The good life that I had never even thought to imagine could be possible was actually happening and, so far, it was better than I’d ever imagined.
Chapter 28 – Hope
I heard the door from the garage opening, so I went back to my place in the kitchen where I stood at the stove making scrambled eggs.
I was wearing nothing but an apron. I couldn’t wait to surprise Darren with what I’d cooked up— literally— while he was in town. I could tell it was a big deal for him to venture out into public, and I wanted to celebrate his accomplishment.
“I hope that you brought your appetite, honey,” I said, scooping the eggs onto the plate and turning to place them on the table.
But it wasn’t Darren. It was my mother.
The plates flew out of my hands and landed on the floor with a crash.
“Mom! What are you doing here?”
My heart felt like it was going to explode out of my chest. I just thought for sure that it was Darren coming back. I heard him leave this morning and I wanted to be ready with a sexy surprise when he got back. I never thought that it would be my mother standing there staring at me, mouth gaping wide open, a mixture of hurt and terror in her eyes.
“Hope! What are you doing? Where are your clothes? What’s going on here?”
I instinctively covered up and said, “I can explain…”
“What’s to explain? It’s been five weeks since you’ve left home and I haven’t heard a word from you. I try to call and get no answer. I was worried. I guess that I should have been worried. I was worried for the right reason, much to my dismay. I see you’ve moved in to his house to be a common whore.”
The tears begin again. I hated that it seemed like the last few times that I saw my mother, there were tears. Her tears. And what’s worse is that they had all been caused by me, lately. I hadn’t seen her cry this much in my whole life.
“That’s not what it is at all,” I told her. “And, honestly, it hurts my feelings that you would even say it like that.”
“Well, what am I supposed to think, Hope? I come in and find you half naked in his kitchen like this is just something normal to do. Are you his whore?”
“No! I’m not anyone’s whore! Stop saying that. Please?”
“Well, you please help me make sense of this.”
I was going to have to say something, but I wasn’t quite sure what.
“I’m going to have his baby.”
It was the truth, but I knew that it really didn’t explain the whole situation.
“What do you mean?”
“Just that. I’m going to have his baby. I signed a contract stating that I would have a baby for him and he would pay me for it. I am just upholding my part of the contract. That’s what you got the payment for. It was when I signed the contract.”
My mother stared at me in disgust.
“So, let me get this straight. You agreed to have a baby for this man. You’re having my grandchild… for money?”
The way that she said it made it sound so dirty or cheap. I told her as much. She told me that she didn’t care.
“Mom, you have to understand that this is my life and I am going to make my own decisions.”
“I know, but I feel like you are ruining things for me. Why did you have to do this with one of my clients? And to involve my grandchild? Hope, you know how important family is to me. Why would you do this?”
“I was only trying to help,” I said. And that was the truth.
We argued back and forth for about an hour. She pleaded with me to leave and I refused. I told her the terms of the contract. She told me that she didn’t care about any contract and that she would be willing to give all the money back if I would just leave with her.
I told her that I wasn’t going to leave. She yelled at me, called me all types of names that I never thought that my mother knew, let alone would use on me. When she saw that she wasn’t getting anywhere, she left in a storm of angry tears. I didn’t want her to be hurt, but I did want to stay in Darren’s house.
Part of it was the contract and wanting to keep the terms of my agreement. I had met Wilson, Darren’s lawyer, and knew I could be sued for a lot of money if I didn’t honor the contract. But, the other part was something else.
I knew that Darren would probably let me out of the contract if I really wanted him to. But, I wanted to stay in the contract. I was really starting to have feelings for him and I didn’t want to leave before I found out where things were going to go.
I mean, I did sign an agreement to give him a baby. But, I never expected that I would start to develop real feelings. In fact, I’d signed it saying that I knew we would be over after I had the baby and that I would not develop feelings for him. How someone could promise something like that, I do not know. But I had.
If I were to be completely honest with myself, though, I had already broken the contract. I already had feelings for him. And those feelings started to develop even before I moved into the house.
I needed to stay and figure out where all of this was going. I had a feeling Darren felt the same way about me that I did about him, and I couldn’t just walk out on him now.
For better or worse, I had to admit to myself that this cozy yet isolated mountain cabin had become my home. And Darren’s arms felt as comfortable as everything else in this place. I hoped that my mother could somehow forgive me, but I wasn’t going to leave this house— or him— for anyone.
Chapter 29 – Hope
“What’s wrong?”
The sun was beginning to set when Darren made it back home. He came in to find me crying as I had been for hours. He was worried that something was wrong. And he was right.
“My mom came and I was in the kitchen cooking wearing nothing but a robe. I thought that it would be sexy for you to come home and see me like that. I had no idea that she would be walking in. She called me a whore!”
I collapsed in a fit of tears, unable to speak.
Darren didn’t move or say anything at first.
Finally, he said, “You aren’t a whore.”
