I lean up on my toes and softly kiss his lips. His chest rumbles under my hands and he wraps an arm around my waist. I press against his damp body, feeling the outlines of his body on mine. With him close, everything clears in my head. The voices screaming their questions and fears silence. Landon slowly pulls away and looks down at me.
"You look pretty," he whispers. "I like you in white."
I blush even though I'm pressed against a half-naked man who knows every one of my secrets and insecurities. He steps back and I see the hunger in his eyes. I feel like I'm his prey but oddly unafraid by my inevitable fate. I want to be his meal.
"I'm assuming no black underwear in that?" he says with a smirk.
"Actually none."
Landon throws his head back and groans. His fists clench at his sides and I know he's trying not to touch me. "You can't say that to me. You're killing me. Every second is killing me because I can't stop replaying everything about you."
I swallow loudly. Everything is telling me how wrong this is. All the rules we are breaking are crystal clear. But this is one of the few times I don't feel like I'm wrong.
"You ran out on me."
"I know," I agree. His words about being perfect brought too many memories of another voice saying it.
"You did the right thing."
"I know." I start to back away. "But it didn't feel right."
I turn and leave the gym before I do something we would both regret. As right as it feels, it's not. This is a piece of my puzzle that isn't ready to fit into the place. I step out onto the sidewalk, wondering what the picture will look like when the puzzle is complete.
The last week has been rough. I see Willow while she works and have to try hard not to touch her. After another "gentle" reminder from Dr. Mason, I am trying not to ruin what we have. Even if I have no idea what it that is exactly, I do know we share lingering looks and a struggle to keep our distance.
Willow has been quiet the past few days. She is still documenting her memories and answering my questions, but I feel like she's holding back. When she arrived at the gym, she was scared. Of what, I'm not sure yet. She's holding some cards close to her chest and it's driving me crazy not knowing. There's something she's not telling me.
I am always logical, straight to the facts and honest to a fault. I'm not naive enough to think we haven't already gone too far. I should be worried about her progress and what I'm learning about her condition. Instead, I'm concerned about her. I worry how she will cope with remembering, or never remembering. I'm not looking for the trigger that will bring it all back so I can study her. I'm looking for the piece of the puzzle that will make her happy.
I've gotten too close and I know it. Although I should regret it, I really don't. I once avoided things I wasn't prepared to replay thousand times over. I would happily relive kissing her and touching her, just knowing the way she looks at me. The only thing that will save us from this mess is Willow fully recovering. Or me stepping away completely. Both options seem unlikely.
My phone rings and Aaron's name flashes on the screen. "Hey," I answer.
"Hey. You should come up to the bar," he tells me. I can hear music and chatter behind him.
"I don't think so," I say.
"Willow is here with Paige," he tells me. "She's pretty drunk."
"Be there in a few," I tell him and hit end. Aaron wouldn't call if he thought the girls could handle themselves.
I grab my shoes and keys before rushing out the door. Aaron works only a couple blocks away, so it doesn't take me long before I'm standing directly behind Willow. She's giggling with Paige and hasn't noticed me standing behind her yet. Her speech is slurred and she wobbles on her stool. I reach out and hold her elbow to keep her from falling to the floor.
"Landon," Willow shouts when she notices me. Her arms wrap around my neck and I have to grab her waist to keep her from tripping. She sways on her feet and her cheeks are red.
"Willow, are you drunk?" I ask.
"Maybe," she says. "I'm on my way. Some smarty pants said I should make goals to work toward. That's my goal."
"This isn't exactly what I had in mind," I mumble. I motion for Paige to wait there and guide Willow back to a booth. She stumbles on her feet a few times before I slide her onto the seat. At least she can't fall over here. "Wait here," I tell her. She nods and gives me a sloppy smile.
At the bar, I motion for Aaron. "Why didn't you call me sooner."
"They asked me not to," he tells me.
"Why?" I turn to ask Paige.
"Not sure," she shrugs. "You should ask her that."
