by Rye Brewer
And there it was. What I had dreaded but knew was on its way all along. It was a choice I made, wasn’t it? To lie for Fane. “I have to get her a bottle,” I announced, going to the kitchen instead of getting deeper into a fight.
He followed me. “You owe me more than this.”
I pulled a bottle from the refrigerator. “More than what?”
“More than lying to me.”
“I did not lie. Don’t accuse me of something I didn’t do.”
“It was a lie of omission.”
It wasn’t easy, verbally sparring with him while trying to recall how Mom took care of Sara when she was an infant. The formula couldn’t be cold, could it? I’d have to warm it somehow, maybe under a hot tap. “Be as angry as you want about this, but it doesn’t make what you’re saying the truth. Your father ordered me not to say a word.”
“He ordered you?” Jonah scoffed. “Since when do you follow his orders?”
I turned my head away from the sink, staring at him. “Since when do I follow yours?”
He flinched. “I never said you did. You’re twisting my words around.”
“Am I?” I tested the bottle before inserting the rubber nipple into the baby’s mouth. She latched on quickly, almost greedily. “It doesn’t matter or change anything. I followed his wishes. There. Does that sound better?”
“Don’t do that.”
“Then don’t presume to tell me what I must or mustn’t tell you,” I snapped. “I used my discretion. I’m sorry if that’s such a problem for you. He didn’t want me to tell you because it would’ve meant telling you the entire story. Scott wasn’t exaggerating. Fane had only moments left. Moments. It was…”
It was too much, was what it was. All of it. The sick rush of memory, the helplessness. Watching him slip away. Knowing Jonah would lose him again, because he had fought to free me and Scott.
“Do you remember what it was like in there?” I tipped my head in the general direction of the bedroom. We hadn’t heard a sound coming from inside yet. I wondered if that boded well or not. “Weren’t there moments when you felt responsible to Sirene? For her? And to Fane, as well? Like you had to save her for his sake? And the baby’s? And do you remember how helpless and frustrated and sick it made you feel when she started to slip out of consciousness, and neither of us knew whether it meant she was about to die? Weren’t there at least a few times when you told yourself you’d do anything to keep her alive?”
He didn’t need to answer, and the expression on his face told me I didn’t need to go on. He understood. When he spoke again, his voice was softer than before. “And the necromancer did it to him? Fane mentioned the name upstairs. Elazar.”
“Yes. He tricked Scott; but Scott was desperate, too. Frantic, panicking. Your father was dying in front of us. What else was he supposed to do when someone approached and offered to save him?”
“He should’ve been smarter.”
“Jonah, stop being so stubborn for once,” I snapped, not caring if the baby fussed or not. “I swear, you’re all alike. All of you. You got on Scott’s case just a few minutes ago for being so hardheaded, didn’t you? And now, you do the same thing. If you’re not willing to put yourself in his shoes, I’ll do it for you.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean you would’ve agreed if it meant saving your father. No matter how much discomfort or misunderstanding is still between you, you would’ve agreed to Elazar’s terms. You might have asked him what those terms were before sending your father off with him, but you would’ve agreed. If you hadn’t, and he had died, you would have blamed yourself. You would’ve asked yourself for the rest of your life if you should’ve chosen differently. And you wouldn’t have been able to face your brothers and sister because of it.”
I sounded harsh, cold, even to my own ears, but he needed to hear it. His face went blank as he let my words sink in, while I held my breath in the hope he’d come around.
In the blink of an eye, his features hardened again. “You know something? That doesn’t matter right now. That’s not even the subject at hand. The subject is you are continually leaving me out of important matters.”
“Such as?” I rolled my eyes and sighed.
“Besides this, you mean? Let’s talk about Ressenden. You killed him, but you never bothered to mention even wounding him.”
“It was self-defense. Should we discuss everything the two of us have done in self-defense? Because I’m sure you’d have a few stories to tell, as well. But I’ve learned already it’s a fool’s errand, going after the absolute truth. What is that, anyway? Our lives aren’t simple. I can’t sit down at the end of every day and recite a journal entry for you, and I don’t expect you to do the same for me. As it is, I don’t even think you and I were together when I threw that blade at Ressenden. It’s all a blur at this point.”
“All right. That’s true. If we weren’t together at that time, I can see how I didn’t know. Going forward, I would appreciate a little truth. I don’t like being the last to know about things that are important. And Fane is important. What happened to him is important.”
I opened my mouth to sling another argument his way but knew at the last second it was no use. My shoulders sagged. “I’m so tired of fighting about this same issue again and again, Jonah. If you have a problem with Fane not wanting you or anyone else to know before he was ready for you to know, take it up with him. I can’t do this anymore.”
The creak of the bedroom door opening sent us both out of the kitchen.
As Fane stepped out of the room, his eyes immediately swept the area, looking for his daughter. He might not even have known he was doing it.
“Here.” I offered her to him. “How is she?”
“She’ll be all right.” He exhaled. “She’ll be all right. Branwen…” He shrugged. “Sirene will live.”
