“It’s okay.” She embraced me more firmly. “You’re here now. I’m here.”
I nodded, tucking my head onto her shoulder. Horrendous circumstances may have led us to each other, but I was so lucky to have found her. It had been such serendipity that we were at the physical therapy facility at the same day and time. The instant I met her I felt as though I’d known her my whole life.
I swallowed back the grief buried deep inside me afraid if I started to let it out, it might never stop. I stepped back, wiping at my eyes and nose, gulping back the years of anguish I had stuffed away. “How is he?”
“We haven’t heard anything since we talked.” Jayme’s shoulders sagged as she sponged at her eyes.
I bit down on my lip, gazing past Whiskey, my eyes connecting with Hunter. He got up stiffly, limping slightly. His damaged leg would always expose the horrors he had been through. Twice.
“Hey.” He wrapped me up in a huge bear hug and I sighed deeply. For a moment he made me feel safe. Warm. Protected.
Chris had the same kind of hug. When he held you, the entire world disappeared, and nothing felt like it could touch you in his arms.
My dad had been like that too.
It was something subconsciously I ran both to and from with Tarzan. I longed for it, but at the same time I feared that happy, safe place could be taken from me.
And that fear was now a real possibility.
Jones and Doug delivered hugs, while Megan gave me a tight smile and nod, her eyes soft, almost apologetic, if that was possible from her. I nodded back, realizing that now her little moment with Chris meant zilch to me. With his life on the line, everything else felt pointless and stupid. There had been nothing between them. I sensed it from the moment I saw them together, but I had used it as another reason to keep Chris at arm’s length. To protect myself, while I tried to hurt him any way I could. I only hurt myself.
I dropped my duffel bag and sat next to Jayme, quiet and staring at the doors of the ICU. It felt all too familiar. Not only had this group been here too often in the last couple of years, but I could have stepped back in time to an almost identical scene. Only then my dad’s life had been hanging in the balance, and I’d been holding my mother’s hand instead of Jayme’s.
Minutes ticked by in which I chewed at my nails and twisted my rings until my fingers started to blister.
“How’s Emlyn?” I asked Megan, needing to distract from the anxiety in my chest.
“Uh.” Megan looked taken aback by my sudden question and interest. “Krista thought they would be able to bring her home soon, but Emlyn had a setback the other night.”
“Oh shit,” I blurted. “I’m sorry. Is she okay?” That little girl was about as sweet and cute as her older brother.
“She’s stable. But the doctors are keeping a close eye on her. Krista is staying with her.” Megan rubbed her forehead, pain slashed across her face. I had spent so much time not liking her, I forgot how much this had to affect her too. Krista was her best friend, plus Megan was Emlyn’s godmother. “I’m going to check on them later. But I wanted...” She sniffed. “To see if we heard anything here first.”
I pinched my lips together, watching her blink back tears. Jones pulled her into him, and Megan fitted her head on his shoulder as he whispered something in her ear, her head nodding, her hand taking his.
All that stupid dislike of her dissipated. Ironically, Megan and I were probably more alike than not. We hid behind walls, keeping the ones we loved at bay. I could see the way Jones looked at her…how he was probably the only one she truly let her guard down with.
We all fell silent, the heaviness of the situation gagging us. Minutes ticked by with eternal slowness. After a while I gave up and started pacing the room. The minutes evolved into hours. Hours of jumping every time the doors slid open, tension knotting in my gut and shoulders like tangled fishing line.
It was late afternoon before the doors finally slid open for us, all of us jerking as Dr. Levine stepped out. I rose from the chair as if filled with air. His gaze was on a clipboard, but drifted up, falling on me with familiarity.
“Ms. Colvin.” He stepped toward our group.
“How is he?” Hunter bolted from his seat, the rest of them following suit.
“I will be frank.” He rocked back on his heels, exhaling through his nose. Panic dropped into my veins like acid. “We almost lost him on the table.”
“Oh god.” Jayme grabbed Hunter. Other comments and noises sounded round me, but I felt myself almost step out of my body, going numb.