"Can you give us a minute?" I ask her.
"Take all the time in the world," she tells me. "I'm team Landon all the way."
I shake my head and head back to Willow. She somehow has another pink drink in front of her and is nibbling on the straw when I slide in next to her. The band starts to play again, and the room gets loud with music and voices trying to be heard.
"Why are you here, sweetheart?" I ask in Willow's ear.
"I just want to forget for a little bit," she answers. I watch the way her lips wrap around the straw.
"Forget what?"
"Everything I'm trying to remember. Don't you ever get sick of looking back? I want to look forward. Move forward."
I put an arm around the back of the booth and lean in toward Willow. I have her in the corner, blocking out the rest of the bar. I wait for her to focus on me and when she does, her pupils dilate and her wet lips part. Watching her reactions to me is becoming addicting. I want to drag out every response and every effect I have on her like she does to me without knowing.
"What are you running from?" I ask quietly.
"I don't want to tell you."
"Why?"
"Because you kissed me." She bites her lip. "And I like kissing you."
My head drops forward and I groan internally. That is the last thing she should say to me when all I can think about is the way she tasted and how her skin felt. When I look back up at her face, I see the turmoil and anguish on her face. I'd do anything to not be the cause of it.
"I won't kiss you again," I promise. "What can't you tell me?"
This is the exact reason I was supposed to stay away and be objective. If I weren’t involved, she wouldn't care what I thought and would trust me with anything she needed to say. Implanting myself in her personal life is causing her to hold back.
"Noah is kind of an asshole," she slurs. "He didn't want me to see you anymore."
I see red when I think of him forcing her to do anything. I didn't like the way he looked at us at the benefit. At first, I suspected he knew what happened, but when he didn't say anything, I thought he was merely jealous. I was the one she trusted and would help her out of this hole, not him.
"So I got pissed and asked why he didn't tell me we were engaged," she continues. "He said he wanted to propose all over again. We argued and then he sent flowers and a ring. I hate flowers. They stunk up my place. He said I didn't have to stop seeing you. He wants me to marry him."
She's rambling now and I can't understand the chain of events. Was that the order they occurred? I place a finger over her soft lips to quiet her. I feel like shit that she felt she couldn't tell me this before. As much as I hate thinking about him, I need her to talk to me about it.
"I don't know him," she says against my fingers. "I can't make myself love him."
"Then don't." I wish I could say that's the therapist in me talking.
"I feel like I owe it to him," she explains as her eyes start to glisten. "I have nowhere to go without him. He took a poor, lonely girl and built her into someone new. Problem is, I have no idea who that person is."
"You just want to look forward," I say in understanding. Willow doesn't want to force herself back into the life she once lived. She wants to build a new one. One that is true to the person she is now.
"Every day, I act and pretend. I act like I don't want you. I pretend to be the gi
rl Noah loves. It's exhausting," she whispers. "I don't want to pretend anymore."
I take her face in my hands. She's looking into my eyes and I want to extinguish the pain I see in her. I want to take away every fear, every worry, and anything else that hurts her. I would do it all if I could. Willow breaks our stare and rubs her forehead as her eyes squint in pain.
"Come on," I say in her ear. "Let's get you out of here."
She nods and lets me help her to her feet. I wrap my arm around her waist and take her to the bar where I tell Paige and Aaron we're leaving. Aaron agrees to take Paige home and tosses me a bottle of water. Once outside and on the sidewalk, Willow drinks the water while leaning against the building.
"Feeling better?" I ask her.
"Yes. Thank you."
"I'll take you home," I tell her. I can't tell if her headache is from a flashback or the drinking. I hate that she's not telling me and I feel like I can't ask.
"No!" She pushes herself off the wall. "I don't want to go back there. Not tonight. Please."
"My place?" In my head, I'm giving an acceptance speech for the award to the stupidest person on the planet. It's an honor.
