“Damn it, Lils. I’m going to kill you,” she said without any anger, just an awareness that she would feel it later.
That left only Owen. Our eyes met and he shook his head. He’d known what was happening and as I turned my attention to him, he scooted his chair back and stood.
“Sorry, gotta go. Catch you guys later.” He took off and the burning went with him. I felt bad that he’d left because of me, but the relief to my hands was wonderful.
“What’s your schedule like?” Micah asked, trying to sneak a peek over my shoulder. “French? I thought you were taking Spanish.”
“So did I.” My schedule crinkled in my hands as I tried to remember what had possessed me to make that change. “Maybe it was just a mistake. I’m going to head over to the office and see if they can switch it.”
The office, it turned out, was not as helpful as I’d hoped. The small space was full and I ended up having to wait almost thirty minutes to get things figured out, at which point I was then late for my first class.
I raced to class, and thankfully the teacher had just started, so I snuck through the entrance sticking close to the wall. I spotted Chloe sitting in the row farthest from where I was, with Micah seated on her right. There were a few random seats around the room and I found one near the back. I tried to catch Chloe or Micah’s eye while the teacher went through roll and then the class syllabus, but all class they were either focused on the teacher, or talking to each other.
The rest of the morning flew by, including the advanced Spanish class the office was able to squeeze me into. It was a higher level than I’d been expecting, but if I worked hard, I’d be able to catch up, and Spanish was one of those classes I didn’t mind studying for.
When lunch hit, I went to my locker and pulled out my lunch bag. There was no knowing what the cafeteria would serve on the first day. The cafeteria was packed when I went by, so I headed outside to one of the picnic tables scattered around the courtyard. Despite the beautiful weather, the tables outside were nearly empty.
“Are you avoiding everyone or just me?” Micah plopped his tray across from me.
“I’m not avoiding you.”
“So everyone else then?”
“Pretty much. The first day is always intense and it was pretty crowded in there. I really just needed some air.” I picked at the crust of my sandwich and took a small bite of one piece. One glance at his tray confirmed my suspicions about the day’s lunch. Maybe I’d try in a few days, after they’d had time to settle back in.
“So, we’re cool then?”
“Yeah, of course. Why wouldn’t we be?” I gave him a smile that I hoped looked authentic.
“Right.”
“You know, I’m really starting to hate that word.” This time the curling of my lips was real.
“I just don’t want things to be weird or anything between us. I mean, with Hannah and everything, I’m not really wanting...you know.”
Wow. It was a lot more awkward than I’d thought it was going to be.
“No, I get it. Things happen. We’re just friends.” Things happen? Really? Because this thing had never happened to me before. Other than Dylan, I’d never kissed anyone like that. But it was all I could think to say.
“Good. What have you got this afternoon?” He dug into his lunch and I wondered how he could eat the sloppy mess I could only guess was a form of spaghetti.
We spent the rest of lunch discussing our classes and teachers. Apart from calculus in the morning, we also had English and History in the afternoons together. Things felt normal between us again.
Since English was right after lunch, we walked together and, once inside, found neighboring seats.
“We should save one for Chloe,” Micah said, placing one of his books on the desk behind him to save it.
“She has this class with us?” How and why did Micah know Chloe’s schedule?
“Yeah. You didn’t know?”
“No, I didn’t get a chance to ask her what she had.” I focused on organizing my backpack and the notebook I was going to use for class. Once my highlighters and both pencils were lined up across the top of my desk, I stared at them blankly.
My stomach clenched in a knot and I tried to decipher what was wrong with me. What came wasn’t a pretty thought. I was jealous. Micah was my friend. Not Chloe’s. Sure he was friends with Phoebe, but that was different. Phoebe had Nathan and Tonya, Bianca, Owen and even Karin. I only had Micah.
I’d tried with the others, but none of them felt as comfortable as Micah. And everyone had paired off into BFF or dating relationships. Even Karin was constantly attached to Owen’s hip regardless of if he wanted her there.