“Right now he’s being kept alive by the machines.” Dr. Levine shifted on his feet. “We are still hoping the swelling will go down and he will start breathing on his own.”
A strangled noise rose from my throat, sounding like a wounded animal.
“It will be a few more hours before we know anything. He’s a strong, stubborn young man. If anyone has a chance, it’s him, but I want you all to be prepared.” Dr. Levine stressed the last word, the reality ripping out what was left of my heart. “I’m sorry.” He turned, vanishing behind the doors.
Nothing made sense to me; the world felt foreign and wrong.
Whiskey pulled me into her and Hunter, her tears echoing mine. The room closed in around me. Strangling me. Blinding me. Killing me.
Run. Stevie. Run.
“Stevie!” I heard my name being called as I broke free from my friends and ran. It almost seemed as though I was watching myself though a movie, sprinting down the hall, my lungs grappling for oxygen. A kaleidoscope of figures moved around me, twisted in every direction, my vision splintering. I saw daylight stream in through windows, and I proceeded toward it, bursting through doors to the outside into some little courtyard, where I gasped for air. Thick humidity choked my throat, like a fuck you, spinning my head.
Anger rose like a cyclone. Rage at the universe for what had happened to us. The loss and pain Chris had gone through to end up there himself. For Jaymerson, Hunter, and what Krista was going through. The unfairness of what life had dealt our group sent fury through my bones.
“Fuck you!” I screamed at the sunshine that mocked me by shining so brightly. At the universe. “What? You haven’t taken enough from our entire group? From me? You have to take him as well?” Picking up the closest thing to me, I smashed a potted flower against the wall of the outdoor break area, causing people to leap up from their seats in my periphery. “Why?” I picked up another one and hurled it, the ceramic and dirt splintering over the ground. “Because I admitted I loved him? That was it, huh? Any bit of happiness has to be broken out of me, but you sure as hell make certain I live to suffer it all? Well, you win! You took it all!” The words purged from my mouth, my brain no longer attached.
Hate devoured me as I flung more objects at the wall.
“Miss! Miss, you have to stop!” Voices tried to reach me, but I brushed them off as if they were bugs. Anger infected me like a disease, my limbs shaking with frenzy.
“You took my father! Then my soul. You broke me, crushed anything good out of me…but still it wasn’t enough.” The wail throbbed my head. “Please…” I dropped the item in my hand, my back curving over, sobs slipping through the rage. “Please don’t take him. Please…” My knees hit the pavement as I bent over. A sob hiccupped up my throat as I curled into myself, my nails digging at the cement as though I was being entombed alive.
How was I here again? Losing another person I loved. I had only finally admitted it to myself and now he was going to be taken from me. Maybe I was the black plague, killing everything I touched. The night of the assault my thoughts had spun in a similar way, the dark voices in my head whispering at me, taunting me. I thought I had grown stronger, but the demons deep inside chomped at me until they broke me…until I agreed with them.
They were back, feasting on my pain.
Worthless. End it.
Insignificant. End it.
You’re nothing. And everything is meaningless now.<
br />
Heart-wrenching wails dotted my flesh with goosebumps, and it took me a while to realize they were mine. I rocked over myself, choking on my anguish, my chest splitting in twisted broken pieces. I hoped for the ground to turn into quicksand and suck me under.
Pain. It was too much.
Footsteps coiled around me, and I sensed security guards moving in. I didn’t care. I didn’t care about anything.”
“No! Leave her alone. I got her.” I heard a familiar voice order. “Stevie?” My friend was next to me, her knees hitting mine as her arms enveloped me, pressing her cheek into the back of my head. “I’m here. I’m here.”
Her compassionate nature only broke what was left. Wracking sobs violently shook me. The dam had broken.
The stockpile of pain ran over the patio, my soul cracking on the pavement like an egg. The pain felt endless, and all I wanted was to feel Chris’s arms around me, see his smile, hear his laugh.
Start our lives together. Not say goodbye to his.
“I’m gonna get some coffee. You want anything?” Jayme leaned in front of me.
