by Noelle Adams
She still looked self-conscious as she leaned over the bed to search for her clothes, but at least she was smiling.
She wouldn’t let him give her everything—no matter how much he wanted to—but at least he could give her that much.
He could make her smile.
Seven
KATIE WAS SO CONFUSED and upset that she couldn’t say a word on the short drive back to the Andersons’ house.
Everything had been so clear earlier when Logan had been kissing her, touching her, making love to her. But once he’d stopped, her brain had started to work again, and nothing made sense any more.
Logan was blessedly quiet—he must know that she wasn’t yet able to have a real conversation—but she could feel him sneaking sidelong looks at her, as if he was trying to read her expression, as if he was trying to discover what she was thinking, as if he was trying to make sure she was all right.
It was just like him—those silent, worried looks—and it made her want to cry.
When they’d parked the car in front of the big garage at his parents’ house, she took a deep breath. She could do this. She could socialize and smile with Logan’s family as if everything was normal. There were only a couple of hours until dinner. Then eventually it would be close enough to bedtime for her to escape to her room and have a good cry. Maybe after that she could start to figure out what was happening, what she’d done to her friendship with Logan.
“It’s going to be okay,” he murmured, opening the driver’s side door but not getting out.
“I know.” She didn’t know, but she knew he was trying, and she wanted to acknowledge that in some way.
She dared a look at his face and was surprised to see that he looked rumpled, tired, composed, clever. Just like he always did.
He didn’t look any different than he had yesterday. Or last year. Or when they’d first met almost four years ago. He still looked like her dear, adorable, brilliant friend. He hadn’t turned into some kind of sexy beast who was capable of making her do things she’d never intended to do.
That recognition made the whole thing even stranger, even more unbelievable.
She took another deep breath, this one audibly shaky, and managed to get out of the car.
As they were walking up to the side door, a voice called out to them, “Hello! How did the reunion go?”
Both of them turned to see Logan’s mother, Sandra, kneeling on the dirt of a large garden beyond the side yard.
“It was good,” Logan called back as Katie waved.
“Good, good. Jason is playing golf this afternoon, and no one else is in the house right now. If you feel like a little manual labor after you change, you can come help me pull weeds!”
Katie liked Sandra—a lot. Since losing her own mother, she’d found herself appreciating the older woman even more. And for some reason, working up a sweat by pulling weeds held a strange appeal to her at the moment, like the simple act might be able to override all the churning angst she was feeling.
She and Logan walked into the empty house and then up the stairs without saying a word. They stood together in front of the door to the bedroom she was using, and she had to fight an intense wave of exhaustion and emotion.
“Katie,” Logan said, his voice soft and hoarse.
“I’m... I’m really scared.” She leaned against the closed door, using it for support. “I know you said our friendship won’t be affected, but it feels so much like it will be. I don’t know what I was thinking before.”
She hadn’t been thinking at all.
She had only been feeling.
She couldn’t believe all the things she’d been feeling for Logan this afternoon.
“I know you’re scared. But I told you. We’re not going to let this get in the way of our friendship. We’re two adults who both want to stay friends. We can get through this.”
She nodded through a sheen of tears.
He reached out toward her, and she knew he was going to pull her into a hug, but she backed away with a hissed intake of air. She couldn’t let Logan touch her. Her mind evidently disappeared as soon as Logan touched her, and she just couldn’t risk that happening right now.
There was a brief twisting on his face before he dropped his hands.
“I’m sorry,” she rasped, hugging her arms to her chest. “I’m sorry, Logan.”
“So am I.”
“I think... I’m going to take a shower and change, and then I might go down and weed the garden with your mom.”
She hoped he would understand that she needed a little break from him. She hoped it wouldn’t hurt his feelings.
He nodded slowly, his skin damp with a sheen of sweat but his face as controlled as ever. “I can work on email here in the house.”
“Okay.”
“Okay.”
She had her hand on the doorknob to her room, but she couldn’t seem to turn it. “Okay.”
“Okay.” Logan wasn’t moving either.
It took a massive effort, but she was finally able to make it into her room.
It felt like Logan was still standing there in the hallway, just outside, even after she closed the door behind her.
SHE SHOWERED AND CHANGED into a casual, sleeveless top and capris, pulling her hair into a long braid down her back. Then she went outside to the garden to pull weeds.
Sandra was visibly pleased that she’d joined her, and she stationed Katie a short distance away from her and gave her a small transplanting shovel in case she needed some extra hardware against a particularly stubborn weed.
After a minute, Sandra asked in a friendly, conversational tone, “So the reunion went well?”
“Yes. Yes, it did.” Katie was on her knees, trying to pull out a dandelion by the roots without snapping the stem. “Logan got to catch up with all his old friends, and I bragged on him appropriately, of course.”
“Good. Logan has always needed someone who will brag on him. He never learned to brag on himself.”
Sandra was smiling, and the words were spoken in a teasing manner, but they hit Katie strangely.
