by Nivia Borell
“No, I was too busy watching you sleep.”
The corners of my lips quirk up when I spot two dots of red color emerge on her cheeks.
“Well, I am glad to hear your creepy tendencies remain. You always had a fascination with watching me sleep which I never understood.”
One moment I probe who the woman in my bed is, and the next I hear my Bria rise. To only deepen myself in more trouble, I don’t care who she is, acts, or pretends to be. I still recognize her, and this is the birth of the mother of all problems.
“Because I thought if I saw you while you slumbered, then I would know if it was me in your dreams,” she answers, nibbling on her thumb.
“You were the only thing I ever remembered from my dreams.”
I sense her stir and grab her. “No, stay the night. Stay with me. I’m sure everyone thinks we both left without saying goodbye. We’re safe here. I’m not ready, Bria.”
I believe by now my manhood just bolted through the window, cussing.
“One night, Damien.”
“This is all we’re ever going to have, Bria.”
She sighs but nods and demands, “You have to tell me a story, then.”
“This is not going as you wish, Bria. You can’t give me what you did in the past. Do you remember your answer to my question of what you would do so I would tell you a story?”
She blinks before answering. “Yes, Damien, I do. I said I’d give you anything.”
“But now, it would all be a lie, and we agreed not to dirty the memory of what we had. I’ll give you something else, instead.”
“What, Damien?”
“My top ten memories of us.”
“Only ten?”
Shock transforms her beautiful face as her mouth drops.
“For someone in your position, you are greedy, but you never settled for less than everything, so I can understand your disappointment.”
“I’m not disappointed, but I could never make a top ten for us. Everything we had was magical and precious.”
She places her hand on her chest, hazel eyes delving into mine.
“We only have one night, Bria. Take my top ten or leave them.”
“Fine. So, what was your number one, then, Damien?”
And I burst into laughter, and my whole body vibrates. Leave it to Bria to eat dessert before dinner. And with her intoxicating my very sense and us tangled, all legs and hands and not knowing where one of us begins and the other ends, it is easy to forget this is more a mirage than a reality. We propel years back, young and carefree with love bigger than the length of the universe.
“Bria, this is not how this is going to work, and you know it.”
“Hmm, I don’t think it’s fair, though. What if I fall asleep and don’t hear the first one?”
She crosses her arms, and her lips arch into a pout, and I have almost forgotten how sweet she can be.
“Then you won’t hear it.”
She shakes her head, determination etched in her expression. “No, Damien. In this room, we’ve always respected ten golden rules, and in case you don’t recall them, they are written on the now-dusty list plastered on the door.” Her index finger points at the old piece of paper pinned to the door.
“Then recite them for me, and if you forget even one, then it’s a moot point as I don’t think I will regale you with the story. It’s only fair.”
Her head snaps as her gaze shines with purpose. I feel almost giddy. I am reaching the most pathetic stare known to mankind with every second I spend with her. Her pointing finger dangles in my face, her voice fills with challenge. “I memorialized every one of them, Damien. It was my idea for the rules, after all.”
I catch her hand in mine and entwine our fingers as she becomes somehow pliant next to me.
“Then, let me hear all about them, brainiac.”
She draws her lower lip between her teeth and asks, “From ten to one or from one to ten?”
“Bria, it’s irrelevant. It would thrill me if you remember them all. We are not in school anymore, so you don’t have to recite them in order.” I try for a chastising tone but fail.
She giggles, and it is music to my ears and buckets of paint splashes on the blank canvas of my heart.
Then her body arches with resolve. “I still will say them in order.”
And she recites the rules by heart as I brush her silken palm with my thumb.
“Number one, we never go to sleep while something is bothering us.”
Numbness.
“Number two, we try always to spend quality time in each other’s company.”
Frustration.
“Number three, we never keep secrets from each other.”
Defeat.
“Number four, we never begin our day without kissing each other and saying I love you.”
Cracked heart.
“Number five, our highest priority is to be happy together.”
Destitution.
“Number six, we always pay attention to each other’s needs and wishes and always support each other in our goals, dreams, and life choices.”
She twitches, and I realize my fingers crush hers. When will it stop hurting? I back away as I gulp in some air. Then I fold her hand in mine, brush and trail light kisses on every elegant and soft finger of hers. A thin line of sweat covers her forehead, and her verbal tempo has the speed of a marathon runner. Fuck, we are screwed!
“Number seven, we fall asleep in each other’s arms.”
Her sobbing melds with the deafening pounding in my ears.
“Number eight, we keep disgusting Sophia and Filip with our display of affection.”
Wishful thinking.
“Number nine, we never forget what we represent to each other.”
The voice in my head spits at me. Seal your eyes, your ears, your fucking heart, you stupid idiot! Don’t you have enough?
“Number ten, we will never let something endanger our love and life together.”
We collapse on the bed, two bodies forming an entangled mess. A pang of hurt slams my chest, and when I gaze at Bria’s bowed head, hooded eyes, and lost expression, I’m sure she thinks the same thing—this is what we let happen.
We let something destroy us.
Something we could have prevented.
