His eyes held mine. ‘I’m glad you’re here.’ His voice cracked again as tears clouded his eyes.
‘Me too.’ I had to be strong for Dad but it was hard. Nobody should have to go through so much at one time.
38
Samantha
Charlotte ‘Lottie’ Maeve Alderson was born by caesarean at 8.48 p.m. Six weeks early, she weighed in at 4lb 11oz and, despite the fall and the distress of the delivery, she gave the medical team little cause for concern. Beth, on the other hand, was not doing so well. She’d lost a lot of blood and needed a transfusion. The next twenty-four hours would be critical. The decision to deliver Lottie had been made so quickly that Paul hadn’t been able to gown up and go in but he was now with his daughter in the transitional care unit while Josh and I minded Archie.
Josh had phoned his mum about half an hour before Lottie was born to let her know what had happened, then texted her with the news of Lottie’s safe arrival. Twenty minutes passed but she hadn’t responded.
‘I hope Mum’s okay,’ Josh said, checking his phone for the umpteenth time. ‘I thought she’d have replied.’
‘I wouldn’t read anything into it. She could have gone out.’
He nodded but I could tell he was still worried.
I linked my arms through his. ‘Talk to me.’
‘What about?’
‘Anything. How you feel about having a new half-sister perhaps? Or we can talk about something completely mundane like if you really do like the hedgehog duvets I ordered or whether you were just being diplomatic.’
For the first time since we’d arrived at the hospital, Josh laughed.
‘I really do like the hedgehog duvets. They’re right for the rescue centre but I’d prefer it if you didn’t order a duplicate set for our bedroom.’
‘Damn! I’ll have to cancel the order,’ I said, winking at him.
‘As for how I feel about everything else, I honestly don’t know.’ He glanced down at Archie, fast asleep in his carrier by our feet. ‘I’m relieved Lottie’s okay and I love that they’ve named her after Grandma although slightly gutted they’ve bagged the name. I always thought that, if I had a daughter, I’d like to call her Lottie. Couldn’t name a boy after Granddad, though. I’m not convinced the name Raymond will ever make a comeback.’
I stiffened as nervous butterflies swooped in my stomach. ‘It sounds like you’ve given this a lot of consideration.’
‘Not really.’ He shrugged. ‘Just a passing thought. Besides, it would depend on what—'
‘Josh!’
‘Mum!’ Josh jumped up. ‘What are you doing here?’
‘Oh, sweetheart, I had to come and see if there was anything I could do.’ She hugged him. ‘That poor family.’
I stood up when Connie released him and she hugged me too.
‘Oh my word, is this little Archie?’ She bent down and pressed her fingers to her lips as she gasped. ‘He’s the spitting image of you as a baby, Josh.’ She lightly stroked his cheek. ‘What a precious little angel. No wonder you’re smitten. Wait till you have one of your own.’
I reeled at her last words and those butterflies took flight again as the conversation I’d overheard between Connie and Josh vividly returned to my mind. So much had happened since then, I hadn’t given it another moment’s thought. I looked at Josh smiling down at Archie with clear adoration. Was he thinking about me being pregnant? Was he thinking about us having a family? My pulse raced and I felt suddenly nauseous.
Connie straightened up and indicated that we should all take a seat. ‘What’s the latest news?’
As Josh updated her, I tuned out. Could I be pregnant? The thought that I could be filled me with dread.
‘… Sammie?’
Hearing my name, I looked up at Josh. ‘Sorry, what?’
He smiled. ‘I was telling Mum how brilliant you were at feeding Archie.’
‘You realise that, if you two have kids, you’ll be on permanent nappy duty, Josh, while Samantha is chief-feeder. Best get practising.’
Looking from one smiling face to the other, I leapt to my feet, desperate to get out of there. ‘I could do with a drink. Anyone else want one? No? Back shortly.’
I strode down the corridor as quickly as I could without breaking into a run then, as soon as I was outside, I ran across to the main building.
My eyes burned as I scanned the hospital shop shelves for a pregnancy testing kit.
