by Louise Bay
“Good, I think. I won’t know for a few weeks whether I got in.” She wouldn’t meet my eyes as we parted. She headed toward the refrigerator as if we’d just had a friendly hug. “Rule number one of your pregnancy is that you can’t judge me for drinking. It’s going to be bad enough knowing that I’m the only one out of you, Beth and me that’s still on the booze, I don’t need to feel your judgment.”
“Deal. And shoot me if I become one of those women who start telling you that I didn’t know what love meant until I had a baby. I mean, I might think it, but if I let those words out, feel free to stuff them back in. I also promise to put the kid up for adoption if all I start to talk about is nappies and breastfeeding.”
“No one is being put up for adoption. Jesus.” Jake looked ashen. I couldn’t help but chuckle.
“I told you I’m going to be a terrible mother,” Haven said, shrugging as if he should know better than to expect anything else from her.
Jake grabbed her by the waist and held her against him. I looked away, their moment too private. I caught Ashleigh’s eye. She gave me a small smile. I missed her so much.
Things settled between us after that and entire minutes went by where I forgot the awkwardness between Ashleigh and me. It descended again when I had to resist smoothing my hand over her back as we sat at the table, and again when I was tempted to press my lips to her cheek as I passed her. I was forced to remember that we weren’t together.
“So seriously, we should celebrate, properly,” Jake said as he handed me a dish of vegetables. “Let’s go out. Next weekend, maybe.”
“I really want to go to Chiltern Firehouse,” Ashleigh said.
“It’s good.” I said at the same time Jake did.
The girls snapped their heads toward us. Jake and I exchanged a glance.
“Have you two been dating each other when we weren’t looking?” Haven asked.
“I went there ages ago, before us,” Jake said pointedly to Haven.
Haven transferred her glare from her husband to me.
“I went last weekend. It was nice,” I said.
I shouldn’t have said anything. The implication hung in the air like a dreary fog. No question, Chiltern Firehouse was a date restaurant. Ashleigh focused on her glass. I wanted to shout, “But you told me to date.” I didn’t. If she still had feelings for me, it would smart that I was taking someone out. If she was dating, I was pretty sure I’d go down for murder. Somehow we were going to have to get through this.
Together.
Ashleigh
I was staring at the crack in my ceiling. It was late—or early, depending on how you looked at it—but I couldn’t be bothered to turn my head to see exactly what time it was.
He’d been to Chiltern Firehouse last weekend. The weekend. So, not for work. I had willed Haven to ask him what he was doing there, but she’d busied herself with the plates and dishes in front of her.
Was it the kind of place Luke went on a first date, or was it more of a second date type of place? Luke would have definitely said if it hadn’t been a date, wouldn’t he? Otherwise, why hadn’t he said why he went? He must have taken a woman. A girlfriend? Frantically, I ran through the time that had passed. Could he already have a girlfriend? Perhaps. Especially if he’d known her before they’d started dating. Someone like Fiona.
The thought made me feel physically sick. Both because he hadn’t chosen me and I was never going to get my fairy tale, and because maybe I could have been okay loving him more than he loved me. I shouldn’t have pushed him away and insisted on this time apart. Maybe Luke was only ever going to go along with whatever was easy, and I’m sure Fiona was making things way easier than I was.
My phone vibrated on the cabinet next to me. In a burst of energy, I twisted to grab it. I flicked my fingers across the screen to discover a text from Richard. I let out a sigh. Five in the morning. I’d not slept a wink.
Richard was suggesting dinner tonight. I took a breath. It would be a good way to try to get Luke and Fiona out of my head. Last night had been a reminder to me that Luke was doing everything I’d wanted. He’d been getting on with his life.
I agreed to dinner, and I pulled myself out of bed. There was no point lying there thinking about what Luke may or may not have done. I needed to get on with my life too.
I’d changed in the locker room so we could go to dinner straight from work as Richard and my shifts coincided.
Richard came up behind me, slid his hand across my back and he kissed my cheek. “You ready?”