The last of the tension I’d been holding in my body dissolved, and I found myself leaning against him for a moment while I took hold of myself. She would live. Her baby would have a mother’s protection. I hadn’t known how deeply afraid I’d been for the poor child until that very second.
“It’s all because of you two,” Fane continued, turning toward Jonah. “She never could’ve gotten through it alone, and you took excellent care of her. I could never thank you enough. You don’t know how remarkable it is that she made it through. It wasn’t supposed to happen. It’s rare that it did.”
I couldn’t help but wonder why that was. Yes, the birth had been brutal, but many were. Was it simply because the women giving birth to hybrids were so often left alone? Or did she happen to be stronger than most? Was there some type of chemistry I didn’t understand?
“I’m so glad. We both are.” I glanced at Jonah, who nodded. He was still angry with me—I knew better than to expect him to get over things quickly—but he was as happy as I was, too. Baby Elena would have her mother. She had a fighting chance.
Scott was still on the far side of the apartment, staring out the window. He hadn’t moved, not even when Fane made his announcement. Fane saw him there, and a bit of the light left his eyes.
“At least it’s possible for me to have a relationship with one of my sons,” he murmured. “It’s possible.”
Was it? I wouldn’t have questioned him for the world, not when he was so hopeful, but I had my doubts. Jonah wanted his father’s love and guidance, something he didn’t have to explain for me to understand, but he still had doubts. There was still so much standing in their way.
Then, I remembered watching him feed Elena for the first time. His anxiousness, wondering if she was getting enough food. His caution with her. The way he looked at her. The way he’d fought alongside me to bring her into the world and keep her mother alive.
There was hope for him. For both of them. I had to believe it.
29
Jonah
Scott was still staring out the window when I went to him. A pang of guilt caught me as I did. I had forgotte
n all about him for so long. Too wrapped up in Anissa, Fane, the clan, and the league. He had Sara, I’d told myself, and the two of them could take care of each other.
I was wrong.
“Not impressed with the baby?” I muttered, standing beside him.
We didn’t face each other, but we rather looked out over the city. It was early morning, the specially treated windows allowing us the luxury of enjoying early morning sunlight. Granted, the color was off. Tinted darker than it naturally would’ve been. But it kept us unharmed.
“I’ve never been very impressed with babies in general,” he replied, sounding bored.
“What are you thinking about over here?”
“A lot of things.”
So that was the game we were playing. I would have to draw everything out of him—even then, I’d get a sentence at a time. I bit the side of my tongue to hold back a reminder of how busy I was, and how little time I had to waste with his childishness. That was the last thing he needed, and probably something I had yelled at Gage, once, some time ago. We all knew how well that had gone.
“Anissa told me what happened on Shadowsbane.” I reported this as casually as though I were commenting on the cloudy horizon, when, really, it looked as though a storm was on its way. Coming toward us.
My brother scoffed. “I know. I heard. You two aren’t exactly quiet when you start arguing.”
“I would’ve done the same thing.” I watched his reflection, gauging his reaction. “I just wanted to tell you that. You did what I would’ve done.”
His face remained blank, untouched. “You would’ve been smarter.”
“I don’t know about that. How can a person be smart when they’re watching their father die? It would’ve torn me apart.”
“Yes, well, I made my decision. And look where it got him. All that mattered to me at the moment was saving him. I never thought about what it might mean, how it might change him. I didn’t know who I was dealing with.”
“Is that what’s getting to you about this? It doesn’t seem to me he’s suffering in the least. He’s happy right now, Scott. Look at him.” I glanced over my shoulder, to where he was seated with the baby in his arms.
Anissa sat beside him, feet drawn up under her legs, explaining the feeding schedule we’d already set and how good a baby Elena seemed to be. How very unique.
My brother remained still. “I’d rather not.” Disgust was plain in his voice.
“Do you really mean to tell me that if someone had warned you what Elazar would do to save his life, you would’ve refused? Do you honestly mean that?”
His silence chilled me worse than any explanation could have.
There was no getting through to him. I was wasting my time. The last thing either of us needed was for me to drive a wedge between us by pressing him too hard. I had learned the hard way, with Gage, about the dangers of doing that.
“I’m going to leave,” he announced, still staring out over the skyline.
“Good idea. Go up, get some rest, feed. Maybe get a shower; you’ve been doing a lot of traveling,” I added with a chuckle, hoping to lighten the mood.
“I don’t mean leaving to go upstairs. I mean leaving for good. Or, at least, for a while.” He finally moved, turning his head just enough that our eyes met. Challenging me to forbid him?
That was my instinct, of course. To forbid him. I was head of the family, the clan, even interim leader of the league. As such, it was my responsibility to keep the members of my family in line. I had every right to insinuate myself in his business.
But that wasn’t really the case, and we both knew it. He was well past adulthood and could make his own choices.
“Where will you go?” I whispered, striving to keep our conversation private. I hadn’t guessed it would take the turn it had.
“I don’t know yet,” he admitted. “I mean, I have the entire world out in front of me. I could go just about anywhere there are those of our kind.”