I shook my head, unable to speak. I’d screamed and cried myself hoarse. After what felt like decades, my tears had finally ebbed. She cried with me, and when we walked back to the waiting room, we were nothing more than a pair of zombies.
Megan and Jones had gone to check on Krista. Doug left to deal with something at the garage. Hunter, Whiskey, and I sat in silence. I was nothing more than a husk of myself.
“I’ll be right back.” She squeezed my hand, and I vacantly watched her walk away.
Hunter sat in the chair one over from me, watching her leave as well. “This fucking isn’t right.” He tapped his fist on the armrest. “Not him. Don’t tell me life is ever kind or fair.”
I scoffed, agreeing with him.
“You know, don’t you?” Hunter peered at me. “About his mom?”
“Yeah.” My fried voice fractured on that one word. “He told me about his whole family.” I rubbed the back of my neck, peering over at him. How I still had liquid left inside me, I had no idea. “He has no one, Hunter.”
“He has us.” He reached for my hand. “He has you.”
A deriding scoff shook my head.
“He loves you, Stevie.”
“What?” My head snapped to Hunter. “Did he tell you that?”
“He didn’t have to.” He moved his hand back, giving me a small grin. “I know Chris. Known him a long time. He’s like a brother to me. And let me tell you, no girl made him so mad, irritated, and crazy as you did.”
A sharp chuckle leaped from my chest. “That I believe. I do that to most people though.”
“No, that tells me how bad he has it for you. Chris doesn’t get emotional about girls. Ever. And fuck if that didn’t annoy the crap out of girls who tried to be his girlfriend. They wanted so bad to be the one who changed him. Get some sort of reaction from him. But he never talked about anyone, not even the ones who he was supposedly “seeing” and definitely not for nearly two years after they hooked up.” Hunter tipped up his head, his eyebrows curving up. “Whatever happens, know you changed him. You were the one. From the night he met you.”
My teeth dug into my bottom lip, trying to hold back the fresh tears burning my throat.
“He changed me too.”
“I know.” He nodded.
“Hunter…” I stared at him, grief eclipsing my tongue, not letting the words out.
He reached his hand out for mine, and I grabbed it like a life preserver tossed to me. I moved into Jayme’s chair, letting my guard down for once, and curled against Hunter’s arm. It felt good to allow myself to lean on a friend. He rested his head against mine, both of us taking comfort from the only other person who knew Chris the best. Out of everyone here I knew Hunter understood how I felt the most. The loss of Chris would come close to killing us both. Hunter already lost his twin, but losing Chris, Jones, or Doug would destroy him. They were his chosen family.
“I think Chris would understand if my ass bumped his from first place,” Hunter muttered against my head. It was so inappropriate, dark, and completely twisted. It was just what I needed.
I started sniggering. Then laughing. Humor howled out of my belly, until I was snorting and hooting. Hunter chuckled next to me, both of us unable to stop, like our bodies needed it more than oxygen.
With my hand on my stomach, I wiped at the tears leaking from my eyes. Chris would have totally said something similar. Their sick sense of humor was just one reason why they got along so well. That fit me perfectly.
Whiskey strolled back in, watching us with a soft smile as she handed Hunter the extra cup she was carrying.
“You two finally lose it? Should I get the white jackets?”
“Possibly.” I nodded. “Your boyfriend is already contending for number one ass. He thinks with Chris out of the running, he has a shot.”
Whiskey shook her head. “You two are sick.”
“That’s why you love me.” He tugged her between his legs, gripping her waist.
“Totally debatable.” She shrugged. “But hey, when did I fall out of the running for hottest ass? Maybe I’ll be the underdog who comes in and steals it from both of you.”
“How about both you drop your pants and let me vote?” I lifted my arm. “I second this!”
“Wait. You can’t second your own idea.”
“Yes, I can.”
“No, you can’t.” Whiskey laughed. “Not how it works.”
“I just seconded it. So that’s how it works now. Sorry. Too late. Should have voted earlier.” We needed this, a moment of laughter, of fun otherwise misery would drown us. Plus, I knew Chris would only be egging this on.
