by Nivia Borell
She traces my brows and lets her finger roam all over my face as tingles explode from within me. “You can curse and snarl all you want. I know your soul, Damien, and souls stay true even when we quench their essence. I once felt your love penetrating every cell of my being. One day when you drop the pain and make peace with yourself, you´ll let yourself have everything we didn´t get.”
This woman... if someone analyses my DNA, they will find even there the bruises she inflicted. Does she believe the bullshit she tries to feed me? She altered everything in me… there’s nothing left of the boy she memorializes. I’ll make her witness the man who emerged from her betrayal, it’s the only way. She buried my soul along with hope and trust. What is a human without these? A robot framed in the flesh.
“Bria, stop assuming things and let your guilt rest. Or go ahead and fool yourself into some sick peace by believing I’ll have a family.”
“Please, Damien... don’t be like this.”
Frustration rings loud and clear in her tone, while mine roars inside me. I shake my head in disbelief. She really is something.
“Fuck it, then, and let’s end this stupid conversation because it leads us nowhere. Let me stay in the time we enjoyed our first and only home in London when we had it all.”
My chest rises and falls with the exertion of wandering through the memories.
She disentangles from my arms and straddles me. Her eyes go wide and sparkle with a plea as she chews on her lips, and her fingers play with the buttons of my shirt.
Here we go again as I prepare my body to go rigid any moment. I know that look on her face too damn well. In the past, it brought me to my knees. Now she has to do better.
“Can you give me a key to it? I would like to see it again.”
I don’t feel like laughing, so I shout, “Over my dead body, Bria. You’ll have the key after I am six feet under the ground. It’s stipulated in my will if you are still alive, you can have it.”
She gasps and places her fingers on my cheeks. “Damien, I have a right to it, and you can’t forbid me things like this.”
I remove her fingers from me as she drops her eyes. “Oh, I can, and I will. Do you want to test your theory, Bria? You lost the right long ago, and I can’t let you taint that home by ambling in there as if nothing happened. There’s only one owner, me, since I bought it.”
“So only you are allowed to go inside. How suiting.”
I don’t let my anger over her evident disapproval catch me in its claws. Instead, I jerk on my bottom, grip her so she won’t lose balance and I’m in her face, almost nose to nose, and growl, “I stopped going there or living there the moment I caught you in bed with someone else. I have a place far away from it.”
Did she just cross her arms and squint at me? She has balls, maybe I should trade mine with hers.
“Well, at least you didn’t bring all those women to our place.” She shoves me and then tilts her face to the side, nostrils flaring.
“But this is what I should have done, but I didn’t. I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I followed your example. You had the decency to fuck someone else in a hotel room and not bring him to any of our places, so it was decent of me to have a neutral playground as well,” I roar, and her head snaps to me, eyes drilling into mine.
“So, screwing everything with legs was decent?”
I raise my hands in the air, frustration oozing from me in waves. “No, that was fucking amazing. Decent was my decision to bring them to a place we have never shared. What the fuck, Bria, I’m not the bad person here.”
“No, you’re just a male whore.” Her fingers dig into my chest, and I notice she’s fighting back tears.
“Is the pot calling the kettle black, Bria?”
I know I’ve hit a soft spot by the way her body shudders, and her lower lip trembles.
“You know nothing about it, and it’s for the best, believe me.”
I clasp my hands on her shoulders, and say, “I know what I know, and there’s nothing that can change reality. Or have I remembered it wrong, and it did not happen? Look me in the eyes and say, ‘Damien, you didn’t catch me bare-skinned with a naked man in the bed in a hotel room.’ Say it, and I’ll erase everything and put my life on your altar again. Say it, damn it!” I pluck the ends of my hair shooting arrows at her as I dare her to lie to me in my face.
She slumps on her back and goes limp. I can hear her breathing slow and sparse and then it seems to halt. The eerie silence that follows sends shivers down my spine. Every fiber in me constricts as I lurch on her with inhuman speed. I shake her and scream at her, “Bria, baby, breathe, come on, breathe for me.”
