by Luna Starr
Aria brought her head up from where she was standing in the pasture and whinnied.
I lifted my coffee cup in toast and Aria returned to munching on the stubby grass. We’d come a long way. One thing that remained in my heart, though, was my father’s suicide. Dad’s death would linger with me forever, no matter where I went. But my feelings about it had changed. It was no longer this impending darkness that I felt, or the piercing anger. Yes, the pain was still there but it wasn’t as all-encompassing as it once had been. Instead, memories of the good times with my dad began to soak in. The times before all the greed, power and revenge had taken him over. I still got angry sometimes and I still got sad. And, of course, there were still those moments when I’d suffer intense confusion and internal conflict. But for the most part, it remained a still current rather than an underlying one, and if I was truthful, I had to attribute that to Tom.
My cowboy had loved all of that bitterness out of me. He’d helped me get rid of the pain and anger, then filled me up with so much love and peace. He’d helped me to find myself, to become the person I wanted to be.
I wondered how he was. I wondered what his life had become, whether or not he’d continued with his new breed of cow and if he’d been successful. Mostly, I wondered if he ever thought about me.
I stood and poured myself a second cup of coffee. Thinking about Tom weighed on me as usual. And as usual, I was thinking about Tom. There were nights when I couldn’t sleep because I couldn’t get him out of my head. Those nights were the worst because I’d feel like a zombie in the morning, a lovesick zombie.
The morning light had begun to spread across Deena’s place. And I was suddenly thankful for this little slice of heaven. I’d been right to follow my dreams. I didn’t regret the decision I’d made for one second where my career was concerned. I’d learned more in the last fifteen months than I could have ever thought possible. The only part I did regret was leaving Tom.
My cell phone rang and it startled me. No one called this early unless there was a problem with a horse. “Hello?”
“Summer?”
I froze as Tom’s voice melted across my skin, making my stomach drop to the floor as my heart sped up.
“Summer, are you there?”
“Tom,” I whispered barely hearing myself.
“It’s me,” he replied, his voice thick with emotion. He cleared his throat. “I’m sorry if I’m bothering you. I know...” He cleared his throat. “I know this call is out of the blue.”
I sat down. “No. No. You’re not. I’m just surprised to hear your voice.”
“Well,” he started and then sighed heavily. “I… uh, I thought you deserved to know that Brady isn’t doing well. He’s real sick.”
“Sick?” I repeated, shock registering inside me. “Sick with what?”
“The doc isn’t sure but it’s some kind of virus. It’s had him down for the count for weeks,” Tom answered, his voice low.
I sucked in a deep breath. “Is it serious then?”
“Serious enough that he asked me to call you.”
Suddenly I was overwhelmed by the guilt of leaving and not calling like I promised I would. Things had just gotten so busy and... I shook my head. There were no excuses. “I’m on my way.”
“I knew you would be,” Tom answered, then paused for a few seconds. “It’s good to hear your voice, Posh.”
At the sound of my nickname, tears sprouted in my eyes. “Not as good as it is to hear yours.”
Chapter Thirty-Six
Summer
Tom picked me up at the airport.
He tipped his hat up from where he stood at the baggage claim as I rode down the escalator. I’d never get tired of seeing that signature move of his. He was still just as gorgeous and fit and his smile instantly affected me, lighting off a flurry of electrical charges deep inside me. I fought the urge to bolt and throw my arms around him. I needed to be cool. He hadn’t asked me to come see him, he’d asked me for Brady’s sake.
As soon as we were close enough, he wrapped his arms around me and I settled against him like we’d never been apart. A small sound rose up the back of my throat as he squeezed me tight but I didn’t let it escape. He kissed the top of my head, the way he always used to and I was that wide-eyed girl again. We didn’t say anything for several long seconds. We just looked at each other.
He finally spoke. “It’s good that you came. It’ll make him really happy to see you. Thank you…”
I held up my hand. “There was no way I wasn’t going to come.”
I scanned the baggage carousel for my suitcase and tried to think of how to broach the subject of all the time that had gone by. Time in which we hadn’t uttered a single word to each other. We’d both decided it would be for the best—that way, we wouldn’t hold on. We’d be able to move on with a clean slate. Yeah, fat load of shit that had been.
“How is… everything else with you?” I asked.
He fidgeted and grabbed my bag, then took my hand, startling us both. But neither one of us pulled away. I’d forgotten how strong and solid he felt. I was genuinely curious to know what he’d been up to and how he was doing but at the same time, I was worried that maybe he wasn’t single anymore. For my own part, I’d had a string of bad dates that had led absolutely nowhere.
As we walked to the truck I took in my surroundings, everything so beautifully dusted with snow. I remembered it all so well—it was so raw here, such beautiful land.
“Everything is great,” he answered with a shrug. “Can’t complain.”
I nodded and gave him a smile but secretly, I was bummed out by his response. I’d been hoping he’d had as hard a time forgetting about me as I had about him. But apparently, such wasn’t the case.
“How’s Aria?” he asked, obviously trying to lighten the mood.
“Doing well.” I closed my eyes as I thought about Brady and my stomach dropped. “How is he?”
