by Robyn Carr
Children.
“Did you want children?”
“Doris, I think every woman wants a child, even if that want is stored in the back of her mind. And a child with the right man? Well, no use crying over spilled milk. I had a lot of nice suitors over the years, but that rat bastard was the only one I would have ever considered marrying.”
Rose’s lips curved in a knowing smile. “I recognize that look,” she said to Jennifer. “The shocked and stricken look on your face. You haven’t even allowed for the possibility of living happily ever after. Of finding true love and having a family. Have you, Doris?”
“I... Ah...”
“You’re almost thirty, Doris. What have you been doing up till now?”
“Well... Let’s just say that the two of us have more in common than you might think.”
“There is one major difference,” Rose said. “I can’t go back to being thirty. You still have time for a course correction.”
* * *
When Jennifer got home, she went directly to the computer. It was her intention to email Louise about the story Rose had told her, but while she was trying to think of what she might say, she went through her routine of checking the internet for any news of the Nobles.
In the Living section of the West Palm Beach News, along with the anniversary and charity-event announcements, was a small item with a picture. Mr. and Mrs. Nicholas Noble off on a three-week cruise. There they were, waving from the deck of the ship, all smiles. Everything would seem to be in order except for one small thing. It was a newspaper file photo. Jennifer had seen it many times before. It was years old, perhaps a honeymoon photo.
He was getting away with it, she thought in sheer dread.
* * *
Alex was tied up on a case but called her four times to tell her he would be coming by after work, if that was all right. She hoped he couldn’t hear the trepidation in her voice. It was there because she was thinking she might have to give in and tell him about Nick. About what she was running from.
Normally she would have fallen asleep before ten, but the tension of mulling this over and waiting for Alex was keeping her alert. When there was a knock at the door a few minutes after ten, she jumped up and threw the door open without even asking who was there.
There stood Hedda, Joey over one shoulder and her backpack over the other. “I’m sorry,” she said.
“Don’t be,” Jennifer said. “I’m happy to see you. Go put Joey in the bed and let’s have a diet cola before you turn in.”
“Okay.” She dropped the backpack and started through the living room. She turned back and said, “Doris, I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
While she was tucking in her little brother, Jennifer made a couple of colas on ice and brought them to the living room. She put them on the coffee table and curled up on one end of the couch. Hedda came back and claimed the other end of the couch.
“I’ve tried not to pry, but maybe you’d better tell me what’s going on at your house.”
Hedda shrugged, grabbed her drink and took a sip. “We’re in the way. Again.”
“What do you mean? Exactly,” Jennifer pushed. Even as she did so, she remembered how impossible it would have been to get her to talk about her mother when she was a teenager. And how much it might have helped if she had.
“My mom has had pretty rotten luck with men,” she said. “My dad left her before I was a year old. My first stepdad didn’t hang around long, either. And Joey’s dad... A couple of years.”
“What about Roger?”
“Roger?” she asked with a short laugh. “Who’s Roger?”
So maybe the kids didn’t know about that night. Or early morning.
“Does she have a lot of boyfriends?”
“I wouldn’t say a lot. But sometimes she drinks a little too much. She says she just wants to enjoy life a little, it’s tough enough. But sometimes she enjoys life a little too much, you know? She’s usually real good. I mean, too tired from work to drink too much. She might have a couple when she gets home, which is really late, but... But sometimes she might stop at a bar with some of her waitress friends. Sometimes she might have too much.”
“And tonight was one of those nights?”
“Yeah. So Joey and I took the pullout couch, except we didn’t really. I just stuffed some school clothes in the backpack for him and we were good to go.”
“Hedda, did it ever occur to you that maybe you and Joey should be in a foster home?”
“Oh, man, we tried that once,” she said, shaking her head. “We weren’t together and both of us were in awful places. My foster father could drink my mother under the table. No, I just have to make it one more year.”
“And?”
“And I’ll take care of Joey and Sylvia can do whatever she wants.”
“You ever think maybe she should consider something like AA?”
“She went once.” She shrugged. “She said she just didn’t have the problem those people had. I mean, she can sometimes drink a little too much, but it’s not like every day.”
“Every week?”
“Not even.”
“But pretty often. Too often.”
“Sometimes it’s too often. But, Doris? Except for the times she brings someone home, which isn’t all that often really, I like her a lot better when she’s had a couple of cocktails. At least she’s not so frickin’ mad.”
It was awful to think there was absolutely nothing she could do to help. Jennifer couldn’t be a foster parent. She wasn’t even sure she’d be in Boulder City in another six months. And here was this sixteen-year-old holding it together for her little brother.
But holding it together really well, as a matter of fact.
“Joey’s dad is about ten times as screwed up as my mom, but he has really nice grandparents in Tucson. They try to see him, when my mom will let them. They even try to make me feel like I can come anytime, but I’ve tried that and it’s not too cool. While they fuss over Joey, I am completely invisible. I’m better off with Sylvia for now.
