Erin muttered a prayer for patience as she rubbed her forehead. Angus was a known horse’s arse when he was drinking, but he usually had the sense not to pack a fecking gun around while in such a condition. What a day this was turning out to be. She didn’t know whether to be worried for Angus’s sanity or to be in mortal fear for her own life.
“Did ya call me out here to kill me, Angus? Is that what this shit is about? I always knew ya were a competitive sort, but ya could at least try to force me to move first. Yer meddling has nearly ruined my business reputation in this town anyway. Fact is… I’ve been thinking about leaving Lisdoonvarna anyway. No one believes me when I say ya have been buying off the suitors when I know fecking well, it’s the only way ya could ever make a real match.”
“Erin? Erin O’Shea? Feck ya for not saying hello. I thought ya were an avenging angel come to torment me.”
Angus stumbled and had to plant his feet firmly to stay standing. He put a hand on his head, but it just wouldn’t stop spinning. Worse, Erin’s complaining always got through even the finest of liquors.
“Och… are ya daft, woman? Our relationship isn’t that twisted. I would never call ya out to Mary’s grave… not for any reason.”
Erin O’Shea reached out her hand and shook the paper in it. “Yar a drunken liar, Angus MacNamara. This is yer handwriting asking me to meet ya here or I’m as dead in the head as yer Mary down there.”
“Liar? I’m no fecking liar,” Angus barked. He shoved the loaded gun back in its holster, fuming because a man couldn’t even kill himself in peace in this town.
Stepping across Mary’s grave to get to the woman who’d both aided and hindered him in his matchmaking efforts, Angus yanked the paper from her steady fingers. Seeing them tremble a bit had him remembering that one night his weakness had decided to get the better of him. It had been so long since he’d had a woman, and the ale had gone to his head then too, and… feck it all. A living man had needs, didn’t he? It had only been the one time, but Erin O’Shea made it seem like he’d ruined her forever.
He looked at his writing on the note, bemused and befuddled by the realness of it. Even as tipsy as he was, he had to admit it was a damn fine replication. “I can see why ya thought this was mine, but I swear on Mary’s grave, I didn’t write this. Tell me truthfully, Erin… ya had this faked to torment me, didn’t ya?”
Erin fisted hands on her hips. “Why in the Goddess’s name would I bother faking a note from ya that had me traipsing out here to watch ya talk nonsense to a bag of bones in the ground? No one’s down there, Angus. Mary’s spirit left this world at her death. I’ve tried to tell ya that for years.”
Angus swung the letter around and shook it at her. “How should I know why ya would do something like this to torment me? Yar a woman, aren’t ya? That makes ya do things no man could ever understand.”
“Listen here, you drunken arse…” Erin began.
A throat clearing nearby interrupted her scolding and earned the interrupter a glare she usually reserved for her primary age students at the school where she taught. The throat clearer was just one of a group of five strange men staring hard at her and Angus. They were strangely dressed too. All looked like they were heading for a fancy French funeral.
The man who had interrupted them hid a smile as he coughed into his hand, but nodded at them both when he saw he’d finally gotten their complete attention.
“I’m Agent Black from Universe 1. And you are Angus MacNamara and Erin O’Shea from Universe 6. You’re very recognizable and it’s a pleasure to see you both in person.”
Angus pulled his pistol. He held it at the ready at his side and didn’t point it directly, but he wanted them to know he could… and would… use it if necessary.
“Who are ya and what do ya want?” Angus demanded. He watched the one who’d done all the talking so far turn to the nearest one behind him. Maybe it was the drink affecting his eyes, or the overcast day making everything dreary, but the men all looked nearly the same to him. He could scarcely tell them apart with their blackened glasses and blacker suits.
“Are we prepared to insert the U10 version?” Agent Black asked the one behind him.
“Yes, sir,” his near twin replied.
Angus cocked his weapon and lifted it. “I don’t think so, boy-o. None of ya will be doing any inserting on me or my lady friend here.”
Erin put her hand on Angus’s arm. “Stop. They outnumber ya. And ya don’t even know what they’re meaning. Lower yer pistol before ya do something ya might regret.”