For seconds, my heart beating suspends. When she drags a lungful of air into her body, I exhale a breath I kept too long inside and slump on my bottom.
She heaves her body into a sitting position. Her breathing evens, and some color begins to spread on her fairy face.
My body feels like jelly, my brain is fuzzy. She lumbers off the bed and arranges her dress before she murmurs, “It must have been some kind of panic attack.” With a wave of her hand, she brushes it off.
I don’t know which thing pisses me off more as I regain some control in my body.
Something eludes me, but what? What, damn it?
Whatever she notices in me makes her feet dart toward me. She perches on the edge of the bed where I stand petrified. She caresses my face, her icy fingers jolting me, and croaks, “Damien you have to let me go, us go...”
Anger floods me, This is all I have left, doesn´t she realizes it. Yet, I do what any other stupid man in my position would do—I comfort her. I shelter her in my arms and stroke her golden-brown hair and keep asking if she’s all right over and over again.
“Damien, please. It’s okay. I’m fine. You’ve always freaked out when something’s not right with me.”
“Can you imagine how I feel now?
She offers me a small, sad smile, her eyes filled with understanding but says nothing. With my heart in my throat I ask, “Are they frequent?”
“Define frequent, Damien? It happens when I’m overwhelmed by various emotions all at once, and I’m not capable of controlling them for a while.”
“Have you consulted a doctor about it?”
A grim laugh escapes her lips. “Don’t worry, Damien. I have everything under control.”
“Why don’t I believe you, then?”
“Can you just let it go?”
The plea surfacing in her eyes has me nodding with a clenched jaw.
“You’re not well. My gut shouts you’re telling me a bunch of crap. I wonder how your lover boy copes with you.”
She crawls toward the end of the bed, her hands wrapped around her flat stomach. “It’s none of your concern. Do you honestly want to talk about the people in our lives because I could ask you the same question. How does Monica put up with the ass you have become?”
The pain and the betrayal flashing in her eyes make my heart sink to the pit of my stomach. Rage roars through me as she has no right to make me feel like a traitor. By now she shouldn’t make me feel at all. And still…
“I fuck her through nine heavens, Bria. It would be one of many aspect—” I spit, but I don’t get to finish my sentence, her hand slams to her heart, eyes wide and teary as she vaults to her feet. When her eyes scan for her high heels, something gives way in me as the realization smashes me in the face.
I spring from the bed and get on my knees in front of her and put my hands on her thighs and plead like the moron I am. “Please, Bria, I’m not ready to let you go. Just stay with me, baby, just for a little while longer. I lied. You kill me, Bria. Don’t you see how shattered I am? Do you see this man in front of you? I’m a ghost, Bria, and sarcasm and cruelty are how I cope with it. I wake up every day, and it’s another day without you. I’m this man today because I’ve lost the light you brought to my life, Bria.”
She kneels in front of me, and her heart-wrenching sobs wreck me. I do
n’t know if she sobs for her, for me, or for both of us, but her wails are knives dragging through my heart. And the next thing I do is what I’m no longer able to control. I kiss her swollen eyes, teary cheeks, and wobbling lips. I put her back together with a long kiss, and I have to have her because, in this instant, I realize she still loves me. In a broken and mad way, this woman is still in love with me, and I’m sure she isn’t even aware of it. It makes this whole messed-up scenario bearable. For one night, let the consequences be damned.
“Bria, baby, look at me.” She tilts her head, and I see myself reflected in her sad, welled-up eyes. We’re both naked and vulnerable in front of each other once again.
“Let me make love to you, baby, and I will give you more than memories. I will give you us again in this present time where we’re no longer together. Let me love you one more time for all the times I’ll never be able to love you again. Give me one night in which I can breathe and feel something more than ugliness and darkness. I’m begging you, Bria, because right now I don’t know if I’ll ever find my sanity again. Let me heal us for a little while. Let this one time be our forever in eternity.”