The way that he said it was so matter of fact. I knew that he was right, but that didn’t keep my mother’s words from playing over and over in my head.
“I may not be a whore, but my mother is right. This is not the way that I imagined that it would be for me to have my first child.”
The look of disappointment that clouded Darren’s face was visible even through my tears, all the way from across the room. He looked like a balloon that the air had been let out of. His shoulders slumped forward and his head hung down low.
He stood there staring at the floor. I might have thought that he’d fallen asleep if it hadn’t been for him letting out a deep sigh. Then he straightened back up, his broad chest jutted out as if he meant business. He was back into that take charge mode that I adored.
“I hoped that you might start feeling comfortable with our arrangement. I understand that she’s your mother and what she said really hurt you. But, is there any way that you and I can have our understanding and continue with our arrangement? I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make sure that you’re okay. I think that I’ve more than shown that I’ll do that. I can’t have you changing your mind about our agreement every time someone disapproves. This is a strange situation but you’re just going to have to deal with it, or not. But let me know now, please, because I was thinking we had a sure thing going on.”
Now, it was my turn to feel guilty.
“No, I understand. You have been wonderful,” I told him. “But, that’s my mother. My mother is my everything. We have been through so much together. You don’t understand how much it hurt me to see her upset because of something that I’d done. I have been the one to help make her smile when things go wrong, not be the cause of why she cries and gets upset.”
Darren came over and sat at the foot of the bed. He looked at me, his eyes almost begging me to understand him. I felt so torn. I wanted Darren to have what he wanted, wh
at we had already agreed upon, but I also didn’t want to risk losing my mother and our relationship. I didn’t think that I could bear that, especially after already having lost my father.
I was so confused. One minute I was determined to stay, even though it meant hurting my mother, and now I felt lead to go comfort her, even though it meant hurting Darren. Why did I have to choose one over the other.
“I’m so sorry, Darren. I just feel so torn right now. I don’t know what to do.”
There. I’d said it.
He nodded slowly.
“You know what?” he said, resolutely. “Fine. I really don’t want you to do something that you aren’t comfortable doing. And, to be honest, I don’t want to keep getting my hopes up waiting for something that will probably never happen. I think that it might be best for you to just go back home. If you could do me the favor of waiting until after the visit with Bryant, I would appreciate it.”
“I can do that,” I said. “I’ll call my mom and tell her to send the money back to you, too.”
Darren shook his head.
“You won’t do that at all. I said that I wanted to help you and I meant that. Of course, I wish that things would have worked out differently, but I understand where you’re coming from. Plus, I know that you only agreed to this to help your family out of the financial bind that you have been in.”
I looked at him, with mixed feelings of gratefulness and guilt.
“ If you can stay until after the visit with Bryant, that will be you satisfying your part of the agreement in my eyes, for the down payment portion of it at least,” Darren continued. “Even if I can’t have the baby and the life that I want, at least I can pretend for the weekend and have an amazing time with my son. And you can keep the $75,000 that I’d wired.”
I felt terrible, but I was also grateful that he was being so kind. I began to fear my mother would disown me if I went through with this. I only had one family. I couldn’t give up on them. And yet, I couldn’t help but think, I only had one Darren. One guy who had taken my virginity. And stolen my heart in the process.
I hated sitting still without being active. I liked to stay moving rather than wallow in my thoughts. So, I started packing my things so that as soon as the visit with Bryant was over, I could leave quietly. But with each item I packed, my indecision mounted even more.
Should I stay or should I go?
I really couldn’t decide, and I hated that I couldn’t decide.
At least I could do Darren the favor of the visit with his son. We could pretend to be happy for a little longer, before reality shattered our dreams.
Chapter 30 – Hope
The morning of Darren’s visit with Bryant, I woke up early to do some deep cleaning in the house.
“Don’t do that,” said Darren when he saw me moving around the house, pulling things off shelves and dusting.
“No, it’s okay. I want to,” I admitted.
I still felt guilty about the fact that I would be leaving. We hadn’t really talked since we agreed that I would leave. I didn’t really know what to say. Every other minute, I wanted to run to Darren and tell him I’d made up my mind for sure, and that I wanted to stay. But then I worried I’d have second thoughts, which would only make things worse. So I said nothing.
I think that I somehow thought that cleaning would make everything better. At least it gave me something else to focus on rather than my own guilt and the mess that I’d made of everything.
When Darren’s mother and Bryant showed up, I stayed in the room. I wanted to give Darren and his son time to reconnect before inserting a new element into their relationship. I could hear the little boy bounding around the house happily.
“What’s in this room?” he asked, standing on the other side of the door of the room I was in.
“Nothing. Let’s go down here so that I can show you what I got for you.”
I could hear their voices fade away as they walked away from the door.
I started to think that maybe Darren had changed his mind about wanting to introduce me to his mother and son, until several minutes later, when he opened the door slightly and his head popped around the corner. I hadn’t even heard his footsteps on the stairs or outside the door, so I jumped slightly.