Micah was mine. Chloe had her own friends. She didn’t need another. She had Nadine and the other cheerleaders. Why did she have to take mine?
A poke on my arm tore me out of my jealous mental tirade. I looked for the poker and found Chloe, smiling behind Micah.
“Can I borrow a pencil? I lost mine.”
I glanced at my two sharpened pencils, then back at her. I needed two pencils in case one broke. I didn’t want her to have one of them. I was on the verge of saying no, when it hit me how vindictive I was being over Micah simply knowing her schedule. I grabbed a pencil and practically flung it at her.
“Thanks,” she said sarcastically as she picked it up off the floor.
I ignored the looks she and Micah exchanged and prayed for class to start. Ms. Garcia stood up, and I almost groaned in frustration. I’d hoped this year I would have a different English teacher who wanted cookie cutter essays and boring analysis of the pieces we read. English wasn’t completely horrible, though by the end of the week I was fairly certain I wouldn’t be jumping for joy every time I walked into her class.
“You busy tonight?” Micah asked as we headed toward History class two weeks into the school year.
“No, why?”
“Well, my parents have been taking care of Hannah every night since school started back, but it’s their anniversary and I wanted them to have a night off. So, it’s just going to be me and Hannah and I figured that’s kind of a lame way to spend a Friday night. I thought you might want to come over and watch a movie. Dad finally broke down and upped our cable package so we can order pay-per-view. Your choice.”
“Sure, that sounds great.” My skin gave a delicious tingle like it did every time I knew I’d be alone with Micah.
Going to Micah’s place wasn’t that unusual for me. Since school had started, I’d spent a lot of time with him and Hannah. She was a cute little girl, only just trying to walk and I loved how she would hold onto the table or couch and inch her way around the room. Watching Micah with her was so amazing. He was a completely different person. Gone was the sarcastic, tough guy vibe he normally sent out, and in its place was a boy who would press raspberry kisses on Hannah’s little tummy and let her pull his hair nearly out.
Mr. and Mrs. Davidson were pulling out of the driveway just as I drove up. They waved at me and I waited for them to drive off before I pulled into their spot. I’d be gone by the time they got back.
I gave a short knock on the door and then let myself in. Micah was on the couch, flipping through the channels, while Hannah entertained herself by chewing on a giant pink Lego block. She dropped it and let out a squeal when she saw me, holding her arms out to me, a wordless beg to be lifted. Ignoring the uncomfortable warmth that always accompanied her, I scooped her up and tickled her ribs with one hand. Her tinkling laugh made it feel as if my heart were smiling. She was so innocent and sweet. Drawing in a deep breath and smelling her own special scent mixed with baby powder, I wondered how her mother could have not wanted her. I was years from being ready to have a child, but if Hannah were mine, I never would have let her go.
“Hey, you’re blocking the view,” Micah said and leaned to the side to see around me.
“Sorry.” I pressed a kiss to Hannah’s head and put her back on the ground within reach of the new purple L
ego that had drawn her attention. “So what are we watching? And please do not say a zombie movie. Phoebe has been on a zombie marathon this week and I’ve started to dream in moan.”
“Moans aren’t all bad you know.” His wicked smile came out to play and I wished I’d had the flirting ability of Chloe or even Phoebe. Flirting wasn’t something I’d tried very often on Dylan, and I’d learned that Micah was way too good at it. So instead, I suffered through a severe case of flaming freckles.
I curled onto the opposite end of the couch from him, and then stretched out my legs, letting my feet rest on his knee, while he started the movie. Hannah crawled over to the couch and pulled herself up to a standing position. Her mouth opened wide in a yawn that scrunched her face up into the sweetest little butterball. Micah reached down and lifted her up onto the couch and she squirmed her way over to me. As much as Hannah was Daddy’s girl, she loved cuddling with her grandma and me. I liked to think it had to do with me and not my gift drawing her in. Within minutes, she’d settled onto my chest, belly down and her face against my neck, her back lifting rhythmically in time with her breathing.
