Fastosus. By what you say, and I own it to be right, cousin, you and I must share the persons and divide the spoil betwixt us, on the day of reckoning. You and cousin Falax have laid the snare very craftily, and I, by my haughty influences, drive the fools to it. Good Avaro, your game would not go well without my assistance; and while you and I continue to play into each other’s hand, we can readily bring the two fools to meet, each deceiving and being deceived. I mean, we can bring the covetous fool and the credulous fool together. The credulous deceives the covetous fool with his money, and the covetous deceives the credulous with his rotten wood. Dear Avaro, our work goes forward apace and we shall have them both at last.
Avaro. No doubt of it, Fastosus; for both the covetous and over credulous are ours, by common consent. Our game could not well go better than it doth at present; for all ranks and degrees of people are subjected to our potent sway. No doubt but you have heard of that noble piece of architecture called the Triple-Crown, which I and my brother Falax made for our very worthy friend and steadfast ally the Pope of Rome.
Fastosus. Heard of it! Surely I have. Was not I the principal person concerned in the work? But, Avaro, you have an ugly way of denying people the due honors of their labour. But for me, his Holiness would never have thought of such an invention. And as I had the principal hand in it. I aver, that the best mathematician in hell could not have invented a more excellent piece. I have thought, ever since, that the artful Falax acted his part with as much dexterity, in the formation of that capital ornament, as when he and we assisted our venerable friend, Mahommet, in composing the Alcoran. But the chief beauty of it was, to see our hoary friend, the pope, with greater confidence than if he had been one of ourselves, exalt his papal chair above all that is called God. So that now, in the sense of the Romish imposter, saving and damning depend no longer on the justice and mercy of the Eternal, but upon the will and pleasure of him who fills the infallible chair.
Were we anything but Devils, whose hatred to Truth is implacable, it would have grieved us to see how she sighed and sobbed, as if her heart would break, when the imposter assumed the character of infallibility. She knocked with violence at the gates of the bishop’s palace; but there was no admission for her there. She begged and prayed that the inferiour ranks of the reverend clergy would receive her; but not one of them would suffer her to come under their roof; so that the poor heaven-born lady swooned in the streets, and there was none to assist her. Her eyes became as fountains of briny tears, trickling down her radiant cheeks; her locks were dishevelled, and her apparel hung dangling around her. In this mournful plight she went through all the streets of the mystick Babylon, uttering her lamentations in every publick place, and in every concourse of the people. But, as in former times she had piped to them, and none of the worshipers of the Beast would dance; so now she mourned to them, but none of them would lament. She stretched forth her hands all the day long, but none of them would attend to her; the venerable pope, father of the world, having published a decree, that none of them should suffer her under their roof, nor administer the least comfort to her in her calamity, under pain of the Rack, the Gibbet, the Wheel, or Fire and Faggot. Yea more; when his Holiness saw the importunity of Divine Truth, and perceived that she would be a perpetual thorn in his side, if not timely and wisely prevented, by forcing her out of the world, he clad himself in Vulcanian armour, sought for her in every corner of Babylon; when he met with her, launched his fatal spear with papal force against her, that wounding her so deeply, she fainted and fell to the ground and no doubt had died if she had not been immortal. When the most holy bishop had thus deprest her, he cried out, in devilish triumph, “I am the successor of Peter, the vicar of Christ, the pillar of truth, the porter of heaven, and the supreme head of the church.” At which words, Truth entirely disappeared, and to this day has not been suffered to set one foot within the limits of the papacy.
Avaro. It was a noble enterprise; nothing could exceed it. I am persuaded, that the man who was in-dwelt by our brother Legion, and resided among the tombs, was never capable of coming so near to us devils in cruelty, deceit, and falsehood, as that same venerable man, his infallible holiness, hath upon every occasion.