I sat on the lowered toilet lid, staring at the words on the white stick held in my shaking hands. Not pregnant. Not. Definitely not. My body sagged as a feeling of relief swept through me. I pressed my other hand across my mouth and closed my eyes for a moment. Why relief? That made no sense! I’d never been ridiculously gooey or obsessed about babies like Chloe, but I’d always wanted a family. Hadn’t I? I loved babies and was really comfortable around them which was why I’d found it easy to feed Archie. I’d held loads of babies during my nursing career. I loved spending time with Amelia and had been close to tears when Hannah had asked me to be godmother. I craved snuggles with baby Samuel. But none of those babies were mine. Was that the difference? But that made no sense either. Josh and I loved each other, we lived together, he was my forever.
I wrapped my arms across my stomach and bent over, a wave of nausea hitting me along with a scary realisation. I didn’t want children. That was the problem. Kids had never been an option before. Harry hated them and had always made it clear that he had no plans to be a father and James hadn’t seen me in his future so they’d been ruled out there too. But now that they were a real possibility, I had to face the truth. I didn’t see children in my future.
I started at the results again, my stomach churning. What was I going to tell Josh? I pictured the adoration on his face as he’d held Archie earlier. Okay, so Archie was his half-brother so there was a family connection there like I had with Samuel. But what about at the Family Fun Day? He’d been in his element playing with the kids while dressed as Mickleby. He’d loved it so much that he’d stayed in that sweltering costume for four hours. He was gentle and caring. He’d make such an amazing dad but I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t be a mum. Josh was my forever but could we really last forever if we disagreed on something so fundamental? This wasn’t a difference of opinion on paint colour or where to go on holiday. This was a life decision. Look at his parents. Look at the choice his dad had made as soon as he’d had another chance at fatherhood. If Josh really wanted children, I was going to have to let him go so he could find someone who wanted a family too because, no matter how much I loved him and longed to make him happy, motherhood was something I absolutely couldn’t do.
I could scarcely catch my breath at the scary thought of life without Josh. But the thought of being a mum was even more terrifying.
39
Josh
I could have murdered a coffee but Sammie had already dashed off before I had a chance to ask. I turned to Mum. ‘Did that seem strange to you?’
‘A bit. Although in fairness, the whole thing is probably quite strange to her. Bear in mind that Beth’s not just your dad’s partner. She’s your ex-girlfriend. That can’t be easy. I remember you telling me how much you were dreading meeting Samantha’s ex but you knew you had to be on your best behaviour because he’s family. James, is it?’
I nodded. ‘That’s a fair point. I couldn’t stand the guy for what he’d put her through. Even now, I feel a bit awkward around him although I don’t think it’s easy for him either.’ I rolled my stiff shoulders. ‘Sammie’s been amazing about Beth all the way through this and, you’re right, it can’t be easy for her. She once saw a photo of Beth at Wisteria Cottage and felt really threatened by her.’
Mum frowned. ‘But Samantha’s beautiful.’
‘You’re telling me but she doesn’t see herself like that. Her cousin, Chloe – James’s wife – is striking and she looks a lot like Beth. Growing up, Sammie was always in Chloe’s shadow. Boys flocked round Chloe and ignored S
ammie and her mum used to rub it in that Sammie would never find someone special because she was nothing special. She started to believe it.’
‘Her mum sounds delightful.’
‘That woman has a lot to answer for. Sammie doesn’t like to talk about it. She mentions things from time to time but I think the situation with Dad has stirred it all up again. She’s always been keen for me to reconnect with him, saying we stand a chance of working through things because we had a strong relationship before. She never had that with her mum.’
‘Never?’
‘Her mum never wanted her and she’s made that clear all the way through Sammie’s life.’
‘The pair of you have certainly had more than your fair share of parental screw-ups.’
‘You did nothing wrong, Mum.’
‘As I told you on Sunday, I’m not completely innocent in all this. I did nothing about our marriage deteriorating and I did nothing to pacify your strong feelings towards your dad by telling you the truth. You might have reached out to him sooner if you’d known he wasn’t completely to blame.’
‘Did you have a seven-year secret affair that resulted in a child?’
