhere—they just don’t want to take the chance of risking the loss of benefits.
You may feel trapped by a physical handicap. If you’re in a wheelchair, hearing impaired, or are limited by any other physical situation, obviously you have a different set of challenges than others and have to deal with that state of affairs.
The secret to overcoming what I call “situational failure” is to divide your circumstances into two groups: situations you can change and situations you can’t change. I believe nearly everything can be changed or at least approached in a different way, but sometimes they can’t be changed right now. Certain things take time, and we have to consider that as we attempt any serious change.
Make up your lists. Start with the situations yo
u can’t change right now or ever: physical handicaps, financial situations, geographic locations, family issues, age, and so forth.
Then make a list of situations you can change: your job, schedule, location, education, skills, friends or associates, self-confidence, and so on.
What can and cannot change is different for every person, but knowing the difference between the items on each list is critical.
Some situations are real. They can’t be changed, and no matter how much we dream, hope, and wish, we can’t change those circumstances. So stop wasting your time. Focus on the situations you can change, and start from there.
Far too many people fail—and continue to fail—because they’re trying to change a situation that simply can’t be altered. Stop banging your head against a wall and start practicing realistic thinking. See immovable obstacles for what they are and concentrate your energy, time, and effort on another area. Ignore the things you can’t change and start focusing on the situations you can, and the opportunities will begin to reveal themselves.
You can’t wait for inspiration, you have to go after it with a club.
—JACK LONDON, NOVELIST
EMOTIONS
The second area where most people fail is emotions. Human beings are highly emotional creatures. We have extremely developed, finely tuned, complex emotions, and our ability to be excited, laugh, cry, feel depressed, and more, sometimes creates a turmoil of conflicted feelings inside us.
While emotions are a gauge for how we feel, we cannot effectively base decisions on emotions. Ask an Olympic athlete, a concert musician, a research scientist, a professional race car driver—anyone who has to perform at the top of his game—and you’ll find that much of his time is spent overriding his emotions.