“Fine,” Zelda said with only a slight wince.
“No more threatenin’ the removal of the jewels,” he added.
“No problem,” Zelda conceded.
“No more diets.”
“Done,” Zelda said, biting back a grin. “No more diets.”
“And weese was thinking to add a ball lickin’ festival to the Assjacket calendar. Ya know, bring in them cats from all over the world and see if anyone can out lick the Bastard. We’d hold contests for the fastest licker, most creative licker, most athletic licker… youse get my drift,” Fat Bastard explained in unfortunate and great detail.
“Umm… okay,” Zelda said as Mac gagged behind her. “Not sure you’d have too many attendees at that one.”
“Youse would be surprised,” Fat Bastard said. “Nut scrubbing is a huge sport.”
“Anything else?” I asked, praying he was done with the terms. There was no topping the ball licking festival—or I certainly hoped not.
“That’s it, dollface,” Fat Bastard said with a satisfied nod. “So are weese good on the terms?”
“We’re good,” Zelda said with a pained laugh. “You dumbasses ready?”
“Does that there Pope tap dance?” Boba demanded, doing a few pathetic pushups to warm up for the healing. His fat belly never left the ground as his little elbows worked like a dying engine.
Everyone looked confused—everyone except me.
“He does!” I said. “And I think he square dances too.”
“Alrighty then,” Zelda said, placing her hands on my father’s barely moving chest. “Let’s get this shitshow on the road.”
“Wait,” I said, needing to say a few things before Zelda and the cats went to work.
Everyone looked at me expectantly and waited. Taking a deep breath and feeling stronger and better than I had in all my years, I smiled at my beautiful friends.
“Zelda, I love you with all my heart. I never thought I would have a best friend and you are more than I ever could have dreamed of.”
“I love you too, Sassy Pants,” Zelda said with a silly grin.
“And Fat Bastard, Jango Fett and Boba Fett, I’m sorry I waxed you. I love you too—not your habits, but you.”
“Aww, that’s nice,” Fat Bastard said, looking up from his pre healing testicle wash. “Weese love you too, dollface.”
“And no worries about that there wax youse gave us,” Jango said, with a thumbs up. “My fur is comin’ back in curly—good look for me.”
“Yep,” Boba added. “Weese was thinkin’ bout gettin’ dehaired on a regular basis.”
I nodded and tried not to laugh. I was trying to have a serious conversation here.
“Mac,” I continued. “You kind of scare me, but I think you’re an awesome leader and an amazing father to Jeeves, Henry and Audrey. They’re so lucky to have you. And the fact that you love Zelda so much makes me love you even more.”
Mac chuckled and kissed the top of my head. “I love you too, Sassy.”
“Jeeves, I’m nothing without you. I mean I’m somebody, but I’m a better witch with you. I love you so much it hurts sometimes and I’ll love you forever. Oh, and your kangaroo is totally hot.”
“To the moon and back, my Sassy,” Jeeves said, gently wiping the tear that escaped from my eye. “Forever and always.”
I had one more person left to bestow my love upon. I wasn’t sure he deserved it, but I deserved the opportunity to say it. For some unexplainable reason I was pretty sure I loved the bad guy—or I could. I knew there was a chance he wouldn’t make it through the healing. He was so near death, it would be a miracle to bring him back.
That made what I needed to say even more important.
Kneeling back down next to my father, I touched his face—the beautiful side and the ugly side. His eyelids fluttered a bit, but I wasn’t sure he was going to hear any of what I had to say. However, it didn’t matter. This was as much for me as it was for him.
“I don’t know what happened to you,” I whispered as my tears fell on him. “I don’t know what made you so horrible, but I can see that you’re trying to change. I’d like to think it’s because of me, but if you die I’ll never know. I want you to live so you have a chance, but that’s up to you. There are people who used to love you here. I want to love you if that’s possible.”
My head fell to my chest and I searched for what else I needed to say.
