by Olivia Howe
Love, Nina
* * * *
My cell phone starts to ring, bringing me back to reality. I glance at the name, and it's Kali. Can she sense my emotional problems building up? I'm expecting to answer the phone and hear her ask me what's wrong. Kali always finds out everything, somehow.
“Hello,” I answer.
“It took you long enough to answer!” Kali replies.
“Sorry, I was,” I stutter. “I was doing something. What's up?”
“Whatever,” she says. She must know I'm lying. “I'm having a party tonight, and I want you to come. Before you answer, please know that I'm not asking you to come and get wasted. I want you to come so we can hang out. You don't have to drink at all,” Kali continues to ramble on.
I begin to block her voice out, as my mind wanders.
I should go to her party tonight. I should get all dressed up, look sexy, and drink away my broken heart. I have never drank alcohol before, but I guess there is a first time for everything. I won't be driving, I'll make sure of that! I need to get rid of these unknown emotions I feel inside of me.
“Why not,” I answer.
Kali goes silent. “Really? That was,” Kali falls quiet, as if she was caught off guard. “That was easier than I thought it would be,” she blurts out.
“I want to get wasted too,” I announce.
“Are you being serious or are you joking around with me?” Kali asks.
“I'm serious.”
“What's going on with you? What happened with Andrew?” Kali asks. I knew she would sense something is wrong.
“His ex-girlfriend Ora is in town. I found her half naked with him in his room,” I blurt out.
“Oh. My. God. Are you serious? That is so messed up! What a whore!” Kali yells.
“Tell me about it!”
“Let's forget about boys tonight. We will dance our asses off and get wasted! Deal?”
“Sounds good to me!”
* * * *
Digging through my clothes, I realize that I have nothing sexy to wear tonight. I look around my room, and it's completely destroyed. Clothes are everywhere. Now I know why Caroline's room was always a mess!
Caroline. I know for a fact that she has something sexy in her wardrobe.
I open Lynns' door and sadness sweeps over me. I miss her so much. I was hoping to open this door and see her face shining and smiling at me, as she ran around her room searching for something to wear tonight.
I ignore the feelings. I start searching through her clothes and find a beautiful dress.
I strip out of my sweatpants and over-sized shirt, and pull the dress over my slim body. It's a perfect fit.
The dress is completely black. It's shorter than I would prefer, ending at the tops of my thighs. I hope my ass doesn't show.
Looking in the mirror, the dress sticks to my body and shows off my curves. This is definitely a party dress. I look sexy. Now, I need some heels.
I search through Caroline's closet. She has so many shoes! It's ridiculous. It's like I'm at the mall searching through their shoe racks.
I notice a pink pair of heels. “Perfect,” I whisper to myself.
I slide my feet into the plain pink heels. I hope I can walk in these. They sure aren't wedges.
“You look beautiful,” I hear a voice say.
I look over and see my mom standing there with tears in her eyes. “I needed something to wear, and I knew Caroline must have something in here.”
“It's perfect,” Ali smiles.
“You think so? It's not too much?” I ask, as I examine myself in the mirror.
“You're going to a party, honey. It's perfect! Andrew is going to love seeing you in it!”
“I don't think Andrew's going to be there,” I admit.
“Why not? What happened? You know I don't want you going anywhere without him. It's not safe for you, baby,” Ali says with a worried look on her face.
“It's a long story, and I don't want to talk about it. I'm just going to a party. I will be fine.”
“Nina, I don't want you going unless someone is going to be there to protect you,” Ali says.
“Well, I'm not having Andrew come with me!” I yell.
“Nina,” Ali says calmly.
“I'll be fine, mom!” I yell as I walk out of the room and make my way to my car.
* * * *
I pull up to Kali's cabin in Charlotte, and see lines of cars down the road. I continue to drive my Saab down the rocky, dirt road. I'm searching for a parking spot, and I can't find one.
My phone starts to ring and I check who's calling. Andrew. I press ignore. I don't want to talk to him tonight. I just want to have a good time. I hope my mom didn't call him.
“Finally,” I whisper to myself. I find a parking spot, and it's close to the cabin.
I leave my phone in the car and get out. I make my way to the cabin, toward the loud music.
“I don't care, I love it!” I hear Kali singing to “I Love It” by Icona Pop. “Nini!” Kali yells as she grabs a red cup. I'm guessing that's for me. “Here's your pretty red cup! Drink up, best friend!” Kali yells.
I laugh at her and take the cup. Looking inside, I see it's filled with beer. I take a deep breath and smile. This is going to help me. I start drinking, and I don't stop until it's empty.
Everyone outside, including Kali, is watching me drink it down. “WOO!” Everyone screams.
“We're going to get wasty pants tonight!” Kali says as she stumbles. I think she is already drunk.
I smile at her, and I feel the need to drink more. “Let's take some shots!” Kali screams. She read my mind.
Kali pulls me inside, and the song changes to “You Oughta Know” by Alanis Morissette.
Kali is singing as she drags me to the kitchen. Everyone is playing beer pong, screaming, laughing, and just having a good time, with not a care in the world.
“Ready for whiskey shots?” Kali asks me.