“Yeah. I thought maybe we could go to that pizza place—”
“Pizza?” He grimaced.
“In Shoreditch. It’s good. Iconic, or something. And I’m paying, so I get to choose.” I started to walk toward the bus stop.
“You’re not paying. And you’re going to make me go on the bus?”
“Don’t be a whiney baby.” I elbowed him in the ribs. “Come out of your ivory tower and live like the rest of us.” I grinned at him.
“Someone literally shit on me today. I’m not sure my ivory tower is as nice as you think it is.”
I giggled. “Well no one is going to shit on you on the bus . . . I think. So, you’re safe.”
After we got on the bus, we had to stand as all the seats were taken, upstairs and down. I clung on to the pole as the movement jostled us backward and forward, occasionally pushing me toward Richard. Each time he steadied me, his fingers lingered longer than they needed to, his palm pressing unnecessarily—warm and possessive. It felt protective, comfortable.
“You’ve never been to Pizza East?” I asked.
“No. You see? You’re constantly expanding my horizons.” He reached for my face and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear.
My mouth went dry. He really wanted this. I mean, I knew he did, he’d told me as much, but it hadn’t hit me until now how different our expectations were. My being here was all about hiding from my feelings for Luke, distracting myself from thoughts of him and Fiona. But Richard was all about me. I was being so unfair.
I looked away from him, watching the East End of London slip past. My stomach clenched at the prospect of our evening together.
“You know what you were saying the other night?” I looked out the window as I spoke.
“The other night? You mean about a second chance?”
A tightness formed across my forehead.
“I’m not pushing you,” he said.
Our feelings were clearly uneven, and I really didn’t want to lead him on. “I know. I just think . . . we make more sense as friends. I like hanging out with you, but not as anything more.”
“I said I’m not pushing you.” He moved to let someone pass and placed his hand on my waist as he stepped closer to me. Anyone watching us would assume we were a couple.
“I know. I just want to be clear. I don’t want to lead you on or—”
“You’re not leading me on. We’re hanging out. Seeing how things go.” This wasn’t a conversation to have on a bus, but he obviously hoped our relationship would progress, and it wasn’t fair to him letting him think so.
“Richard, I can’t—”
“Shhh.” He placed a finger on my lips as his eyes fixed on mine. “Let’s just have a nice evening. Yes?”
I nodded. What else could I do?
“So when do you hear about business school?” Clearly the subject about our friendship was off the table. For now.
“Next week, I expect.”
“You’ll get in, no problem.” He smiled.
“You think? I thought you wouldn’t approve.”
“What made you think that?”
I shrugged. I couldn’t remember if Richard had actually said something about the MBA being a bad idea, or whether it was just the stuff he’d said about me being a stay-at-home mom.
“It’s a lot of work. I had a mate who did it.”
“It is. I don’t think I’ll have much of a chance for a personal life if I get accepted
, what with working and everything.”
When Richard didn’t respond straight away, I looked up to find him staring at me intently.
“You could go part-time. Just while you’re on the course.”
“Are you crazy? I can’t afford to go part-time.”
His chest rose and he spoke just louder than a whisper. “Well, you never know how things will go in the next couple of months. By the time you start, we may be . . . even better friends . . . and you could move in with me and save on rent. I’m not rushing you, but think about it. It might make it easier for you.”
Several times, I opened my mouth to speak but nothing came out. I was literally speechless.
It was if the sky cracked open at that moment, and his invitation suddenly brought me totally clarity. Richard was sweet, kind and generous, and if I couldn’t fall for him, I’d rather be on my own than be with anyone other than Luke.
Anyone was a compromise I wasn’t prepared to make.
Luke
The restaurant was quieter than I’d expected for a Saturday. Probably because it was in the city. Somehow, the lack of noise put more pressure on me to speak.
“You look lovely,” I said to Fiona. She wore pink, which made her eyes look bluer than I’d noticed before.
“Thanks. You look nice too. Your face seems more . . . tan, if that’s possible in this weather.”