“It’s not the greatest—but we’re going to get past this. You know?” Hedda asked.
“I know,” Jennifer said. “My mom heard voices sometimes.”
“She did?”
“Totally mentally ill,” she said. “I didn’t bring friends around because she might be having a conversation with a couch pillow.”
“Wow.”
“So, I do know how you feel.”
There was a soft knock at the door and Jennifer said, “Alex. He said he was going to stop by after work.” She went to the door, opened it enough so that Alex could see Hedda sitting on the couch. “Hi,” she said. “I can’t play. I’m having a sleepover.”
* * *
Jennifer wished she hadn’t seen the picture of the Nobles waving from the deck of the ship. She was haunted by the knowledge that Nick was successfully creating little scenarios of Barbara being away, traveling, vacationing, when in fact she was dead. It was just like reliving that day at the MGM.
She’d have to go to Alex. Of all the people she was growing to trust, he was the only one she could think of who might actually be able to help her. After a quick walk around the park with Alice, she saw Alex’s car was in his open garage. It was nearly dark when she knocked at his door.
“Hey!” he said happily when he saw her. “Was the sleepover a success?”
“Raging. I was just getting back from a walk,” she said. She heard the nervousness in her own voice. She was feeling both desperate and afraid. “Alex, did you ever wish you could turn back the clock?”
He held the door open for her to come inside with Alice. “Did I do something I shouldn’t have?”
“I didn’t mean about the other night. I meant... I mean in gene
ral. Wish you could go back in time and do things differently?”
He put his arms out to her, pulling her against him gently. Comfortingly. She lay her head against his chest and let him just hold her for a minute. “Everyone wishes that at some point in their lives,” he said. “Everyone.”
“Alex, I am such a screwup.”
“Naw, I don’t believe that.”
“Oh, believe it. And you’re the unlucky doofus who drew the short straw because I can’t think of anyone else to dump this on.”
His smile was tender. He lifted her chin with a finger, placed a sweet kiss on her lips and said, “Go ahead. Tell me Jennifer’s life story.”
She jumped back a foot, out of his arms. Alice skittered at the surprise movement. Jennifer wore a look of shock on her face that actually brought a half smile to his lips. “You knew?”
“Hey, I’m trained to know these things.”
“How many other people know?” she asked, still backing away.
He shrugged. “No one around here, as far as I know.”
“Around here?”
“I was forced to tell Paula. But believe me—it’s better that she knows what I know than to have her guessing. Now, why don’t we just...”
“Wait! Wait!” She shook her head in disbelief. How long had he known? Since the first time they saw the bighorns? Had he just been playing her, trying to trick her into trusting him enough to spill her guts? “I have to think about this.” She turned away from him to leave.
“Hey, Jennifer—don’t overthink this,” he said. He reached out and grabbed her wrist, but she snatched it away. “I just want to help.”
“You lied to me!”
“I didn’t lie—”
“You lied! Every time you called me Doris, it was a lie. You knew who I was and what I was hiding from!”
“Actually, no. I’m still not sure what you’re so scared of. But if you tell me, I’ll—”
“I don’t think so, Alex. I think I’ve lost my nerve. At least right now.”
“Don’t walk away like this,” he said. “You have some kind of heavy load and I only want to share it. Jennifer, it’s my job.”
“I don’t want to be your job!”
“That’s not what I meant and you know it. It’s my job to help when someone’s in trouble or afraid of trouble.”
“I...ah... I need a little time to think. Okay? Just give me a little time to think this through.”
“Why? You wanted to tell me about it. You wanted my help. Let’s do it. Let’s talk about it now.”
“That was when I thought I’d have to explain everything. That was before I found out you already know all about me, pretending not to.” She opened the door and stepped out. She looked over her shoulder. “You should have been straight with me from the beginning.”
“I didn’t want to push you. Scare you off.”
She gave a huff of laughter. “Well, in fact...” She backed away and Alice went with her. “Now you’re going to have to be patient.”
She jogged across their front lawns and let herself into Louise’s house. She leaned back against the closed and locked front door and said, “Dammit, Alex.”
This put a new face on things. She thought he was falling for her, falling for a waitress named Doris. It was possible he could care less; he could be undercover, watching her movements. He could be just about ready to investigate her for stealing from Nick. And if he searched her belongings he would find two diamond rings and a tennis bracelet given to her by Nick and a nice stack of hundreds that she’d come away with from the MGM Grand.
Alice, tired, wandered over to the cool tile floor near the cold hearth and flopped down. Jennifer sat on the edge of the sofa, thinking. The house grew dark around her. All these people she had borrowed from Louise’s life were retreating in her mind. What she thought was Alex’s genuine affection was probably him doing his job as a cop, checking her out. When she turned out not to be Doris, would everyone change their feelings toward her?
And would Alex tell someone at the police department, who would get the word to Nick?