“What happened, then, Bria? Weren’t these rules supposed to protect our love?”
“I failed the rule I scribbled. It was my rule, Damien, and I ruined it and dishonored the other ones, too.”
She sighs. I sigh.
Welcome to the club of regrets.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the club where you can sigh your heart out. The founders, Bria du Mont and Damien du Sky, welcome you with what? Yes, you have it right… with a sigh.
Well, it is irrelevant. Nothing could change the outcome, so I go on.
“This is my tenth dearest memory, Bria. You came back during your senior year, and your nostrils flared at how shallow everything was and how they all prayed to the god of attention and hedonism. One day they said I love you to one person and the next day, they left that person behind for a new experience. You kept going on about how you didn’t want us to fail and kept asking if what we had was strong enough to last a lifetime. You declared you wanted everything out of life with me at your side.”
“And you gripped me and put us down on the carpet. I was straddling you. You took my face in your hands and said, ‘You can’t compare what we have with others, so stop thinking we’ll somehow fail because we are it for life. You and me, Bria, long after wrinkles dig in our face, skin wobbles, and legs shake. I will still carry you and be smitten with you.’ And you said, ‘Promise it, Damien.’”
“And I swore you were it for me in this life and the ones to come. But still you wanted that damn list of rules. Only after you were satisfied with the results, did you rise and offer me your attention.”
“I think this is why you are so damn good at your job… correction, the best. You started ea
rly with establishing long-term plans, focus on future developments, and always consolidating the existing business activity.” She stills in my arms as I cease talking and peer into her widened eyes.
“What is it?”
“It’s the first time I heard you compliment my work.”
She has to know she’s brilliant. The reports and digits speak for themselves. Why is it so important for her to hear it from me, though? I guess since this whole night is a first, I say, “Never doubt yourself, Bria. You are brilliant. I would have never come so far without you. There’s no one better in the entire company. We wouldn’t be where we are today if not for you. And I don’t need a top one hundred yearly ranking of the most successful businesswomen. For me, you are number one and not twenty-eight. But, I’ll let it slide since it’s the first time they’ve acknowledged you.”
Blood rushes to her cheeks, and she tilts her head to the side nibbling on her lower carnal lip.
“Damien… you read that magazine?”
“I framed it and placed it in my safe. I am proud of you.”
Her voice hushes when she answers, “Thank you, Damien. I have to keep up with you.”
“No, it’s the other way around. I thought I was a machine, but you proved me wrong.”
“I wouldn’t change a thing.”
“Some would say what we have is no life at all.”
“Work is my life,” she states, and it doesn’t bode well with me. I run a hand down my face and say, “I was so in love with you. Deep inside, I knew we would rock everything life threw at us. Maybe we let our guard down. Well, either way, we backslid, didn’t we?”
“I failed, not you. Never you.”
“Stop it, Bria. It was us… well, yes, it was you, but maybe I did something wrong. I keep asking myself if I could have prevented it somehow. In a team, you succeed and fail together.”
“Damien, I beg you, stop. Don’t you get it? It was me. Blame me. You were perfect, every girl’s fantasy boyfriend.”
“So why, Bria? Then, why wasn’t I enough in the end?”
This one question wrecks my self-confidence as doubt creeps inside myself. Bria made me take in alcohol for months. Why the hell wasn’t I enough for her? What did I lack when I gave her my all?
Bria massages her temples as she shuts her eyes and utters, “I don’t know. I can’t call to mind. My answer will never change, Damien. You can ask me hundreds of times, but there’s no other response, and you have to accept it.”
“How does anyone accept it? When what you have planned for your whole life with the love of your life is ripped from you in one night, and you’re stranded in a damn purgatory. How do you come to terms with it?”
Message to whoever said confessions are good for healing and moving on—fuck you. I have been doing fine in my denial phase. Can someone tell me when adulthood begins? I feel like a fucking cry-baby. I vault to the bathroom and plunge my face in cold water. Droplets of water run down my chin as I grip the sink and try to shake the beaten image of myself in the mirror. My normally perfect styled hair points in all directions, dark circles surround my bloodshot eyes, and my shoulders sag. I only need to peer through the door to look at the reason for my disarray. One moment she lays on bed, the next my senses launch as I stare at Bria leaning on the doorframe clutching at the ends of her dress pointing to the toilet. I nod to her in the glass reflecting her image. Before I pass her way, she grips my hand. She cranes her neck, teeth jabbing in her lower lip, as I shut my eyes as the warmth of her touch melts any logical thoughts, and she then asks, her voice croaked, “Do you want me to leave, Damien?”
Say yes you fool. I try to coerce the words out, but my throat clenches them in. I only shake my head and let her have her privacy.
I crack the door to the minibar in the corner of the room and grab two bottles of water. I gulp half of its contents as I wipe my mouth with the back of my hand. Bria emerges from the bathroom moments later. It’s hilarious how we tiptoe around the other. I offer her a bottle and stare as she takes a few sips, an image of a little bird pops into my mind. She is so damn beautiful. Frustrated with myself, I rush for the safety of the bed. The irony isn’t lost on me.