Fastosus. Indeed, Avaro, Legion, though a many-viced devil, is but a fool, when compared to his holiness; but it is highly necessary that he should be well qualified in devilism, seeing he is appointed Beelzebub’s great vicegerent in the Christian world.
Avaro. Great are the abilities requisite to such a station; and his holiness possesseth them liberally. Did you ever hear, Fastosus, the manner in which our Italian success was received by Beelzebub the great, and his infernal nobility?
Fastosus. I suppose I have; but I have so many things to think of that at present it has escaped my memory: Therefore, if you remember it, I shall be obliged to you for the recital.
Avaro. With all my heart. I assure you it is well worth you hearing for thereby it appeared that his infernal majesty had the deepest sense of our services, and conceived the strongest hope of the increase of his kingdom from the alliance formed betwixt the sublime Port of Hell, and the apostolic chair at Rome.
As soon as swift-winged Fame arrived at the gate, known by the name of Earth-Gate, she knocked violently, as you know is customary with her upon any emergent occasion. Our friend Cerberus, the porter, no sooner saw that it was Fame, but he immediately sent a messenger to court, to inform his majesty and peers, that the ambassadress Fame was arrived. In shorter time than a lawyer could frame a lie, hell was all in an uproar, every inhabitant being big with expectation of some important news from our friends on earth. Fifty of the nobility were dispatched from court, to congratulate Fame on her arrival, and to conduct her in state to the court-end of the city. The mighty Beelzebub ascended the flaming throne, to receive the ambassadress with imperial grandeur; and as soon as arrived, she was introduced to his sublime presence, by Lucifer, prime minister of state, and in full court related all that had passed concerning the change at Rome in the system of religion: Which desirable news was received with all the demonstrations of joy damned spirits are capable of. Fame having finished her relation, the mighty prince, who sat on the stupendous throne, arrayed in all the majesty becoming his elevated station, lifted his war-like arm, waved the imperial sceptre for audience, and thus addressed his courtiers, his eyes blazing as burning furnaces, while he spake.
“My lords, my brethren in sovereignty and sharers of my glory; from the just sense I have of your steady attachment to my interest and government, as hath always appeared from your unwearied study, as far as possible, to destroy the creatures of our arch-enemy, whom, constrained, we call the Almighty; and promoting to the utmost our common interest among mankind. From such considerations, I cannot forbear congratulating your highness on the happy turn our affairs on the earth have taken, by the indefatigable pains and vigilant endeavours of our worthy friends and genuine descendants, Fastosus, Avaro, Falax, &c. &c. as appears by the report you have just now heard from the mouth of our swift-winged ambassadress, Fame. By the industry of those worthy spirits, worms of the earth are wrought up to such a degree of pride and self-conceit, as to undertake enterprises that we, who are of angelick-race, could not accomplish, yea, even to assume prerogatives, which never once came into our minds. My noble lords, there is reason to believe that this revolution will prove a leading step towards a very plentiful harvest. I signify it therefore as my will and pleasure, that your highnesses take special care that the lodgings at the court-end of the city are kept in due repair, as henceforth we may expect at every term, numerous shoals of popish priests of all ranks, to take up their residence with us; and you may be sure they will take it very ill, if they are not accommodated according to their quality.
“I think, my lords, it is worthy of observation, that all the missionaries we ever dispatched among the heathens, could not prevail with poor pagan priests to aspire to that degree of impiety, which the pope hath now assumed. I hope, my lords,
that Truth and Holiness are in a fair way of being banished from the face of the earth; for I am persuaded, that this universal father, his cardinals, legates, and bishops, will exert all their influence to promote our interest in the suppression of our enemies.” Having said this, a flaming billow rolled over the imperial seat, and so stunned the good old prince, that he could speak no more for a season.
Fastosus. All those things I well remember, now you have mentioned them. But I want to know what you have got in that leather bag. You are not become nailer, sure?