At about 9:00 p.m. she made up her mind that she would have to leave Boulder City. The only light she turned on in the house was in the master bath. In the shadows she packed her backpack. She took as much as she could by way of clothing, but much would have to be left behind. She draped over the sofa the clothes that Rose had loaned her for the Cinco de Mayo party. She filled Alice’s dish, knowing she wouldn’t touch it until morning. And poor Hedda—but what good would she be to Hedda if Nick “took care of her.”
She struggled with a note. It was in her heart to explain, but in the end all she could write was, I’m sorry if I let anyone down.
She put the backpack by the front door and lay down on the floor by Alice, her head on Alice’s back. She hummed a few lullabies and wiped impatiently at tears that slid down her cheeks. When the hour was sufficiently late and the sky reliably black, she kissed her old friend on the head. “I love you, old girl. I’ll call Rose in the morning—she’ll take good care of you.”
She tucked the key under the front mat and began walking. She headed toward the dam where she hoped to hitch a ride to the Arizona side. If she could get to Flagstaff or Laughlin, she could get a bus ride to Ohio. Maybe if she could go back in time, back to where she had some childhood memories that didn’t hurt, maybe she could rebuild her life. For sure there wouldn’t be any posters with her face on them.
She passed the park—she would so miss the park. She wouldn’t get to see the lambs. There would be no more celebrations at the Garcia homestead.
And Alex...the brush with romance that wasn’t would fade from her memory fast.
“I can’t believe you would leave Alice,” he said.
He was sitting on top of a picnic table in the park, partially hidden in the shadows. His feet were on the bench and he leaned his elbows on his knees. She was frozen.
“I didn’t want to. I had to.”
“You didn’t have to,” he said, anger edging his words. “You could have just told me the truth, let me help.”
“You could have told the truth, too.”
He stood up abruptly and came toward her, causing her to back away a little. “Hey, enough of this crap. I didn’t betray you. I haven’t sold you out. All I know is that you’re scared of someone—and I think I know who, but I don’t know why. All I’m guilty of is keeping my mouth shut while you learned to trust me!”
“You don’t understand!”
“You’re right—I don’t! And you’re not making it any easier!”
“Alex, he killed his wife! I saw him!”
Well, that did it—shut him right up. In fact, if she wasn’t mistaken, it kind of knocked the wind out of him.
“Well, holy shit, Doris.”
“See? You just don’t know the half of this mess. And I don’t feel like being your project. It’s enough that I’m Buzz’s and Rose’s project. But—”
Something about that seemed to rile him up, because he took three long strides toward her, pulled her into his arms, kissed her so hard it nearly knocked her out of her shoes and, when he was finally done, said, “Jennifer, if you can’t tell my feelings for you are real, I am way rustier at this than I thought. Now, dammit, let me help you with this mess so we can get on with our lives.”
“Our lives?”
“Yeah, ours. Jesus, you are so pigheaded you make me tired.”
“How do you know you’re still going to want to know me after you know everything about me?”
“For God’s sake—I’ve been a cop for twelve years. Do you honestly think you can come up with something I haven’t seen before?”
“Seeing it on the street and having it right in your...” She stopped.
He sensed sh
e was having trouble, so he gave her a little squeeze and tried to finish for her. “In your arms? So—look at your options. You can run and never know, or you can stay and see if this thing between us works. Either way, if you don’t get this trouble behind you, you’re going to have to deal with it forever.”
That was true. Also true was, that of the entire police force, Alex might be the only one she was willing to take a chance on. “I wasn’t going to abandon Alice. I was going to call Rose in the morning. If she didn’t answer, I had your cell phone number. And the key is under the mat.”
“I know. I watched all that.”
“You were spying on me?”
“I was afraid you might bolt. You were pretty pissed that I knew your name.”
“How long have you known?”
“Since the flyers were put out. About the time you moved in next door. Now, come on, let’s go home. Tell Alice everything is going to be all right. Then you can give me the whole story and we’ll get you taken care of.”
“Okay, then,” she said. As they began to walk back toward the house she slipped her arm around his waist. “I really hated leaving before the lambs.”
“There are lambs every year, sweetheart,” he said.
She began to cry. She leaned on him and cried into his shirt. “It isn’t just the lambs. It’s Rose and Hedda and Buzz. It’s the Garcias. It’s you. Alex, I don’t want to go.”
“Good,” he said, comforting her, stroking her back. “We don’t want to lose you.”
eleven
When Jennifer unlocked the door and flipped on the light, Alice didn’t come to her. She raised herself on her front legs, but her back legs stayed grounded. There was a dark stain not very far from the dog. “What in the—?”
Jennifer looked at the stain; an accident clearly tinged with blood. She knelt in front of Alice, who whimpered in either pain or confusion. “Come on, girl... Tell me what’s wrong.”
Alex tried to hoist Alice’s hindquarters up, but she had no control of her legs and couldn’t hold her own weight. She was paralyzed at least from the hips down. “Jennifer, we’ve got to get her to the vet.”