“It might be a mistake to save your sorry ass, but it will be my mistake. I’ll end you if I have to, but… I really don’t want to do that. I used to pretend that you had a frilly pink room in your house waiting for me and that you were going to save me from the orphanage, but you never came.”
My father’s eyes opened and a faint moan escaped his cracked and bleeding lips.
“Don’t say anything,” I told him, gently pressing my finger to his mouth. “Just go with what’s about to happen. Fight to stay with us. Fight for me and the rest will be what it will be.”
His eyes fluttered shut, but a small smile pulled at his lips.
“I love you Dada,” I whispered so softly I wasn’t sure he would hear me, but that was okay. “You might not deserve it, but I do. Someone needs to love you and I’ll be that someone.”
“Ready?” Zelda asked. “If we don’t do it now, it will be too late.”
“I’m ready,” I told her. “And thank you.”
“You are most welcome, Sassy Pants. Now get out of my way and let me work.”
And I did.
And she did.
And time marched on because no matter what happened, that’s what time did.
Epilogue
“Sweet Goddess on crack, you’re a gorgeous bride,” Zelda said, squishing me in a hug so tight I could barely breathe.
“I’m nervous,” I admitted when she let me go and continued to admire me.
“About marrying Jeeves?” Marge asked as she pinned the gossamer light veil into my wild blonde curls.
“Hell to the no,” I said with a giggle. “I’d marry Jeeves everyday for the rest of my life if that was legal. I just have bees in my stomach.”
“Butterflies,” Zelda corrected me.
“Those too,” I said, admiring the exquisite, one of a kind Vera Wang wedding dress I wore.
I felt like a fairy princess and for the first time in my life I believed I was beautiful on both the inside and the outside. Learning to love myself hadn’t been easy, but it was so very worth it.
“Is everything okay out there?” I asked.
“Define okay,” Zelda said with a smirk.
“Tell me,” I begged, getting panicky. There was a hell of a lot that could go wrong considering the guest list. Since there was no church to speak of in Assjacket, Zelda and Mac had generously offered their home. It was perfect as Jeeves had grown up here—not to mention it was huge and lovely.
“Well,” she said sitting down on the couch in her bedroom and getting comfortable. “Your chipmunks have taken their jobs as ushers very seriously. They’ve moved the guests around at least four times and have insisted that all the guests chew gum. Everyone is completely confused, especially since Chunk is calling out instructions.”
“Shit,” I muttered with a giggle. “That’s not going to end well.”
“Baba Yaga is totally over it and wait till you see what she thinks is appropriate wedding attire.” Zelda’s eye roll was enormous and Marge’s grunt made me smile.
“I’m sorry. My sister has no taste at all.”
“Except in men,” I corrected with an evil little grin aimed at my BFF. “She is dating Fabio.”
“Don’t remind me,” Zelda groused. “That gives me gas.”
Zelda and Marge looked like they’d walked off the page of a fashion magazine in the insanely flattering hot pink Stella McCartney bridesmaid dresses I’d chosen for them. Mac was standing up for Jeeves and Roger the rabbit was officiating. I was a little iffy on Roger, but Jeeves promised me it would be fine.
Ironically, the wedding was being catered by my husband-to-be, with help from Marge and Wanda—the best chefs in the world. They’d been cooking for days and our little house smelled heavenly. I’d peeked at the cake Marge had made and sobbed like a baby. On the very top was a kangaroo with enormous fangs and a very sexy blonde witch holding her broom. Marge was brilliant and happily living with us. The chipmunks were driving her a little crazy, but that was okay because they drove everyone crazy.
“Did you really request I’ve Got Friends in Low Places for your walk down the aisle?” Zelda asked with a scrunched nose.
“Yep, I freakin’ love that song,” I told her dancing around the room with excitement.
Throwing my hands in the air and wiggling for all I was worth, I really wanted to get the party started.
“Holy crap baskets, let me see your hand,” Zelda gasped out, grabbing me and examining my ring finger. “That is a motherhumper of a rock.”
