“The club has been like that for me. Trigger and Zander especially have been like that for me, I just… I’m…” I just didn’t want to see the looks of disappointment on their faces. I didn’t want to see the disgust or the shame.
Dragon leaned back in his chair and let out a gusty sigh. “You sure you aren’t sellin’ ‘em short?” he asked and I blinked. I sat silent and mulled it over. He patted me on the shoulder as he got up. “Think about it. Club meeting this Saturday night. You can tell the rest of ‘em then,” he said.
“What if I can’t?” I asked quietly, needing to know.
“Can’t be having secrets… of any kind. Not from your Brothers,” he said softly and lumbered down the back hallway.
I sat for a long time, finished my tequila and stared at my phone. I wanted to call Aaron and rather than fight it like I’d been fighting so many things for so very long… I just didn’t. I gave in to the urge and dialed and felt like some kind of needy ass for doing it but he answered on the first ring and his voice chased every doubt I’d had in my mind about calling, right out of my head.
“Andy? Is your friend, I mean brother… whoever all right?” he asked me by way of greeting and I had to swallow hard past the sudden lump in my throat. Aaron seemed to get me faster than anyone I’d ever met in my entire life.
“Yeah, yeah he’s good. I had to bring him to the club, he’s passed out in one of the spare rooms. I uh, I should go check on him in a minute. I just wanted to call you,” I said.
“I’m glad you did. I was a little worried, sometimes drunk people can be difficult,” he said and I could hear his rueful smile.
“Yeah, well Dragon was here, he helped me get Ghost all squared away,” I paused and Aaron caught the significance behind it.
“Andy, what happened Baby?” he asked, concern shading his tone.
“Dragon and I had a talk,” I said.
“A talk?” he asked kindly.
“The talk,” I affirmed solemnly. Aaron was silent for a long time.
“Oh. Um, what did he say?”
“That I was on my own for coming out to the guys and that I’m doing it this weekend,” I huffed a breath.
“Did he seem upset?” Aaron asked.
“No.”
“Disappointed?” he asked.
“No.” I frowned, what was Aaron getting at?
“Dragon is your leader, yeah? The President?”
“Yeah… Aaron what’re you getting at?” I asked. I was tired from a long day at the shop and stressed out from everything I felt like a frayed piece of rope and my thoughts just weren’t falling into line. They were just all scattered like and so I just wasn’t picking up what Aaron was putting down. I just had so much to think about… Too much to think about.
“If Dragon is your leader and he didn’t get upset, chances are pretty decent the majority fall in line with his thinking… At any rate, I’m telling you to think positive here,” he huffed out a breath and I echoed the sentiment.
“You’re probably right,” I hedged.
“But you’re going to worry about it anyways. Tie yourself into knots?”
“Probably,” I agreed, chagrined. Aaron laughed softly.
“You stuck there? Can you come back tonight?”
“I wish I could, but naw. I gotta look after Ghost.” Man, I wanted very badly to curl up with Aaron and talk this out between rounds of dirty sex. He was so fucking good.
“Okay,” he sounded about as disappointed as I felt.
“I gotta go,” I said.
“Okay, call me tomorrow morning?”
“You bet.”
We said our goodbyes which were sappy, but surprisingly I didn’t mind so much. I hated to admit it to myself but Aaron had become a sort of lifeline. An anchor during uncertain times and in unchartered waters for me and I had some mixed feelings about that. On the one hand, I was so grateful that he was there and that I could talk to someone who understood… on the other hand, I was acutely aware that Aaron and I had literally just met and that doing this to him was less than fair.
I checked on Ghost who was in rough shape. He was still dead to the world and I was glad I’d put him in the rest position before I’d left the room because he’d gotten sick again in his passed out state. It was going to be a long night, but one thing was for sure, I needed to have another talk with Aaron. Make sure that he was as okay as he sounded with me using him as a lifeline in all of this because as much as I wanted to be able to stand on my own, I really had to admit to myself that I needed him. That part of me needed him behind me, in my corner and after the last couple of days of having someone beside me that knew what it was like for me, I didn’t want to let that go and I really wasn’t done getting to know him.
