by Jason Segel
—
The exam room door opened, and a powerful odor filled the shop. It smelled like a mixture of rotten eggs, baby powder, and cilantro, and it made Charlie gag.
“So rub the ointment all over him three times a day,” Charlotte was saying. “I’m afraid there’s nothing much you can do about the smell. But the rash should be gone by Tuesday.”
“Thank you, Ms. Laird,” Mrs. Tobias said, managing to sound completely ungrateful.
“My pleasure. Just make sure Ollie doesn’t go rooting around under any more hedges.”
The look the woman gave Charlie’s stepmother could have killed. Charlotte countered with her most innocent smile.
“I owe you one, Charlie,” Ollie whispered, still scratching his rash as he passed.
“No problem,” Charlie told him. Thanks to him, Ollie wouldn’t be crawling under any more bushes. But Charlie couldn’t find the heart to celebrate. Ollie’s mother was the one with the money, and she couldn’t have been more furious.
“Well, seems like we just lost another customer,” Charlotte said, watching with satisfaction as the Tobias woman stomped away. “And for once, I couldn’t be happier.” She put a hand on Charlie’s shoulder. “You did good today. Who knows how many times Oliver would have had to come back if it weren’t for you.”
Charlie frowned. Mrs. Tobias would never again set foot in Hazel’s Herbarium, and it was all because of him. He was hurting the place, not helping it.
But Charlotte didn’t notice Charlie’s frown. She was busy tidying shelves she’d already tidied once that morning. “So how was your lunch break with Alfie?” she asked. “Was it doughnuts or ice cream today?”
Charlie instantly perked up. He’d almost forgotten. “We went to the ice cream shop, and something really weird happened.” That was all he needed to say. Charlotte pulled up a stool across the counter from him and sat quietly while Charlie told her the story.
“I think you can relax,” Charlotte announced once Charlie had finished. “Whatever the guy was, he wasn’t a Nightmare.”
“How do you know?” he asked. He’d figured as much, but it was best to be sure.
“Well, first of all, you said the man started bleeding after he hit his head. I’m pretty sure Nightmares don’t bleed. Second, you said the ambulance guys had him hooked up to all their machines. It would have been pretty clear to them if the guy wasn’t human.”
She made an excellent case, Charlie had to admit. “So what do you think was wrong with him?”
“Can’t say for certain,” Charlotte said, tapping the counter as she thought. “He might have been under the influence of some medication. Or maybe he’s always been a little bit weird. Who knows?” She paused. “You did check that the portal is closed, didn’t you?”
“Of course,” Charlie told her.
“Then stop worrying so much!” His stepmom leaned over the counter and pinched his cheek. “There are no monsters in Cypress Creek.”
“Don’t be so sure about that,” said a voice behind her. The herbarium’s door had swung open. Charlie’s dad was standing in the entrance with Charlie’s little brother, Jack, by his side.
No one would ever have guessed that Andrew Laird, with his scholarly glasses and well-groomed beard, was the oddball of the family. But of the four of them, he was the only one who was unable to see the portal. As far as Charlie’s dad knew, the book his wife had written was nothing but fiction. He had no idea that the creatures described in it were real.
Charlotte had made it perfectly clear to both Charlie and Jack that she didn’t want their dad to know the truth about the house. The portal chose who was able to see it, she said. Some of the chosen called their ability a gift. Others called it a curse. But one thing was certain—it was a lifelong burden. And she didn’t want the man she’d married to ever bear its weight.
Charlotte jumped up and planted a kiss on her husband’s cheek. “You’ve seen a monster in Cypress Creek?” she asked playfully, though Charlie could tell she was nervous.
Andrew Laird shook his head. “I don’t know if it was a monster, but there’s something strange wandering the woods around here. You wouldn’t believe the thing Jack and I spotted limping through the forest outside town about an hour ago.”
“Werewolf, maybe?” Charlotte forced a laugh.
Charlie tried to laugh too, but nothing came out. His heart was beating so fast that he felt light-headed.