She smiled. ‘No. No affair and no secret love child. But I did once…’ She gasped and clapped her hand across her mouth. ‘Oh my word! That’s it! That’s how I know him.’
‘Know who?’
‘Alex.’ Her eyes shone as she spoke the name.
I shrugged my shoulders in bewilderment. ‘Alex who?’
‘I don’t know his surname. Scout leader. He’s the uncle of one of Samantha’s friends. Came to the barbeque on Saturday.’ She smiled widely. ‘Good-looking, great sense of humour.’
‘Oh! Him.’ She had completely lit up in a way I’d never seen. Clearly there’d been something between them. ‘Are you saying you had a fling with Alex?’
She laughed lightly. ‘Good grief, Josh. I think we’d have recognised each other immediately if we’d had a fling. Besides, I’d never have done that to your dad, no matter how bad things were at home.’ She cocked her head to one side and pursed her lips. ‘Or at least I don’t think I would. I guess you never really know until the opportunity presents itself.’
‘Then what happened between you and Alex?’
She smiled widely again. ‘We had a moment.’
I raised my eyebrows at her. ‘I have no idea what that means. Do I want to?’
She nudged me. ‘It’s nothing smutty so drag your brain out the gutter. It was about four years ago. Your Auntie Lauren’s—’
‘Connie?’ I twisted in my seat to see Dad in the middle of the waiting room, blinking.
Mum rushed to him, arms outstretched. ‘I’m so sorry, Paul.’
He looked momentarily stunned as she hurled herself at him but then he wrapped his arms round her and sobbed. A lump constricted my throat as I watched Mum comforting him. Where did she find the strength to forgive him and to rush to his side in his hour of need like this? To stroke his sleeping baby? To ask how his girlfriend was? I was learning so much from her about the type of person I wanted to be and the type of parent I hoped to become. I was learning so much from Sammie too. I just wish I knew why she’d taken off earlier. It was so out of character.
Sammie re-appeared ten minutes later looking pale-faced and anxious.
‘Are you okay?’
‘Yeah, just felt a bit sick all of a sudden. Some fresh air helped.’ She sat down beside me. ‘Any news?’
‘Lottie’s fine and Beth’s out of surgery now. They reckon it went well but she’s still unconscious so they won’t know for definite until she’s awake.’
‘That’s a relief.’ She nodded towards where Mum and Dad were deep in conversation at the other side of the waiting room. ‘Looks like World War III hasn’t broken out.’
‘As soon as he appeared, Mum hugged him and he broke down. It was quite something to see. I feel like such an idiot for being stubborn for so long. You were right about me letting him back in. I should have done it way before I knew about the diagnosis. You have permission to make me sleep in the cow shed if I’m ever that stubborn again.’
Sammie gave me a weak smile. I reached for her hand but she didn’t curl her fingers round mine like she normally would.
‘Have I said something that’s upset you?’ I asked although I couldn’t think what it might have been.
‘Just tired again.’ She certainly looked and sounded weary.
‘You would tell me if I did or if there’s something on your mind, wouldn’t you?’
‘I’m fine. You focus on your family.’
‘But you’re my family and, right now, I’m focusing on you.’
Worryingly, tears shone in her eyes and I saw her swallow hard. ‘Honestly, I’m fine. As I said, I just felt a bit sick earlier.’
She held my eyes and I could sense her willing me to believe her. I smiled and nodded but she didn’t fool me. Something had upset her but she clearly wanted me to leave it so I would. For now.
40
Samantha
About half an hour after I returned to the waiting room, Josh suggested I head back to Hedgehog Hollow but he wanted to stay at the hospital to keep his dad company.
‘I’ll call you a taxi,’ he said, giving me a gentle smile. ‘I don’t want you falling asleep at the wheel.’
‘I can drive. I’ll be fine. Although that would leave you without a car.’
‘I can take you back,’ Connie said. ‘Saves you money, leaves Josh with a car and gives me company on the way home.’
I couldn’t argue with her logic so I picked up my bag and hoisted it wearily onto my shoulder.
Connie crouched down beside Archie then looked up towards Paul. ‘What’s he like round strangers?’
