‘Okay. Where did that come from?’ He sounded puzzled and no wonder. It was a random way to start a conversation.
‘I was in the office last week when your mum asked if I could be but I’m not. I’ve taken a test.’
‘Oh. When did you do that?’
‘At the hospital yesterday. It went out of my mind after your mum questioned you but it came rushing back to me when the conversation was all about babies. Suddenly I had to know.’
‘So that’s why you rushed out. I was worried about you.’
‘You want kids, don’t you?’
‘At some point in the future perhaps.’ There was hesitation in his voice. ‘But only if it’s what you want.’
I took another deep breath and slowly shook my head. ‘It isn’t. I didn’t realise it until the pregnancy test was negative. I was so relieved but I had this huge panic that you wouldn’t want to be with me if we didn’t have children and the thought of you letting me go so you can be with someone who does want children terrifies me.’
Josh put his arm round me and kissed my forehead. ‘Do you really think I’d let go of what we have because you don’t want children?’ His voice was filled with so much love and sincerity. ‘You’re my forever. I can live with a future without children. I can’t live with a future without you.’
Tears rushed to my eyes. ‘You really mean that?’
‘Of course I do. I love you, Sammie. All I ever needed to make my life complete was a badass hedgehog saviour and it just so happens that one knocked on my door, demanded I move my jeep and called me an idiot.’
I laughed at the memory of our cringeworthy first encounter.
‘Is there a reason you don’t want children?’
‘It’s because of my mum.’ My voice cracked as I said the words.
‘How?’
‘I can’t shift this fear that I’ll be like her.’
Josh twisted so he could see me better, a frown creasing his brow. ‘Straight off the top of your head, give me three words to describe your mum.’
I smiled at him. Dave had got me to do the same thing about Chloe after pointing out that he thought we had a toxic relationship. ‘Cold, bitter, angry, selfish, sarcastic… That may have been more than three.’
‘It was five. So here’s five words off the top of my head to describe you. Kind, warm, loving, selfless, generous and I could easily reel off a whole load more. Think about those lists. Two completely different people.’
I grimaced. ‘I talked to Hannah about it this morning and she made the same point but, before I came along, that second list of words would have applied to my mum. People change. Sometimes for the worse.’
Josh sighed. ‘Yes, but I don’t think that would be the case here. I’m reluctant to debate it because that will seem like I’m putting pressure on you to change your mind when I’m not. I stand by what I say. You’re the future that I want.’
I bit my lip. ‘Cards on the table. Would you like a family? Please be honest.’
He paused for a moment. ‘I honestly hadn’t given it much thought but, if you wanted children and were asking me if I wanted them or not, I’d say yes. But you don’t want them so I say yes to that too because I say yes to you. I know there are people – like my mum and dad and your cousin, Chloe – who are desperate to have kids and can’t contemplate a future without them. I’m not one of those people, Sammie. I swear it. And do you know what you’re not?’
‘What?’
‘You’re not your mum. Again, I emphasise that this is nothing to do with trying to persuade you to have children but I don’t think it’s healthy for you to compare yourself to your mum so I’m going to play teacher and set you some homework.’ He winked at me. ‘I want you to write a list of all the ways you’re different to your mum. From what I already know about her, I think you’ll be surprised at how long that list is.’
I was touched by the passion in his voice. ‘And when’s my deadline, sir?’
‘The end of next week.’ He smiled and shook his head. ‘In all seriousness, I’m not going to chase you. It’s something you need to do in your own time. I’ll be here for you when you’re ready to share but I promise I won’t pester you for it.’
‘Okay. It’s a good idea.’
‘I do, however, have an assignment that needs submitting right now.’ He stood up. ‘Put your tea down and give me the biggest hug you’ve ever given.’
As we clung onto each other, I felt light with relief at how well he’d reacted to the conversation. I felt convinced it wasn’t one of those awful situations where he’d said one thing but meant another. But I thought about the Micklebys and how perfect Hedgehog Hollow was for a family and doubt set in once more. Would having a child be the best way to exorcise my ghosts and prove to myself that I was nothing like Mum? Or would taking that risk be playing with a child’s life?