Micah let her rest there a while, until eventually he got up and took her to her crib. I didn’t watch him put her to bed. It seemed like such a private moment between them. Instead, I used the time to pop a bag of popcorn and grab a glass of water for myself. I settled back on the couch and munched on the popcorn while waiting for Micah to return. I tossed a piece up into the air and caught it in my mouth.
Anytime we’d had popcorn, Dylan had made me throw it at him so he could catch it in his mouth. He said it drove the cleanup crew at the theater crazy, but that he couldn’t hide his talent just because they were a little disgruntled.
“You awake?” Micah said, as he flopped onto the couch. I lifted my feet back into position, but he was sitting much closer now and it was practically my thighs lying on his. I started to curl them back in toward me, but he rested his hands on my legs, holding them in place.
Every cell in my body tingled and it was suddenly hard to swallow. Micah flipped the movie back on and explosions filled the room. Mercenaries weren’t much better than zombies really and they did even less to keep me focused on what was happening on screen rather than on how Micah’s fingers were gliding along the top of my thighs. Goose bumps broke out along my arm as a shiver traveled through me.
I tried to watch the movie, but each breath I took pressed his fingers harder against my legs, every movement he made brought me closer to him. He watched the movie and I studied his profile. His nose had a slight bump near the top of the bridge that I’d never noticed before, and he had just a shadow of stubble along his jaw. I wanted to know if it was like the soft peach fuzz Dylan had, or if it was rougher.
He moved a bit more and I responded by moving as well, both actions bringing us closer. He looked at me, catching me staring. I didn’t bother to hide it. I suddenly wanted him to know. I wanted to take the chance that maybe I wasn’t the only one feeling like there was more between us.
I leaned over and brushed his lips with mine, so soft that I almost didn’t feel the presence of them. Then we were kissing and nothing else mattered, only the taste of his kiss and the feel of his hands smoothing up my ribcage. His fingers moved higher and my breath caught for a moment then rushed out. I could feel everything he was doing, everything he felt. The quickening emotions flowed from him into me, and I felt consumed by a fire that for once didn’t twist me in agony. Nothing mattered but holding onto that sensation of being alive.
My shirt came off, followed by his, and he pressed me back on the couch until he was covering me. The skin on skin contact intensified the transfer and I wanted to stay connected to him forever.
Our heavy breathing filled the room, and he pulled back an inch, giving us space to breath separately, to regain our thoughts.
“Lily...God, what are we doing?”
“I... I don’t know but I don’t want to stop,” I said, and lifted my head to place a light kiss at the corner of his mouth. His teeth came out and caught my lower lip, giving a slight tug then letting go.
“I’m not looking for anything more than friends, Lils. With everything that happened with Jaime, I just can’t do that now. I can’t give you everything you want.” He levered up on his arms further, removing some of that delicious contact my body craved. “I’m sorry.”
I’d had everything with Dylan. It hadn’t been perfect, but it had been everything, and I’d lost it. Everything didn’t mean all things.
“I’m not asking for anything other than friends,” I said and looped my arms around his neck, letting gravity apply the pressure.
“Friends?” His head dropped, putting his lips a whisper away from mine.
“Friends,” I smiled against his lips, “with benefits.”
Later, I wondered what had possessed me. It has been such a blur of emotions. We moved from the couch to his room. Our clothes had come off. We had sex.
I’d dated Dylan for four years, and we’d never done it. I hadn’t been ready. I wasn’t sure I was ready now, but Micah made me feel things I hadn’t dreamed possible. He’d brought me out of the empty space Dylan had left me in. Micah’s emotions fueled my own craving for more. He blocked out the loneliness, the guilt, the powerlessness. I’d been consumed with a burning to belong to him.