He was smiling, though, which made me feel more reassured. I smiled back at him, glad that he wasn’t angry. And second guessing everything, as usual.
“Hey, I just wanted to check on you and make sure that you’re okay,” he said. “They’re in the kitchen right now having some chocolate. I bought it when I was in town, as a gift for him, along with some toys I thought he would like.”
“That was nice of you,” I said, with a genuine smile, but he just shrugged and smiled slightly, as if saying it was the least he could do.
“Would you like to come and join us?” he asked me.
It sounded like a question, but I knew that this was the part of the visit where I was supposed to hold up my end of the bargain.
“Okay,” I said, following him to the kitchen.
“Mother, Bryant, this is Hope, my friend,” said Darren.
Darren’s mother and son both turned to look at me, half eaten squares of chocolate suspended in the air in front of their mouths. From the shocked expressions on their faces, I could tell that neither of them had expected to see me. Darren wasn’t one to have the best social graces. But his face looked excited, and I was glad he was happy to introduce me to them.
“Hello,” I said, stepping forward and waving.
I knew that he’d introduced me as his friend, but I wasn’t quite sure in what capacity that meant. Did he mean like a drinking buddy or more than that? I wasn’t about to specify. I just would follow Darren’s lead.
“Hope has been staying here with me,” he explained to them. “She is kind of a special friend.”
Well, that sure clarified things a little more. But also left open room for a whole bunch of follow up questions.
“Ohhhhhhh,” said his mother, clapping her hands and smiling. “So, you must be the reason why my son has seemed to change into a new person lately. Very nice to meet you, dear.”
“Nice to meet you, too,” I said.
“Are you going to be my new mom?” blurted out Bryant.
“Bryant! That’s not very polite,” said Darren’s mother.
Darren roared with laughter.
“You don’t have to answer that, Hope,” his mother said. “But, I must say that I am very happy that you have done such a good job with my son. I can tell that he’s happier than he’s been in a very long time. For quite a while now, I have had to stand by and watch my son be this broken shell of a man. Now, I see him and he’s smiling and cheerful. He has real hope and I know that you’re the reason for it. Thank you.”
I didn’t know what to say. I felt guilty yet again. I mumbled a “you’re welcome” in her general direction, but then just stared at the floor. I could feel Darren’s eyes on me, watching my every move.
His mom was giving me way too much credit. I was glad to hear that she noticed a positive change in him, but I had a hard time believing that it was all because of me. Maybe I just didn’t want that to be true, because I didn’t want the responsibility of it.
It was nice of her to say the things that she did, though. If it weren’t for the fact that I was going to be walking out of his life in just a few short hours, I might have felt pride in hearing her words.
Instead, her words left me feeling empty and, yet again, torn about what I was going to do next.
Why couldn’t I make up my damn mind?
And, what if I did, only to have my own hopes crushed in the way that I didn’t want to crush Darren’s?
Chapter 31 – Darren
The visit had gone wonderfully. I will never forget the peaceful look on my son’s face as I put him and my mother into the car, him clutching my mother and sleepily protesting their leaving.
What a difference this visit was compared to the
last one. Bryant had actually wanted to stay with me.
I told him that he would be coming back soon enough. And I really meant it—Hope or no Hope. I was a proud father and it was time I started acting like it. Even though he didn’t seem satisfied by my reassurances, he at least smiled long enough to whisper “bye, Daddy,” while waving a chubby hand at me, and then they left, with promises of us being able to video chat the very next day.
As I waved them off and watched the car disappear around the bend, reality began to set in. While I was in the middle of enjoying my son’s visit, I had tried putting out of my head the fact that Hope would be leaving.
But, a man of my word, I went off to find her. She was sitting in her room, surrounded with her things and two empty suitcases. She wasn’t packing. She was just sitting on the edge of the bed curled up with her arms around her legs. She looked worried or sad.
“Here, let me help you,” I said, moving to pick up some of her things and put them into the suitcase.
“Don’t do that!” she yelled, snatching the things from my hand and throwing them to the floor.
“Whoa! What’s going on? I’m only trying to help.”
I put my hands in the air and started backing away. I didn’t want to trigger anything. Maybe it would be best if I just left her alone to pack herself and leave, I thought. I didn’t want to cause a scene. Even if it was only her and I left in the house, I had to remind myself I had built it for peace, and what was going on right now was the exact opposite of that goal.
“No, don’t go,” she pleaded, just as I was about to back out of the room into the hallway.
Now, I was really confused.
“Hope, can you please tell me what’s going on?”
Hope brushed her auburn hair away from her face and turned to face the window. There was nothing to see since it was so dark. I just assumed that she was looking at her own reflection. She was so beautiful, I couldn’t say that I blamed her.
Hold Onto Me_A Secret Baby Romance Page 97