“Oh, it must be the fake stuff I’m using.” I grinned at her.
“Really?” She looked shocked.
I smiled. “No, I’m not really a fake tan kind of guy.”
She laughed. “Thank God.”
Though we’d been hanging out a lot in between times, running and grabbing lunch at work on some days, tonight was my fourth official date with Fiona. Up until this evening, we’d not really done anything other than kiss. I was happy with that, but when I dropped her off last weekend, she’d invited me in. I’d panicked and made up an excuse. I needed to be more prepared this time.
“Do you want to get another bottle of red?” I asked. We were at a casual Italian place near my flat, and we’d already drunk one bottle. Was she as nervous as I was? Presumably she had also considered sleeping together tonight.
“Sure. I guess we don’t have to drink it all.”
“They have the most incredible desserts here.” We’d finished our main courses, and I wasn’t exactly putting off the short walk back to either hers or mine—we lived just a few blocks from each other—but a little more time before we went anywhere wouldn’t be the worst thing. I was nervous. I wasn’t sure I wanted to sleep with her. I liked her, and she was attractive. Before Ashleigh, I would have been thinking about how to get her into bed, because I hadn’t known better. Now I did. I didn’t long to touch Fiona, be close to her.
As if on cue, the waiter arrived with the dessert menus, and we ordered wine and pudding. Coffee could come after that.
“This is my last drink until the race,” Fiona said.
“Really? You totally give it up.” Having work and triathlons in common meant that although I felt pressured to speak, there was never a lack of interesting conversation. Emma and I hadn’t often gone out one on one, but when we had, we’d ended up talking about her friends and what they were doing. It had filled the silence, but I wasn’t really interested. Fiona and I were a good fit in many ways, and much less complicated than Ashleigh and I.
“Yup, for a month before. It’s like total rehab really. But then I go crazy after the race and live on chocolate and alcohol so it undoes all the good I’ve done.”
“I thought that was a normal diet for girls.”
Fiona rolled her eyes at the same time the waiter placed our enormous chocolate desserts in front of us and topped off our wine. I couldn’t help but chuckle.
“Point made, Mr. Daniels.”
“I’m not saying anything. But you are going to love this.” I pointed at my plate with my fork. “I can’t believe you’ve never tried this place. It’s so close to you.”
“I guess I don’t normally hang out around here. But it’s fun. Maybe we’ll come again.”
I smiled at her. It was fun.
As we left the restaurant, we headed in the direction of Fiona’s flat without any discussion.
I dug my hands into my pockets, and Fiona linked her arm through mine and leaned into me. I liked that she felt comfortable enough to do that. “Do you have a busy day tomorrow?” I asked. It was an inane question, but I didn’t like awkward silences.
“Hmmm, not really. I’ll do some training but nothing other than that. Do you have dinner with your sister?”
“Yeah. She’s pregnant, did I say?”
“You told me. You looking forward to being an uncle?”
I grinned. Better that than becoming a father. “I’m going to spoil the kid rotten.” My stomach rolled over as we began the walk down her street. Sex with someone new was always nerve-racking. Except it hadn’t been with Ashleigh, perhaps because we’d known each other for so long. That, and we’d been drunk the first time.
She released my arm and dug about in her bag to retrieve her keys. “You want to come in?”
“Sure.” I swallowed. This was it. I was going in. I followed her straight into the living room.
“Can I get you a coffee? Or more wine?” She smoothed her hand over my chest.
“Wine would be good, actually, if you have anything open.” I looked around and took in her apartment. “How long have you been here?” It looked like it was a rented place. The furniture and decoration didn’t reflect who she was, and there didn’t seem to be the details I was used to seeing in Haven’s and Ash’s apartments.
“Nearly two years. It’s rented. I wasn’t sure where I wanted to be when I split from James. I’ve been so busy; I’ve just stayed.” She came back into the living room with two glasses of wine. We hovered in front of the sofa before taking a seat next to each other.
“You okay?” she asked. Perhaps I looked pale.