“Get behind me, woman. I’ll take a few of them out before I go. Maybe they’ll change their mind about what they intend to do to ya.”
Erin snorted and hung on, tugging his arm harder. “If this is another of yer practical jokes to get me behind ya just so ya can fart in my general direction, I’ll not be falling for it this time. Now I insist ya pull yerself out of yer Guinness haze. Lower yer fecking gun before the fecking thing goes off.”
“It’s alright, ma’am. I appreciate you trying to keep everyone safe, but it’s not necessary. The single bullet he loaded earlier has already been removed from Mr. MacNamara’s gun. He won’t be able to harm anyone even if he tries to shoot,” Agent Black said quietly.
Erin turned as Angus pointed the gun to the sky and shot. The trigger clicked, but nothing happened. He jerked from her grasp to examine his pistol.
“What the feck is going on here? It can’t be empty. I just chambered that round,” Angus declared.
Erin watched in stunned fascination as the one calling himself Agent Black calmly shrugged.
“Yes, sir. You did chamber a round. In the time space just after you performed that action and just before Ms. O’Shea arrived here, one of my men briefly inserted himself in a time stop and emptied the chamber while you were distracted with your speech. You were so determined to end your life that we thought it best to intervene a bit earlier than planned.”
Erin turned to glare at the man beside her. “Angus Ian MacNamara,” she said in shock. “Ya were going to end yer own life? Why?”
“My thoughts are my own fecking business… and none of yers… or theirs,” Angus said tersely, his head tilting to the men dressed all in black.
Her single glance back to Agent Black caught the pitying look on his face. Fecking Angus. He was always landing them both in a giant pile of shit.
“I’m sorry to traumatize you, Ms. O’Shea, but your presence is now needed as well. That’s why we sent you the note from Mr. MacNamara. Two matchmakers are required. It’s been decided to take the pair of you while it’s still possible.”
Erin gasped at the admission and shook the note at all the men dressed in black. “I can’t believe ya would be so conniving. May Brighid split ya from gut to gullet on my behalf.”
“Yes, ma’am,” Agent Black said cheerfully. “I am fully versed in ancient Celtic legends from your universe’s timeline. Brighid was the goddess of the hearth and forge, but also the defender of women.”
“I’ll show ya a defender of women,” Angus said, starting toward the man intending to beat the crap out of at least one of them so they’d know he wasn’t fooling around.
“Wait… did ya just say that ya fecking stopped time?” Erin yelled the crazy query in disbelief. Then she started walking toward the man she was trying to save. “Angus, stop… I’m telling ya no good will come from yer impulsive actions.” She picked up her pace, reached out, but Angus speeded up too. “Will ya at least try to control yer drunken self? They’re obviously mad as diseased hens. Get your big arse back here.”
“Shut up, woman,” Angus yelled. “Can’t ya see I’m trying to protect us?”
Erin shook her head fiercely. “No. All I see is an eegit walking half-cocked into a fight with a group of men half his age. Sure now, they’re a skinny lot compared to ya, but I think it will only take a couple to bring ya down. Lay off the lads, you old fool. How much did ya drink today?”
“Actually
, it will only take one of us to stop him,” Agent Black said calmly. He motioned with his hand and another of the men pointed a device at a still advancing Angus. A few seconds later, Angus dropped face first to the ground, landing like a large stone.
Calling out in alarm, Erin ran forward and stooped down to check him. “Angus, talk to me,” she demanded, but there was no answer. She looked up and glared at Agent Black. “Bastard. Ya didn’t have to kill him.”
Agent Black smiled. “Rest assured, Ms. O’Shea. I didn’t take his life. I merely subdued Mr. MacNamara while we insert his alternate version from Universe 10 who died just this morning of natural causes. They don’t bury their dead there, so we gathered the body up for our use before they could incinerate it. Mr. MacNamara’s U10 self will show all the signs of having had a heart attack which will allow Mr. MacNamara’s U6 self to travel back with us unmissed. His children will find the U10 alternate and bury him beside his wife. That’s what would have happened anyway if he’d shot himself… probably. Whatever the case, that’s the plan we’re going with today.”