“Ms. Colvin?” A male voice broke our little exchange, stopping the breath in my lungs, our heads turning to the man in nurse’s scrubs.
“Yes?” I stood, swallowing the knots that suddenly constricted my throat.
“Dr. Levine told me to come get you. You can see Chris now.”
“He’s awake?” Hope fizzed in my chest, lifting me up.
“No.” The nurse swallowed, his eyes darting to the floor.
This visit wasn’t going to be a happy one. Any ounce of joy I held a moment ago vanished into smoke.
“Why me? Why not them too?” My legs trembled.
“Only family is allowed right now.”
“Family?” My brows furrowed as I glanced at Hunter. If anyone was his family, it would be him.
“You’re his emergency contact.” The nurse looked down at his paperwork nervously. “Says here you are his next of kin. His wife…right?”
Shock froze me in place.
His wife? Why would he put that down?
“He wanted, no matter what, for you to be able to get to him,” Hunter mumbled in my ear. “He needs you, Stevie.”
Chris’s family were either dead or absent. Only a “wife” could see him; a girlfriend couldn’t.
“Fuck,” I exhaled. Jayme and Hunter squeezed my hand, giving me strength to move forward.
Fear thumped wildly inside me as I stepped through the doors. It felt like a final walk, as though I were walking to my own death.
I was here to say goodbye.
Chapter Twenty-Five
The nurse opened the door, letting me walk in first. I only made it a few feet before stopping like my shoes were glued to the floor.
“I’ll give you some time alone,” he said softly, shutting the door behind me, making me feel like I was locked in a room with no air. My heart twisted in my chest, and my lids filled with tears, staring at the form lying in the bed before me.
Tubes, needles, and machines encased him, all beeping and pumping to keep him alive. His frame was huge in the bed, but his pallid skin, his utter stillness, the huge wound carved into his shaved skull and stitched up, rendered a picture of death. A sexy Hollywood version of Frankenstein’s monster.
The love I felt for him crashed against the fear ra
diating through my bones. Déjà vu. My life set on repeat. It was just a different man I loved lying in the bed.
“Fuck you,” I whispered, tears slipping down my face. “How could you do this to me?” I didn’t care how selfish I sounded. He was the one leaving me. I had to handle life without him, not with him. “You had to roll the dice, didn’t you? Take the huge gamble on your life, you cocky asshole?” I inched closer, anger pushing through apprehension. “You should know our luck, Tarzan. Never bet against the house.” I slipped up to him, brushing the tears from my cheeks. I stared down at him, the hiss of the machine pumping air into his lungs scraping against my heart.
“Please.” A whimper shook my shoulder. I reached for his hand, slipping his limp fingers through mine. “Don’t leave. Not yet…” I swallowed, sitting down on the bed next to him. “I didn’t survive to lose you.” I reached up, touching his face. Hoping against all logic, his eyes would open, a smile tugging at his mouth. “You saw me from the beginning. I was just so petrified to let you in.
“You were right about me being scared to lose control. You were the only one to ever notice it.” I gulped back tears, staring at our hands. “I’m not just scared; I’ve been paralyzed. I think you already sensed why.” I took a deep inhale, the weight I’d been carrying still pushing down. “One night I lost not only control over my own body, but they took my soul too. My innocence. I know, it’s impossible to imagine me innocent or hopeful.” I covered my face in my hands to hold back the rush of grief. “Everything changed that night.” My head bowed, knowing I would not stop now I started. “After my dad died, I was lost. Looking for anything to hold on to. Jordy was perfect in my eyes. The tortured artist. We had so much in common…I thought. I believed I found someone who would be there for me. Love me. I wanted it so badly, I only saw what I wanted to. Fuck. I was so blind.” Telling the story felt like tearing out my own guts, but I didn’t stop, speaking about my attack all the way up to the horrible run-in with Jordy’s group the night before. In doing so, I allowed myself to really acknowledge that it happened to me. To stop blaming myself.
Twisted Love (Blinded Love Series Book 3) Page 22