It was so true. Logan did need someone to brag on him, to support him completely. He would never tell the world how incredible he was. Someone needed to do it for him.
And, more than ever, that was feeling like her role to fulfill.
She froze, her hand still wrapped around the base of the dandelion, and she shook with emotion for a moment.
“Is everything all right, honey?” Sandra asked in a gentler tone.
Katie nodded and managed to smile. “Yes. Yes, of course.”
Sandra’s eyes seemed to see a lot more than they should. “Did you have a fight with Logan this afternoon?”
Katie shook her head, ducking her head slightly to hide her expression.
“He never had the temper his brothers have,” Sandra continued, as if Katie had responded in words. “They used to always try to fight with him, and he drove them crazy when he just refused. He was always more internal, holding everything inside. My boys always got along as well as brothers ever do, and they’re still quite close. But I know, in some ways, it was hard for Logan to have so many brothers who are...”
When Sandra trailed off, Katie looked up, genuinely interested. “Who are what?”
Sandra chuckled. “My mama used to say ‘prima donnas’ but that doesn’t sound quite right in referring to grown men, does it?”
“Prima donnas?”
“Yes. You know. Always the center of the stage, the center of attention. Three of his brothers are like that.”
Katie had met all four of his brothers, and she knew this was true. “He doesn’t want to be the center of attention. He’s... he’s amazing.”
Sandra smiled warmly. “You’re talking to his mama, honey. I know how special he is. You know, when he was a boy, we let him have a dog for his birthday. He took weeks and weeks before he decided which dog he wanted. We couldn’t believe how long it took before he’d finally chosen his s
pecial dog. It was such a sweet, loving animal, but it ended up with a lot of health problems—food allergies and such. But none of that ever swayed Logan. He’d chosen the perfect dog for him, and he loved and cared for that dog with such devotion until the day it died.”
Katie listened to the story intently, strangely eager for any extra information about Logan. And she didn’t know why the little story caused tears to burn in her eyes. She had to turn her head to keep Sandra from seeing them.
“Everything about Logan is... understated, quiet. He’s never spontaneous or thoughtless. But the flip side of this is that once he’s made up his mind,” Sandra murmured, “nothing in the world can sway him. He’ll never give up on a commitment once he’s made it.”
It was true. Katie knew it was true. She knew Logan so well.
And she couldn’t help but wonder if he’d known what he was doing this afternoon when he’d kissed her, when he’d given himself up to passion.
Logan didn’t do things unthinkingly. Did that mean he had finally made up his mind?
If she thought too much about this, she would burst into tears, and she couldn’t do that in front of Sandra. So she tried to clear her mind and focus on the weeding again.
Sandra appeared to recognize that Katie needed to change the topic of discussion. She asked in a friendly voice, “So how is your work going?”
“It’s going well,” Katie replied, relieved at the new subject. “Really well. I’m still pretty new to the whole thing, but I’ve been getting a decent number of clients.”
“That’s wonderful. It must be hard sometimes to work with so many divorces.”
“It is. But so many of those women have been terribly hurt. They really need an advocate to fight for them. I’m glad I can be that person for them.”
“Yes. I can see that. I have so many friends who have gone through truly terrible divorces. There’s something so heartbreaking about it, even when the decision is mutual.”
Katie nodded, wiping perspiration off her forehead. “It’s amazing you and your husband have done so well for so long.”
“Well, I won’t say that we haven’t had our moments. There have been days when I couldn’t stand the sight of him.” Sandra was speaking lightly, almost teasingly, but it was clear she was telling the truth. “But you know, we love each other and want the marriage to work. So we keep fighting for it. And we do a lot of forgiving.”
Katie returned the other woman’s smile, but her mind was buzzing again.
Her parents hadn’t made it.
So many marriages she saw didn’t make it.
So many hearts ended up ruined in the wake of it.
But not all of them.
Not all of them.
Eight
LOGAN SPENT THE REST of the afternoon pretending to work, and then he had dinner with his family and Katie. He acted like everything was normal, but inside, he was obsessing over how to ease the heartbreaking anxiety in Katie’s eyes.
He could live with not having everything he wanted. He could live with only being Katie’s friend.
But he couldn’t live with Katie hurting this way, especially since he was the one who had hurt her.
He had to think of something to do that would fix things.
And he had to stop thinking about how it had felt in Katie’s arms, Katie’s body, that afternoon.
Sloan and Maria had come over again for dinner, so it was a full table. As he tried to make casual conversation over boiled crab and roasted vegetables, he kept looking over at Katie discreetly, trying to read her thoughts from her lovely, strained features. Several times he caught her giving him the same kind of looks.
She thought their friendship was ruined, but he couldn’t let that happen.
After dessert and cleanup, it was just nine o’clock, but Katie murmured to him that she was tired, so she thought she’d go up to bed early.
Logan knew that meant she wanted to be alone.