‘Pretty good,’ Paul said. ‘Why?’
‘Any allergies?’
‘No.’
She nodded thoughtfully. ‘How about I take Archie home to mine tonight? My next-door neighbour, Sian, has a baby about the same age as him. I’m sure she’ll be happy to lend me anything you don’t have in the changing bag.’
Paul shook his head. ‘I couldn’t ask you to do that. That’s too much.’
She waved her hand dismissively. ‘There’s no need to worry about sleeping. I know Sian has a travel cot and I’m sure she’ll have some spare bedding.’
‘You’d really do that for me?’ Paul asked, sounding as astonished as Josh looked.
‘It’s for all of you. You need to focus on Beth and Lottie right now. You can do that while this little one is sound asleep but it’s not going to be so easy when he wakes up.’
‘Thank you, Connie. It’s… I… thank you.’
I hugged Paul goodbye. ‘I’ll be thinking of you all. Beth’s got youth and good health on her side.’
‘Thank you. And thank you for being there for my son.’
I bit my lip and swallowed hard. How much longer would I be there for his son? We couldn’t talk about children now – not when he was facing so much turmoil – but we’d have to at some point. I was already dreading that day.
When Josh had finished strapping Archie into Connie’s car, he stroked the little boy’s cheek so tenderly that my heart melted. Then he closed the door, did the same to me and it melted even more. I could already feel the acute pain of potentially losing him.
‘I don’t know if I’ll make it back to the farm tonight,’ he said. ‘It depends what happens with Beth. We might stay here or maybe drive back to the flat and return in the morning.’
I nodded. ‘Text me and let me know.’
He drew me to his chest and whispered ‘I love you’ into my ear and I whispered it back, somehow managing to keep my emotions steady. I had to remain strong for now. He had enough to deal with. We’d talk when we were through the latest drama.
‘Are you okay?’ Connie asked for what must have been the sixth time since we’d left the hospital. I could feel her glancing at me but I kept my focus out the window on the dark shapes
of the hedgerows and the silhouettes of trees.
‘I’m fine. Just tired. It’s been a long couple of weeks. Lots of change and lots of drama.’
Concerned I might be coming across as aloof, I turned away from the window. ‘That was a really good thing that you did with Archie.’
I could see her smiling in the moonlight that gently lit the car. ‘It’s been a while since I’ve looked after a baby but I couldn’t leave him at the hospital. Paul needs to focus on Beth and Josh needs to focus on Paul.’
We continued in silence for a while. The radio was on low, each track barely discernible. Some loud cheerful music would take the edge off. My hand twitched but I couldn’t risk turning up the volume and waking Archie.
‘I was talking to Josh while you were gone…’ Connie started.
I bit my lip and tensed. Here we go. She’s going to ask questions to which I don’t have answers…
‘You know at your barbeque when Alex and I thought we knew each other? I’ve remembered the connection.’
I relaxed back into the seat. She wasn’t going to quiz me. ‘Oh yes? What was it?’
‘I didn’t get to tell Josh the story because Paul appeared. I only got as far as telling him that Alex and I had had a moment about four years ago. Two moments actually.’
‘Moments?’ I adjusted my position so I could see her expression better. She was grinning. ‘That sounds intriguing. Tell me more.’
‘You know that Lauren’s twice-divorced? Her second marriage was an unmitigated disaster and should never have happened. Story for another time. Anyway, when the divorce came through, she announced that it was a major cause for celebration which it absolutely was. She wanted to drink cocktails and go clubbing. Cocktails? Lovely. Clubbing? Not for me. But she’d had a rough time so I let her have her way and drag me out with a few of her friends. Lauren downed the cocktails like they were water. When we left the bar, she bashed into a group of men making one of them spill his drink. I stopped to apologise and that’s when we had our first moment. Honestly, Samantha, I’ve never felt anything like it before. I found myself looking into this stranger’s eyes and it felt like a thunderbolt had just hit me. I swear he felt it too. He had the kindest eyes and the warmest smile but, next minute, I was dragged away and the moment was gone.’
New Arrivals at Hedgehog Hollow Page 21