I take her hand and Willow starts to sober up on the short walk back. We're quiet and walk in comfortable silence. Leading her to the door, I wish she was mine and I could follow through on all the ideas I have in my head. For once, I'm not bringing a girl back to make me forget. I unlock our door and once inside, I grab more water while Willow slips off her heels.
"Thank you for letting me come here," she says when she takes the water. "I don't feel safe there."
"You feel safe here?"
"I feel safe with you," she admits.
There are a thousand questions I want to ask her. Why doesn't she feel safe? Is she scared of Noah? What does she plan to do? Why do I feel like I need to save her from the world? I keep my mouth shut. Instead, I take her hand and lead her to my bedroom.
"You can sleep in this," I tell her as I hand her one of my shirts.
Willow pulls the shirt to her chest and sniffs it before going inside the bathroom to change. I roughly run my fingers through my hair while I wait. She shouldn't be here, but the thought of her anywhere else makes my skin crawl. When she comes out of the bathroom, she's swimming in my shirt. It comes down to mid-thigh and I can tell immediately she has nothing else underneath. It's just her bare skin touching my clothes. Her eyelids are heavy as she moves slowly toward me, so I help her crawl into my bed and start to leave.
"Stay," she says with a hand on my wrist.
"I shouldn't."
"We keep saying that to each other. I'm sick of hearing it," she says. Her green eyes are looking up at me, begging. "I don't care anymore."
I sigh but crawl on the bed next to her, over the covers. Willow lays her head on my chest and I listen as her breathing evens out. She fits in my arms perfectly, like a puzzle piece.
I wake from a dreamless and heavy sleep. My head is cushioned on a hard chest and my legs are wrapped around a warm body. A peace washes over me and I smile to myself. In all that I've done, trying to figure out how to be, this is the most at home I've felt in a long time. My fingers drift over Landon's chest and I look up to his face.
He looks younger and innocent in his sleep. His eyes that are always watching and intense are closed. His jawline is strong, but looks softer in the faint morning light. I run my fingers over the light stubble on his face and love the texture. His lips slowly lift into a smile as his arms tighten around me.
"Morning," he says. His voice is deep and raspy, sending shivers down my spine.
"Morning."
"How are you feeling?" he asks, turning to look at me.
"Good," I answer truthfully. For once, when I say I'm fine, I'm not lying. "Not even hungover."
He shifts himself out from underneath and lays on his side, facing me. His shirt is rumpled from sleeping in it and his hair is messy. I've never seen him look better.
"Stop looking at me like that," he says.
"Why?" I really can't unless I close my eyes, but I don't want to do that.
"You make me want to do things I can't."
I reach out and finger the hem of his shirt. Sliding my hands under the fabric, I feel his stomach and up to his chest. "I say you can."
Landon is over me instantly. Our lips clash together and he kisses me like a starving man. I kiss him back with equal hunger, taking all that I can. My hands quickly push his shirt up and over his head. I run my nails over his hard shoulders and back while he trails kisses down my neck. Every cell in my body is awake and begging for him. Months of restrained touches and pent up want is bursting from the seams. I don't even want to try holding it back any longer.
Landon presses firm against me and I pant in his ear. When his hand skims up my leg and grabs my bare ass, I moan.
"You're killing me," he whispers into my skin. "I don't think I can stop."
"I don't want you to."
My words break the last string of hold he has. Our hands are frantic and determined. The shirt is ripped over my head, leaving me completely naked underneath him. My legs are wrapped around his waist and only his jeans separate us. Landon's hungry gaze travels slowly over my body. He takes in every inch of exposed skin, memorizing it all. When he finally looks back at my face, I'm heated and needing more.
"Shit, you're gorgeous," Landon rasps with his forehead on mine. "I've imagined this so many times, but nothing comes close to this."
My entire body is on fire as I rub against him, moaning at the friction from his jeans. I need more. "What else have you imagined?" I ask. My own voice is breathy and broken.