45
Josh
Sammie’s revelation about not wanting kids hadn’t floored me but I definitely hadn’t seen it coming. She loved spending time with Amelia and Samuel and, at the Family Fun Day, she’d been so engaging with all the kids.
I couldn’t shake the feeling that, deep down, she longed for children of her own and, if we could address her legitimate concerns about being like her mum, she’d reconsider. The comment that kept circling round in my mind was about her mum being just like Sammie before Sammie was born. What if she hadn’t been? What if she’d misheard or latched onto some untruths? The only person who’d know for sure was Jonathan. After dinner, on my way back to the hospital, I’d make a detour via Auntie Lauren’s to investigate further. If it turned out to be true about her mum and Sammie still didn’t want children after that, fair enough. I meant what I said about wanting to be with her forever, with or without kids. I just hated the thought of her making a decision that she might regret later based on inaccurate information.
‘That was delicious, thank you.’ Sammie put her knife and fork down and pushed her plate away. It was good to see her eating properly at last. ‘I’ve been thinking. You know you said earlier that you feel a bit helpless and wish you could do more for your dad? I’ve thought of something that would be a massive help.’
I raised my eyebrows, my curiosity piqued.
‘When she’s discharged, Beth’s going to need loads of time to recover. Imagine those stairs at her flat with a broken arm, broken collar bone and two babies. She’ll be trapped indoors. I have no idea how your dad found the energy to manage two steep flights when he was going through chemo. And you said yourself that the flat is small.’
I pictured the cramped living space and the plastic crates piled high. ‘It’s tiny. You think they should move into Alder Lea?’ I’d been adamant that they couldn’t but that had been before. Now it seemed churlish.
‘That was my first thought but what about them moving in here instead?’
I dropped my fork with a clatter. ‘Into the farmhouse?’
She smiled. ‘They couldn’t exactly take up residence in the cow shed.’
‘But having my ex in our house? Wouldn’t that be strange for you?’
‘No stranger than being bridesmaid while my cousin married my ex and having them name their baby after me. No stranger than Thomas leaving his farm and his dreams to me. No stranger than me giving up my entire nursing career to care for injured hedgehogs. Or me moving in with a rude, stubborn vet who I argued with the first four times we met. I’ve come to the conclusion that life is pretty strange and sometimes we just have to roll with it.’
I ran my fingers through my hair. ‘You just keep astonishing me. Are you sure? It wouldn’t just be having another four people living here. It would be babies crying at all hours and two poorly adults needing lots of care and attention. That’s a huge ask of anyone.’
‘Yeah, you’re right. It would probably be better if they moved in with a trained nurse. Hmm. If only we knew one of those…’ She assumed a deep-thought pose.
I laughed. ‘Good point.’<
br />
‘Seriously, though. I can’t think of a better place for them to convalesce. If they were at Alder Lea, they’d be there alone at night and they’d effectively be there alone during the day too because you’d have a job to do. Here, I’m going to be around all the time. They can have the bedroom that Dad would have had which is ideal because it’s en-suite. One of the empty bedrooms can be converted into a nursery. Then, when all’s well, perhaps you could consider Alder Lea for their future home.’
I moved round the table and hugged her. ‘I’ll speak to Dad tonight and see what he thinks. Thank you.’
When I kissed Sammie goodbye a little later and set off down the farm track, I couldn’t stop marvelling at how strong the two women in my life were. Where did they find this ability to care so much and put others first all the time? I needed to be more like that.
My stomach churned when I pulled up outside Auntie Lauren’s cottage. It felt deceitful, like I was going behind Sammie’s back, but I had to do something. Even if the outcome remained no children, I couldn’t let her go on thinking she was anything like her mum when she couldn’t be more different.
46
Samantha
After Josh left, I cleared away the dinner dishes then locked up the farmhouse and took my laptop over to the barn. If I was going to be on my own all night, I might as well continue working through my to-do list.