“Nope,” Jack said. “If you ask me, it looked a lot like a zombie.”
The second Charlie fell asleep, the zombies found him. He should have expected it. He’d been thinking about the walking dead all day long. It made perfect sense that he’d end up meeting them that night in his dreams.
There were three of them in various stages of decay. One was an elderly lady named Maude, and the second was a teenage boy with a perfectly shaved head who insisted on going by the name Buzz. It was impossible to tell if the third zombie was male or female. The Walgreens name tag still pinned to its shirt read MORGAN. Within seconds, they’d circled and surrounded Charlie. He made a mental note to offer them a few tips on respecting people’s personal space.
“Hey, buddy.” Buzz offered his hand. Charlie shook it and pretended not to notice when three of the teenage zombie’s fingers snapped off. “ ’Bout time you came to see your old friends.”
“We were sure you’d forgotten us,” said Maude. Charlie could tell that she wanted to hug him—and probably would have if she’d had any arms.
“I wouldn’t worry too much about that,” Charlie assured her. “You guys are pretty unforgettable. It’s just that most of the time when I visit the Dream Realm, I try to spend time with my mom. How’s this place working out for you guys, anyway?”
Charlie had encountered the zombies on his adventures in the Netherworld. Since then, they’d retired from their nightmare careers and chosen to become dreams. While humans went to the Netherworld to face their fears, the Dream Realm was where people could relive good memories and experience all of their hopes and desires. Charlie wouldn’t have guessed there would be a place for zombies in the Dream Realm, but zombies turned out to be rather popular. Morgan and Maude specialized in Halloween memories, while Buzz’s expertise was video game walk-throughs.
“I’d like the Dream Realm a whole lot better if those crazy rabbits weren’t always hanging around,” Morgan said in a decidedly masculine voice, gesturing toward a bunch of white bunnies that were chomping away at a clump of clover. One turned around as if it had overheard, revealing a head that featured nothing but a gaping mouth filled with razor-sharp teeth. “Boy, those things really give me the heebie-jeebies. Who’s ever had a good dream about something like that?”
Charlie bit his lip and wondered if the zombie had ever looked in a mirror. Until you got to know him, Morgan was every bit as horrifying as the bunnies.
“Don’t mind that old grump,” Maude advised. “He always finds something to kvetch about when he’s bored.”
“Bored?” Charlie asked.
“Yeah, it’s been kinda dull around here lately,” Buzz told him. “We had a cameo in your friend Rocco’s dream last Sunday, but other than that…” He ended the sentence with a miserable shrug. “I guess I was expecting a little more action on this side.”
“Well, I’m here to see you!” Charlie said, trying to cheer up his friend. “And since I’m here, I could use some advice.”
“From us?” Maude sounded thrilled.
“We’re all ears,” said Morgan, who was missing both of his.
Charlie told them about the man he and Alfie had seen. He even mimicked the guy’s shuffling and grunting, but when he’d finished his performance, the zombies were shaking their heads.
“Your stepmother was right. The gentleman wasn’t a Nightmare,” Maude said. She revealed a rather gruesome wound on her shoulder. “Creatures like us don’t really bleed. All the gore that humans see in their nightmares is strictly showbiz.”
�
�Look, no pupillary reflex either,” said Morgan, leaning in close so that Charlie could examine a bloodshot eyeball.
“Yeah, and the last thing any self-respecting Nightmare would do if he got to the other side is buy a bunch of paint.” Buzz’s laugh sounded a little crazed, and the look in his eyes would have made most people uncomfortable. But Charlie wasn’t worried. He knew he was perfectly safe. No real harm would ever come to him in the Dream Realm.
“So what do you think was wrong with the guy?” Charlie asked. “And why would anyone drive all the way from Orville Falls just to go to the Cypress Creek hardware store?”
Buzz stopped laughing, and all three of the zombies froze. Charlie could tell that something had taken the walking dead by surprise.
“What did I say?” he asked.
“The man you were describing is from Orville Falls?” Maude asked cautiously.
“Yeah,” Charlie said, feeling more on edge than ever. “You guys know the place?”