“What? Whiskey?” I ask in shock.
She hands me a shot glass full of whiskey, and another cup full of soda. “Whiskey first, and then drink the chaser. Ready?” Kali smiles.
“Sure! Let's do it!” I smile back at her.
She shakes her head and we both take one big gulp of whiskey. I let it slide right down my throat, as it starts to burn. I quickly take the chaser, and keep drinking it to get the nasty taste out of my mouth. My stomach begins to feel warm, and I feel lightheaded.
“EWW!” I yell. “That was so gross!”
Kali scrunches up her nose and laughs. “I know, right! But, you get completely wasted! Let's take another shot and then go dance!” Kali yells over the music.
I take a deep breath and laugh. “Fine with me!”
Tonight is about not giving a damn about anything. I just don't give a shit right now. I want to drink away my broken heart.
Kali hands me a shot glass filled with whiskey. I cringe. This is such a disgusting taste.
“Ready?” Kali smiles.
“Obviously,” I smile back.
She shakes her head and we take the shot and chase it with Coca Cola.
“Lights” by Ellie Goulding comes on. It's loud and the beat is something I could definitely enjoy dancing to.
“Let's dance!” I yell over the music.
“I like this side of you! Let's go!” Kali yells back.
We make our way into the living room, which has been transformed into a dance floor. I start moving my body to the beat. There is a strobe light blinking, and red and green lights in the dark room. It fits perfect with this song.
My smile is permanently on my face, and my body feels nice and warm. I'm definitely starting to feel drunk.
I move my hands down my body as it moves to the beat.
Kali grabs my hands and we start dancing together. She is smiling from ear to ear. “This is so much fun!”
“I know!” I laugh.
We keep dancing until the song ends. I'm covered in sweat from ju
mping up and down.
“Let's take two more shots!” Kali yells.
I already feel drunk. I don't want to have my head in the toilet the rest of the night.
“I'm down!” I yell back to her. The words slip out of my mouth.
She grabs my hand and drags me into the kitchen.
We take two more shots, and I feel my body heating up more and more.
“You want to play beer pong?” Kali ask. I can tell she is having a blast. Especially with me by her side.
“I don't think I could make it into any of the cups right now. I'm starting to feel drunk,” I laugh. “I want to go dance some more!”
“Ok, bestest friend!” Kali yells. “Let's go dance our asses off some more!”
I stumble my way to the living room. I feel like nothing matters right now. I don't have a care in the world. All of my emotions disappeared.
I start dancing to “I Love It” by Icona Pop. Kali decided to replay it. She loves this song.
I feel myself getting dizzy. Kali and I are all over the dance floor. I can't see straight, but I keep dancing.
Kali hands me another shot of whiskey. I swig it down without a chaser. That's a big mistake. My mouth tastes disgusting.
I keep dancing for a few more minutes. I'm getting dizzier as I continue. I need to sit down.
I find myself stumbling to the couch and plop down. I lay my head on the arm rest. I don't feel so well.
“I Need Your Love” by Calvin Harris comes on and Kali is begging me to dance. I shake my head. “I can't. I'm way too dizzy!” I yell over the music.
I feel someone begin to tap on my shoulder. “I'm not dancing, Kali!”
“What the hell are you doing, Nina?” I hear a familiar voice say.
I pick up my head and squint my eyes. It's Andrew. “What the hell do you want? Leave me alone!” I begin to burst into tears. “Just leave me alone!”
“You're drunk. Let's go! I will take you home!” Andrew yells.
“NO!” I yell back. “I'm staying right here. I'm not going anywhere with you! I hate you right now! Just get out!”
“Nina, how much did you drink?” Andrew asks.
“Whiskey!” I answer.
“I didn't ask you what you drank. I asked you how much have you drank!” Andrew continues to yell, because the music is so loud.
“Whiskey!” I yell back.
“Let's go! I'm taking you home!”
My bed would be so comfortable right now. I feel sick to my stomach. “Fine!”
I try to get myself off of the couch, but it's just so hard. I can't see straight. The room starts to spin.
“I got you!” Andrew says. “Come on, baby. I'll pick you up. I got you, my love.”
I rest my head on him as we walk outside. The fresh air hits me in the face and it feels good. My body was so heated up inside. I thought I was going to faint and throw up, all at the same time.
As we walk down the dirt road, my eyes are closed and Andrew holds me up. We are both silent.
“Why would you get drunk, Nina? That is so unlike you! Is it because of Ora?” Andrew hounds me with questions.
I ignore him because I can't think right now. I couldn't even tell him my full name. I am completely oblivious to everything around me.
“You are completely out of control tonight!” Andrew adds in.
“I think I'm going to puke,” I announces as I throw myself to the ground and start throwing up everything that was in my stomach.
“Let it all out, baby. You will feel so much better,” Andrew comforts me, and starts to rub my back.
I begin crying. Tears are running down my face, I can't control them. “I love you, Andrew. I love you so much. Why? Why? Why?”
“Why what, baby?” Andrew asks.
“Why would you do that with Ora? Why, Andrew?” I continue to bawl my eyes out.