And for the first time in a long time, I catch a sparkle in her eyes, and a mesmerizing smile unfolds on her beautiful face. An uncontrollable need to feel something else for just a while… with her, just her, forever her, engulfing me.
“Damien, just give us something beautiful. Please.”
She grips my hand in hers and kisses each of my fingers. Her voice trembles with subjection, breaking something inside me and allowing something lost and forgotten to reappear—the need to love.
“Damien… you’re the only man I’ve ever loved. Here I am before you with a broken heart and spirit with all I’ve done, with all my mistakes and shattered love and dreams. So, please, baby, don’t mock me in this state. I literally don’t know if my heart can take it. If I feel your hatred…” tears stream from her eyes, “… I don’t know if I can survive it.”
With a hushed voice and craned neck, she continues, “What’s it going to be, Damien? Are you delivering the last push or not? Because I don’t think you’ll get another shot like this one, which I made so easy for you.”
Her openness, her sunken posture, and the way we are right now reinforces my desire for something beautiful after all the ugliness we both have witnessed. I pick her up in my arms and carry her to my bed. The way she cements herself to my chest, I pine at the rightness of it. The link between us is so light, but strong enough to keep us both together and bathes me in warmth. The whole ritual of carrying her is a good way to end the story of one of my dearest memories.
“Don’t you see it, Bria? At this moment, when you’ve surrendered yourself to me, you have broken me, baby. With your touch, with your kiss, and with your tears, you made the monster inside me go to sleep. I don’t know for how long, but I can promise you one thing… as long as he is asleep, I will love you, Bria, and I’ll make love to you. Will you accept me inside you even though I can’t promise you more?”
Her tiny nod makes my heart soar.
“I’m incapable of denying you anymore, and if this is all we’ll ever have again, it makes it all the more worth risking. And I won’t only accept you as long as your beast is asleep, I will also try to wake up my heart for you for these precious and unique moments.”
I settle her on her feet beside the bed, and with the moon illuminating the room and her pristine face, I begin to undress her. With trembling fingers, I unzip her sheath dress, and when it’s off, she stays there in her nude lace bra and panties. Bria swings from one foot to the other with her fingers clasped together. Meanwhile, I admire every inch of her goddess, creamy-like body. A gasp leaves my mouth when I discover on her exquisite frame, the lines of the same tattoo inked on my chest glancing back at me. I reach out to touch it, but she flinches away taking a step back and shrieks, “Don’t touch it, Damien, please. Don’t kiss it, either. Promise me.”
“I promise, Bria.”
I don’t know why she’s so adamant about it, but I have no time to figure it out. I rip my shirt off so she can detect the same pattern engraved on my skin. As she stares at it, her mouth gaping and her hand flying to her chest, the realization hits us both with full force—we will never be rid of each other. We will always somehow be stuck in this hell-like purgatory. My patience evaporates after hours of denying what it craves, and I lunge to her as I kiss and fondle her, avoiding the area around her chest. She unbuckles me and peels off both my pants and black boxers, freeing my erection pressing against her soft stomach. It will have to wait as I’m not finished exploring her luscious body after such a long time. It’s been years of deprivation and longing.
I unhook her bra with one snap of my thumb and forefinger as I take one pebbled nipple in my mouth, biting and licking as my thumb twitches the other in teasing strokes until she shudders. As I expect, she moans, “Please, Damien, it’s too much.”
“It’s far from it, Bria, and you know it, baby. I decide when you’re ready.”
“But I am, Damien, please…”
I keep tormenting her with my tongue and digit until she’s a mindless mess of bodily sensations. I move my hand down and begin to circle the little bud she’s desperate for me to touch. In a raspy voice, with a wanton expression plastered on her face, and clutching my shoulders, she gasps, “You don’t play fair, Damien.”
“I never said I would, Bria. I love the way you respond to my touch, baby. It makes me wild with desire. Tell me, what do you need?”
She flushes, always so coy, and my body explodes with lust. “You, Damien. Just you.”