Tom’s fingers tightened on mine and he tossed my suitcase in the back and opened my door. “It’s been rough. But you know Brady. Tough as nails son-of-a-bitch.”
“I wouldn’t expect anything less.” I climbed into the old truck and for a second it felt so familiar and comfortable, like pulling on the perfect pair of broken-in boots.
Our conversation stayed light and he basically filled me in on town gossip and a few of the characters they had the previous summer, and I told him about Deena and what life with her was like. It didn’t take us more than a mile before we were completely at ease with each other again.
We pulled into the ranch and I was relieved to see that not much had changed. There was a new covered arena, which was a nice addition. And it looked like there were a few more head of cattle grazing in the pasture. “Place looks good.”
He nodded and pulled in front of Brady’s truck. He killed the engine but made no motion to get out. Instead, he turned to look at me. “It’s really good to see you.”
I placed my hand on top of his. “Ditto, Scary Spice.”
He chuckled as I got out of the truck and walked up to the house, side by side with him. Everything was just as I remembered it—the birds singing, the fresh scent of earth and horses in the air, the cool breeze that ruffled my hair.
Tom opened the door for me. “He’s in his room.”
I headed to the back of the house. An older Bob greeted me in the hallway and I dropped to my knees and hugged her. “Bob, look at you.” Her tummy was saggy from nursing puppies. “Did you keep any of them?” I couldn’t help but be excited about the prospect. Even with the heavy atmosphere, there was something about puppies that was always a balm for sadness. Tom smiled and helped me to my feet. “I kept two, I’ll introduce you later.”
I nodded and we headed toward Brady’s room, where I could already hear the low murmur of voices. I spotted Rue first. She was seated at the foot of Brady’s bed. When she saw me, she jumped up and threw her arms around me. “Summer!”
A lump formed in my throat a
nd I hugged her tightly, spotting Brady in his bed. He still looked robust but maybe a bit slimmer. But there was color to his cheeks which was a good sign. He didn’t look anywhere near as bad as I’d worried he would. He smiled and whispered, “You came home.”
“Of course I did. I came to see you.” I kissed his forehead. He looked past me at Rue and as always that thing they had between them—the silent communication of total understanding occurred. She left the room and took Tom with her, closing the door to give Brady and me privacy.
Those wise, warm brown eyes of his still had that stubborn, rebellious light they always had. “I appreciate you coming home for me, but tell me there’s more.”
I sat down at the edge of the bed. “What do you mean?”
“Tom.”
I shook my head. “I came back because Tom said you were sick.”
“I’ve been sick for a couple of weeks now,” he answered and then gave me a devilish smile. “But that isn’t why I asked Tom to reach out to you.”
“It isn’t?” I asked, frowning with confusion.
He shrugged. “Well, he thinks it’s the reason.”
“But it’s not?” I asked, shaking my head as I smiled at him. “What are you up to, Brady?”
“I had to do something.”
“About?”
“About that man.”
“Which man?”
“Tom.”
“Why? What’s wrong with him?”
“He’s suffering in the worst way from a broken heart.” He took a deep breath. “And I can’t handle one more day of watching him sulk.”
“When I asked him how he was, he said everything was great.”
“What was he going to tell you? That he was miSarable? That he’s not the same Tom he used to be? That he keeps to himself and works way damn more than he should? If it weren’t for him, this whole place would’ve gone to hell since I’ve been bound to this goddamned bed.” He cleared his throat and took a deep breath. “He never should have let you go.”
“I made up my own mind to leave, Brady.”
He nodded but didn’t look sold. “And I guess he thought he had to let you live your dream, and he didn’t want to get in the way.” I sighed as I thought about Tom and all the hours and days and months that had gone by and how I felt exactly the same about him now as I had when I’d left.
“About three months after you left, he flew out to California to see you.”
“What?” I asked, shocked. “I never saw him.”
“I know. But he saw you.”
“What do you mean?”
“He saw you with someone,” Brady continued. “Said something about a man who was working with you.”
“Matt?” I asked with a frown.
Brady shrugged. “Dunno. But Tom said you looked happy and he didn’t want to interfere if you were.”
“Matt is my friend. He works and rides at Deena’s, and he’s gay!”
“Oh.”
I shook my head as a smile spread across my mouth. “So, Tom flew all the way to California to visit me, saw me with Matt and then turned tail?”
“Having your nose rubbed in something don’t exactly feel good,” Brady responded.
“Well, if he’d bothered to play detective, he would have found out that he would have had better luck with Matt than I would,” I laughed. “There hasn’t been anyone since Tom,” I continued, the laugh dying on my lips. “Tom was… not easy to get over.”
Brady smiled and reached for my hand. “And he would say exactly the same thing about you. I think the two of you need to talk.”
“It’s been too long.”
“No. It’s never too long. Take it from someone who knows,” he continued, eyeing me narrowly. “Don’t let something good pass you by.”
I looked at him but didn’t say anything. In the last ten minutes, he’d said more to me than he’d said the entire time I’d worked for him. “Brady?” I started.
“Hmm?”
“You aren’t really that sick, are you?” I asked him with a smirk.