I liked Aaron. A lot, and I guess what it really boiled down to was that I didn’t want him to feel like I was using him. I didn’t want to use him. All of these thoughts and more turned over in my mind as I got Ghost cleaned up and into a shower and the bed stripped and remade. The night turned into one of the longest I ever remember living through, and when I’d been out on the street… there had been a lot of really long nights.
Chapter 6
Squick…
The next morning I sat at the same table in the common room that Dragon and I had used the night before. I was staring blankly into the large, steaming mug of black coffee I had cradled in my hand. I kept playing and replaying the conversation with Dragon in my head over and over again and was deciding on how to best put my house in order.
I liked Aaron despite our short acquaintance and I really wanted to give things with him a solid shot. Get to know him better, spend some real time with him. I’d never felt that way about a guy before. All my past interludes and forays into romance could hardly be called that. I’d never really tried at a relationship before. Every other encounter I’d had was pretty much an anonymous encounter or a week or two fling at best. I’d lied my ass off that first time with Aaron, telling him I didn’t do one night stands… I just hadn’t wanted to do a one night stand with him, because something deep down told me Aaron was different than anyone I’d met before, that Aaron deserved better, was better than that.
He was the first person I’d ever encountered that I felt an honest and true connection with. That was more than just good looks and a round of rowdy sex. Having sex with him on the first date had been impulsive as hell, sure, but there was more to it than that at the same time. Hell! I didn’t know how to explain it. It just was and I felt so completely torn in two over it. Mostly because now, more than ever I had before, I felt like I was at a fork in the road. Down one fork, a life with my brothers and the MC I had so dearly grown to love and down the other… a life without hiding anymore.
Truth be told, I had been standing at this particular fork in the road for some time, just now, with Aaron it was more of a crossroads than just a fork. I just wasn’t sure if one of the directions I could travel was an all-inclusive deal. MC, Aaron and a life without hiding. The best of all worlds. I chewed my lower lip and thought about, just everything, when a ragged cough brought my head snapping up.
Ghost looked like shit. His jacket and cut hung on him awkwardly, his pants disheveled and wrinkled from sleeping in them. His hair stuck up at odd angles, greasy and unwashed. His eyes were bloodshot and bleary and he looked like he was about to keel over from exhaustion any second but that was likely a byproduct of being hung over and of just waking up. He eyed me from across the common room warily.
“You come and get me?” he asked.
“Yup.”
“Was I an asshole?” he asked and I laughed a little.
“Naw. Even when you’re a depressed drunk you’re a happy drunk,” I said. He made a non-committal noise of acknowledgement and trudged into the common room, his boots chuffing against the floor with each step, he hadn’t bothered to lace or tie them on.
Ghost dropped into the seat across from me and scrubbed his face with his hands leaning way back in
his seat, stretching. I’m pretty sure I heard his back pop a couple of times where he bent back over the backrest on the old wood chair. He let out a grunt of an exhale and sagged in the seat. I pushed my untouched cup of coffee towards him.
“Here, you need this a lot more than I do,” I told him. He nodded and groped out for the mug and brought it to his face. He sucked some into his mouth and winced at the bitterness before swallowing it down.
“Dude I feel like shit,” he groused.
“Dude you look like it too,” I shot at him, he frowned.
“Thanks,” he grated.
“You, uh, want to talk about it?” I asked. He glared at me and stared me down until I put up my hands and ducked my head in surrender.
“Need to be anywhere?” he asked.
“Uh, yeah. I left my bike at a buddy’s place. He gave me a ride to the bar so I could drive you in,”
He raised his eyebrows, “You drove my work truck?” he asked.
I shrugged, “It’s an automatic and it’s not like you were in any shape to ride. It’s fine, it’s parked out front.” I shook my head a little incredulous. Ungrateful bastard.
“Dude, didn’t mean it like that. Don’t be such a fucking queen,” he said gruffly and swallowed more coffee, it was my turn to have my eyebrows go up.