The zombies traded glances.
“Come with us,” said Morgan. “There’s something you should see.”
Charlie followed the zombies as they lumbered through the magnificent Dream Realm. It was brighter than the sunniest summer day, and everything around him seemed to shimmer and glow with the warmth of a million fond memories. Though his mission couldn’t have been more serious, Charlie felt his spirits soar as they cut through Cypress Creek’s annual radish festival, passed the giant tree in front of the library as it was being decorated with Christmas lights, saw a pack of little kids constructing an enormous snowman, and watched the sky above them explode with Fourth of July fireworks.
“Did you notice how many people are here?” Morgan asked. “I’d say more than half of your town is in the Dream Realm right now.”
Charlie looked around and saw quite a few familiar faces. “Hey, is that Cypress Creek Elementary?” He pointed to a boxlike building in the distance. The playground beside it was alive with little figures crawling up the jungle gym and dangling from the monkey bars. “What’s going on over there?”
“It’s like that every night,” Buzz said. “Since the last principal disappeared, that school has been rocking.”
“And look. Over there to your left,” said Maude.
Charlie found himself peering into the window of Cypress Creek’s ice cream parlor. Alfie was perched on a stool inside. In front of him was the biggest banana split ever created.
“It's nice to have your friend Alfie back,” said Morgan. “That used to be his favorite place, but we haven’t seen him there in a while.”
“Let’s just say he’s been dreaming a lot about the weather lately,” Charlie said with a laugh, but none of the zombies seemed interested. Charlie sealed his lips and followed silently as they left Cypress Creek behind. They kept traveling for a while, until Maude suddenly came to a stop.
“This is it,” she announced.
“Yep, we’re here,” Morgan confirmed, taking a place at her side.
Buzz shuddered. “I’m feeling kinda freaked out right now,” he said.
Charlie looked around, trying to figure out what was making Buzz so nervous. They were at the edge of a flowery park in the center of a different town. A lovely white courthouse stood at one end, and a fountain shot streams of water into the air. It was the sort of place where people should gather. Charlie could imagine little kids running barefoot through the grass, and picnickers lounging on blankets. But as lovely as it was, there was something eerie about it all. Then Charlie realized what was making goose bumps break out on his arms. Aside from the fountain, the place was perfectly silent and still. There were no birds tweeting or katydids chirping. No squirrels scampering up the trees or dogs watering flowerbeds. And there wasn’t a single dreamer to be seen.
“This used to be a really popular spot in the Dream Realm,” said Buzz. “I mean, come on. Look at the place! It’s so cute, I could hurl. Can you imagine how many good memories must have been made around here? And now it’s like something right out of the Netherworld.”
“The Dream Realm can’t exist without dreamers,” Maude said, turning to Charlie. “And there hasn’t been a dreamer here for at least a week. See how the town is starting to fade?”
Now that she’d mentioned it, Charlie noticed that the edges of the buildings were a little bit blurry. The water in the fountain seemed to evaporate in midair. Even the flowers weren’t quite as vibrant as they should have been.
“I don’t understand,” Charlie said, spinning around to face the zombies. “What is this place? Why did you bring me here?”
“This is the Dream Realm’s Orville Falls,” said Morgan.
“What’s happened to it?” Charlie asked, remembering how busy the Dream Realm’s Cypress Creek had been. “Where has everyone gone?”
“We don’t know,” Maude said. “Nothing like this has ever happened before.”
“But I think one thing’s clear,” Morgan added. “Something’s not right in Orville Falls.”
It was Sunday morning, and Charlie was lying awake when he felt the beast pounce on his bed. Slowly, step by step, it slinked over the covers, making its way toward his head. Charlie closed his eyes and remained perfectly still. He waited patiently until the fat, fur-covered monster was just about to take its favorite seat on Charlie’s sleeping face. Then, at the perfect moment, he sat bolt upright.
“Ha!” he shouted at the beast. “Got you!”
Caught in the act, Charlotte’s evil cat, Aggie, let out an angry yowl, sprang off the bed, and dashed for the door.