“Right?” I shouted, still shocked that Jeeves had not kept his word about saving up for a more modest ring. Secretly, I was freakin’ thrilled, but that wasn’t humble or polite or ladylike or…
Oh, whatever, I loved the damn thing, but I loved my man even more.
“Girlie, you’re going to have to exercise that arm to hold that ring up,” Marge said with an amused shake of her head.
“Not a problem,” I assured her. “Are you going to be okay today?” I was touching on a very touchy subject.
She paused and sighed. “It’s your day. It’s not about me… or him.”
Nodding slowly, I agreed. It was about me and it was about Jeeves. Today was about both of us and our love for each other. The thought of sharing our love with our friends in a way that wasn’t lewd or illegal made me happy. I wanted everyone to be there when we promised ourselves to each other.
“He doesn’t have to be here. I still barely know him,” I told her, meaning every word. “If it makes you uncomfortable, I’ll have him leave.”
Marge sat down and stared at her hands. “He’s trying, Sassy. He’s not the man I knew and never will be again, but he’s trying to be a better person. He should be here. I’ll be fine.”
“Promise?”
“Witch’s honor,” she said.
“It is bizarre,” Zelda commented. “He’s still pretty heinous looking, but the pretty part is slowly winning.”
“True,” I agreed. “But the jackhole hasn’t been able to visit my house.”
“Have you banned him?” Zelda asked.
“Nope. Baba and Marge warded the house from anything or anyone with even the most remote intentions of evil. We’re storing the green shit there. So while he might be slightly less appalling to look at, he’s definitely not good yet.”
“He may never be completely good,” Marge said in a serious voice. “He has much to atone for.”
“Tell me about it. The Goddess has zapped his ass about twenty times daily for the past two weeks. I almost feel sorry for him. I know how that shit feels.”
“Been there, felt that,” Zelda said with a wince as she stood up and offered me her hand. “You ready to get married, Sassy Louise Pants?”
Grinning so hard it hurt my cheeks, I nodded. “I am, but you got my name wrong.”
“I did?”
“Yep. It’s Sassy Louise Bermangoggleshitz-Pants.”
“You’re sure about that? I thought that wasn’t your style.”
“Styles change and so do people,” I told her, feeling great about keeping the name of my father. “I’m absolutely sure.”
* * *
The bees in my stomach were clearly building a massive hive. Something wasn’t right. I had no doubts about Jeeves at all. All my friends were here and there was going to be square dancing at the reception.
It was everything I’d wanted.
I had something borrowed, something blue, something old and something new. What the hell was missing?
Zelda, Marge and I were ready. We were in the kitchen. All we had to do was wait for Simon the skunk to start playing the music and I’d be a married witch in a matter of an hour.
But still…
Peeking through the keyhole, I gasped in delight. The Great Room in Zelda’s house was filled with the people I loved and more pink and white roses than I’d ever seen. Fabio and Baba Yaga held the babies as people cooed over them. Roger was silently practicing his speech on the makeshift altar that Mac and Jeeves had built. It was trellised and dripping in lush greenery and delicate roses.
My boys were still rearranging the guests, much to their dismay, but they were so serious about trying to get everything just right, everyone went along with it.
Fat Bastard, Jango Fett and Boba Fett sat in the front row going to town on their privates. I didn’t care. They could wash their nads in my presence for the rest of eternity. I’d simply turn my head… and wear earplugs. The noise was foul.
Jeeves stood proudly next to Mac at the alter looking so handsome and sure. He bounced on his toes with delight and excitement. My man was hotter than the bowels of hell in his tuxedo. I wanted to run down the aisle and tackle him, but that wasn’t what the humans did in their ceremonies.
And I was going to do this shit right.
The only bummer that pulled at my heart was my father. He sat alone. No one sat near him. He wasn’t well received in Assjacket and for good reason. He’d done some really shitty things. However, my friends were good and forgiving people. They tolerated him because they loved me and everyone one could see he was slowly changing for the better.