“Let me ask you something,” I said and I am not sure if it was my expression or my tone but Ghost’s angry expression of a second before smoothed out his hazel eyes, more brown than green, going a little wide.
“Sure, man…” he trailed off and slumped back in his seat from where he’d straightened with his indignancy.
“Why you guys always calling me gay? Making fun of me and shit?” I asked and Ghost blinked and reddened with embarrassment.
“I… uh… er…” he exhaled harshly, “Shit man!” he exclaimed, “I don’t know… I guess it’s not just any one thing. You don’t give a second look to any of the club girls or ol’ ladies, you sing with Ashton like it ain’t no thing. When one of the girls needs an opinion on colors or whatever they go to you. I didn’t think it bothered you to be honest,” he closed his mouth and looked taken aback or surprised. I took a deep breath and soldiered on…
“What if I were? Would it make any difference?” I asked softly and Ghost’s shoulders dropped. He looked at me, really looked at me and sighed softly.
“No man. Not to me,” he said softly, “Don’t think Trig or Zander or Reave would give a fuck either. Why are you asking?” his eyes bounced in his skull as he looked me over, searching my face for any clue as to what this was all about and I chewed my lip.
“Just forget it man. I’ve just got a lot on my mind,” I said and he tilted his head to the side and regarded me.
“Do you want to talk about it?” he asked and I stared at him in a silent regard of my own. He nodded finally.
“Fair enough,” he said finally when the silence had grown thick between us, “You ever do, you know where to find me Brother,” he held up his hand and I clasped it and shook it.
“Yeah,” I nodded, “Same goes for you.” We sat in a comfortable silence for a time, each of us lost in our own heads while he finished his coffee, then he drove me out to Aaron’s apartment, dropping me off at the curb. He watched me go up and knock on the door and only pulled off when it opened for me and I waved down to him. Couldn’t be too careful, not with the Suicide Kings yet to make a move. They were making us nervous as fuck with how quiet they’d been the last five months.
Aaron stood inside his apartment looking sleep tousled and delicious in just a comfortable pair of pajama pants riding low on his chiseled hipbones, one tug on the draw string and he’d lose them. I eyed him hungrily and he eyed me back warily for a second. I smiled slowly and he relaxed marginally.
“You’re looking at me like I’m something good to eat,” he stated dryly and I felt my smile grow.
“Don’t mind if I do,” I said and pulled him against my body, picking up pretty much right where we’d been forced to leave off the night before.
Chapter 7
Squick…
“Alright listen up!” Dragon’s voice boomed through the common room and the place fell silent. It was go time and if I thought I’d been nervous about coming out to the club before, well now, now I was terrified. In addition to Dragon, Dray, Trig, Doc, Reaver, and the rest of the local Sacred Hearts mother chapter there was something like twenty or more other guys from out of town. Guys wearing the bottom rockers of neighboring chapters or nomad patches. I swallowed hard, my heart hammering in my chest, my mouth bone dry as Dragon started speaking and when Dragon spoke, you listened.
“So we got two guys that have been prospecting for us for the last year and it’s time to put ‘em up for a vote, but first one of ‘em would like to tell us somethin’. As most of you fuckers know, there’s more to a brotherhood like ours than ridin’ and fightin’ and what have you. We’re family, when a lot of us ain’t got no real family to call our own and you don’t hide shit from your family and your family, they don’t turn their backs on yah for anything more than the most hardcore of betrayals. So Squick, why don’t you say what you gotta say and we’ll see how this goes.” Dragon crossed his bulky arms over his chest in the awkward way he did and leveled me with his dark gaze.
Leather creaked and denim rustled as everyone in the room turned to me expectantly. I felt like my friggin’ heart was going to explode but there really was no going back now. I was standing on the edge of the cliff ready to plunge headlong into the unknown, scared as fuck about what was under the water but it was now or never, it was sink or swim and it was time to take the plunge and so I did… the only way I knew how.