"How you taste. Everywhere." Landon kisses a trial down my neck and chest, nipping and sucking. When his mouth closes over my nipple, I cry out and grip his hair. He moans and the vibration moves through my whole body, sending bolts of heat to between my legs. He pulls the other nipple in his mouth and I close my eyes, too dizzy with pleasure to focus on anything other than what I feel.
"The way you would cry out when I touched you," he continues. His large and sure fingers move between my legs and I dig my nails into his shoulders.
A finger skims through my wetness and I cry out when one finger slides inside. It feels like too much and not enough at the same time. He pulls out and thrusts back in slowly and I feel myself clench around his finger. When his thumb presses on my clit, I actually whimper. So many sounds I didn’t realize I was capable of are leaving my mouth. Landon curses and rests his head on my chest. My legs are trembling and I'm so close to coming that I can't breathe.
"Please," I beg him.
Landon pulls away to reach into the nightstand. After ripping the packaging open with his teeth, he shoves his pants down his legs. His movements are rushed and quick, but I'm turned on just by watching him strip down. I'm panting embarrassingly loud and my body is buzzing with excitement while it begs for him. Needing him. Landon hovers above me, looking down at my face. I see him searching, looking for answers. I lean up and kiss his lips hard, hoping I'm telling him what he needs to know.
I arch my back off the bed in invitation, ready to fall apart at the slightest touch. Landon reaches down and slides the head over my clit and opening to coat himself in my wetness. He's teasing me. I growl in frustration and look back into his eyes, begging for him to take me. I'm done questioning and holding back. Landon finally smirks and pushes into me with one hard push. I let out a cry of relief and close my eyes as I adjust to the size of him inside me. I feel so full and connected to him.
"Fuck," Landon breathes in my neck as I clench around him.
"Don't you dare stop now," I tell him. We've spent too long stopping and taking a step backward.
"Wouldn't dream of it."
Then he moves, pulling out and pushing back in at a tortuous slow pace. The sensations are building, reaching a high peak. Landon's body is tense and hard over mine, and I run my hands over his skin, memorizing every dip and groove. I arch
into him and he pushes deeper. His thrusts grow harder, more powerful, and I start to spiral out of control. Our groans are mixing together and I start to tighten around him.
I don't even try to be quiet, not caring who can hear my cries when I finally come apart. Every chain holding me down snaps, freeing me. I call out his name as he pounds into me harder and deeper, pushing my climax higher. I tremble as wave after wave rushes through me. Landon swells inside me, and with one last thrust, he groans my name. I'm shaking under him, sweaty and in a hazy cloud of bliss. I’m left feeling completely satisfied.
I don't know how long we stay like that, panting and holding on to each other like we are going to break apart. Our breathing slowly returns to normal and my limbs go weak. When Landon finally pulls out of me, I feel empty. After disposing of the condom, he returns to his bed to pull me into his arms. I can feel his heartbeat racing against my back. He kisses the back of my hair and I drift off in his arms.
When I wake again, hours later, my mind is clear. The constant noise is gone and I can finally hear my thoughts. I see what I need to do and the answers to my questions. I look behind me to Landon, still peacefully sleeping. As gently as possible, I slip out from his arms and out of the covers. In his bathroom, I find my dress from the night before and quickly dress. I comb my hair with my fingers and tip-toe to the living room for my shoes.
Once in a cab, I check my phone. Noah has texted several times. I answer Paige's texts that I'm okay. I feel bad leaving Landon without telling him, but I'm running out of time. I sigh in relief when I pull up to my apartment and Noah's car is still parked next door at the construction site. A few trucks are parked and unloading.
I pay the driver and head to the gate. My heels crunch on the gravel as I maneuver around large black crates to get to the door. A large man dressed in black steps in front of me when I'm about to enter. I bounce into his chest when he blocks. It's hard, but not like Landon's from constant boxing. It's hard like it's covered in armor. He's kind of scary as he looks at me unforgivingly.
"Sorry, miss. You can't come in here," he tells me.
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