Avaro. This bag, sir, contains a thousand pounds, which a certain attorney, a dear child of mine, wants to have deposited in some place of security, as he has not at present an opportunity of putting it out to generate, an increasing faculty with which all his other cash is endued. This same gentleman is a person of great worth, ready to assist the rich and great, provided always that his good deeds are handsomely rewarded. But so cautious and prudent is he, that he utterly abhors parting with even so small a pittance as a guinea, to relieve a poor distressed tradesman; and indeed for this very sufficient reason that he cannot, in such a case, obtain land-security for his money; so that if the poor man is ever so honest and industrious, he must even reconcile his thoughts to a dungeon, or seek relief from another quarter; for our worthy lawyer would part with no money to deliver him from it. His present fear is, lest any of his poor neighbours, knowing that he has plenty of money by him, should, by their pressing solicitations, over-persuade him to part with a little to help them in their distresses; for he, like many other honest men, is determined to keep what he has got, if one half of the parish should die for want of bread.
Fastosus. By your description of the worthy lawyer, I may expect his children as my pupils after his decease. I warrant me, Avaro, before their father is half consumed by the worms, I shall have them bowing and cringing to me as their god. I have remarked, for some thousands of years, that when the parents have worshipped the god Avaro, by giving themselves up to covetousness, for the most part, after their decease the children have made choice of me and our cousin Prophanity for their patrons. Surely, if covetous parents knew what courses children would follow when their heads are laid low in the grave, and their souls still lower in hell, they would quarrel with their god Avaro, or die with grief on the prospect.
Avaro. Aye, uncle; but there is not one of all my numerous disciples, who knows me by my proper name; and I am by far too subtle for them to find out the cheat. My English vassals, for instance, commonly worship me under the false names of industry or frugality, prudence or laudable care; but there is not one of them who can be prevailed with to believe himself a worshipper of the devil Avaro, which is, you know, my true and proper name.
Fastosus. Nothing equals our success; for you damn the parents by covetousness, and we damn the children by pride and prophanity. Good Avaro, we have them hip and thigh; it is but a few of all the mundane race that we lose; and those also we should have, if they were not forcibly taken from us: But this is one comfort, that if we must have the mortification of seeing any of the human race get safe to heaven, we have also the pleasure of disturbing and distracting their minds on their journey; and many of them we bring to the stake or gibbet, under the direction of our good friend Crudelis, who presides over those hells upon earth, known by the name the holy inquisitions.
Avaro. Hells, did you say? Right, hells indeed! One holy inquisitor goes beyond an hundred of our fraternity in the art of cruelty, which you know is the first of the learned sciences at Rome. Such wonderful inventions of torturing, one would have thought, could never have been contrived. What ingenuity does the rack display! How excellently formed for exquisite torture! What an apt resemblance of the infernal furnace is the dry-pan! A contrivance worthy the most skilful among the Beezebubian artists. But their watery torment, the gag and pitcher, is what raises them most in my esteem. Almost every blockhead hath some notion of a hell fire; but it is peculiar to the skill of an holy inquisitor to contrive a hell of water. In this, Fastosus, we must all knock under to them, for indeed they are our betters. And, to enhance their merit, their torments are inflicted upon the unhappy wretches, who fall into their hands, under a shew of the greatest sanctity towards God, and pity to the unhappy victim of their cruelty. And so very strictly do they and their assisting familiars observe the rules of inviolable secrecy, that the world can never know the hundredth part of their villainy.
Fastosus. Secrecy is indispensably necessary to a people so much devoted to our interest as the worthy inquisitors and the rest of the Romish clergy are. Were it known to the world what methods they take to aggrandize themselves, and support the papal hierarchy, the cheat would be discovered, the fabrick would fall to the ground, the craft by which they have their wealth would soon be at an end, and their reverences be brought into contempt.