Erin’s mouth dropped open for the second time. Her brain was spinning, but she figured it best to go along with the crazies. “What do ya plan to do with the still live Angus now? I didn’t quite catch what ya said about the matter.”
“You and he will accompany us back to Universe 1 where you’ll serve New Earth and all its remaining people in a unique capacity using the acquired learning of your Universe 6 matchmaking professions.”
“Me? Goddess… yar taking me with ya too?”
“Yes, ma’am. I’m really sorry to deliver this news so abruptly. Your Universe 1 self is also dead, as is the first Erin alternate we jumped there. In Universe 6, you’ll unfortunately become one more missing person who vanished without a trace. That sort of incident happens naturally in all universes, so it’s not like the scenario isn’t feasible in Universe 6 space time. Those who miss you will assume you left because the love of your life died so suddenly and tragically of heart failure.”
“Why would anyone believe such a thing? I’ve never had a husband. I have no love,” Erin declared.
Agent Black smiled. “With all due respect, ma’am, I was speaking of Mr. MacNamara.”
Erin was so shocked that she was speechless for a moment. She looked down at Angus still on the ground. Her inner harpy rose to the surface like it always did when someone pointed out her weakness for the most contrary man she’d ever had the misfortune to lust after.
“Yar speaking of Angus MacNamara? Ya think he’s the love of my life? Now I know yar mad for sure.”
Agent Black rubbed his chin and looked at the other men. They looked at each other and shrugged. Erin heard yet another one speak up, but his comment made little sense.
“In most multi-verses, Ms. O’Shea is with Mr. MacNamara at some point. This is one of the few where it might never have happened… without some intervention, I mean. The risks are marginal and our options for Ms. O’Shea alternates are fewer.”
Agent Black turned back around to face her as he spoke. “Then I remain committed to my plan to take you both, Ms. O’Shea. Hopefully you’ll be a calming influence on Mr. MacNamara.”
“And what happens to me if I don’t fecking want to go with ya?” Erin asked.
Agent Black—the scoundrel—had the nerve to chuckle at her dare instead of answering her. The last thing she saw was him waving a hand to the man behind him without looking away from her. The dastardly device came up again and suddenly she was falling face first across Angus’s plaid kilted ass.
Robyn’s Book List (in correct reading order)
HOT DAMNED SERIES
Fashionably Dead
Fashionably Dead Down Under
Hell on Heels
Fashionably Dead in Diapers
A Fashionably Dead Christmas
Fashionably Hotter Than Hell
Fashionably Dead and Wed
Fashionably Hotter Than Hell
Fashionably Fanged
SHIFT HAPPENS SERIES
Ready to Were
Some Were in Time
No Were To Run
Were Me Out
MAGIC AND MAYHEM SERIES
Switching Hour
Witch Glitch
A Witch In Time
Magically Delicious
A Tale Of Two Witches
HANDCUFFS AND HAPPILY EVER AFTERS SERIES
How Hard Can it Be?
Size Matters
Cop a Feel
If after reading all the above you are still wanting more adventure and zany fun, read Pirate Dave and His Randy Adventures, the romance novel budding novelist Rena was helping wicked Evangeline write in How Hard Can It Be?
Warning: Pirate Dave Contains Romance Satire, Spoofing, and Pirates with Two Pork Swords.
About Robyn Peterman
Robyn Peterman writes because the people inside her head won’t leave her alone until she gives them life on paper.
Her addictions include laughing really hard with friends, shoes (the expensive kind), Target, Coke Zero Cherry with extra ice in a Styrofoam cup, bejeweled reading glasses, her kids, her super-hot hubby and collecting stray animals.
A former professional actress with Broadway, film and T.V. credits, she now lives in the South with her family and too many animals to count.
Writing gives her peace and makes her whole, plus having a job where you can work in your underpants works really well for her. You can leave Robyn a message via the Contact Page and she’ll get back to you as soon as her bizarre life permits! She loves to hear from her fans!
Fun Ways To Connect With Robyn
www.robynpeterman.com
[email protected]
A Tale Of Two Witches: Magic and Mayhem Book Five Page 19