Charlie lay back down on the pillows. He’d never been able to figure out how the cat managed to open his bedroom door. But this morning, he had far bigger concerns than ninja felines. He had to find a way to get to Orville Falls. The town was only twenty miles from Cypress Creek. But Charlie’s bike was his main form of transportation, and the road to Orville Falls was all uphill.
Charlotte would have taken him if he’d asked. But Charlie had seen with his own eyes how empty the cash register at Hazel’s Herbarium was, and Sunday afternoons were the busiest time of the week. His stepmother was leaving for New York the next morning, and Hazel’s Herbarium would be closed on Monday and Tuesday. They couldn’t afford a third day of no sales, so Charlie had spent the morning brainstorming reasons for his dad to take him to Orville Falls. But short of announcing that the entire town was in terrible danger, Charlie hadn’t come up with anything that stood a chance of convincing Andrew Laird to make the winding, treacherous drive.
Sometime around ten, Charlie got dressed and followed the smell of food downstairs. He was just taking his seat at the kitchen table when the phone rang.
“I’m sorry,” he heard his father say, “but we’re about to eat Sunday breakfast. I’ll have Charlie call you as soon as we’re done.”
But the phone never left his dad’s ear. Andrew Laird’s brow furrowed as he listened to the caller. From across the kitchen table, Charlie could hear the excited voice on the other end of the line.
“Oh, I see,” said Andrew Laird. “Well, now, that really does sound important. Right. Yep. Got it.” Then he passed Charlie the phone. “I think your friend may be losing it,” he said. “Make it quick.”
Whichever friend it was, Charlie had no intention of speaking for very long. Even though his stomach was in knots, the broccoli and cheese frittata that Charlotte had just served was beckoning him.
“Charlie!” The voice on the other end of the line belonged to Rocco Marquez, one of Charlie’s three best friends. Rocco sounded worried. “You gotta get down here right away!”
“Down where?” Charlie asked, alarmed. There was an edge to Rocco’s voice that he’d rarely heard before, and wind was whistling in the background of the call. Rocco wasn’t at home.
“The soccer field!” Rocco exclaimed as if the answer should have been obvious. “There’s something really weird going on with the other team.”
“Weird how?” Charlie pushed his ch
air back from the table and stood up. He’d just lost his appetite.
“Most of the other team’s players are walking around like they don’t know where they are. The ball rolls right past them, and they don’t bother to chase it. I’m literally talking on a cell phone while I’m playing soccer, and my team is still winning. And the parents watching in the stands all look totally dazed and confused. But the other team’s coach is the really freaky one. He’s got this giant red cut on his forehead, and he hasn’t even put a bandage on it, and…”
Charlie suddenly remembered the hardware store man, Winston Lindsay. The logo on his shirt had looked like a flaming soccer ball. The other team’s soccer coach was starting to sound a lot like the mysterious stranger from Orville Falls. Charlie’s stomach began twisting itself into another knot. “What team are you playing?” he asked.
“The Comets,” Rocco replied. “They used to be one of the best in the league, but—”
“What town are they from?” Charlie asked, cutting him off.
“Orville Falls,” Rocco told him.
The hairs on the back of Charlie’s neck were standing straight up. “Call Alfie and Paige,” he told Rocco. “I’m putting my shoes on now. I’ll be there in less than ten.”
—
When Charlie arrived, the score was 35–0, and there were thirty seconds left on the clock. Two of the Comets chased the ball like madmen, while the rest of their teammates stumbled around the field like a bunch of zombies. Charlie checked the stands. The turnout was light, and the few parents who’d come were drooling and mumbling to themselves. It wasn’t a pretty sight.
“So what’s the emergency?” demanded a voice over Charlie’s shoulder.
Charlie jumped and spun around. Behind him stood Paige Bretter, a tiny blonde with a feisty personality, and she appeared to be rather annoyed. “Did I just get dragged out of bed to see Rocco’s team slaughter the competition? What’s new about that? I swear, they’re so good that it’s boring.”