I checked my emails and spotted a reply from Jeanette Kingston, the community leader in Terry’s village, saying she was on holiday over half-term but could visit the farm late the following week. I confirmed a time, pleased at the positive response. There’d also been another logo submission and, while skilfully drawn, the expression on Mickleby’s face was more psycho hedgehog than cute. The closing date was the end of half-term next week so hopefully somebody would get creative during the holidays and come up trumps.
The next few hours flew by as I worked through my tasks, only pausing to make a drink or feed the hoglets. Shortly before ten, I stretched and wandered round the barn. I paused in front of a display of drawings from the children who’d visited the activities tent Chloe and Auntie Louise ran at the Family Fun Day and tutted. Still no contact from Chloe. It was too late to call her now but it looked like I was going to have to be the bigger person and make contact tomorrow. I’d best be prepared for some sarcastic comment about forgetting who she was – a bit ironic for someone who’d cut me out of her life for months.
I made a hot chocolate then returned to my laptop, opened a spreadsheet and created two columns headed ‘Mum’ and ‘Me’. ‘Right, let’s impress the teacher and do this before he gets back tomorrow.’
I sat back in my chair and scanned my eyes down the two columns that I’d feverishly populated for the past forty minutes or so. That had certainly been enlightening. Josh was right and Hannah was right. I really was nothing like how Mum was now. I’d never behave in the way she did or say the cruel things she did. The niggle was that, if I’d done this exercise on Mum pre-pregnancy, the ‘Mum’ column would have read like the ‘Me’ column and that’s what scared me.
My phone rang with an unknown mobile number, making me jump.
‘Hello, Hedgehog Hollow Rescue Centre.’
‘Hi there. My name’s Fizz Kinsella. I know it's really late to call but my cat has just returned from her night-time neighbourhood prowl with one of her special precious gifts for me and I’m not really sure what to do with it. It’s a baby hedgehog.’
‘Is it still alive?’ Please say yes.
‘Oh yes. Jinks is always super gentle with what she catches although it’s usually mice which I end up chasing round the cottage. A hoglet’s a first.’ Her voice was full of energy and I instantly warmed to her.
‘Where are you?’
‘I’m in Great Tilbury but there’s no need for you to come out. I can bring it to you. It’s the least I can do.’
‘That would be really helpful if you don’t mind. Could you do me a favour first? Do you have a garden?’
‘Yes.’
‘Could you check it to see whether there are any other hoglets out there? They could be on the lawn or under some shrubs or they might be in a nest which is more likely to be hidden under a log pile or compost heap. If Jinks has disturbed a nest, their mum won’t return or she might return and eat them, grim as that sounds.’ I kept my voice gentle, not wanting her to think I was angry at her cat for potentially disturbing their nest. It was natural behaviour for a cat and hardly the owner’s fault.
‘That’s gross. Poor things. I’ve got some palettes piled up that my furniture was delivered on. I’ll grab my torch and investigate under those. What if I find them?’
‘Can you bring them all in? Or they’ll be at the mercy of predators who aren’t quite as gentle as Jinks – or their mum.’
I gave her some guidance on keeping hoglets warm but not smothered. When we’d hung up, I plugged in a couple of heat pads in case there was a litter and prepared a crate and some formula. I wasn’t sure how I’d manage on my own if there were several mouths to feed but I’d cross that bridge if it came to it. Maybe I could convince Fizz to help. I didn’t want to have to call on Dad again. He’d done so much recently.
As soon as I heard a car engine, I stepped outside and waved at the driver of the brand new electric-blue convertible Mini Cooper. She skidded the car to a halt near the barn and jumped out.
‘You must be Fizz. I’m Samantha.’
Dressed in a sparkly unicorn T-shirt and with pink hair piled on the top of her head in two messy buns, Fizz looked a lot younger than she’d sounded on the phone although large round glasses added a look of maturity.