I watched as he tried to wave at few people, but they turned their heads quickly in fear.
Crap. Crap. Crap. I knew what was wrong. Did I have it in me to fix it?
Yes. Yes I did.
“I gotta do something real quick,” I told Zelda and Marge.
“You have to pee?” Zelda questioned, looking concerned. “It’s gonna take a while to do that in that dress. Wedding’s about to start. Can you hold it?”
“I don’t have to pee,” I told her. “I just need to go in there and do something.”
“You can’t,” Marge insisted. “I’ve never been to one of these, but I’m pretty sure that’s bad luck.”
“Seriously?” I asked, frustrated. Humans had a bunch of shit to deal with. I was very happy I was a witch.
Both women nodded.
Where there is a will there’s a way…
“I’ve got this,” I said, throwing open the doors. “Everyone close your eyes,” I shouted. “I’m coming in and you’re not supposed to see me yet. I’m serious here. It’s bad fucking luck to see me right now. I will wax anyone that peeks. Are we clear?”
A chorus of terrified yesses rang out from the crowd and a laugh from the man of my dreams. Goddess, I loved him.
Not losing a precious second, I marched right over to where my father was seated by himself and yanked him to his feet. “You’re coming with me.”
“It’s all right, Sassy,” he said in his gruff voice. “I shouldn’t be here.”
“What?” I asked, not following.
“Umm… can I open my eyes?” he requested, with sad smile that made his half beautiful face look tragic.
“Yes, you can. Hurry up. I need to get married.”
“As you wish,” he said as he walked up the aisle and toward the front door. “Have a beautiful wedding, my daughter. You deserve it.”
“Where in the Goddess’s name do you think you’re going?” I demanded slapping my hands on my hips.
“I’m leaving like you requested,” he said.
“I didn’t say that.”
“What did you say?” he asked, tilting his head in confusion.
“How in the hell am I supposed to remember what I said? It could have been in French for all I know. I
’m getting married for the love of the Goddess. I’m not responsible for anything today.”
“You want me to stay?” He seemed wildly unsure what to do.
Rolling my eyes, I grabbed him and pulled him away from the door. “Yes, I want you to stay, you jackhole. I want your sorry ass to walk me down the aisle like fathers are supposed to do. You feel me?”
“I do,” he said as more of his face became beautiful and a smile pulled at his lips. “Are you sure?”
“Hell no, but that never stops me. You ready?”
“Yes. Yes, I am. And thank you.”
“For what?” I asked, yanking him into the kitchen and slamming the doors shut.
“For giving me a reason.”
“A reason?” I questioned him.
He nodded and tucked my arm into the crook of his elbow. “A reason to live—a reason to change.”
Marge and Zelda stepped in front of us and prepared to enter. The glance my father exchanged with Marge was charged with so much pain and emotion, I looked down. That was their row to hoe—not mine. He’d be lucky if Cookie Witch gave him the time of day, but she would be a rockin’ stepmom. My father had a lot of penance to pay before that was even a possibility. But he had a chance—a reason.
Wasn’t that all anyone ever needed?
“Okay. Let’s get me married. I’m sufficiently ready to give up my singledom.”
He looked at me and smiled.
“That was French,” I told him in case he didn’t know.
“It was lovely.”
“Thanks, I don’t even know when I’m speaking it most of the time.”
“I’m impressed.”
“Oh, and I’m hyphenating my name—I’m keeping Bermangoggleshitz and adding Jeeves’ last name. Kind of sucks as far as names go, but it’s yours—and mine.”
“I don’t deserve this,” my dad said, staring at the ground.
“Nope, you don’t, but you will or I’ll kick your ass so hard you’ll think the Goddess’s zaps are love taps. We clear?”
“Completely,” my dad said with a delighted laugh as we stepped through the doors and into my beautiful future.
Today was absolutely the best day of my life.
A Tale Of Two Witches: Magic and Mayhem Book Five Page 14