I cross my arms behind my head as I recline against the pillows. Bria hops to her spot next to me, and then I continue, “So, number nine on the list is one of the most embarrassing moments of my life.”
“Oh, Damien, please say it’s not what I think it is.” She covers her eyes with her hand, and peeks at me from between her fingers, and I chuckle.
“As you recall, I withdrew from you when you turned fourteen. My hormones were splattered all over the place. With the bit of control I still possessed, I decided to ensure my sanity. I stopped sleeping with you by my side.”
Bria slaps my abdomen, and my muscles constrict, and then she puffs, “The number of excuses you made, Damien. It was hilarious until it stopped being funny and angered me.”
She pierces me with a look and adds, “You’d say, ‘Oh, Bria, I will be asleep long before you arrive,’ although we both knew you wouldn’t. ‘Bria, I’ve got homework to do, and I don’t want interruptions,’ although it had never stopped us before. And the best was, ‘I have friends coming over, and it’s a boys’ night, no girls allowed.’”
The theatrical gestures of her hands and scrunched nose ignite a small smile in the corner of my mouth.
“My limbs were in knots that I would lose you. I even changed my whole wardrobe so you would notice me again.”
“Seeing you all dressed up, asking me if I liked it, made me growl and drill my fist into my mouth. You always had an effect on me, but one day, I could only see your legs and your expanding chest, and you were very generous in showing a bit of them every time you came to visit.”
“I did it on purpose.”
Pride echoes in her words. Was it around that time when she put the leash around my neck? No, I’m sure it was the moment she returned my first gaze. I go on, trying to find my lost manhood.
“Then, I was too concerned with the behavior of the lower part of my body and too engrossed in following every idiot’s gaze directed at you to realize your ploy. I didn´t know how to act around you, torn by nagging questions if you loved me the same, or just wanted to go on as always”
“Damien, I did not understand what was going on. We had been inseparable, and then one day you withdrew from me.”
“But I didn’t stand a chance with you, did I, Bria? In the middle of July, one day you stormed into my room and said I had two options. I could either come with you or you would scream in my ears, and we both knew the capacity of your lungs. I recall saying, ‘Give in, you fool, she has you by the balls, anyway!’”
She giggles, and the sound is worth losing every damn battle, including my testosterone.
“The entire ride with the moped to our place I prayed for that damn thing to break. When we reached the green spot where we had sworn to tell each other the truth, with the old mountain oak as our witness, sweat rolled down my spine.”
Bria crosses her hands over her chest and says, “Oh, believe me, I had received the whole freak-out vibe loud and clear, but I’d had enough of your attitude and had to save what we had.”
Her words remind me of her fierceness and stubbornness, and the chains she put around my heart tighten. “As we were leaning against the tree, I asked the stupidest question in the history of stupid questions… why are we here? You flashed your milky teeth and said it was so we could enjoy the awkwardness between us in another place for a change. You slumped on the ground with your arms hugging your feet eyeing the swans on the lake and picking at the grass. With your eyelids drooped and the corners of your mouth downturned, you looked so vulnerable, so weary, and I hated the sadness clouding your expression. At then it hit me what an idiot I have been to you. I blurted it all out.
“I told you I was afraid you didn’t want the same things anymore and that your feelings had shifted with time. I raved on about how beautiful yo
u were in every sense, and you should never doubt my feelings for you.
“You asked me what I was waiting for, and I said I was waiting for your permission to take what was mine and to begin a new chapter.”
“And I gave it to you. Boy, did I give it to you.”
Bria bites the inside of her cheeks, and her head tilts to the side, her gaze drifting off, and I admit, “Nibbling on your lips set my body on fire. After one taste, your cherry flavored mouth became my addiction. When you opened your lips in invitation, I dived into my future. Your smooth skin on my curious fingers felt like satin. To fondle you, to put my fingerprints on every single part of you and leave trails of love and scorching possession settled the dawn of a new mania. “
Her hazel eyes find mine, and they shine with emotion. “I confessed I had loved you ever since I could remember.”
This woman undoes me, time and time again.
“I’ve met so many people, Bria, but somehow I’ve never found a fool in love like me. I concluded my love for you was out of this world, and it shattered me when I tumbled from the highest peak possible. Everything was perfect for the next four years of our lives… and then you ruptured every single tissue in me.”
“In me, too, Damien. You were never alone, baby…” Bria snuggles against me, and it sets my whole body on fire.
DAMIEN
This woman peels me bare. Her words rattle my walls. Don’t let her faze you, Damien! Control yourself! I shake her words off and say, “This leads me to my number eight memory. We were living in our happy bubble again, and everything was right with the world until you turned fifteen, and we woke up to face the ambush on the sex talk with our parents.”
“By my fifteenth birthday, they must have been desperate to do it.”
We both bobble our heads before I answer, “I think they were giving us some time to adapt to being a couple first, Bria.”
“We strolled right into the lion’s den, Damien.”
“Our fathers’ faces were ashen as if they were harboring a sickness, and our mothers were clutching their hands on the couch on the living room.”