“I uh… I didn’t know what to do, I um, I never wanted to keep this from anyone, I mean I did but…” I coughed and took a deep breath to steady myself. “I never wanted to lie to you guys and I can’t in good conscience let you guys put it to a vote, let you accept me as your brother and into this club while I hid anything, especially something this big.” I hung my head and gritted my teeth. I closed my eyes for a second and took another fortifying breath and looked Trigger and Zander in the eyes while I said it because they had known me the longest and because they had brought me here and because I was almost afraid they would catch the most hell because of that.
“I’m gay,” I said and grimaced, “and I’m sorry I’ve hid it for so long but… but I didn’t know what else to do.”
Trigger’s frown smoothed into a look of relief and Zander’s eyebrows went up in a look that screamed that I hadn’t told him anything he wasn’t aware of already. Dragon nodded and Dray’s expression remained as shuttered and guarded as I had ever seen it. Our VP gave a damn good poker face. I couldn’t tell what he was thinking one way or the other. Reaver was grinning like he’d won the lottery and I shivered inside. I didn’t know if that was a good or a bad thing but after watching him last Lake Run, coming up the cabin trail in the dark with his hands caked in blood, his shorts smeared with it, straining over his boner… Well, I liked my mentor, I really did, but I really didn’t want to find out what his apparent glee at the situation meant, especially if it didn’t mean anything good.
“Okay,” Dragon sucked his teeth, and looked out over everyone in attendance, “Let’s put it to a vote.” He looked at me, “Has to be unanimous, you understand,” he said and I nodded.
“All in favor?” Dray called and put up his hand and I felt my chest crush down with emotion. It looked like every hand in the house went in the air. Dragon nodded.
“All opposed?” Dray asked and all the hands dropped, but two went up. My heart dropped into my stomach and my shoulders with it. I felt cold all over and I closed my eyes. Two hold outs did not unanimous make, never mind that they were out of towners, they were still patched members of this club and their votes counted, at least I think they did.
“That’s fucking BULLSHIT man!” We all startled and turned to Zander who was seething next to Trigger. All eyes were root
ed to the stocky man who was just getting warmed up.
“Man fuck you two!” he shouted pointing in their direction, “You’ve been here what!? A couple of days? Well Squick’s been here for over a fucking year you asswipes! Pouring his blood, sweat and tears into this fucking club! You cut that skinny fucker and he bleeds Sacred Hearts colors!” Zander rounded on our cabinet.
“You really going to let these two fucks influence this decision!?” he demanded. Dray opened his mouth to speak and it looked bad, it looked really bad.
“Man fuck you! You fucking fucks! Squick is my brother! My fucking family and I don’t turn my fucking back on my fucking family!” he took a breath to rail on but was stopped short by Dragon’s booming laughter. We turned to the President of the chapter in a bit of stunned confusion as he just fucking howled with laughter.
“What’s so fucking funny old man!?” Zander demanded, still fucking heated.
“Boy!” Dragon cried at Zander, “Look at them two!” Zander looked back at the two hold outs who were both grinning. Zander’s face collapsed into a hard scowl.
“These guys aren’t from our chapter and don’t get a say. We done already fucking voted on you two!” Dragon howled and Zander and I exchanged looks. Dray was grinning now too and so was everyone else.
“Squick, c’mere,” Dragon said and crooked a finger at me still laughing. I went numbly to our president’s side. He put his arm around my shoulders and I startled.
“Boy, we all talked about it a month or more ago and decided you were in as long as you would come clean about who you were. Took you a minute but you finally got there. You do you, and the you we know is loyal to a fault, has always been there for a brother no matter what time of night no matter what the fucking issue. You are a damned fine asset to this club and we would’ve been damned sorry to see you go, but we all knew you wouldn’t let that happen, that we could count on you and sure enough! So that left Zander. You know we can’t resist fucking with you guys and I can’t say we’re sorry we fucked with him at your expense.”
Masked & Miserable: A Novella of the Sacred Hearts MC (Book 3.5) Page 6