“Yeah, good, you?” My heart was thudding against my breastbone and the weight of expectation lingered between us. She handed me a glass, linked our free hands together and smiled at me. I squeezed her hand and rubbed my thumb over her knuckles. I needed to stop being a pussy and kiss her. “You look really pretty.” I meant it. She was a gorgeous girl, and her kindness made it all the more true.
I took her glass and placed our wine on the table. I cupped her face and leaned into her, pressing my lips against hers. Immediately she moaned, opening her mouth, leading me forward. I slid my tongue across her bottom lip. She was warm and open and really wanted this. Her hands pushed up my chest and fiddled with the top button of my shirt. An image of Ashleigh flashed into my mind. She’d done the same thing the night of the awards ceremony. I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to get rid of the thought of her.
I rose up on my knees and gently moved Fiona to her back, and crawled over her. Her legs parted as I fit myself between her thighs. I held her waist with one hand. I tried to remember whether or not Ashleigh had felt like this under me, then realized that was the last thing I should be thinking about.
Fiona’s fingers were at my shirt again, and she started to undo the buttons, stroking the exposed skin as she went. I delved deeper into her mouth, pushing my tongue against hers, my hand still at her waist, wondering if I should be moving higher or lower.
With my shirt undone, Fiona’s attention turned to my belt buckle, and the reality of the situation crashed around me. When she sensed the tension in my body, her fingers stilled. I pushed up on my knees, then turned and sat down. “I’m sorry,” I said.
She sat up on her elbows. “God, no. I’m sorry. Was I moving too fast?”
I scrubbed my hands down my face and stood. “No, this is . . . It’s me. I’m . . .”
She swung her legs round. I could feel her looking at me.
“I thought . . .” she started.
“Yeah, I did and then . . . Crap. I’m so sorry; I can’t do this.” She was a
lovely girl. Pretty, funny, good company.
She just wasn’t Ashleigh.
Ashleigh was the only person I wanted touching me. Ashleigh was the only person I wanted underneath me. I wasn’t ready to be moving on to anything else, wasn’t ready to settle for someone who wasn’t her. I wasn’t sure I ever would be.
“This?” she asked me. “Is it too fast?”
“God, Fiona, I’m really, really sorry.” I turned to face her. “You’re a lovely girl. Really. I like you. I just don’t think this,” I said, indicating between us, “is right, for me. I think I’m not over things with . . .”
“Emma.”
I didn’t correct her, but she couldn’t have been more wrong. I hadn’t been in love with Emma all these years. “I don’t know what to say. I shouldn’t have . . . I thought—”
“Don’t. Maybe I pushed. I liked you and I wanted you to like me as much.”
The last thing I wanted was for her to blame herself. “I do like you; you’re great. Really, you are. This is just me. I think I need to work out what I want.” I wasn’t being truthful. Being with Fiona, who was so right for me in so many ways, just showed me how Ashleigh was perfect for me. It was more complicated and we had way more to lose, but Ashleigh was worth it.
“Is it too soon? Do we just need to slow down?” she asked.
It would be easier if I said yes. But I couldn’t lie to her.
“I’m sorry. I just don’t think this is going to work. But I don’t want you to think it’s anything to do with you.”
She stood and forced a smile. “It’s not you, it’s me?” She lifted an eyebrow. I shook my head. It sounded like an excuse, but it was true.
“I’m sorry.” I couldn’t say it often enough, and I meant it every time. “I wanted this to work. I mean it should work. I like you; I really do. I’m just in love with someone else, and I’m not ready to give up on that. I’m really sorry.”
“Don’t be.” Her gaze was fixed to the floor, more disappointed than angry. I wished I’d got to where I was earlier, without hurting her.
“Can we still be friends?” I really enjoyed her company, and I’d liked getting to know someone new. As I got older, I’d retreated into old habits and friendships. I hadn’t realized how much until I’d started hanging out with Fiona and training for the triathlon. “I really like you. Honestly. And I’ve really enjoyed the time we’ve spent together. You’ve helped me see more of the world. I don’t want to lose that.”