Rolling off his bed, I used the sheet to cover myself until I pulled on most of my clothing. Micah moved on the other side, doing the same thing, although he didn’t bother with hiding behind a sheet. He acted as if it was completely normal, that he’d been naked in front of a girl before. Of course he had. It’s not as if Hannah came from the stork. The idea of how comfortable he was while I was petrified that he would look at me and wonder what he’d been thinking made me cringe. I didn’t want it to be awkward. I didn’t want to think that maybe it had been a mistake. What had happened might not have been everything, but it had been something and that was all I needed. Something.
I stood up to button my pants when Micah came up behind me and wrapped his arms around me. His bare chest was warm and I wanted to curl into him and never leave that cozy space.
“Lils, I meant what I said earlier about being friends. You are my best friend.” He pressed his lips to the sensitive spot I had where my shoulder and neck meet. “I don’t want that to change.”
“Friends,” I said and placed my hands overtop his, holding them in place. I could do that. Friends with benefits.
Lying in my bed that night, I felt like I was floating. The entire evening had been like a dream and I was still trying to believe that it had happened.
My door burst open and Phoebe sauntered in. She threw herself on the bed next to me and joined me in staring silently at the ceiling.
“I did it,” she said after a few minutes.
“You what?!” Was she really saying what I thought she had? Chloe better not come in and say she had too.
“Not that. Yet. I told Nathan I loved him and he said it back. It was absolutely perfect like we’d been saying it forever.”
“Oh. That’s a good thing.”
She rolled onto her stomach and propped herself up on her elbows. She was happy, so happy she looked like a completely different person. Could three simple words really do that to someone? What would Dylan have looked like if I’d said them to him? Would it have changed his mind about what he did?
“What did you do tonight?”
“Micah.” That wasn’t what I’d been planning on saying, but it was too late to take back.
Her mouth hung open in shock.
“Please tell me you misunderstood my question.” She sat up and I continued to stare at the ceiling. “You hung out right?”
“Yeah.”
“Oh. My. God.” She grabbed my pillow and whacked me with it hard, knocking me off the bed. “How could you not even tell me you guys were dating? And now you’re having sex and you weren’t going to tell me. Don’t even bother lying, I know you Lily Ann
Matlin.”
“We’re not dating.” I got off the floor, avoiding her gaze.
“What!?” Her shock quickly faded though and a sickening look of pity took over. “Oh, Lily, what did you do?”
“I don’t know. It just happened. We’re friends and ...” I fell back on the bed and threw an arm over my face. I’d felt so good about it, but now a sick feeling churned inside me and I could feel Phoebe’s concern building.
“Things like that don’t just happen, Lils. I’ve been friends with Owen for years and I’d never want something even close to that to happen.”
“I don’t know. The last time-”
“Last time!” she interrupted. “You mean this wasn’t the first time?”
“No! It was. We’d only kissed before.”
“Once? Twice? And you didn’t think that maybe the whole friends thing wasn’t going to work? And I thought you were the brains of the family.”
“We are friends. Micah is my best friend. This doesn’t change that.”
“It does, Lily. Why do you think Nathan and I haven’t done it yet? I like what we have now and I’m not ready for that to change. Sex is a big thing. You were with Dylan for four years and never had sex with him and now you’re doing it with Micah and you’re not even dating. Who are you? Because you are not my little sister.”
I groaned in frustration. Why had I been given sisters? A brother would not be asking me these things.
“I can’t believe Chloe didn’t tell me about this.” Phoebe started to slide off the bed, most likely to ream Chloe, but I caught her hand and tugged her back.
“She promised to not look into my future anymore. After how wrong she was about Dylan, I just didn’t want to live that way. Expecting one thing, focusing my entire life around a vision, only to have things change.”
“Interesting how she never gave me that same promise.” She sat back down and crossed her legs, while leaning back on her arms. “This is going to end badly, Lily.”
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