“Well, I think I’ve got one hell of a flu.”
“So, the whole reason you wanted me to come back—” I started.
“Was for Tom,” he finished. “Truth be known, I’m sick to shit of that boy walking around here like he just dropped his ice cream.”
“You’re something else, you know that?” I asked with a smile as I shook my head and playfully swatted his arm.
“Whatever I am, you gotta do something about Tom,” he answered and then yawned. “I’m tired now.”
I squeezed his hand gently and left the room.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Summer
Even though I’d made Brady a promise that Tom and I would talk and address the fact that we belonged together, I still hadn’t. It wasn’t that I didn’t agree with what Brady was saying, I just didn’t understand how Tom and I could be together, not when our paths were leading us in such different directions. Even though Tom and I hadn’t talked in the way Brady wanted us to, we’d found our easy friendship again. I’d missed that.
When the last stragglers from dinner left, I found myself sweeping off the porch, feeling such comfort in the tiny things that had made Springhill such a home for me. It was an odd feeling but somehow, I felt home, like I was right where I belonged.
Tom came up the porch steps as I finished sweeping. He took the broom and put an arm around me. “You okay?”
“Yeah,” I answered as I looked up at him. “Seems Brady is feeling better.”
“Yeah,” he responded. “Definitely had a hearty appetite.”
It was the first time Brady had had enough energy to make it downstairs to eat dinner with all of us and Tom was right—he’d practically scarfed down everything.
Tom took my hand and led me away from the porch and down the steps. I wasn’t sure if he had any idea where we were headed but we were taking the same route that would find us at the cabin—my old cabin. His old cabin, which was probably now his again.
“You want to see the pups?” he asked.
“That would be really great,” I answered as he opened the door for me. Bob and her pups were curled up in the corner and they immediately came bounding over as soon as we walked in. I couldn’t help but smile as I watched them.
I sat down on the small couch and Tom poured me a glass of white wine. He got a beer from the fridge and popped the top on the counter. Then he took a seat next to me and propped his feet up on the coffee table.
He took a drink of his beer, and I took a sip of my wine. We studied each other for a few seconds. In one way, it was awkward. And in another way, it was the most comfortable I’d been since before I’d left the ranch over a year earlier—the last time we were together.
“How is it? I mean, how is it out there? In California?”
“It’s good. Really good. I work for some great people; Deena is fantastic and she’s helped me a lot. Aria is happy. I’ve been able to save some money too. Riding a lot of really nice horses is amazing...”
“I’m glad to hear it,” he answered but he seemed anything but.
“It hasn’t all been good,” I started as I glanced into my glass and zoned out on the amber liquid.
“Why’s that?”
I looked up at him then. Really looked at him. “Because I’ve missed you. More than I can say and more than I ever wanted to.”
He nodded. “I’ve thought about you every day, sometimes every second of every day. I’ve dialed your number at least a thousand times just to hear your voice, and then I’ve thought, ‘No, I can’t interfere with what she wants, her life.’ I really wanted to be selfish, Summer. Even now, I want to be but I keep fighting it.”
I closed my eyes and lowered my head. “You aren’t selfish.”
He didn’t respond. We both just sat there, listening to the night. For my part, I was happy just to be sitting next to him, smelling him. God, I’d missed him so much.
“So?”
he asked.
“So what?” I whispered.
“How are you?”
I took a deep breath. How was I? “Better. A lot better. I mean, I won’t lie to you and tell you I’m this undamaged person. But I’ve faced the facts that I had nothing to do with my dad’s decisions.” I stared into my glass again as I further pondered his question. “I’ve dealt with my feelings of abandonment by both of my parents, but it’s still there, you know?”
He squeezed my hand because he knew me well enough to know that the tears were well on their way. “Things just happen, and it’s all in how we react. It’s all in what we do with the pain. Do we allow it to destroy us? Do we allow it to control us? Or, do we grapple with it and put it back in its place?”
“You always knew exactly the right things to say,” I said with a quick but sad smile as I glanced up at him. He wiped the tears from my face. I knew I had to bring up the subject of us but I wasn’t sure how. “And you?”
“Me what?” He grinned that crooked little grin of his that made my heart ache even more.
“How are you?”
“Other than missing you every goddamned day of my life, I’m okay. I’ve got Bob and the pups. Had to put Jenny down last year. Colic.”
I instinctively rubbed his arm and my heart ached for him. “I’m sorry. She was a good girl and I know what she meant to you.”
He nodded. “Got a new horse. A few, actually.”
“A few?”
“Yeah. I actually just bought a place down the way.”
“What?” In the craziness of what had happened, we hadn’t talked past any of the big stuff, but this was huge news. “You bought your own ranch?”
“Yes.” He swallowed back some more of his beer and there was something in his eyes that looked like impatience. “But we can talk about all that later.” He took a deep breath. “For now, I need you to listen to me, Summer, because there’s something I need to talk to you about.”
“Okay.”
“I made a mistake. I let you go and I shouldn’t have, not without fighting for you, not without telling you how much you mean to me. I’m all about you living your dream but I let you go without telling you how I felt about you and I’ve been kicking myself ever since you left.”