Certainly the great Beelzebub will deal gratefully with the holy father at Rome, and his cardinals, inquisitors and bishops, when they arrive in hell. For my own part, I steadfastly believe that if our good friends the popes and inquisitors are not served below their quality, they will be put in possession of the seats on the right hand of his majesty’s throne, as our friend Mahommet and his mufties were in those on the left. And when their extraordinary merit is considered, our infernal nobility will have no reason to grumble at their advancement; for nothing less can be deemed adequate to their uncommon merit and usefulness in confirming our interest at heart, that it would be very extraordinary indeed, if any of them should be lost, and fall short of our dreary abode.
Avaro. The basest ingratitude to use them otherwise, Fastosus. For my own part, I shall always give place to a pope or inquisitor, and I think it is the duty of all our sable fraternity so to do; for when their inferiour species is considered, it will appear that they not only vie with, but even exceed the most dexterous among us in many things.
Fastosus. I am thinking, Avaro, of the easy station you have got, in comparison of mine. You are concerned but with a few, I am concerned with everyone. You chiefly serve the higher ranks of people, but I am hackneyed night and day by all sorts of men, from his holiness the pope to the hermit in his cell, from the queen on the throne to Bridget the farmer’s maid. But was it not that I find my account in it, and by that means am adored as a divinity, my princely mind would never submit to such constant drudgery.
Avaro. Good Fastosus, I speak it with reverence, but you are exceedingly mistaken in my business. I assure you, it increaseth every day upon my hands, and requires very constant application; insomuch, that for these twelve years I have not had time to close my eyes for one refreshing nap. Ah, uncle! I am concerned with, and for many; and with none more than with the sons of the mystick whore. This old bawd, with the scarlet gown, hath many children, who swarm as locusts along the face of many European countries, and eat up the good of the land before them. And there is not one amongst them, who knows how to spend a day without my company. When I would gladly lay me down for a little rest, one or other of them conjures me up to inquire after pay for this funeral mass, that dispensation, or the other pardon. For you may know, that with them there is nothing to be done without ready cash; for they never give credit.
Fastosus. That old proverb “Money answereth all things,” seems well adapted to the tenets of your disciples, Avaro.
Avaro. Wonderfully adapted, sir! very wonderfully adapted; for money forwards their devotion vastly, and helps them strangely on, in their way to heaven. Dear children of mine I own them to be! for, notwithstanding their pretended love to devotion and the souls of their fellow-creatures; if a poor man travelling from earth to heaven, should happen to be arrested by any of the officers of purgatory (who make it their business to way-lay travellers) and be turned over to the tormentors; if such a man has not left a sufficient sum for purgatorial masses, and no well-disposed lay-person is found to supply the deficient assets of the prisoner, he may lie, if it be possible, until he is burned to tinder, ere any parson of the convent wil
l put one hand to help him out of those dreary flames. But, on the other hand, if a sufficient sum is left for masses to be said to the lady of Loretto, St. Dominick, St. Dennis, or any other eloquent saint, all the parsons will apply as cheerfully as young dromedaries, and put their shoulders to the work like so many bulls in a yoke, until they have cleared him of his prison. You may always be sure that with them, according to a well known proverb, “It is money that makes the mare to go.”
Fastosus. I pray you, Avaro, where does this same purgatory stand? I have often heard of it, but never could meet with it, either in this or the other world, notwithstanding I have sought it with care.
Avaro. You have sought for it in the wrong place, uncle; you should have ransacked the brains of the pope and his clergy; for there, and no where else, the chimera is to be found. It is only a scheme to get money, that I contrived for them; and hitherto it has answered our highest expectations; for by this craft the parsons have great emolument.
Fastosus. This I do know, that nothing is more attractive of the attention of their reverences, than brilliant gold; for the sake of which, systems the most absurd are imposed upon mankind, with the sanction of priestly authority. Indeed, it is presumed that these holy men will authorise nothing but what is lucrative. O the wonderful trade of priestcraft! Indeed, Avaro, I begin to think you a devil of good abilities, and an honour to the race of Beelzebub.
Tales Before Narnia Page 18