“Is it because of Fane and the baby?” I wouldn’t call her by the name Sirene had given her. I wouldn’t twist the knife in his heart. It was difficult enough for me to think of her as Elena and remember my mother. While I recognized it as the kind, thoughtful gesture Sirene had intended it to be, I also recognized how easy it would be for my brother to misconstrue it.
He shook his head, frowning. “No. At least, not entirely. There’s so much more.”
“Like what? You can tell me. I want to help if I can.”
“I don’t know that there’s anyone who can help me but me,” he admitted, shrugging. “It sounds crazy. I know it does. But I talked to the necromancer. I know, I know,” he said, holding a hand up to stop me when my mouth fell open. “He didn’t give me advice, if that’s what you’re worried about.”
“What did he tell you?”
“He accused me of being sheltered. Of not knowing the world. He said Sara’s betrayal wouldn’t have hurt as deeply as it did if I had a little perspective, a little more experience. It got me thinking. What if he’s right? I’ve spent my entire life living with the family, within the clan. That’s all that’s ever existed for me.” His eyes darkened. “And you all kept things from me. You didn’t tell me he was alive, for one.”
“You’re right. We didn’t,” I agreed somberly.
“Why?”
“I don’t know why. I suppose… it was all so complicated, and the fewer of us who knew about it, the better.”
“Do you know how that made me feel? Like I didn’t matter.” He shrugged. “Well, maybe I didn’t. Not enough to be brought into the inner circle. I understand.”
“Don’t make it about that. It wasn’t personal.”
“It was to me. Again, though, it’s over. Now that there’s no war with the Carvers—not at the moment, with Marcus being locked up—I feel like there’s breathing room enough for me to get out. See some of what’s out there. Maybe have something for myself.”
Funny how even though I knew it would be wrong to argue his decision, the urge to keep him with us still pulled at me. He was my younger brother. It was in my blood to want to protect him. But he wasn’t a child, and he clearly needed to get some perspective on what was outside our clan. I was still embarrassed for him, remembering what Anissa told me he’d done on Shadowsbane. And what had been done to him as a result.
“I know better than to fight,” I murmured with a shrug. “I made that mistake with Gage and look where it got us. I won’t do that again.”
“Is that your way of telling me it’s all right to go? Because I wasn’t asking for permission.”
“And I’m not granting it,” I replied with a thin smile. “I’m merely letting you know you won’t face any opposition from me. Anything I can do to help you, I’m happy to do.”
“Thank you.” He glanced over in the direction of the sofa, where Fane was still wrapped around his daughter’s little finger.
I winced on his behalf, watching our father fall deeper in love with his new baby.
“I think I’ll be leaving soon. As in tonight. As soon as it’s safe to leave.”
“Understood.” I cleared my throat to get everyone’s attention, then stared pointedly at my brother. If he wanted to do what he was about to do, it was up to him to announce it.
After shooting me a dirty look, he said, “I just told Jonah I’ve decided to leave for a while. I don’t know how long. I don’t know where I’ll go. But I need to.”
Anissa’s eyes widened, and she gawped at me. But she seemed to understand. She should’ve by this point, having seen so much more than I had.
Fane, however, didn’t seem to. “Why would you do this, when you’re safe here?”
Scott raised his chin. “Not that I have to explain myself to you, but sometimes being safe isn’t all that matters. I’ve been safe for most of my life. Look where it’s gotten me. I wonder if anyone would’ve noticed I was gone if I hadn’t announced my leaving.”
“We would’ve noticed,” Anissa
assured him with a faint smile. “Scott, we would have.”
“That’s very nice of you to say, but you’ll excuse me if I have a hard time believing it.”
“Scott.” Fane handed the baby to Anissa before standing. “Please, be careful. Whatever you do, wherever you go, know that I’ll do anything in my power to help you. We have friends everywhere, throughout the various realms which comprise our world. One of them can get word to me if you’re in trouble. Please.” He took a chance and raised his hands, bringing them to Scott’s shoulders. “Please. Don’t let your pride get in the way. If you need my help, call on me. I’ll come running.”
Scott shifted in discomfort, clearly unimpressed by this. “You don’t…”
“I mean it.” His fingers tightened. “Son. I mean it.”
“All right,” Scott agreed. “I’ll keep that in mind. Thank you.” It was as close to a reconciliation as either of them were capable of, even if Scott couldn’t have gotten away from Fane fast enough.
“You’re leaving right away?” Anissa asked.
“Tonight, at sunset. I’ll have time to pack and get myself together.”
“And you’ll at least be able to say goodbye to Philippa,” she offered.
He only snorted. “If she’s not too busy with Vance. Which I’m sure she is. I doubt she would notice if I took off again. But I get it. She has something in her life. Somebody.”
Somebody. He didn’t even have that.
Anissa averted her eyes, obviously uncomfortable at the veiled reference to her sister. It was enough to make me wonder exactly what had changed in Sara’s heart. I found myself wanting to spend a few minutes with her. Maybe more than a few. She had destroyed my brother, something I didn’t take lightly.
He left without another word, without so much as a glance at our sister. I wished there was something I could say to make things right. To at least ease whatever weighed on his mind.