“My love, I didn't do anything with her. I would never do that to you. She forced herself on me. I love you, and only you!” Andrew replies.
“No! You don't love me!” I yell.
“Let's talk about this tomorrow. You're drunk, and you have no idea what you're saying.”
“I want to talk right now!” I yell.
“Nina, you won't remember any of this in the morning. Let's get you home,” Andrew demands.
“Whatever,” I continue to cry. He lifts me off the ground and cradles me in his arms like a baby.
“I love you, Nina. You're the one I want to be with. You're my forever, not Ora.”
“I love you, Andrew,” I cry as I drift off into unconsciousness. “Always and Forever.”
* * * *
I open my eyes and I'm laying in my bed. How did I get here? What the hell happened? What time is it? I look up and see Andrew sitting on the end of my bed. It looks like he's thinking. What is he thinking about? It doesn't look like happy thoughts.
Andrew looks over at me. “Here,” he hands me a glass of water. “You need to drink this.”
“Thank you,” I say as I grab the glass from his hand. “What time is it?”
“It's like six in the morning,” Andrew answers.
“You should get some sleep. I'm fine.”
“Why, Nina? Why did you go out and get drunk?” Andrew gets right to the point.
I look at him. “Honestly, I needed a distration. I needed something to take away the pain. I thought about cutting myself, but I knew I couldn't relapse again. I would be so ashamed in myself. So, I decided to drink instead. I needed something to mend my crazy emotions.”
“I want you to know that I didn't do anything with Ora. I don't think of her in that way. She tried to seduce me. Key word is tried,” Andrew looks me in my eyes. “I could never replace you with Ora. No one could ever replace you, Nina. I love you and only you.”
I sit speechless. Should I feel sorry for him? Should I believe him? I don't know what to do.
“Get some rest. You definitely need it, my love. I will call you later on this afternoon,” Andrew says as he gets up off my bed and comes over toward me. He kisses my forehead and stares deep into my eyes. “I love you. Always and forever.”
Andrew makes his way to the door, and before he closes it, he looks at me. His face is full of love, like I'm the only one for him.
I feel a tear fall from my eye.
I instantly get up and grab my headphones. I plug them into my phone and search for a song to fall asleep to.
“Satellite Call” by Sara Bareilles pops up. I play it, and feel the tears fall from both of my eyes.
Chapter 12
Only You
Dear Diary,
What happened last night? I remember bits and pieces, but I know I was completely out of control. Why did I even decide to drink? That's not like me. I'm not that type of girl.
Some days I'll wake up and depression will grab a hold of me, and pull me under. The next day I'll wake up and either depression will take over me, or I'll fight it off and get on with my day. That's how it works. You don't just fight off depression once or twice and it goes away forever. It feels like a constant struggle. With depression, all you can do is hold on and stay strong. That's how it works.
Today is the day where depression will take over, and I don't have the strength to fight it off.
Love, Nina
* * * *
My head is pounding. My mouth is dry. I feel nauseous. Why did I have to put that poison into my body? All I crave is water. I need water. I want to soak myself with a gallon of water. I look on my night stand, and there it is. Water.
I grab it, and chug it down as fast as I can. I've never been so grateful to have water before in my life.
I will never drink again.
Andrew's name pops into my mind. I must have made a complete fool of myself last night. I actually know, for a fact, that I did.
I don't think Andrew would intentionally do something with Ora. I know that he wouldn't do something like that to me. I know he loves me with all of his being. May
be I jumped to conclusions. I don't want to get hurt; I'm so scared of losing my happiness. He has to understand that.
Should I believe him, or should I stop before I get my heart ripped out completely?
Option one: leave him before I get my heart broken. This option feels impossible because, no matter what, he has to be in my life to protect me. It's his duty. I love him too much to give up on him. I would never forgive myself. I would never recover from that loss.
Option two: believe him. Should I believe that he didn't do anything with Ora? Would it be the right thing to do after what I saw?
I think back to that day. The day I walked in on Andrew and Ora.
I remember dropping my water bottle on the ground at the sight of Ora in her black bra and panties. Her body was pressed up against Andrew's, with her hands wrapped around his waist. Their eyes were connected onto each other's. Andrew's face looked angry. He had his hands on her shoulders. Was he trying to push her away? Ora could be older, making her stronger than him. She was seducing him with force.
Oh shit. Maybe he was telling me the truth. I need to go talk to him.
* * * *
I walk into Andrew's house without knocking. I'm in too much of a hurry to see him. I make my way to the living room to check to see if he's silently watching the flames in the fireplace.
My eyes go wide. I shake my head. Ora's here, and she's sitting right next to Andrew. “What the hell, Andrew?”
“Nina!” Andrew walks toward me. “Before you question what's going on, I was talking to Ora, and telling her that she needs to find somewhere else to stay.” Andrew looks over at Ora. “Actually, she was just leaving.”
Ora glares at us and runs out of the house in an instant.
I shake my head and start walking back toward the front door to leave.
“Nina,” Andrew shouts to me. I ignore him and continue to walk toward the door. “Please talk to me.”
Blinking away tears, I turn around and face him. “What the hell do you want, Andrew? What?” I scream. Tears are blurring my vision.