“But you have me, Bria. What else? What do you need me to do? Have you forgotten how we used to play?”
I keep pushing her because I know when she can’t take any more of my tempting her, the outcome will be worth the teasing.
“You know too well what I need you to do. You… just… enjoy… it… too… much… when… you… make… me… all… flushed… and… torment… me… this… way. Just touch me, Damien, where I need you to touch me. Her voice throbs with every new moan she delights me with as I keep a fast rhythm only to halt abruptly. Her eyes slice me with irritation, and I flash her a charming smile. I slip off her panties and trail kisses all over her bare, silky legs. On my knees once again, I lift her leg and place it on my shoulder, my tongue venturing up her thigh near her wet and tantalizing entrance as she screams in frustration. She has no idea how much her reaction heats my blood.
“What, baby? What’s wrong?”
“Oh, Damien du Sky, you are so cruel.”
A smile spreads in the corners of my mouth. “Then say it, Bria, and your wish is my command.”
“Put your mouth on me, already.”
She grips my hair and yanks it back. My eyes catch her black pupils enveloping the hazel color surrounding them, and my lust skyrockets. “As you wish.”
I feast on her like a famished man, licking and nipping at her sensitive flesh as she trembles in a frenzy. I feel her sweet release exploding on my tongue as she shatters in pieces around me. But I’m not done, so I curl my fingers in and out of her, one and then two until they’re slick with her wetness.
“Please, Damien, I can’t take it anymore.”
Her knees wobble, and I grasp her thighs.
“I know you can, so come for me again, Bria. Scream my name to the sky, baby!” A few minutes later, this is what she does as her tightness sucks at my fingers and keeps them imprisoned. Her shouting my name has my insides jump in victory.
“Are you satisfied, Bria… or rather exhausted?” I ask, incapable of not nudging her, knowing she would never back down from a challenge.
“You wish,” she teases me right back.
“Well, good for you. I have every intention of testing you.”
I wink, and her next words have me speed up faster than a Formula One race car driver.
“I need to feel you inside me, Damien. Now, right now.”
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br /> I jack her up as she lets a squeal out and flip her on the bed. She sucks on her finger and opens her legs for me as I roar and thrust into her snug warmth. The hiss she lets out and her tight channel screw with my brain. She feels the same, my tight home. I pull myself out of her, and then, just to feel the maddening pleasure of widening her, I slide inch by amazing inch inside her. I’m a lost man in the land of hyper heights as I seal my eyes in pure abandon.
“Please, just please,” she moans, and her nails bite into my skin.
I mark her with every domineering and merciless thrust. With every move of my hips, we shudder, our eyes connected, and we both realize we have accomplished only one thing with our lovemaking session—ruining each other all over again—but it doesn’t suspend us from chasing the high we both desire.
She shifts us, and my back hits the mattress as she takes charge and climbs on top of me. Seeing her displayed for me while her round breasts bounce in front of me is a fantastic image. She rides me into mindlessness. I find her bud and circle it until she shouts my name again. My release comes in powerful waves as I buckle under her. When I see my release pouring out of her on me, the animal in me roars with satisfaction. With my ego quenched, my heart flutters leaving me flabbergasted as she collapses on my chest breathing heavily.
After we settle back down, I claim her twice more trying to satiate my growing hunger, and every time we find another pleasure peak, our releases come with more force than the last time. I make sure her body will never forget how it feels when I drive inside her. I don’t stop in my pursuit of branding her and ruining her in the most delicious way possible. I’m reduced to a savage, and she tames me by embracing me whole while not even considering the use of protection as I spill inside her.
I don’t want to imagine what’s going on in her head if she thinks I do this with every woman. This is what she’s always done to me—she shuts off my analytical brain. I forget everything around me, not even caring about using a condom, my number one rule when it comes to sex.
We had both agreed when we began to make love and had never used another form of protection except the pill. And this was lovemaking, not sex. I could differentiate it by now.