‘Oh my God, I’ve so been dying to meet you,’ she gushed. ‘I adore hedgehogs and really wanted to come to your opening day but I had to go to a christening so I missed out.’ She opened the passenger side door. ‘It was just as well you got me to check the garden.’ She lifted out a washing up bowl with a pile of kitchen roll scrunched up in it.
‘How many did you find?’
‘There’s four including the one Jinks had. You were right about her disturbing the nest. I found one on the grass, another near the palettes and another one in some leaves under them.’
‘You did well. Thanks so much for bringing them in. Do you need to rush home because I could use some help if you don’t?’
‘Yes!’ She grinned and punched the air. ‘I was hoping you’d ask me that.’
She handed me the bowl and followed me into the barn, gasping every few steps and commenting on how much she loved something she saw. Her enthusiasm was infectious and gave me a boost of energy.
‘This is so exciting!’ she said as I placed the bowl on the treatment table. ‘You have made my evening!’
I pulled on some gloves and peeled back the kitchen paper. ‘Hello, little hoglets.’ I turned to Fizz. ‘I don’t suppose you know which one your cat had?’
She leaned over and peered into the bowl. ‘That one. It has darker prickles at the back than the other three.’
‘So it does. Thank you.’ I picked it up and ran my finger over its soft tummy. ‘I’m going to start by giving this one a once-over to check for wounds. I know you said Jinks is careful but their skin is still delicate at this stage so it’s best to make absolutely sure.’
‘What can I do?’
‘If you could wash your hands in the sink over there, I’ll get you to help me feed them.’
Fizz was right about Jinks being gentle. There was no sign of scratches or puncture wounds on the one she’d pointed out and, as I placed the others on the heat pad, I gave them a check just in case she’d got them mixed up but they all seemed fine. They were a similar size and stage of development to Leia and Solo so were probably the same age as our first orphans.
‘I’m surprised your cat managed to pick one of them up without it prickling her,’ I said to Fizz when she joined me at the table.
‘I think she was holding it by the belly rather than the spikes.
I tell you what, it gave me ever such a fright. I thought it was a hairbrush or something but then it grew legs and moved!’
I laughed at the thought. ‘That would scare the life out of me too.’ I swept my hand across the four hoglets. ‘The main thing we have to do now is keep these four warm and fed. There are heat pads under these fleeces which means that the ones not being fed can stay warm. Are you happy to have a go at feeding?’
Her eyes shone with excitement. ‘A dream come true. I’ve fed kittens, puppies, piglets, calves, foals and ducklings before but it’s my first time feeding a hoglet. I’m a super quick learner.’
She was. As soon as I’d shown her the best way to handle the hoglets, she capably handled and fed two of them while I worked on the others. They all seemed fairly active, snuffling round on the heat pad without much stimulation from us, so hopefully they were made of sturdy stuff and would all survive. I didn’t feel the same sense of dread that I’d felt with Leia and Solo’s litter.
‘Do you know what sex they are?’ Fizz placed the second hoglet back on the heat pad and lightly stroked her finger along its spines.
‘They’re both female on your heat pad and, on this pad, I’ve got one of each.’
‘How can you tell?’
I lifted up a girl in one hand and a boy in the other and pointed out the difference. ‘We need names for them. We’re working through book and movie characters at the moment. Would you like to do the honours?’
‘Ooh, yes!’ She beamed at me. ‘Can we do Disney? How about Belle, Aurora and Ariel?’ She pointed to each of the girls as she christened them. ‘And Charming for the boy.’
‘All great names. Speaking of which, I love the name Fizz. Is it your actual name or a nickname?’
‘My real name’s Felicity.’ She opened her mouth, pointed to the back of her throat and made a gagging sound. ‘I’m so not a Felicity. I couldn’t say my name when I was little and it came out sounding like ‘Fizz’ instead so that stuck, thank God! At twenty-five, I don’t think I could get away with hair like this or a wardrobe full of sparkly unicorn T-shirts if I was called Felicity, could I?’
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