He walked up the stairs with her, and they stood staring at each other in front of her door, the way they’d done earlier that day.
He had absolutely no idea what to say to make this all better. All he wanted to do was grab her, sink into a kiss, swing her into his arms, and carry her into the room, over to her bed. He wanted to take her until both of them were limp and satisfied.
That wasn’t what she wanted though.
She opened her mouth, but no words came out. Instead, she took a step forward and stretched up to give him a light kiss on his jaw. “If you keep giving me those worried looks, your face is going to freeze that way.”
He was so surprised and relieved that he choked on a soft laugh. “I am worried.”
“I know. So am I.”
“Just tell me what you need me to do. If you need some space, if you need me to back off for a while, if you need me to... to never touch you again, I’ll do it. I promise I will.”
Her eyes filled with tears that didn’t fall. “I don’t... I don’t know what I need, Logan. And it’s not just about me. And I’m worried about you too.”
“You’re the most important thing.”
“Not to me.” She took a long breath that raised and then lowered her slim shoulders. “I love you, you know.”
His heart leapt at the gentle words. He couldn’t stop it from doing so. Even though he knew her statement didn’t mean what he wanted it to mean. She only meant as a friend.
Not as the love of her life.
He cleared his throat. “I love you too. And that’s why we’re going to get through this.”
“I hope so.” She looked like she might say something else, but instead she turned away from him and stepped into her room, closing the door behind her.
As he headed back downstairs, he felt a little better than he had going up.
At least she was talking to him, smiling at him, kissing his cheek. She wasn’t pulling away from him.
That was so much better than he’d feared might happen.
His parents were in the living room—his dad reading in his favorite leather recliner and his mom working on a laptop. Logan went into the kitchen to get something to drink and was surprised to see Sloan still seated on a stool at the kitchen bar.
“Where is Maria?” Logan asked, taking a bottle of water out of the refrigerator.
“She went home.” He put down the phone he’d been focused on. “She gets tired early with the pregnancy and everything.”
“And you didn’t want to go with her?”
Sloan gave a little shrug. “I don’t get to see you all that often, so I figured I’d stay.”
Logan was both surprised and pleased by this display of brotherly feeling, although he suspected Sloan had sensed that something was wrong with him.
His suspicion was confirmed when Sloan asked, “So what’s going on with Katie?” He’d kept his voice down so their parents in the other room couldn’t hear.
Logan sat down on the stool beside his brother and took a long swig of water. “I have no idea.”
“There was some definite tension over dinner. Maria thought Katie was going to cry a couple of times. You weren’t an idiot to her or something, were you?”
Logan let out a soft, ironic exhale. “I don’t know. Maybe I was.”
“Have you told her how you feel?”
Logan had never told his brother—or anyone else—how he felt about Katie, but he wasn’t really surprised that Sloan knew anyway. “Kind of.”
“Kind of doesn’t really work in these situations. Believe me. I know. Just tell her. Straight out. All the way.”
“She doesn’t want to hear it.”
“How do you know?”
“Because she’s told me—quite clearly. She doesn’t want a relationship.”
“People say that all the time. I used to say it. I changed my mind when I met Maria. Maybe Katie will change her mind too. You’ll never know until you take the chance.”
It wasn’t as easy as his brother was implying. Logan had let
Katie know how he felt this afternoon. He’d let go of all his suppressed feelings in a wave of passion at the beach house. She had to know he wanted more than friendship.
She had to.
And afterward she’d told him quite clearly that it wasn’t what she wanted.
Sloan went on as if Logan had said this out loud. “How can she know you want to offer her everything unless you tell her?”
Logan sighed and closed his eyes for a moment. “I’d rather have something with her than nothing.”
“But maybe you can have everything.” Sloan stood up and clapped Logan on the back in a supportive gesture. “I know this from experience. You’ll never find out unless you’re willing to take a risk.”
Logan sat perfectly still as his brother went to say good night to their parents and then left the house altogether.
It was several minutes before Logan finally made up his mind.
When he did, he stood up and looked down at himself. He still wore the black T-shirt and old khaki trousers he’d changed into after the reunion. His hair was probably a mess. He definitely needed to shave. He didn’t look particularly impressive at the moment.
It didn’t matter.
He needed to do this now.
He walked upstairs, made a quick stop in his room, and then knocked on Katie’s door.
After a moment, the knob turned and she swung it open.
She’d changed into a little white tank top with lace straps and light blue cotton pajama pants. Her hair was loose, and her feet were bare. Her face was scrubbed clean.
His heart and body both surged with appreciation, with desire, with ownership.
She looked young and fresh and innocent and beautiful.
She looked like she was his.
She blinked at him in confusion. “Logan, what is it? Is everything all right?”
He shook his head and tried to speak, but no words came out.
“Logan?” She reached out and touched his chest very lightly.
His blood surged again at the little touch.
“I’m stepping up,” he said at last.
Her eyes widened, and her cheeks flushed slightly. “You’re...”